My family is a bunch of insensitive pricks about my infertility!

wannabamama1 · 11-06-2009, 04:30 PM

My mother called me at work this AM and while we were talking about the shootings that took place yesterday at the army base and the one that happened today in Florida I believe she thought it was a good idea to pressure me for the MILLIONTH time about making her a grandmother. You see... (here's where the story get's funny...or not...whatever)

She recently remarried (for the 3ed time and uninvited me from her wedding party...) to a man who bluntly told her "I'll marry you but I'm not supporting your kid" (that would be me) any whozle... his 4 boys have begun giving him grand daughters and she now decides she wants one for herself. I am her only child.

Now the last conversation we had had about this I told her "Mom I have come to the conclusion that maybe God has other plan's for me. Maybe I'm not ment to be a mother to my own but mothering to many others. So I don't want to take any western medicine to force the issue" her response was "oh really?... well don't complain when you come to my house and your milk tastes funny" meaning that she would slip me fertility medication to get what she want's.

Fast forward to today... she is once again talking about how she can't wait to be a grandmother and how I need to hurry up and give her a grand baby all the while my thought voice is screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND SWEET IN THIS WORLD CAN'T YOU FRIGGIN SEE THAT YOUR WORDS HURT AND HINDER ME. STOP BEING SO FING SELFISH" But because I can't really voice my true opinion to her without her coming down on me hard or her excluding me from her life for months at a time I am forced to either excuse myself from the phone call for a fake "emergency" or take it.

My grandmother (who had 4 kids by the time she was 21) seems to think I could live without ever actually "trying" to get pregnant. Or ever having a baby for that matter.

Even though Iv said a million times my only dream all my life was to be a mother.

None of them understand what it feels like to be out of controll, to watch yourself turn into this horrible person and not be able to stop yourself. None of them can fathom why I'm so "scatterbrained" or why I can't just diet and drop the weight. No matter how hard I try to get a open conversation with them going about my PCOS they all just sit silent on the other line TOTALLY uncomfterable with talking about my reproductive organs or my feelings. Rather than listen after they have had enough they just (as usual) interrupt me and change the subject.

Why isint this more importaint to them? When I told my mother I was infertile she screamed at me... then sent me to the store to get her some brownie bites because she was "PMSing..." Iv had a TON of abuse in the past and my family really has no idea how to relate or even get close to me, so rather than try they just leave me alone. Come to find out my cousin (who is totally beautiful) has been living with my mother for 9 months, in the same town I live in. She never ONCE came by my house to visit. My mother and cousin have developed such a close bond over 9 months that she is now planning to make the 2 hour drive to continue going shopping and wine tasteing and ...

Iv waited for my mother to love me like that for 26 years... took my cousin 9 months.

I'm sorry I know I shouldn't post this here, I just really have not one other person besides the DH and I'm sure he is sick and tired of hearing about it. Last time I told him about my issues he told me we need to start phasing them out of our life.

I am just getting past all my abuse, all the horrific things I survived through. You would think that for once my family would simply show a little consideration for me. Just once stop thinking of themselves first.

I am so terrified that even if I do get pregnant I will turn out to be such a horrible mother that my child will hate me. I am terrified of being selfish. Terrified of being an attention hog. All because I am terrified of being like my premadonna mother. Or of breaking my childrens hearts with my mood swings and treating them the way my un medicated bi polar grandmother treated me. Every day was a guessing game. Was home going to be heaven or hell after school? Who knows.

And way deep down inside I still have a fear that my children will be raped the same way I was and have to live their lives in fear and mistrust like I do. That they would suspect that I allowed it to happen the way my mother did. It horrifys me. I love them so much and they arn't even concieved yet. And my family can't even begin to understand anything about me.

Oh great, mom called again...

" You know Marisa, you would be so pretty if you just lost that weight"

thanks for telling me im not pretty mom. You make my day every time you say that. Sorry yall. Im not trying to be a
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or a big ol
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. Just having a really REALLY hard day.

Chula · 11-06-2009, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabamama1
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Oh great, mom called again...

" You know Marisa, you would be so pretty if you just lost that weight"

thanks for telling me im not pretty mom. You make my day every time you say that. Sorry yall. Im not trying to be a
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or a big ol
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. Just having a really REALLY hard day.

Gosh I am sorry your going through this I am on the opposite end though my daughter is SO aganist me having another child and has said some very cruel things!!!

But if I hear that above statement ONE MORE TIME I WILL CHOKE!!!!! I was told that all the time you have a beatiful face if you would only lose weight...ugh I HATED that. I am like I will be the same person in a big body or little body!!!!!!

I wish you all the luck in the world dealing with your MOTHER!!! Breathe in Breathe out!!!

abacalvarywife · 11-06-2009, 04:43 PM

Hugs and prayers for you.

mahjab · 11-06-2009, 04:45 PM

I'm sorry.
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I can understand the feelings of frustration and when it gets to be too much, you have to rant. It will be okay....you made your AF come without any meds so you will be able to have a baby too.

Have you thought about counseling to help sort out feelings? I think it helps to talk to someone professional as they help you realize why you feel the way you do. I'm sure you will make a great mother! I have fears too, that I'm going to overwhelm my kids with overprotectiveness like my mom did. She meant well, but I was also an only child and she wanted me with her most of the time, which made it hard for me in a lot of ways. Your mom loves you but maybe she just doesn't know how to convey it to you.

Treat yourself to something fun, like a pedicure!

susan1821 · 11-06-2009, 04:57 PM

I am sorry you are going through this hard time. I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom. All I know is that I do beleive strongly in family but there are times where you need to phase them out of your life. You need to think of your well being and your family's. I am in a similar situation with DH and his family it has gotten bad where he is starting to phase them out of our life. He wants to protect our little family from anymore emtional abuse and he does not want our child raise around that enivronment.

Anonykat · 11-06-2009, 05:27 PM

Wow, honey.

I sure do relate to this on a lot of levels.

Some thoughts:

Some women are not capable of giving motherly love. They are simply too narcissistic; too sick in their souls. I had the misfortune of being born to one, and it sounds like you did too. It is not a reflection on you, regardless of whether or not she's all buddy buddy with your cousin now. I don't know if it ever stops hurting or we ever completely stop missing what should have been ours, but taking the guilt off and realizing it wasn't our fault is a big first step. There is a hole in each our hearts that longs to be filled with a mama's love and nurturing, and for those of us who never had that filled, that hole is an aching reminder everyday.

Is your husband supportive? I have found that having a healthy, happy, loving marriage has gone a long, long, long way to healing so much of my past pain and trauma. You never forget, but having a partner who loves you unconditionally, who is always on your side, can do so much to undo some of the damage.

I wanted to speak to your fear that you would end up being the kind of mother she was: it doesn't have to happen. Yes, statistics say that being raised in an abusive way raises the chances of becoming an abuser. So what? Each abused child who then became an abuser made the CHOICE to do that; they DECIDED to become an abuser. The power is 100% in your hands as to what kind of mom you will be.

I had the same fear when I was younger (I'm 34 now), before I was a mother, probably for many of the same reasons you do. It simply hasn't come to be. I am expecting our third child and I have to say I think I'm a pretty damn good mom. My kids are happy, smiling, joyful, and well-adjusted... all the things I never was at their age. Pictures of my kids now (age 3.5) nearly always show two little monkeys that are usually giggling, playing, looking like they're having fun. Nearly all pictures of me from that age show a little girl with sad eyes and a haunted look on her face. A picture's worth a thousand words, you know.

I made a CHOICE to break the cycle of abuse that has lasted generations in my family. I have bad days like everyone else, but I CHOOSE not to lose control. You can make that choice too. If you think you might need some counseling to get all this sorted out, do it before you pregnant. I would like a few therapy sessions to talk out a few things, not because I can't function - I can - , but because I think it would make me feel better, but due to my insane mommy schedule (and my poor sweet DH having to work two jobs), it's not possible right now.

And I disagree that you shouldn't post about it here - you should be able to come to a place like this and get support. Most here will try to encourage you.

Hugs. Feel free to PM me if I can be of any help.

Samie · 11-06-2009, 05:50 PM

Marisa,
I agree completely with Anonykat. I'm so very sorry for everything you've been put through, had to deal with, and continue to. YOU are a STRONG person, with a wonderful soul...why can I say that? Because you wouldn't be seeking out support and guidance, and just a comforting ear even if its through here. You won't be a bad mom...you've gone through too much to not value the blessings given to you or that you've worked for.
It may be time to distance yourself from the people who literally pour salt in the wounds of your heart. It hurts, but they are hurting you. Because you love them, and you just don't understand why they can't love and accept you for you, because you've given them that in your heart.
Your not trying to have a child for her...your trying to have a child you and your dh can love and cherish. I would say you should tell your mother this, but chances are she'll not truly listen. Whatever her reasons, etc. But it doesn't matter. You just need to remember that in your heart and soul.
I didn't have a fantastic childhood, and had a very emotionally abusive father, but the one thing I've always been grateful for having, is my mother. She's no where near perfect, and can get downright crazy at times...but I've never ever really doubted she didn't love me completely and unconditionally. And because of her past, and because of people like you and Anonykat, I'm so convinced that the human spirit and love is the strongest force in the universe. :I_hug:
Have faith...even though I HATE this saying, it does ring true from time to time, "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger"

wannabamama1 · 11-06-2009, 06:01 PM

Thank you all. I keep waiting for my heart to give up hope for a real relationship with my mother but it's hard. I keep thinking just giving up would be easier than constantly being reminded of how much I was neglected. I helped raise my younger sisters after our father died. They are my life and they tell me all the time that I will make a great mom, I made their child hood so special, there is no way I'll ever be a bad mom. But, I still feel the fear down to the core of my body. They were blessed with the most amazing mothers any child could ever want. My step mom even tried to get me away from my mother so I could be part of her family but it wasn't ment to be.

I wish it had been.

I think I have a lot to think about this weekend. Thank God for giving me my best friend and partner my DH. He had similar issues with his mother and, well, he get's it. That's a salve all on it's own. Once again THANK YOU. Every kind word really helps.

redsoxfan · 11-06-2009, 06:13 PM

I am really sorry for all that you are going through. Mother-daughter relationships can be so complicated. I can't begin to imagine why she would say the thing she said, except to say she obviously just is VERY misguided. I do know how hurtful it is when people that love say things that are just completely off the wall. We should be able to trust our loves with our most intimate feelings and it's devastating when they betray that trust. As far as the weight comment goes... ugh. I CANNOT stand it when people say that. It's so ridiculous. I know it's hard, but try not to let her get to you.

Jodi5206 · 11-06-2009, 09:06 PM

Some people will just never change... no matter how much you want them to. I know what you must be going though. You WILL be a great mother because you want to be a mother. You never appreciate what you have until it's gone. I feel like we will appreciate what we have so much more because we know how hard it was to get there.

My family says the "You'd be so pretty if you just lost that weight" thing regularly. DH is in the air force so we moved to TX from OH about 4 years ago. If I lived close and heard that even more I think I would snap! My grandma also told me (after the initial comment) that heavy people turn her stomach. Some people just dont' THINK before they SPEAK!!!!! My family has told me repeatedly that I want to take off the weight before I get pregnant because "once you get pregnant that weight will never go away!" They don't know that we've been TTC (all my friends down here do, but not my family). When we finally get that BFP I'm so nervous to tell them because I'm afraid of the response! I've actually dreamed about storming out of the house following a negative comment and never letting her meet her grand-baby. I know that is horrible, but after having such difficulty TTC a negative comment will just infuriate me!

Anonykat · 11-06-2009, 09:53 PM

Quote:

I keep waiting for my heart to give up hope for a real relationship with my mother but it's hard.

People say, "Just cut them out of your life!" (Heck, *I've* told people that myself) - but it's so so hard. Everyone wants a mom and a dad. Everyone wants someone to be proud of them. It hurts not to have that. Cutting them out of your life means that you've given up on this idea that someway, somehow, they will eventually love you and want you - letting go of this ideal is one of the hardest things a person can go through. To me it's not something you decide to do and just do - it is a process that takes many years.

I don't know how to just "cut them out", but I am ready to draw some serious boundaries around myself, to protect myself and my children. One of the biggest is this: when my DH is around, my parents both put on the phony happy face and pretend to be almost semi-normal. After an absolutely horrifying experience with them a few weeks ago, the new rule is this: I avoid phone calls with them as much as I can. I do not go over there anymore, and they are not allowed in our home under any circumstances unless DH can be there, too. He is just waiting for my mother to run her mouth against me so he can tell her what he thinks!

I can't tell you to cut your mother out - I know how hard it is. I suggest you draw some kind of boundaries though - she has shown you who she is, and she is not going to change. I am so glad you have a good and supportive DH - that makes all the difference in the world. I suggest you and he figure out something together, in regards to her and boundaries. Don't just lay back and take her crap. You deserve better.

elizabeth0531 · 11-06-2009, 10:11 PM

i just want to say, i know how you feel. i suffered abuse for years and became basically 'estranged' from my family when i was 16. after that i was on my own and would hear from my mom sometimes once a year... over the last 3 years things have gotten so much better but it's pretty much all on the surface. i love my mom so much but in my heart i know that my sister is her daughter, in her heart, and i'm... different. somehow. she just doesn't get emotionally involved with me. i've told her about my pcos and i've hinted about our ttc issues but she's not interested. it's devastating to go through infertility and not have your mom to confide in or to just be there for you. it makes you grieve for a mothering relationship on both ends. *hugs* You are NOT alone!! i know what you mean about how it's so hard to keep hoping for that 'normal' relationship but i think that's instinct, to want that. always. i know i always have, even though i have a lot of anger etc. toward her. but you just have to put that instinct in a box and put that box behind everything positive - as i'm sure you do, i have a very loving husband who is my best friend and who is MY FAMILY now and i try to never let myself forget that i AM loved for being myself. it can tear your whole world apart if you let it, so DON'T let it. victim is a word that partially describes you, among many other words. it doesn't define you and neither does your mother's thoughlessness.

oh and also, maybe you'd like to blog? i keep mine really private because i'm just a really private person but i could post you the link if you're interested. it's a great way to vent and get things off my chest, very therapeutic. you might like doing one of your own
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Tina Castle · 11-06-2009, 10:30 PM

I understand how you feel. My mom is weird about my PCOS and she even went as far as to say I'm making everything up. I told her that I have insulin resistance and she started a huge argument about how that's not a real medical condition because she's never heard of it.

She gets on me about my weight all the time. I keep telling her I'm going to have fertility issues, but she won't listen. She thinks a man will cure all my ailments and I keep wondering why I bother telling her anything.

Sometimes mothers don't understand their daughters (and vice versa) because they don't want to. I know my mom is a selfish person, but she can go on rants about how *un*selfish she is. She makes a point of listing everything she gave up to be a "good" mother. She cries about being unloved by her own children.

Eventually you'll learn how to tune your mom out. Just accept that she's only reacting this way because the situation isn't about her. This is more about her hang ups than yours. Live your life as the beautiful person you are and when the time to be a mother comes along it will.

NJgroomer · 11-06-2009, 10:45 PM

I am thinking that the canned response should be (and will be my new one).....I'll start trying if you start paying!!!!!! We need about 9 grand, so you wanna pony up some, and hey, we'll see!

rcdunford · 11-07-2009, 12:42 AM

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of that. I can empathize a bit, my family totally doesn't get it... I was diagnosed 3 yrs ago and all my parents said were that if it was to happen, it'll happen. And only ONCE since then have they asked me how things are going baby wise. It royally sucks! And then for the real kick in the gut, my younger sister had an abortion a few months back b/c she's already a single mother and doesn't know if the current bf is going to stick around. My older sis told me this, and first I couldn't believe she would even tell me and then I couldn't believe my sis would do this knowing how hard we've tried and how much I wish I could get pregnant. I'll be going home for Christmas and the last thing I want is to see her, but I dont know how I'll be able to do that. All I can say to you though is that you're so lucky to have a DH who cares and listens. i dont know what I'd do w/o mine. Good luck to you and I hope your family/mom comes around... it's nice to have a supportive family.