My family is a bunch of insensitive pricks about my infertility! - Page 2

watpfb · 11-07-2009, 12:52 AM

wannabamamma1,

I am sorry this is happening to you. i agree with your dh, you should definitely try to phase them out. you should not be around negatives and you should only should be around positives. Being around so much negative can cause so much stress and make your pcos worse.
I understand to a point what you are going through, my mom always says that I would be prettier if I lost weight. I try to explain to her that I am trying and it is hard with PCOS. She says well God, you have gained and look bad. GEE THANKS MOM!. She always asks what is wrong with me, why I cant get pregnant. I always explain to her why and tell her I am tired of explaining it to her. She does not understand. She had three girls by the time she was 19. My little sister also tricked a guy and got pregnant.
While I was having surgery for endo and uterine fibroid removal; My mom did not even call or anything to see if I was ok. She drove 3 hours away to see my little sister when she had a cold. I was 4 hours away and a phone call away as well. There is so many other things to say she has done and said as well as my little sister but I dont want to keep typing that long
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My dh is very supportive. I have tried to phase her and my younger sister out due to the negatives. Life is to short to be around all that and I am trying to become healthier for me. It has helped me so much being away from them and only seeing them a few times a year. I have found I am less stressed out and am losing weight. I also have had a better marriage.I am happier.
Hope all this helps, I just want you to know you are not alone
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Hugs,
tonya

elizabeth0531 · 11-07-2009, 09:02 AM

NJGroomer - perfect!!

Bel Diamante · 11-07-2009, 10:15 AM

Sorry about your experience with your family. This sounds all to familiar to me as well.

Purple_monkfish · 11-07-2009, 11:07 AM

Here here! My mother is equally as irritating about the subject, which astounds me given her history with m/c and suchforth.
She's more negative though, and a fricken hypocrite. See, i'm blessed enough to have one son, but when I miraculously concieved him, what did my mother have to say? Not "Oh wow, what great news! You've beaten the odds!" or anything like that, oh no.. her exact words? "You're ruining your life!"
Cheers mum, cheers.

Fast forward 3 years and we've been trying unsuccessfully for a year to give my son a sibling. We've exhausted our options and now i'm facing the last course of treatments before the doctors give up and play the "IVF" card, which we can't afford.
What's my mother now saying? "Oh you have one, you should just be happy" and "Do you NEED another child?" and best yet "Oh but your son is such a miracle!"
Yeah, changed your tune haven't you? So this whole ruining my life thing and now my little boy, who you didn't want me to have, is a miracle and ablessing? Sod off woman, seriously.

I think my point is, other people SUCK. Family especially, full of insensitive stupid remarks and annoyance. Who can really understand the pain of infertility unless they've gone through it themselves? And while my mother had a lot of m/c, she never once was told she couldn't concieve. Never once did she have to wonder if she'd reached the end of the line and her body had actually given up on her.
She ovulated, she had cycles and she managed to fall pregnant, which is more than I can say. Since my last loss in Janurary, i've had non ovulatory cycle after non ovulatory cycle, so naturally i'm scared that this is the end for me.

Oddly, my dad is actually sympathetic... I don't get it, shouldn't women be more compassionate? In my experience? no.

For the record, I get these stock remarks:
"Oh you're YOUNG!" (yes, and I don't ovulate so WHAT DOES MY AGE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!)
"You had one baby!" (Yes, and he's a freaking miracle. Secondary infertility is a very real problem!)
"Oh just you wait till you have another" (oh I wish)
and
"There's always IVF" (you gonna pay for it random family member? You gonna console me when after spending thousands of pounds, I fail to maintain the pregnancy and blame myself? No? Thought not)

theOceanicSix · 11-07-2009, 12:57 PM

This is a very therapeutic thread and it has also made me cry! Not just because you girls have gone through hell, but because I have too, and didn't realize so many of you know how I feel!

wannabemama, as you can clearly see, you are not alone by any means. I was abused as a child too, by my stepdad. And what did my mom do when she found out? Divorced him and then went right back to him a year or so later. This man HURT her CHILD, and yet she went back to him. I'm a Christian and believe in forgiveness; I've even forgiven my ex-stepdad, I truly have. I would even understand if my mom forgave him. But to go back to him?? No mother should ever do that to their child.

Here's the kicker though: when she found out years later that he had done it to OTHER kids, THEN she left him for good. I guess I wasn't important enough.

She's also completely insensitive. She knows about our infertility and my heartbreak ttc, but every effing time she calls me, she lets me know just how wonderful and cute and perfect my brother's kids are. I know I'll never cut her completely out of my life (mostly because she's bi-polar, so I'd feel horrible), but I don't put much into the relationship at all. When she calls I let her talk and just say "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh" until we hang up.

My dad was never around either when I was growing up. So I missed out on having two loving parents. But it makes me that much more thankful that I have Jesus and my absolute sweetheart of a husband.

melbatoast · 11-07-2009, 10:04 PM

I know what you are going thru.I have not spoke to my family in 3 yrs.My uncle was telling me how fat I am when we were in the hospital waiting for my adoptive mother to die.I'm adopted and my adopted family never really accepted me as a true part of the family.I'm in contact with my birthmother now and that relationship is hard too.I understand how the abuse both sexual and mental affects the way you feel about yourself.I worry if I'm going to be a good parent.I figure if I've tried this hard to become pregnant then that means something.I love the baby that we are going to have someday already.I thank God everyday for my dh.He has helped to heal so much.We are all strong women.The pcos has one good side effect in teaching us to keep fighting for what we desire most.

BabyDreamz10 · 11-08-2009, 03:39 PM

Baby Dust to you!!
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ChaoticChris · 11-08-2009, 05:46 PM

Just tell them it's hereditary. Got my mom to hush for a little while.
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wannabamama1 · 11-09-2009, 12:49 PM

I'm going to reply to a lot of you wonderful ladies but first...

Friday I had to run by my mothers house (because she can't seem to figure out how to do some of her own chores like running errands, filling the bird feeder, take out the trash ect. her husband cut back her monthly allowance so she had to fire the maid... poor her) And she had the nerve to tell me, mind you she has always insisted that I need to be "skinny". Personally I would never WANT to be "skinny" I ENJOY being a thick latina. My husband met me that way and he LOVES me that way. Id like to lose enough to be comfy, no ake's or pains but she is so insistant that "If you just lost all that weight I BET YOU A CAR..." A.K.A. bribe... let's just try to buy your daughter once again so she can fit into the cookie cutter patter you think she should fit.

I digress...

"once you lose all your weight I bet you a car that you won't have that problem" she men't pcos. I had just got done trying to tell her about a couple articles on this site that said either Maternal weight gain during pregnancy or genetics could be the culprit. I wanted to tell her weight loss is a treatment, and yes it will help thats why I go to the gym, and there are thin women that have PCOS it's not just a "fat" problem. But she wanted to convince me that it could not be her 19 yo stupidity that caused me to have PCOS, that ho-ho's and ding dongs every day and at least 60 pounds of weight gain might have been part of my problem today (even though I was born a very over weight 10 pounds 11 ounces). Because then that might mean she had something to do with my struggle. I would not blame her. In the early 80'S there was not a whole lot being done jesus they didn't even have a sonogram yet, they thought I was a BOY!

But the least she could do is listen. I remember when she was diagnosed with her own health problems I did research for day's, week's. I wanted to know anything that could help her.

I have come to the position that my mother will never understand me completly. She will believe me to be weak, because my tears flow freely. Well she is mistaken. I am strong, strong enough to raise her from the time I was big enough to climb up onto the counter and make her a hangover remedy at the tender age of 6. Strong enough to survive her BF molesting and raping me and her calling me a liar because "he said he didn't do it". Strong enough to take the hate and posion my grandmother gave me day after day because of the hate left behind from my mothers actions. Strong enough to lose my father, my only pregnancy, and save my mother from a suicide attempt within a 3 month time period, at the age of 17 then turn around and start raising my two young half sisters. Yes I'm VERY strong. She was just either too enebriated or high or distracted by her own beauty and life to ever see it for herself.

Sometimes I get down, I think "I don't deserve all this burden, I want to give up so bad" And I do. I allow myself to lay my bag's down and take a moment to look around myself. I have not stopped. I have continued on. And I may not have much money, I may not have a huge house, or a nice shiny car, I may not have finished my education yet and my husband may not be 6 ft tall and rich or wordly he may be a bit of a hick and I may be too. We may never be rich in wealth. But dear GOD we are strong together. We survived. We are full of love and laughter. We lift one another up out of the garbage we were born in and we soar across God's sky together. We rise above and we share our meager blessings because we know it's the right thing to do. We are GOOD people and we deserve this blessing we are earning. And if she never love's me the way I want her to love me that's ok. I'll just give all my love I can possibly to my daughter or son. I will kiss my kid's all over their faces, I will cuddle them on the couch, I will play makeup and dress up, I will make mud pies, I will teach them how to bake, and catch bugs, and .... I will be present in their lives and remind them every day that they are my love, they are my life. Because they deserve it, and their love for me will heal my bleeding heart.

Thank you ladies all of you. In you I see mirror images of a daughter's pain and just knowing that you all understand, that you hear me and echo back my cries of a young girls empty heart, heals me. I am not alone and that is a blessing all in it's own.