On Tuesday morning, during a routine u/s, DH and I found out our baby had stopped developing a few days before and the heart had stopped beating. We'd been having weekly u/s and blood tests (for progesterone) as we hadn't been released from our RE to a regular ObGyn. And we mistakenly thought we were safe, being only 2 weeks from the 2nd trimester. I sat on the exam table in complete shock, not quite understanding how our baby, who just last week had a strong 167 bpm heart and was wiggling around, was now still and lifeless. My DH stood beside me sobbing. How did this happen to us? How had I moved from being a woman trying to get pregnant, who'd known all her life she was destined to be a mother, to a woman with infertility problems, to a woman who'd had a miscarriage? And how had I missed that something was wrong? Shouldn't I have known?
I had a D&C on Wednesday morning and were it not for the cramps and the steady flow of blood, I might could forget for a second and "feel" pregnant again. I have moments were I feel angry; angry that this is a world where crack heads can carry children to term and child abusers can beat their healthy children to death and so many of us, loving couples lose badly wanted babies. At times I feel lost and confused. But mostly I just feel this hole, this aching pain that seems as if it will never cease or even dull. I know it will. I know too many of you have gone on to survive. I hope someday to consider myself a surviver, right now, I'm just not feeling so certain.
I know we'll try again. I've never been one to give up. Too stubborn. But the thought of losing another one is terrifying. And, of course, I'm questioning everything I did or didn't do and making a mental list of all the things I want to do differently. Next time I'll really watch my sodium and next time I won't have dessert so often. If I get morning sickness again, I'll try to eat apples instead of crackers. And I'll talk to the baby more, I don't feel like I talked to him enough. I'll make sure, everyday, our baby knows how much we love them and want them. And I'm sure, next time I'll be more scared, more nervous than I was this time. But I don't want to wait for another miscarriage like it's inevitable. I want to have hope again someday.
Sorry to ramble on so long - but if you're still with me, thanks for listening.
__________________ ~Robyn
me 33 DH 32 missed miscarriage 5/1/06 - 10 weeks 1000 mgs Met (start 6/06)
2000 mgs Met (start 9/07)
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{{{HUGS}}} I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember it is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done. Please take time for yourself and dh. You will need each other right now.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Please know that you did nothing wrong, and that its okay that you "didn't know" something was wrong. I had a similar experience. At my first u/s we saw a nice strong beating heart. I had no signs that I had lost the baby- I hadn't started bleeding or anything. I went to the docs thinking I was 11 weeks pregnant and was told that the baby had passed sometime before.
Over time the pain does lessen, but I don't know if it ever fully goes away. July will mark 2 years since I lost my precious angel and I still think about her. I didn't have any testing done on the fetus so I don't have answers as to why it happened. But I have come to terms with the fact that I didn't do anything to cause it, just as you didn't do anything to cause your m/c.
(((hugs))) When I read your post, I thought I was reading one of my journal entries. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope that this forum will be able to help you get through the rough times.
__________________ My IVF Mircale has arrived! My baby boy - August 10, 2009
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My Angel - 12/08/2005
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BFP 12/23/08 M/C at appr. 5-8 weeks-nothing on the u/s To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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Oh Sweetie....I'm so very sorry for your loss. Be good to yourself and cling to your DH during this sad time. Please don't think you did anything to cause this. I know it's about impossible, but know that we are here for you if you need to vent or cry or scream or anything.
Manders
__________________
Our baby Bryce Rylee could only stay 7 weeks and 5 days before going to meet Jesus to be one of His angels.
3-15-06
Our twin baby boys went to Heaven together 5-7-07
Gavin James and Brogan Ryker 19 weeks 3 days
They died and ended up saving my life. They are forever my heroes.
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PM me about my Grandma's newly published Gluten Free Cookbook!
I'm so sorry this happened. My heart truly breaks for you. The exact same thing happened to me back in October, in fact today was my due date. I had my fourth m/c in Feb. Please believe me when I say YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! I felt the same way after my first m/c. mine was at 17 weeks. that was June 2004, in Feb. 2005 I lost my son at 16 weeks. In October 2005 @11 weeks I went in for my biweeekly sonogram and there was no hb. With my fourth baby (Feb. 2006) I was about 6weeks and the night before my first prenatal exam I started spotting.
My DH and I feel the same way you do about the crack addicts and child abusers who have healthy baby after healthy baby. It's just not fair. They should be the ones with the infertility issues, not us.
I'm with you, I'm not giving up. Don't evelet fear make your decisions for you. I am determined to have my own baby.
Read my quote in my siggy.
We are all here for you to support you duriing such a difficult time. The sun will shine for you again, I promise.
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
Check my album for current pictures
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
I am so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs)) It may seem repetitive, but remember, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!! I felt the same way after my m/c's, especially my 3rd one (the 3rd one, my dr. said that I had carried the baby for 2 1/2 weeks without knowing that it's heart had stopped). It is a terrible place to be, and I know that your heart hurts. Stay close to your DH right now... it may help you both. Just know that there is support here if you need it.
my first miscarriage 
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope that this forum will be able to help you get through the rough times.
