I have a friend who I've known since I was 16, she was 14. We're the kind of friends who may not see each other for long periods of time, but when we do get together it's like no time has passed. Does that make sense?
Anyway, she and her boyfriend had a daughter, Rhiannon, in July. The pregnancy was complicated--she was on bed rest for the last part of it--but her baby girl was born healthy. I get to work this morning and find an email from her, sent Saturday, stating that Rhiannon had passed away Friday afternoon due to "unknown causes." The funeral is tomorrow.
Now I've had my share of experience with death. In the last 5 years I've lost my brother, 1 grandfather, and 2 friends, one of them very, very special to me. But they were all adults. I've never dealt with the passing of an infant, and I've never lost a child. (I've never had one.) I'm not worried about knowing what to say to her--I've been the one people are comforting, and there's never anything you can say that honestly makes a difference.
But I've experienced the pain of loss, although not the same loss, and when I have to watch someone else go through it I not only acutely remember what it feels like, I hurt for the person who is in so much pain. Basically, I'm going to be a blubbering idiot tomorrow at the funeral, and I don't think that will help anyone. If my friend is somehow holding it together, I don't want to be the one to make her crack because I'm so distraught. When it comes to death, no matter whose death, it's so personal to me that I'm like one giant nerve ending, and I can't help it. One look at the grieving mother, one sniffle from her, and I'll be lost.
I guess I don't really have a question anybody can answer. How do I not feel? I guess I'll just do my best to control myself, and I'll sneak off to the bathroom or something if I have to sob. I just don't want to make anything worse for anyone.
__________________ Me (33), Dan (31), married 5/5/06 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Basically, I'm going to be a blubbering idiot tomorrow at the funeral, and I don't think that will help anyone. If my friend is somehow holding it together, I don't want to be the one to make her crack because I'm so distraught.
Don't worry about crying. You should cry if that is how you feel. It was comforting to me to have people crying around me when I lost my baby. I felt like they were sharing my pain. And trust me, there's no way she's going to be really holding it together, even if she looks like she is. She will be in pain, inside, for a very long time. You're not going to make her crack anymore than she already is.
I think it's so sweet that you want to be strong for her. But I think the best thing to do is to be real with your emotions. It helps to know that others care and that others will miss the baby and that you're sad for her loss. Just listen to her and be there for her. That's the best thing you can do.
I hope that helps...
Adrianne
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Last edited by GabrielsMom; 10-31-2005 at 06:20 PM.
I am so sorry, that is awful. I have a friend, Sarah, and we have the same relationship. I haven't seen her in almost two years yet I would do anything for her and I know she feels the same. Just be there for her and be honest about your feelings. Cry if you need to, your presence will make all the difference in the world.
I agree that you should let it out. A terrible thing has happened. This baby was like a neice to you, and she is gone. When my baby died, I didn't know why the world kept turning and everyone went about their business. It will be good for your friend to see that she is not bearing this sadness alone. Squeeze her tight. And then check in with her from time to time. A lot of bereaved parents feel safest in their quiet shell, but they need to be reminded that people are thinking of them and remembering. Next year at the baby's birthday and death day, call or send a card. Mother's Day and Father's Day are also good times to give some support.
Thanks for being a good friend!
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
My best friend lost her daughter (my goddaughter) who was only 2 yrs old a couple of years ago on December 23rd (yes, the day before christmas), we have been friends for 14yrs...It was the hardest thing I think I have ever been through even with watching my own father batle cancer for 3 years and eventually losing that battle when I was 18. Rachel's death was sudden, unexpected and devastating. There is nothing you can say or do, I know you know that...just be there for her...it's all you can do...even if your not doing anything...just be there because it really does make a difference. Help her pick up the pieces one by one while she will eventually try to put them back together.
I am so sorry for the loss you are all feeling...I truly understand from your standpoint.
Be Strong...
Stormy~
__________________ *Married 10/04 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Thanks everyone. Your words do help. I was worried after I posted that I might come across as being horribly selfish--like my main concern was not blubbering in front of everyone. But you all seem to understand where I'm coming from, and that makes me feel better. (But then I feel guilty for having someone make me feel better, when I'm not the one who has suffered this horrible tragedy.....I can go on and on....)
I guess I'm just over-sensitive about the fact that I'm over-sensitive. (I'm really not trying to be funny.) When I read the email this morning, I called a mutual friend to ask him if he knew about it, and he seemed surprised that I was crying, like it shouldn't bother me that much. I've been a "cryer" ever since my brother died. I'll cry at movies, commercials, etc. I sometimes feel like it's not normal, and his comment made me self-conscious.
But how can I not cry about this? Someone I care about very much is going through something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and I don't like it when my friends hurt. Maybe he's the weird one.
I'm just rambling now.....I don't know what to do....
__________________ Me (33), Dan (31), married 5/5/06 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Go. And cry if you need to. I can guarantee you that at a funeral for a baby, there will be lots of tears.
Things happen in our lives that make us ultra-sensitive. For me, it was motherhood. Prior to having DD, I NEVER cried. Fought it with everything I had if I got close. Now, I bawl at the drop of a hat. Hallmark commercial? I'm bawling. Movie where anything happens to a child or an animal? Bring out the tissue. And I don't bother fighting it anymore. I've kind of embraced my suddenly close-to-the-surface-emotions.
Be there for your friend. And bring tissue.
__________________ Christy (30) married to Earl (42) since 1/17/97
DD Alyssa To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. born 11/2001
I have a friend who I've known since I was 16, she was 14. We're the kind of friends who may not see each other for long periods of time, but when we do get together it's like no time has passed. Does that make sense?
Anyway, she and her boyfriend had a daughter, Rhiannon, in July. The pregnancy was complicated--she was on bed rest for the last part of it--but her baby girl was born healthy. I get to work this morning and find an email from her, sent Saturday, stating that Rhiannon had passed away Friday afternoon due to "unknown causes." The funeral is tomorrow.
Now I've had my share of experience with death. In the last 5 years I've lost my brother, 1 grandfather, and 2 friends, one of them very, very special to me. But they were all adults. I've never dealt with the passing of an infant, and I've never lost a child. (I've never had one.) I'm not worried about knowing what to say to her--I've been the one people are comforting, and there's never anything you can say that honestly makes a difference.
But I've experienced the pain of loss, although not the same loss, and when I have to watch someone else go through it I not only acutely remember what it feels like, I hurt for the person who is in so much pain. Basically, I'm going to be a blubbering idiot tomorrow at the funeral, and I don't think that will help anyone. If my friend is somehow holding it together, I don't want to be the one to make her crack because I'm so distraught. When it comes to death, no matter whose death, it's so personal to me that I'm like one giant nerve ending, and I can't help it. One look at the grieving mother, one sniffle from her, and I'll be lost.
I guess I don't really have a question anybody can answer. How do I not feel? I guess I'll just do my best to control myself, and I'll sneak off to the bathroom or something if I have to sob. I just don't want to make anything worse for anyone.
I just had a similar problem a couple of months ago. My friends baby died at 2 days old. She took the child home from the hospital, seemingly with no problems, but the next morning found her dead. It was a genetic heart problem.
The first thing I did was call, and listen while she cried her heart out. I then ordered some flowers to be sent to the house, with the message 'thinking of you all', because I just kept thinking that her husband and other kids would be dealing with the horror of it all too.
and then every 2 days I'd call her again until the funeral.
Its good to call, and just listen. offer your shoulder - day or night. it'll mean more than anything.
I call about once a week, sometimes she mentions the baby, sometimes she doesn't, but she knows I'm here if she ever needs me.
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
37, diag 1993 - textbook case! tried; Dianette*Met*Provera.Now back on Spiro, & taking; Atracand for high BP*Evening Primrose Oil*Milk Thistle*Cinnamon*Agnus Castus*Multivitamin + Minerals with Probiotic*St Johns Wort*Glucosamine*
Drew- I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I'm sitting here crying myself! My little man just turned a year old yesterday, and I can't even begin to imagine what everyone must be going through. It's not healthy to hold the tears in, and crying is all part of the grieving process. I remember when my best friends dad died five days before her 13th birthday. All of a sudden thing, she called me to tell me, and I started crying right on the phone. And as odd as this sounds, I think she wsa touched by the fact that I was able to share her pain. It just shows how deeply you care about someone and there is nothing wrong with that.
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
My friend's baby passed away 
