This is my healing process....or venting process.

Lezasc20 · 06-18-2008, 07:42 AM

Hi ladies. I just need to spill out my emotions. I dont have many people to talk to about this. My mother is on the East coast and I'm in Hawaii so talking on the phone is not my favorite thing. My dh is very understanding but he is no longer greiving. My best friends here are pregnant or nursing an infant and dont need to hear of death. So I am looking to you girls to "listen". I am going to spill out ALL of my feelings and I hope that no one is offended or disgusted. I just need to get them out. This is the best place that I can think of....

1. I'm angry....at who? I'm not sure. Maybe God. Maybe myself. Maybe doctors for taking me off Metformin before 12 weeks. Maybe my OB for telling me as she took out the last piece of tissue that belonged to my baby that I am young and fertile and I have time on my side.

2. I'm confused....why did I lose my baby when "friends" around me are pregnant with babies they didnt even want at the time? Why did my baby have to go to Heaven already?

3. I'm scared....That my next baby wont survive either. Im worried my body cant handle another baby or loss. I'm scared that my dh will leave me if I can never have children.

4. I feel guilty....for having intercourse that day.....maybe it led to the m/c. I feel guilty when I laugh b/c my baby wont have that chance and I shouldnt be happy either. I feel guilty when I dont have the strength to clean my house or cook for my dh b/c I'm in bed crying until I fall asleep only to wake up and cry again.

5. I want to remain isolated in my house instead of facing reality out my front door. My reality is that I only have 3 months with my dh before he leaves for War again...our 3rd time in our short 3 years of marriage. I dont want to face the fact he may never come home and this baby may have been our only chance together.

6. I feel like I shouldnt be out in the public with a pad on that is catching the blood from my baby's "home". My stupid ob referred to it as a "scab that is healing". HOW DARE SHE CALL MY BABY A "SCAB"!!

7. IM SO ANGRY!! I want to hit pregnant women that look at me while I sit in the OB office and cry. I want to smack the ER Doctor who told me to go home b/c he assured me that I was ok....one day before I passed the sac.

8. I'm jealous that 3 of my immediate cousins are going to be pregnant for the rest of the year and in 2009 they will be blessed with children. I am mad that I'm the FIRST person in my entire family to experience this loss.

9. Im sooo mad that I only have two months to try again before my best friend and life partner is swept off to a foreign country to fight for people that do not appreciate his sacrifice.

10. I'm lost.....I cant find my faith when I need it the most. I love my Lord Jesus Christ...but where is he?

unctoothlady · 06-18-2008, 09:43 AM

Leza, I am so sorry you feel this way. And I know you may not want to hear this but be assured that it wasn't your fault. I understand how you feel about pregnant people especially those who didn't really want kids. I have a friend who told me she was pregnant in my two week wait period and I was so angry. I then found out I was pregnant the next week. She is of course still pregnant. They were using birth control and did not want children just yet. It sucks but I am dealing with it the best I can. I also have another friend who had her 2nd child last month. She has been trying to comfort me but its hard to accept that comfort especially since she has her two angels in her arms everyday.

I was actually going to be on met for the entire pregnancy and I was taking it religiously. Also my husband and I have not BD'ed since April 27th. He wouldn't allow me to lift a finger around the house to do anything. I thought I was doing EVERYTHING right but it still happened.

Have you talked about things with your DH about what he wants to do? Have you talked to your doctor? I have a friend (if you want her screen name, I will give it to you) but she is in the same situation as you. Her DH is going to get deployed soon too. They have looked around at sperm banks where its going to be reasonable for them to store samples so that she can continue her journey to pregnancy after he leaves. She is going through the similar emotions as you are.

Just let me know if you would like to meet her and I will put you in contact.

((hugs))

Miracle07 · 06-18-2008, 12:14 PM

Leza- I am so sorry for your loss. Just know that most of us share your same fears and thoughts.

Pebbles74 · 06-18-2008, 01:14 PM

Leza- ((hugs)) I am sorry for your loss. I have many of the same feelings you are having still and I had my m/c over 8 weeks ago. It's gets a little easier as more time passes. My DH has moved on a lot quicker than I did. I think it is their nature. just know that you are not alone we are all here for you ....

Petunia1985 · 06-18-2008, 01:47 PM

Leza,
One thing you have to make yourself believe is that this has nothing to do with what you did wrong. You didn't do anything wrong! Sometimes we don't know and will never know in this world why things happen, but one consolation at least for me when I lost my baby was that 1. He's in a very happy place 2. He's looking down on you and praying for you. There is nothing that is going to take your pain away right now, but it does get better with time. And please turn to Our Lord because He does understand your pain and He will comfort you. After all he gave His own child for the salvation of us.
I know what your saying about your husband seeming to be over grieving, thats what I thought with mine too but the fact of the matter is they grieve in a different way, and he probably believes it was his fault and that could be why he can't talk about it either. Comfort each other, men are such tough creatures and they don't want their woman to see them in any way weak. So he may need you too just as much as you need him. God bless you both!

Lezasc20 · 06-18-2008, 03:45 PM

Hey Val. We have discussed what we wanted to do. My dh is so looking forward to trying again these next two months. He would never agree to a sperm bank b/c he wouldnt even do an IUI b/c HE wants to do it....prideful maybe? I would love your friends name. Having another soldier's wife is always comforting to talk to.

Im not glad any of you have had to experience these feelings but it does me know that life goes on to see that many of you have shared the same fears.

I know in my heart I didnt do anything, but its hard not to blame someone....and the only person I can do that to w/o hurting them is myself.

Im sure I"ll push some of this pain aside and move on...but I"m not ready to do it yet.

unctoothlady · 06-18-2008, 04:43 PM

Her name is Fay. Her username is Afro_cyster. I told her about you. She is very nice and you will enjoy her friendship a lot.