My heart is broken...

anivan · 04-13-2003, 08:03 PM

Hello All....

I am 32 years old & have been TTC #1 since May 2000. I suffered a miscarriage of twins on March 24th at 8 weeks. I guess I just need someone who has been through this to tell me that everything is going to be OK again...

I don't know anyone who has been through this & I feel pretty alone. I bled & cramped for three weeks before the m/c was confirmed & I think a part of me didn't allow myself to "fall in love" with the babies because I knew they wouldn't go to term. Does that sound cold? I'm just so anxious to try again-but that makes me think that I'm trying to "replace" them.

Also, I have been reading a lot of messages & I have noticed that a lot of posters have had multiple miscarriages. How do you keep your faith after losing so many babies?

Finally (sorry this is so long) I was wondering if anyone could give me any insight about how to handle people close to you being pregnant. My best friend is pregnant & is due about 10 days before I would have been. We were SO excited to go through pregnancy together & now I would rather die than look at her! I don't think I'm going to be able to see her baby without losing my mind. I don't want to lose her friendship, but this has placed a huge wall between us. Every time we talk, I feel like she's rubbing her pregnancy in my face. Too add insult to injury, she's also smoking through her pregnancy, not a very good mother & her marriage is a joke. I just keep asking God,"WHY???"

Thank you for listening!
~Ann

shenacat · 04-13-2003, 08:52 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss

I know that miscarriage happens to about 1 in 6 confirmed pregnancies, not just in women of high risk like us. So there is every chance your next pregnancy will be well. That's what I tell myself, as I lost my first pregnancy last month as well.

I found out I was pregnant the day before I started spotting. I knew something was wrong when I saw the blood and until the miscarriage was confirmed I went through a horror of emotions. I had almost convinced myself the bleeding was normal (all these women confirming that they'd bled and went on to have healthy babies). I'd had moments of such intense love for the baby that I thought if I loved it enough it would stay put. In the back of my mind though I knew it wasn't going to and when the miscarriage was confirmed it was not a surprise.

I am also extremely anxious to try again. My doctors told me to wait a month until I have another cycle before trying again but I could not. Unfortunately my DH was not cooperative during my ovulation this month so I ended up waiting anyway. I'm mad about that because I want to get pregnant again right away. I don't feel I'll be replacing anybody. I know if someone is meant to be a part of my family they will be whether it is now or later, with me or with someone else. My mom had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with me, and much later when my niece was very small, she said that when she was up in heaven we were in line together to be part of the family and I kicked her out of line. So I kind of sorta believe it, that she was the child my mom miscarried and so my mom had me, and now she's my niece. So I think, surely the baby I miscarried will still be in my family somewhere. It just wasn't meant to be this one.

I am also starting to feel really upset at people who are pregnant. It's awful but I suppose it's normal. Before when I just couldn't GET pregnant, it was different for me. I didn't resent others for being pregnant I just didn't think about it much. Now that I lost a pregnancy I hate them and want to smack them. *sigh* I don't know how to deal with that yet. Luckily I'm not around any pregnant ladies in my daily life or I'd shun them I'm sure.

Sapphire Spirit · 04-13-2003, 09:27 PM

Ann I'm so sorry to see you here...........each loss makes me so sad and I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your precious little bubby.
I can relate to the feelings you are having and know just how difficult it is to have pregnant friends and relatives when you have just lost your own precious baby.
When I had my first m/c my dh's cousins wife was pregnant and smoking so I totally understand your rage about that. I nearly jammed her cigarettes where the sun don't shine!!! I wish I had some miraculous explanation about why bad things happen to good people....but I don't. I do however believe in this saying
"You are never asked to do more than you are able without being given the strength and ability to do it." You will come through this terrible grief and be ok. You are a strong person and we are here for you all the way.

Take Care

Amy

*DannysMom* · 04-13-2003, 10:08 PM

I lost my twins at 16 weeks. This was my second miscarriage. After my first miscarriage at 8w4d I honestly believed that "okay, God, I don't understand why but I know you will bless me again when the time is right"... so when I was blessed two fold I believed with all my heart that I wouldn't experience another miscarriage... Little did I know that tragedy would strike again... and I would lose both my twins even after I thought I was in the clear (2nd trimester)...but I did. I know the pain... and feeling as though there is no more hope... and that if we try again... we might miscarry again. So I have my moments when I am afraid... but mostly those moments when I obsess all day long about having a baby to hold and call my own... So we keep trying...
I have a SIL who is due one week before my twins would have been born... I despise her... carry hatred in my heart for her (mostly b/c she's mean to begin with)... and will not bring myself now to ever be in her presence... i am told she keeps growing bigger and bigger... and this, I am afraid, could send me into hysterics should I see her.... so I feel the resentment you speak of... I like to think my feelings are normal for a woman whose experienced loss... so I give myself the right to feel this way... and pray that one day these hateful feelings disappear.... I just want you to know that I know the emotions you speak of... give yourself a break and understand that you'll go through so many emotions on your journey to healing....
Karen

cystermoon · 04-13-2003, 11:03 PM

Ann (((HUGS))) I am so very sorry for your loss. I am one of those who knows the sorrow of multiple losses all too well.

You asked,

Quote:

How do you keep your faith after losing so many babies?

Well I can honestly tell you, I just about lost my faith over it. I won't sugar coat it, it isn't easy, but you do eventually get your life back. It takes time--your own time, not the time others think you need, but it does eventually start to get easier to handle. You never forget. You learn to move on. My last loss has been extremely hard to bear because it took IVF just to get pg so I know that if I want to try again, I am looking at another long procedure that still may end up negatively.

I think the important thing is that you have to allow yourself the chance to grieve. It may be too sensitive for you to be around your pg friend right now and she should understand. It doesn't mean you wish this on her, it doesn't mean you don't care, it just means that though you are thrilled for her, the pain you are carrying inside you is too great and often filled with resentment. It is perfectly normal. It is just a step in the whole grieving process.

People around you who can't understand what you are going through are going to say some pretty stupid things--oh they won't mean it, but they don't realize how hurtful they are. Try not to judge them too harshly. Make people aware when you don't want to talk about it and let people know when you feel comfortable talking about it. There is no set rule on how long grief will last. That depends on the individual. A lot of people get over it immediately and are anxious to try again while others are a bit more cautious. Don't let anyone bully you into "getting over it". You will know when you are ready again.

Until then, take care of yourself.

anivan · 04-14-2003, 01:30 AM

Oh my goodness!

Thank you all SO much for the replies...I never expected to get so many! I have to say that almost every one of you has expressed something that I have felt. I too had many pregnant women tell me that they bled through their whole pregnancy & had healthy babies. I feel that it really gave me a lot of false hope (even though I knew in my heart that my babies were not meant to be...)

I also know about all of the stupid & insensitive things people can say...For example, my best friend(the smoking pregnant lady) offered me her oldest child since she was "carrying a spare". I could have murdered her at that point. She also gave me the whole "you could always adopt" speech. I thought "well, that's really easy for the PREGNANT woman to say, isn't it?" I don't mean to sound negative or bitter, but I think I could write a book about what NOT to say to someone who has experienced a miscarriage....

A dear old friend of mine expressed it best. She just sent me an e-mail & said "I wish I knew what to say but I don't. There's nothing I can say but this: I am praying for you & I'm thinking about you every day. I'm SO sorry this happened to you-it is SO unfair. I'm here for you whenever you need to talk-call me anytime..." I sent her an e-mail & told her that she said the exact thing I needed to hear.

We did everything wrong when we got pregnant-we told EVERYONE, we started decorating a baby room, we bought a few items of baby clothes, we ALMOST bought a car seat...I have already told my husband that if this ever happens again, NO ONE will be told until I am at least 4-5 months pregnant & not ONE baby item will come into my house until I am 8-9 months along. After the miscarriage was confirmed, I went straight to the baby room & dismantled it. I threw away my progesterone & my prenatal vitamins & packed up my baby books. I just couldn't have it in my house.

I'm sorry to have written a book again. This is just an awesome outlet for me. My husband tries to help & to listen to me, but it's not the same as talking to a woman that has gone through this. Everyone wants me to move on & try to get over this but it's not that easy...Thank you all SO much for the wonderful words! Let's all hope that healthy babies are in our future really soon! ~Ann

Sapphire Spirit · 04-14-2003, 02:32 AM

Oh Ann
I cried reading about you dismantling your babies room.....that is just WRONG to have to go through that heartbreak. I can relate to throwing away all that is to do with being pregnant....I did the same thing after #2. I didn't want to have to face the pain ever again. I wanted to grab every pregnant woman and make them see just how lucky they were and say "what great thing did you do to deserve a baby that I didn't do!!!". About 6 months after #2 I managed to face ttc again........I don't know how, but I did. It was very hard and very very scary.
We didn't tell anyone that we were pg with ds until I was 14 weeks........and even then I was very hesitant to. In a way miscarriage robs you of ever having the sheer delight in finding out you are pregnant ever again. Each +++ is accompanied by a deep fear and anxiety. Hope keeps us going though........and hope is one of the most beautiful things on this earth. I hope that your HOPE remains in tact through your grieving and you are able to hang in there through this.

Wishing you HOPE and plenty of STRENGTH

Amy xo

anivan · 04-14-2003, 02:54 AM

That is SO true!

I feel that I have been robbed of ever being able to be totally blissed out about being pregnant. I was never so stressed in my life as when I was pregnant. Even if I am fortunate enough to become pregnant again, I know I'm going to be a total wreck. Like we haven't been through enough, right? Like I haven't been made to learn that life isn't fair a hundred times, like when I see a 16 year old with a baby, or when another expensive cycle fails or yet another friend announces a pregnancy, right? I really feel that women who face fertility issues are some of the strongest people in the world. Maybe we've been chosen to fight & struggle for a reason....what that reason is, I'll never know! I'd love someone to tell me what that reason might be! ha!

Before I started bleeding, I was even stupid enough to tell my husband that God had made us wait 3 years for a baby & he wouldn't take them away from us...I will never be that naive again & that sucks. I just want to shake every pregnant woman I see & make them realize how lucky they are!

I'm going on the pill for a month to (hopefully) induce a period & then we are back on the infertility rollercoaster again. During this time, I am also trying to focus on weight loss & excercise. I am carring about 100 extra pounds & my RE is constantly hounding me to lose as much weight as possible. I know I need to do it, but it ain't easy! Thanks again for giving me such wonderful feedback. I know that you have been where I am now & have survived. I just need to know that I will live through this & that I might find something to smile about again. ~Ann

Louie · 04-14-2003, 12:09 PM

Ann, There's not much that I can add to what everyone else here has alreasy said so well. I too understand all those feeling and my heart goes out to you.

About coping after multiple m/c... I remember that after #1, my biggest fear was having a second m/c. I used to say that I would NEVER be able to handle it and would just die. And then it happened to me and I had to deal. It is sometimes amazing how we are given the very things we think we cannot handle and then somehow miraculously God gives us strength. But the positive thing is that repeated m/c are not too common.

I have sometimes blamed God and even myself for the loss. But it helps me now to separate God from it and try to think of it as one of the things God can't control. I like to see God as the one who grieves along with us in our sadness and it is as painful to him/her as it is for us.

About being around pr people - that is also one of my biggest fears. I'm sure that it must be so hard to have a best friend who is pr. I guess it will be hard to totally avoid her, so maybe you could arrange to see her with your DH present for extra support and keep visits short and infrequent as possible. If she's an understanding type, you might even tell her that it is difficult for you now and you need some time alone.

Ann, it's a really difficult and terrible process. Just know that we are here for you whenever you want to scream and cry and vent. I think your plan to take extra good care of your health is a great one. Every proactive thing you do will make you feel stronger and like you have control over things (at least a bit!) And I know what you mean about replacing the babies... but the babies must know how much you love them I am sure. They would want to see you happy. Even the pain of m/c doesn't take away our dreams of becoming moms and trying again is pursuing that dream which is a good thing. When the time is right for you, you'll feel it. (((hugs)))

Sarah in Louisiana · 04-17-2003, 04:49 AM

Ann..

I wish I could lie and say it gets easier after each loss. Or after time goes by. BUT that's just not the case.

The hurt is there...it's always going to be there, some days it's not so bad, and other days, it smacks you right in the face. Some days you may not even let it cross your mind. and other's..it may be all you think about.

I think every single one of us must have super-human strength to cope.

I think every single one of us should save these post. so someday when we all have teenagers, and they talk like we are against them, we can show them how much they truely mean.

Although to be honest, after the losses I've had, frankly I'm too chicken to try again. It's definitely going to be a while before I think I can.

I just don't know how I'm going to avoid my pregnant(with twins) sister until, I have my own. (she's 24-has a 7 almost 8 y/o, 4 ELECTIVE abortions because she kept forgetting to take her BCP's, along with a nice case of genital warts AND herpes) <---All of this makes me swear sometimes that GOD is trying to intentionally torture me slowly....I can't help but think, this can't be right!!! where's the justice, fairness

So, I guess the moral of my story is...don't feel guilty about anything you feel, because I guarantee, you aren't the only one that has similar feelings!

Kaymara · 04-17-2003, 06:31 AM

{{{Big hugs}}}

I am so very very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Your feelings are normal. And never let anyone tell you differently! I had people tell me to get over it, that I had to move on. And truthfully its been a year and I still cry. You and your body are the only ones who know know what and how to feel. It is such an emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could tell you that it all goes away, it doesnt hurt after time, but I cannot. I can however assure you that you are not alone!

1 thing that I found that helped me so very much was keeping a journal. I wrote in this journal any feelings I had. Even if they didn't make sense. It felt good to get it all out because a journal wouldn't judge me. And I didn't have to make sense in it.

Take care and big hugs!

Kay

squidge63 · 04-17-2003, 11:25 AM

I know this story has nothing to do with pcos.. but it happened to a friend of mine. when i first knew her she had been diagnosed with cancer of the cervix, so she had a cone resection and i think various other things done. She got pregnant with twins, but sadly she lost them, this happened on two occasions as the dr's put a stitch in to keep them in, everytime they did this she lost them. Her cancer cleared from there, but then she got cancer elsewhere and several times over the the course of our friendship we thought we were going to lose her, a couple of times the dr's said they werent going to carry on with the chemo, but they did. Her and her hubby decided they werent going to go for children and spend the time on their life, altho a little one was what they both wanted.. she did get pregnant again but the dr's told her she had to abort it due to the high amount of chemo in her body, and that the baby was affected,. however, 2 years ago she had a little boy and he is gorgeous...
never give up hope...

Squidge