I am at my wits end. I can't control the depression, can't take any anti-depression meds because I am TTC. It's not just the depression that gets me...It is the anxiety. Ugh, the two are a lethal mix for me.
I don't want to get out of bed. Ever. It's a constant struggle. Everyday is a constant struggle for me. Talking with people, pretending I am happy when there is a screaming match going on in my head, the stress of TTC is what triggered this all for me. Now I am in this downward spiral that just won't end. I want to hide from the world. I don't want to see anyone, especially babies. Especially mothers with their babies. Thanksgiving was absolute torture for me. I was smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside. I had a breakdown the next day while driving home from work.
And the pain...A little background: On top of PCOS, I have Endometriosis. I feel pain 24/7. A constant reminder of my fertility problems. Along with the pain comes unbearable bloating, fatigue, and naseau. I can't take it anymore. I don't feel like my life is worth living. There is nothing to look forward to. My job sucks, my apartment sucks, money problems suck, going to the doctor once a week sucks, my friends never have time for me....I never get to go on vacations because all my "vacation time" from my sucky job is used for doctor appts. and surgeries. I never take a day off for pleasure becuase I can't. Nothing to look forward to.
Everyday, my mind feels like there is a disaster going on inside. I am self-concious of myself...I can't talk to people without this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Not even my own parents. I feel like everyone judges me, everyone is talking about me behind my back. I feel like everyone is out to get me. I need to always be in control of every situation, or I feel very anxious and have panic attacks. I can hardly even be a passenger in a car because I always think there will be an accident if I'm not in control of the car. I also don't trust anybody with anything, especially money. I think everyone is going to screw me or my family over one way or another. My guard is always up, and I snap at people if I even suspect a betrayal. However, I am a doormat to others and let them walk all over me. I am too nice to others. I hate this.
I need help so badly. Especially for the anxiety and paranoia. This only happened to me since my hormones got out of whack, and now especially when TTC. I feel like the overwhleming sadness is from failure of conceiving, and the anxiey just runs in the family. My mom has it VERY bad, like me.
Someone please help....Maybe I should see a psychiatrist, but I really can't afford it. It will make me feel worse probably in that regard. DH just doesn't understand at all. He just tells me I am just like his mother, which makes me feel even worse! I am just sooooo down
__________________ Kristen (Me) - 25, DH - 36
Mommy to my miracle twins, Evan & Leah, born at 28 weeks, 4 days
Leah - Fed via G-tube currently
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
((((waiting.for.baby)))) I'm so sorry you are going through this terrible time. You mentioned that seeing a professional may not be affordable, but perhaps maybe a member of the clergy? A pastor can help by listening, and maybe they can give you a referral to a place where affordable mental health services are available? I've had experience with deep depression, too. It sucks but in time you will get better. I wish I could offer more help! Good luck.
Hi. I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel - I don't. Everyone is different and unique, so is everyone's depression or anxiety. However, I did have about 6 years of suicidal depression followed by a mixture of depression and anxiety. I am finally over it and I am perfectly motivated to move forward, leaving my depression in the past. I am not judging you or telling you what to do, I'm just telling you my honest opinion on your situation. Psychiatrists won't help you, have you ever heard of a depressed person going to a psychiatrist, taking anti-depressants and living a happy healthy life ever after? No. Anti-depressants don't work the way you think they do, if anything they will hurt you more than help you. You have to take it into your own hands, there's no miracle pill or miracle person out there that will do it for you. You're the one who has the ultimate power to pull yourself out of any depression, because its your brain that's making you depressed. I'm not saying it's easy to do it, it's not, but you have to do it, wether it's all at once, or one little step at a time. And if you do need a "miracle" pill (not really, but it helps out a lot), the closest thing I can recommend is 2 supplements: 5HTP and Phosphatidyl Serine. Take those two for a week and you will definitely notice a difference.
__________________ No signature!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
There is nothing wrong with wanting something so much that you are willing to go through anything for it. You deserve a lot of respect for what you are going through and I doubt that many people around you will understand that. Not everyone can understand what it is to want something so much.
And there's nothing wrong with sometimes taking a break from that journey or taking a step back from time to time to think about what's most important to you and what you can reasonably expect from yourself. Nothing stays as it is and what was right for you at one time may not be right for you right now. Or you may find it's more right and you can go on with a renewed sense of purpose.
I would never suggest anyone give up on anything they truly desire, but from my own experience I know that sometimes it's better to allow yourself to try something different if one thing becomes too difficult. That can be a hard decision to make but it can change your world and open up new possibilities. It's not failure, it's compromise. It's about respecting yourself and doing the best you can with what you have.
And when things are at their worst I find something in life that makes me smile and I hold on to it until the storm passes. I don't think I'd survive without my cats and my cameras... they give me love and satisfaction that I sometimes haven't find anywhere else in my life. That may sound a bit sad and selfish but it helps to get me through the tough times and that's important. My Mother had a dog and liked to re-arrange the furniture in the living room... my sister in law has horses and volunteers with a horse driving group. If it makes you feel a little better then it's the right thing to do.
Sorry I quoted your post but I don't know how to make it come up in the little shaded box.
You wrote the following that sounds like me:
"Everyday, my mind feels like there is a disaster going on inside. I am self-concious of myself...I can't talk to people without this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Not even my own parents. I feel like everyone judges me, everyone is talking about me behind my back. I feel like everyone is out to get me. I need to always be in control of every situation, or I feel very anxious and have panic attacks. I can hardly even be a passenger in a car because I always think there will be an accident if I'm not in control of the car. I also don't trust anybody with anything, especially money. I think everyone is going to screw me or my family over one way or another. My guard is always up, and I snap at people if I even suspect a betrayal. However, I am a doormat to others and let them walk all over me. I am too nice to others. I hate this."
Oh my.......If we don't sound like twins. I am the same exact way. Although I have one more situation to add. There is a girl at my husbands work who likes him and I get phone calls from a girl asking "who's Mike going to lunch with?" So of course I have to go and play detective......But I got caught.
I get hang ups at home and on my cell. I feel bad because I didn't trust hubby and thought he was cheating because of the way I look. My mind thinks in a suspicious way all the time and it litterally drives me crazy.
I hope you start to feel better soon. I can say I truely know how you feel.
Sending great big hugs to you
Feel free to pm me anytime you need to talk. Maybe we can help one another since we feel the same way.
My Life is Not Worth Living 
