I was visiting my Mom yesterday, and I was already super-sensitive about Renee's situation. My Mom cried with me, which was great. We had a wonderful visit.
Then she walked me out to my car, and the neighbor was outside by the fence. They started chatting, and he asked her how many grandkids she had (my nephew was over, so it opened that conversation). She said eight. I was floored - Rivi was her NINTH! I got pissed, and after the conversation was over and the neighbor had gone inside, I said, "You have NINE grandkids, not eight. Rivi's number nine." She said, "I'm sorry, honey. I FORGOT ABOUT HIM!" (emphasis mine).
How can she have forgotten for even a second? Everyone who knew him should remember him forever, you know? I'm just so hurt.
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Viv, I'm so sorry. That was very insensitive of her. That must have stung really bad. My moms really insensitive, too. Of course my moms really crazy (as in psych ward crazy) so she at least has an excuse. I don't know why, but people seem to discount pregnancy loss and the loss of newborn babies.
Last edited by LaurAnnHere; 05-23-2005 at 12:39 PM.
So sorry to hear this Viv. I think those who haven't personally experienced something like this just don't know what to say sometimes. I am sure you have coached your mom on what to say, but maybe she just didn't want to make her neighbor uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, from what I've seen, it's truly the parents of the lost babies who bear this burden for life while everyone else goes about their business. It's partly natural, because the extent to which we've bonded with someone determines our grief and how deeply their death (and life!) effects us. Even grandparents don't feel as close to these babies as we would like them to. It sure would be nice if they felt close enough to US to at least pretend a bit! My mom was kinda wondering why I still go to my support group; was it to support the others or was it for me still? Ugh. I'm sorry you have to put up with this, but it seems almost universal.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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It's just that I KNOW she loved him, and she was so supportive (up until Mother's Day, at least). I wonder if she thinks I should have moved on by now? That's what I'm thinking, anyway. As though I could ever move on after this!
I still feel that pain in my chest. You know that pain that's not sharp but pressure. I feel it now because I'm talking about it. It only takes a glimps of certain things. Sometimes it wells up unexpectedly. Even having Jamie has not taken that away. I wouldn't want it to. I would never want to forget my babies. That ache in my heart is where they live.
I just started re-reading the diary I kept after Rivi died (I wrote him a letter everyday). I stopped writing it when the Christmas rush got to be too much. On one hand, I'm amazed at how far I've come, but on the other hand, I'm still feeling the same feelings I felt in those letters to him. I don't EVER want to get rid of those feelings entirely. But it would be nice to be able to not experience them sometimes, you know?
As hard as it is to imagine, the ache won't be there all the time. The first time you realize that it was gone for awhile you'll feel guilty. At least I do. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes it seems that we should be obligated to hurt forever, lest it means our love for our children is less. That's not true, though. As long as you can find that place in your heart. I think if that place was gone then I would have no feelings at all. I remember praying for God to make it quit hurting. I prayed to be numb and I prayed to die. Time passes and now I don't want to be numb and I definately don't want to die. They say time heals all wounds, but it leaves scars.
Viv, I'll never forget Rivi either - he's the one who showed Gabriel around in Heaven!
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
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I agree with a scar being where a wound used to be... and there are also some wounds still open. That achey feeling is with me every time I think about Mary Catherine as well as share the pain of you all, my friends. To me, grief for a child is a lifetime project. People besides the mother and father have the luxury of "moving on", but I agree that we just keep on keepin' on.
I heard something on the Dr. Phil show from his sister-in-law who had a disfiguring accident. She decided at the moment that it occurred that she would do whatever it took to survive it, but she took a while to think about the question, "What KIND of survivor am I going to be?" I have to admit that so far, I haven't been a very good survivor of this terrible loss, but someday I would like to make a decision on that question. It's definitely something to think about.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Viv, the following is just my opinion on MY life, please don't take it as telling you what to do or feel...but I thought you might like to hear my perspective on it...
My mom has told me that while she considers Isaac to have been a real baby, that for her, discussion of that loss with others is just too hard, and while she mourns his loss she never did get to "grandparent" him. So when people who don't know her well ask, she says that Japhet is her first grandchild. It hurt me at first but as time has gone on I've become more likely to not tell strangers about Isaac myself. For me Isaac will always be my first child but I don't always want to talk about it. For my mom it's like he's in a seperate category...her grandchild but not one she was able to be a grandparent to. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand your hurt, but at least for me, I find that I can forgive the kind of mistake your mom made when those I love make those mistakes. In the end, your mom didn't carry Rivi for those long months, or feel him move in her, or have to make the horrible hard decisions that as parents we had to make. I think its part of what it means to be a parent, that you feel something for your child that no one else, no matter how much they love them will ever feel. And then for those of us that had losses before our babies had time to become a part of our daily lives.. Our babies were all lost so quickly that those who love us didn't always have enough time to come to love them too, all they had was a feeling of love waiting to happen. I know my mom was excited and waiting to love Isaac the moment she first saw him, but she never got that chance. I expect her to love me, and I expect her to know she would have loved Isaac just as much as she loves Japhet, but I guess I no longer expect her to love him now the way I still do and always will. Your mom shoudn't push you to be "over" him, she should know that you always will love him, and miss him, and grieve his loss, but I think sometimes we have to let those who love us off the hook of bearing the same burden that we bear since they never got to experience the joy that we did either.
By the way, speaking of forgetting, my mom once forgot I was married and told someone that none of her kids were married with feigned annoyance when my husband and I had been married for several months. She loves my husband and had danced like crazy at the wedding so it was just a weird brain fart, she was so used to saying that none of her kids were that she was just going on that way
Aviva
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To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. and missing Isaac Doran born too soon 2/2/04,
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. and holding Japhet Asher, my Chili Pepper, born happy and healthy 1/31/05,
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My mother said WHAT?!? 
