Juls14

Some of the poems have explicit language, just to let you know. The first poem called "Until I Fix Me" is about how I want to wait until my hirsutism is more managable before I date or go looking for a boyfriend. The second poem called "Sick Of Sick" is about the time in my life when I had so many health problems that were really out of control and I was in a really terrible state of mind. I'm still not out of it, but it's a lot better now than it was then, thank God. The last poem called "Fly" is about a recurring dream I've been having since I was little. It makes even more sense to me now. Flying is the freeing of all the things that are holding me back because of my health problems. I know one day I will, metaphorically, fly.

Until I Fix Me

I call it "the impossible"
I spent my whole life to this part
Now knowing what I'm capable
And now my sorrowful heart
It twists and turns and
Yearns for someone in my life
Will I ever be a wife?
I just can't see it
It's just too far away
And I can't even fully imagine
What would I be like anyway?
Because they say if you don't love you
You can't love someone else
And although I'm almost there
It's the distance I felt
I still feel the distance in the air
And I know I can't be fair
Until I clear this area of what I which I won't speak of
Because it'll hurt the love
And I don't wanna mess with that
I tell you to just look above
But I still can't deal with that
Because I need to be myself
Confident and sure
Knowing that I'm pure of the fault
That I desperately want to disappear
I call it "the impossible"
Because I can't fix you until I fix me


Sick Of Sick

I am so ****ing sick of being sick
If it would die from a shot
I woudlt ake a gun and ****ing click
I will not stand to never be hot
I have a life to live
And I want days to go by
Where I feel I can give
And I can pass on by
I am so preoccupied by insecurity
That I can't go one day
Without envy

I've wasted too much time of my life
Living in this head of shame
My body needs a knife
To cut up these destructive games
Just stay still and work well
I am so exhausted and drained
This internal hell
Has caused me so much pain
Throughout the years
I've been unknowingly unhealthy
And I have been dragged through this ****
Without even knowing it

Can I be like the rest?
I don't want to do all this
It's just too much for one girl
Why is this mess in my world?
I guess i deserve bad with the good
Is that the way things should?

Oh, I'm sick of being sick
Please stop this
I beg of you
I'll do anything
I can't stand to be in my skin
Please help me within

I want normalcy
I wanna live healthy
I wanna live carelessly
Like the others

It's always something
I'm sick of sick!


Fly

When I was in 1st grade
They asked me what my wish was
And I said to fly
They laughed and didn't know why

I had a few dreams when I was little
And now they have returned to me
I dream that I could leave
I could escape and I could believe

I could fly to the highest mountain
I could see the world below
I could bounce off the clouds
I would feel so proud

A scary thrill it was
A freeing state of mind and body
To let go of all that was holding me back
To rid of all the things I lack

This day will come
When I am finally free
I will be inside the blue sky
I will finally, truly fly