My story

PaintedDaisy · 10-01-2006, 08:02 PM

I lost my angel baby this past Thursday, at 6 weeks. I am so very, very sad. I severely underestimated my reaction. Somehow I thought that since it was so early and I only knew I was pg for 2 weeks, that it wouldn't be as bad as it is. I'm very surprised at my feelings, though. I never expected them to be this intense. I have come to realize though, that in 2 short weeks I created the strongest bond I could. My baby, although a mere 6 weeks old, was my baby.

But now I feel so stupid -- how could I have been so cavalier and arrogant?

My first pregnancy went well but I was scared of m/c the entire time I couldn't relax. I didn't tell anyone until 15 weeks. I didn't buy any clothes until the last minute. We didn't even start looking at names until 30 weeks. We were paranoid and wanted to spare ourselves grief (which I know now is impossible) should the unthinkable happen. But Erin was born perfect after a textbook pregnancy and is doing fabulous.

So when I got my BFP 2 weeks ago, I told myself I needed to relax. All my worries and fears during my first pg were all for nothing. . so why worry this time? Unlike with her, I bonded with this baby from the moment I got the BFP. I was so happy and excited. . I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! I told several people, we started discussing names, where to put the new baby, how to get Erin into a toddler bed so we can have the crib, whether I would quit my job and be a SAHM, yadda yadda yada. You get the picture. This time was completely different. I was not scared, nor fearful. I just assumed everything would be A-OK like it was the first time.

Then Thursday I started bleeding at work. I called my doctor and he sent me to get an ultrasound. My uterus was empty. No sac, nothing. By that point, I was passing clots and the bleeding had gotten pretty heavy. Somehow I was in denial and clung onto hope that maybe, just maybe, my lit tle one would survive. Maybe it was just too early to see anything, maybe things would be okay.

Then the next morning (Friday) I talked to my doctor again and he wanted me to get a beta done that day and again on Sunday (today). Still clinging to hope, I asked if it was possible to still be pregnant. He gently, but matter of factly,told me that I had a miscarriage. The betas were to see if my levels were dropping.

Somehow, I was still in denial. But it's been 4 days of heavy bleeding and cramping. . .and now I'm finally getting it that there's no baby. I'm not having a baby at the end of May. I don't have to worry about childcare or quitting my job. I don't have to worry about converting our office into a 3rd bedroom. I don't have to worry about maternity clothes, morning sickness, or any of that. No, I don't have to worry about any of those things, but the truth is I want to have to worry about them.

No, Erin's not going to be a big sister right now. We still want to try again, but not right now. Part of me wants to get pg right away so I can try to forget this miscarriage ever happened. But deep in my heart, I know there's no replacing this little one. It will be another pregnancy, another child. In the future that's fine, but right now I'm missing the one I lost.

Thank you for listening.

LaurAnnHere · 10-01-2006, 08:33 PM

My heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))

nicole47 · 10-01-2006, 08:37 PM

That sounds a lot like my miscarriage. Early, but I had lost a child and a possible future.

Your feelings are real. You have experienced a real tragedy. You've lost a real baby, no matter how early. I truly believe that the only thing that helps heal the pain is to allow yourself time to grieve. It is difficult. Cry or hide or scream or whatever you need to do to help you through this process. I didn't leave my bed for a week.

Don't be surprised if you stop bleeding and then start again and it hurts (emotionally) just as bad or worse than before. But eventually the pain will subside and be replaced with a fond memory. You're right, even if you get pregnant again, you will not forget this one.

*hug* Nobody should ever have to join this club. I am so sorry for your loss.

HopefulCyster · 10-01-2006, 08:54 PM

I am so sorry for your loss, your in my prayers. ***HUGS***

elizabethn · 10-01-2006, 08:57 PM

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. My last two pregnancies have ended, at 6 and 16 weeks after I had already made them public, and this one I do not plan to accept it until the baby is born. We won't be telling anyone until they start asking, either. Too much heartbreak in the last year. I wish no one had to go through this, and my heart breaks for you. But have faith that you *will* have another baby soon.

~Tasha~ · 10-01-2006, 11:48 PM

I have had 2 early losses as well as a later loss. My early loss was still so painful and heartbreaking. Every baby is so very precious.

heidi 1973 · 10-02-2006, 02:51 AM

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I truly understand how you feel. We just lost our last baby at 8 weeks, just a few weeks ago.

I too have been wanting to try again and then the next day, I am thinking...NO WAY, not yet...

Take your time to grieve your tremendous loss and you will know when it is time to try again.

My heart goes out to you.

Hugs!!

Gnzls924 · 10-02-2006, 05:40 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you during this time.

kshahina · 10-02-2006, 08:24 AM

Sorry for your loss. Hope you feel better soon. Easier said than done though.

PaintedDaisy · 10-03-2006, 07:22 PM

Gosh, I'm just in tears at the wonderful support you've give me! I haven't really been able to discuss this with a lot of people and those that I have, don't really understand.

I feel so disconnected from my husband. He said he was sad for a couple of days but isn't anymore. Why am I still sad? He just doesn't get it and I can't explain it to him. He just says we will try for another and all will be fine. Sometimes I want to talk about our angelbaby open and honestly but he doesn't want anything to do with it. I asked him last night if he thought it would have been a boy or a girl and he just looked at me funny and said that wasn't a question he felt comfortable answering. I asked him what he meant by that but he didn't answer.

I don't know. I feel like he doesn't care or didn't love the baby. But I do and it's painful to think about. . and then even more painful to realize that maybe my husband didn't even love our baby.

Am I making any sense?

lovepotato · 10-03-2006, 09:11 PM

I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.

Otilia98 · 10-03-2006, 09:16 PM

I am so sorry for you loss and I know it is difficult dealing with dh's reactions. Hopefully you can find support elsewhere and in time your dh will be able to express his emotions more effectively.

HopefulCyster · 10-03-2006, 09:19 PM

Daisy, what your feeling is normal. It takes us a lot longer to overcome the loss, because WE were connected to the baby. No matter how early/far along, that was YOUR baby, and you formed a connection with him/her. Our husbands don't really form connections until they see the ultrasound, or hear the heart beat... some don't form anything until the hold the baby for the first time.

My husband doesn't seem to remember much about our baby, he only really shows emotion if he comes home and I am sitting here crying, or if I bring it up. He has told me that though he misses what was going to be, it just wasn't all that real to him yet, and so he didn't have as strong of a bond.

Its normal that he isn't grieving like you, and its NORMAL for you to still be sad. You need to take all the time you need to grieve and remember your baby. No matter what anyone says, that was your baby and he/she is worth remembering! It will get better sweetie, but it takes time.

Your in my thoughts and prayers. ***HUGS***

Ammaarah · 10-03-2006, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sourdaisy

Gosh, I'm just in tears at the wonderful support you've give me! I haven't really been able to discuss this with a lot of people and those that I have, don't really understand.

I feel so disconnected from my husband. He said he was sad for a couple of days but isn't anymore. Why am I still sad? He just doesn't get it and I can't explain it to him. He just says we will try for another and all will be fine. Sometimes I want to talk about our angelbaby open and honestly but he doesn't want anything to do with it. I asked him last night if he thought it would have been a boy or a girl and he just looked at me funny and said that wasn't a question he felt comfortable answering. I asked him what he meant by that but he didn't answer.

I don't know. I feel like he doesn't care or didn't love the baby. But I do and it's painful to think about. . and then even more painful to realize that maybe my husband didn't even love our baby.

Am I making any sense?

Leila, I think for our men, the babies are such an abstraction before they are born.

I am so sorry for your loss.

~Tasha~ · 10-03-2006, 10:41 PM

I am so sorry.

Men are so different. They don't have the baby growing inside so its hard for them to understand. He probably does care just differently.
I feel my husband is the same he doesn't show any emotion compared to me. He just can't talk about it.

I hope you and your husband can share together more as well as me with mine.

I hope my post makes sense. Life is so hard with such a loss.