My story, very long, but I had to get it out

*Clarissa* · 06-24-2004, 06:29 PM

This is my story. It is very long, but I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep things bottled up inside before I have a nervous breakdown.

I feel so lost and distraught. Instead of trying to figure out how I am going to make it through this day to the next, I am trying to figure out how I am supposed to make it through the next five minutes.
Never in my life did I think that I would lose 2 babies, and within 2 months of each other. I have struggled so much over the years trying to get pregnant. Our plan was for 2 children 2 years apart.
In early 2000 after trying to conceive for aver a year I was diagnosed with PCOS. I immediately started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In late 2001 I was blessed to find out that I was pregnant, then I spotted in only my second month. Thankfully through ultrasound we found out that everything was okay. Then in my 34th week I went into early labor. We were so terrified. I was given steroids to help mature the baby’s lungs and blood vessels of the brain and told that it was too early. I was also put on Magnesium to stop the labor. I was in labor for a week, when they finally realized that they could do nothing more to stop it. I gave birth on July 9th at 12am. We named the baby Noah Manuel. Manuel was my husband’s father’s name. He had died only 2 months earlier after a long struggle with Colon cancer. Noah was such a beautiful baby. He only weighed 5lbs 3oz. He had trouble breathing after birth and had to be rushed to the nursery. I had a third degree tear, not in my episiotomy area. I ripped on my right side up into my birth canal. I required 200 stitches, which took the doctor 2 hours to put in. I was put in another room a little after 2am. I was frantic to see Noah, but because of the tear I was in too much pain to go to the nursery to see him. I had my husband running back and forth with the camcorder so that I could see him. Finally at 4am after throwing a huge fit my beautiful little newborn boy was brought to me, all wrapped up snug in his little blanket. I’ll never forget that moment. We got the clear to take him home 2 days later. We thought that he’d have to stay because he had lost down to 4lbs 13oz, but he was released even before I was. He struggled a lot his first few months because of the prematurity. His stomache and esophagus both were not developed all the way and he was born with Jaundice because his liver was not functioning properly. He actually quit breathing 2 times and we had to have the EMS come out to the house.
Now we have a beautiful little boy that will be turning 2 in less than 2 weeks. Our plans on having 2 children two years apart were ruined by this devil that they call PCOS. Sure we’ve been trying, just unsuccessfully. I went in January 2004 for my regular gyn visit, and expressed to her that I was trying again without any success. She gave me a prescription for Clomid. In March we found out that we were pregnant again, and only with our first cycle of Clomid. We were so excited, and already had names picked out. For a boy we like Eli or Alexander. For a girl we liked Emma or Alexandra. We went for our first ultrasound on April 6th. We were so excited about seeing our little peanut and it’s beautiful heart thumping, but that is not at all what we got. I could tell by the way my ob-gyn was acting and from previous ultrasounds with Noah that something was wrong. I was supposed to be 9 weeks along. The little thing in the sac didn’t even resemble a baby, and it only measured at 6wks 4days. There was no heartbeat. We were devastated. A D&C was scheduled for the 9th. There were no signs that anything had gone wrong. I still felt pregnant, I was starting to show, I was still sick, I wasn’t bleeding or cramping, to that point my numbers had more than doubled like they were suppose to. How could this be happening? We were both so lost those next few days, not knowing what was going on, what had went wrong, what was happening. Everything happened so fast; we couldn’t even catch our breath. Before the surgery I demanded another ultrasound just to be sure. My poor little baby had already decomposed by then. All that was left was an empty sac. I had an anxiety attack as I was being wheeled into the operating room, then all went black. I don’t know how long the surgery took, but I woke up in the recovery room. If it was a true “recovery” room, then I still belong there. As soon as I woke up, I again had another anxiety attack.
I never think that I will get over losing that pregnancy. We have since tried our best to move on; after all we still have one beautiful little boy. We named the baby that we lost Alex. We have planted a weeping Willow in honor of Alex. By the way the scientific name of a weeping willow is Salix Babylonica. Odd how it has both Alix, spelled differently and baby in it. I should be five months pregnant with Alex now. I was due on November 9th.
My ob-gyn had to put me on Xanex for my anxiety. She also said that we had to wait 3 cycles before trying again. Not wanting to wait, because some way I needed to fill the void that losing Alex left, I went back to my Reproductive Endocrinologist. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear. That I could try again with my next cycle. He raised my Clomid dosage from 50mg to 100mg, saying that a weak egg had caused my miscarriage. In May I started another cycle.
By June 15th I had already had two negative pregnancy tests, that morning that beautiful second line appeared. I immediately called the doctors office for blood work. At 2pm I found out the best news, I was pregnant again. The next week was so wonderful. I was reading my baby books, thinking about the future, and no longer dwelling on my lose, although I thought about and still think about Alex every day. I had my first ultrasound scheduled for the next Friday. Then the day after Father’s Day, the Monday after the great news, I woke up bleeding. It was just light pink, so I wasn’t too scared, oh who am I kidding I was terrified, I knew in my heart what was happening. I called the doctor and went back in for blood work. At 2 pm I called and got really horrible news, my numbers had not went up the way they were supposed to, I was losing another baby. The next day I was still not bleeding heavily, mostly just brown, and then the next morning it turned bright red. I went in that day for an ultra sound and more blood work. The ultra sound showed nothing, and the blood work showed that my numbers were already going down. That was yesterday. We have named that baby Sydney. Sydney was due on February 20th.
Now here I am today wondering how I can move on from here. I’m in a daze. I am not aware of most of what is going on around me. I’m beginning to question my ability to even watch Noah. I feel like my mind is spinning in my head trying to keep up with what is going on. Every time I go to the bathroom and see the blood I break down and cry. I don’t know what to do to bring myself out of this depression. I have so many wonderful things in my life; a husband that any women would be lucky to have, and a beautiful little boy that any mom could be proud of. I can’t even see through my tears right now as I type this. I have lost 2 babies in 2 months. How do you move on from that?
Even after going through all this pain I still want another baby, a live one this time. But I am so afraid of what could happen, that I can’t even imagine trying again. What am I to do? Where do I go from here? What’s my next step? My doctor says I can try again as soon as I start another cycle. I can’t try again that soon, how could I mourn 3 children in 4 months, when I can’t even handle mourning 2 in 2 months? No parent should ever have to feel this pain. No parent should ever go through this. I shouldn’t have to go through this. Brian shouldn’t have to go through this. And how do we support each other when we are both feeling so much pain? How do we stop crying? Do we ever?

If you have read this far, thank you for reading my story. Still after writing it and getting it out, I don't feel any better. I don't feel any relief of having it off my chest.

BookWorms · 06-24-2004, 06:42 PM

((((HUGS))))

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but my heart aches for you.

Just know that this too shall pass.

Zena

kwannabee · 06-24-2004, 06:57 PM

Ohhh, my God. I just wish that i could take your pain away...but you know, and i know...that the best thing for you right now is to allow yourself time.

Time is the only thing right now for you...time to heal not only from Sydney, but from Alex too...and if 5 minutes is all you can get through at any one time...thats okay. The next 5 minutes will get easier...and then the next...

and that little Noah...he will be your salvation. he'll draw you back into the land of the living again...because your're his mommie and he needs you. how do i know this...cuz i've been there clarissa...i've been there...

my heart is breaking for you...and i admire you for trying again so soon...i couldnt do that as much as i wanted to...i wasnt strong enough. One day at a time okay? Pm me anytime...
[[[hugs]]]

Oana · 06-24-2004, 06:58 PM

Clarissa, I am very sorry this journey has been so difficult. I hope you will be able to find peace in your heart, to enjoy the family you have, and to keep the faith in the family you desire.
I am very hopeful that you will become pregnant again, and that you will have another happy, healthy baby one day.

(((((hugs)))))) and strength to you!
Oana

lots_of_dots · 06-24-2004, 10:45 PM

((((big hugs Clarissa))))

What you are feeling right now is totally normal. It's a hard thing to go through and you need time to heal. You need to grieve both Alex and Sydney. I know it seems hopeless right now but you will get through this one moment at a time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me.

((((more big hugs))))

cici · 06-24-2004, 11:21 PM

Hi pa1nter you gave me alot of encouragement when I posted my concerns on the Feb Due Daters. I just wanted to say how truly sorry I am to hear about the pain your going through. This is my 1st pregnancy and I spotted a little bit on Tues and now today I started spotting again so I'm not feeling very optimistic about this but I just wanted to let you know your in my prayers and I wish the very best for you and your family.(((((hugs)))))

*Ellie* · 06-25-2004, 12:10 AM

Clarissa, I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this again. I know how much you wanted it and how difficult it is right now. You are in my prayers, every night when I pray for me and our babies, I pray for you and your babies, too. Keep taking it one moment at a time and feel free to email me if you ever just want to talk. You can reach me at flutterpiebug@yahoo.com.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Jcbelle · 06-25-2004, 10:24 AM

Words cannot ease your pain, but please know that your story has touched my heart. You and your family are in my prayers...

Louie · 06-25-2004, 11:47 AM

recurrent miscarriage is extremely unfair and devestating. I've gone through the same thing and every time I think "how will I be able to handle another loss?" But amazingly, you just do... somehow, we are very strong people and can handle just about anything. Eventually, you will hopefully have a healthy pr that will make all of this heartache fade a little. But it will always be a part of you. I have had times when I just screamed and cried uncontrollably, blamed myself, or felt like God was punishing me, or just felt so frustrated, or just missed my little babies so much. But I've gotten strength from others who have endured far worse than me and remind me to be thankful for what I do have. My sister's little 8 year old boy died after a horrible illness and if she can make it through that, I can make it through this. You can make it too. Just let all the anger and sadness out when you feel like it, and then let yourself be positive again. It's OK to plan for the next pr or adoption or whatever route you choose for a second child and the planning can ease some of the pain you now feel. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. ((hugs))

emilymegan · 06-25-2004, 11:59 AM

Clarissa, I'm so very sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you and your family and you are in my prayers.

I was crying, just reading your post. You are right, nobody should have to go through that.

Tracy

AndreaC · 06-25-2004, 01:20 PM

I, too, am so very sorry about your losses.

I understand how you feel because I felt the same a couple of months ago, although I have 'only' had one loss.

There was supposed to be 2 and a half years between my two childern......just as I'd hoped there would be. I managed to conceive naturally in April this year but miscarried. It was a double blow because I NEVER thought I would get pregnant naturally after needing clomid last time around. It was such a beautiful present and I was ecstatic but it was not to be.

It hurts so much and as the months pass by and I am not pregnant I find it very difficult. I want another baby so much and I didn't think this would be too much to ask. It took me years to conceive my son and i spent the whole 9 months on pins worrying that something was going to happen to him. I saiid to myself that this pregnancy was going to be different because I was going to enjoy it so much because it would be OK. Well it wasn't and it isn't.

So here I am still trying and wondering what happened to my little one and wondering if it was a boy or girl and thinking that my little boy should be having a brother or sister but isn't. We would have been going for our first scan around now.

I don't know what to say to you because it hurts so much but I, too, walked around in a daze and wondered how I would ge through the days and cope with my son. I felt guilty on him for being wrapped up in his sibling that wasn't even here annd I felt guilty because I have seen others on here go through much worse and I still have him and some have none.

You just have to take the time to feel how you feel and not beat yourself up. It will be your son that helps you through this because you can't stay sad for too long when you have a toddler around

t does take time but I can say that I am feeling OK, just desperate to be pregnant again.........and also very very scared........

(((((HUGS))))))) and sorry for rambling on.......

Andrea.