My turn to join....

so-tired · 07-12-2004, 10:31 PM

I wish I could say I was suprised. But I am not.

I am amazed how mellow I feel now. My DH says I am in shock. I am not even hurting that much.

Last night I woke up with intense cramping pain. I had brown blood so I wasn't too worried at first. I have been spotting off and on the whole time. Then Red blood. I went to the emergency room and they did an U/S. There was no heartbeat. I was already 1 cm dialated. They gave me some pain meds, told me to call my obgyn, and patted me on the butt (not literally). I am about as sore as "normal" period cramps.

I feel more indifferent than I think I should.

Has anyone else felt this way? Am I a horrible person for not flipping out and grieving??

I am glad to get all of this off my chest.

Thanks for listening to me.

aimye · 07-12-2004, 11:24 PM

I have no words to share with you. I have never been pg, so I have never felt this kind of loss. I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. I am mostly a lurker on the boards (other than my buddy group), but I have been following your story. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Aimye

dberg · 07-12-2004, 11:58 PM

So-tired,

I'm sorry this happened to you. My mother miscarried 3 times and said she was never particularly upset by any of them.

I suppose different people react in different ways to this news.

Thinking of you.

so-tired · 07-13-2004, 12:06 AM

Thanks so much for the kind words.

When I was pregnant before I made it to 5 months and went for the routine ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I had to give birth. It was horrible and traumatizing. I never thought I would get P/g again.

Perhaps I am grateful this one ended in the privacy of my home. I did not know this baby yet. I had yet to feel it move. It was still mine and I loved her/him... but i believe in fate and "meant to be's".

The U/S came back abnormal. The heartbeat was slow. I think I knew in my heart this baby would not make it. Maybe I had already come to terms with it.

Okay... sorry again for going on. It is nice to talk to women who understand and care.

tweety612 · 07-13-2004, 12:09 AM

I'm very sorry for your loss.

kwannabee · 07-13-2004, 11:11 AM

I just wanted to say how sorry i am for what youre going through...

take care...

Christa01 · 07-13-2004, 11:16 AM

So-tired--I'm so sorry about all of this, I remember your story for the due date thread that I was on with you...I think you can feel different things at different times....I am still carrying my dead baby, I havent m/c yet so i had to get two more shots to induce m/c...I wish mine would have went on it's own....I also feel for you in dealing with the ER....most of those who work in the hospital see this kind of stuff so much that they no longer care...I also have days when I'm not upset about anything but then there are days where I could cry all day...whatever you are feeling it is correct for you personally and it in no way means that you didn't love this baby

In my case I think I was very uptight and apprensive from the start and I think God was letting me know that something was wrong, He was preparing me for the news....I don't know how to explain it, this pg just felt different because we wern't excited as much as we were worried....if you ever want to talk more I'm here for you

Christa

so-tired · 07-13-2004, 12:31 PM

Christa-

Thank you so very much. I do understand how you feel. I think we even had the same due date. I also was very hesitant with this baby. The pregnancy wasn't planned... heck.. I didn't even think I would get pregnant without meds. We are very lucky tho. We have some cute kids who we can hug and kiss until they push us away! That does give me some solace to have a little guy here. I can devote all the mommy hormones on him.

Do you know when you are going to take the meds? Will you be able to go home or will you need to be in the hospital? Either way I truly feel for you. I am so sorry you have to go thru all of this.

Luckily we hadn't told many people in my family so last night when DH made the dreaded phone calls he only had to make a couple and tell everyone. You know what my next door neighbor said to me last night? "how's the pregnant woman? Still pregnant?" She was trying to be nice and wow did that hurt. I started sobbing. I really think it was good to let it out.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate the support.

stormspirit · 07-13-2004, 03:11 PM

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. I've been in your shoes. I too wondered if there was something wrong with me because it wasn't as terrible as I thought it should have been. I felt guilty for not feeling more sad. I cried very little. I agree though, I truely felt from the very beginning that there was something wrong. I think that was God's way of preparing me for the inevitable. About 4 months after the m/c I was suddenly bombarded with emotion and I think I finally grieved.

I like the way you worded that you believe in "meant to be's". I got some comfort knowing that what happened was meant to be, but at the time I had no idea what that meant for me. Had I carried my baby to term we wouldn't have gotten Jessica. She was born on 4/17 and I would have been due on 5/7. There would have been no way we would have be able to get her. I know that for me she is my "meant to be".

Leigh Ann

BeetleGirl · 07-13-2004, 03:19 PM

so-tired,
I was with you on the February due daters. I was one of the first women to have a miscarriage on the post. I am so sorry about your loss and what you are going through. I went through a stage where I was numb and then it sank in. I think deep down I knew something wasn't right so it made it much easier to deal with. I did go through all the grieving steps and for some reason I have had a hard time with moving on from anger. If you need someone to talk to Feel free to email me

Mcbaker510 · 07-13-2004, 03:59 PM

So-Tired....

I felt the exact same way... When i started bleeding at 6 weeks... numb, kinda sad, but also alittle relieved.. I felt it was off from the begining... HUGSSSSS...

I knew things happened for a reason.. and trusted that...

Take care of you...

Kasey

casey1 · 07-13-2004, 06:41 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to share the information that I also felt different during my m/c at nine weeks as compared to my second trimester loss and labor. I am most certainly not minimizing a first trimester loss but I was completely flattened when I lost my son. I was quite saddened by my m/c and I still have bad times about it. I think when we have had a late loss as we have pregnancy is never the same. I also have to warn you that as time went on the m/c brought out a lot of the feelings of my first loss. I found myself thinking so much about Casey and the circumstances surrounding his death. I don't know what the mechanism is but I just tried to go with it. I made sure I had a couple of close supports who let me talk through it and it seems to have helped. Please know that my thoughts are with you. Hugs

tndrmrcies · 07-13-2004, 07:16 PM

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. There are several of us here now that would have had Feb. due dates, so there is a lot of support here if you need it. Everyone does react and deal differently, but shock can be part of the grieving process. Just take care of yourself. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

(((((((hugs)))))))))

Karla

cici · 07-14-2004, 02:43 AM

So tired I was also on the Feb DD's I just wanted to say that I am also very sorry to hear of your loss. Everyone deals with grief in different ways just know that you are not alone. As of yesterday my levels have reached zero. I hope to see all of us here back on the pregnancy board soon. GL to everyone.

BeetleGirl · 07-14-2004, 02:47 AM

Cici,
Glad to hear your numbers are back at zero. Hopefully you will be back on the pregnancy board before you know it.