need advice

glennagiraffe · 12-19-2008, 12:15 PM

I was just wondering if any of you had been through this and could give me words of wisdom.
I am facing the probable loss of my ovary. I have already lost the other.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 5 years and were planning on getting married next year.
However last night, when I was talking about options he said he was absolutely against adoption of any kind. As I see this as possibly my only chance to be a mother, I'm not sure I can continue in a life with this person who doesn't want any child that isn't his own.

Has anyone been through this? Have any helpful words? Any spouses not willing to help?
I've spent about 15hours crying now and I just don't know where to go.

I'm also sorry if this was not the correct forum to post in. I wasn't sure.

babygirl18905 · 12-19-2008, 04:37 PM

My suggestion is THINK LONG and HARD before you get married. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life without children? Do you think he will eventually warm up to the idea of adoption and if not you have to be prepared. I understand what you are going through I lost an ovary when I was 18, and have probably one of the worst cases of pcos. My DH was against adoption from the beginning I told him I wanted kids and if he did not like it well we could go our own ways (we were NOT married at this point) so he changed his attitude about adoption LOVES our little boy, but says he does not want anymore children

I'm not sure I'm willing to accept DS growing up alone, when I think about it DH and I are on too different stages of life. He's older than me by quit a few years and I'm only 29 and feel maybe we met for a reason but will not spend our lives together. Please just think about what you feel is more important to you, just like my brother said to me about this yesterday this is a MAJOR decision not just something that will be a small arguement and it's over. My brother told me either I want to stay with my husband and NOT have any more kids or DH and I have to seriously consider going our own ways

It's a hard choice I love DH but I just can't see myself saying I'm done adopting.

glennagiraffe · 12-19-2008, 05:12 PM

thanks for the insight. It's funny my mom said basically the same thing. She asked me if the love that we have together would be enough to sustain me for the rest of my life and would I be willing to sacrifice what I want just for that love.
I can't honestly say yes to either of those things. So i think it is soul searching time. I know it's crazy to think about ending a relationship based on something that "might" happen, but I want a family and if hes only willing to go so far for one, I don't know if our paths are headed into the same woods.

calches · 12-19-2008, 11:16 PM

O.k. let me put my 2 cents in here as well. Before dh and I got married, on our 1st date I told him that I would probably never be able to concieve and that adoption was a possibility. FF to when we got married. Dh didn't want to start ttc until about a year after we were married. Which was fine for me. Well, we officially started (I guess) ttc a year and half after we were married. When to the gyn had the talk the whole 9 yards. Started on just progesterone for periods instead of the bc to regulate them. Nothing ever happened with the progesterone ( there was about a 7 mos lapse in seeng the gyn again...very stressful time). Anyhow, we then went to see the fertility specialist and dh saw everything I was going to have to go through before we could even start doing procedures and he said he didn't want me to have to go through that. (He always thought that we were going to have no problem getting preggers...wrong...) Anyhow, after that it was crunch time for me. Dh wanted to wait as long as possible. He was on board for adoption but it took a long time to get comfy with that idea. Now that we have adopted, dh is in love with ds and couldn't imagine him not being here.

I am going to say this, have another discussion with your df. Talk to him. Lay it all out on the line and tell him either adoption is a REAL possibility or you have to go with your heart and leave him.

Also, pray about it. This could just be one of the things that is the deal breaker.

glennagiraffe · 12-20-2008, 11:56 AM

thanks for sharing your story calches

I plan on taking a week or two for thought and prayer and giving him some space to think about it too and then bringing it up again.
I'm hoping the right words will come through prayer and meditation. I love this man, but I'm not sure that love wouldn't turn bitter if he wasn't willing to work to have a family with me.

kimmy-ki · 12-21-2008, 11:01 PM

Here's my two cents worth! I was married to a man whose mother was vehemently opposed to the idea of adoption and he wasn't enthusiastic about it either. We went through a number of fertility treatments and the idea that adoption with him was not a real option generated tremendous stress because I felt I had to conceive or else we would not have any children. Obviously, being stressed when you are doing fertility treatments is not ideal and needless to say, I didn't get pregnant.

Infertility became so stressful that it finally tore us apart. During this period, a man who had been a close friend of mine for 10 years suddenly reappeared in my life. Everything clicked and a year later I was divorced from my first husband and after another year, I married DH (I was 37 years old by that time). He is is such a wonderful man who is totally in favor of adoption, which is very unusual considering that he is Mexican and there is a lot of cultural resistance to the concept of adoption here. Anyway, we managed to get pregnant but I miscarried, so after a few more years of trying, we have moved on to the adoption option. This journey has been very positive for us as a couple. Absolutely and positively the pain of infertility and the excitement of adopting has cemented our relationship because we both want so much to have a family together. I feel very blessed because I followed my heart and it lead me to a man who shares my vision of life.

Please think long and hard before marrying a man who does not share your vision with respect to adoption. Having a family (or deciding not to) is such a fundamental part of any serious relationship. I know couples who are perfectly happy without children, but the key is that they are both on that same wavelength, so it works. The key is being true to yourself... if you listen to your heart carefully, I think you will find the answer.

~*~TammyLynn~*~ · 12-21-2008, 11:12 PM

No children is a deal breaker for me and I had to think long and hard on whether to pursue my relationship with my now dh. He had a vasectomy with his first wife. He told me on our second date BUT also told me that if/when the right woman came along, if that person wanted children he'd do whatever needed to be done to have a baby with her. Be it adoption, reversal or donor. Anyhow I fell head over heels in love and decided that since he said he'd do anything for the woman he loved and they he wouldn't mind more kids, Id pursue it. We're married and can't wait to have our own now but it will be a couple years til we try. I'm trying to finish school and get my BSN. I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

Betty Jo · 12-26-2008, 03:35 AM

Adoption does not have to be your only option to motherhood. My husband whom I love with all my being want's a child of his own, for me I am open to adoption and do not believe that a child produced with my eggs is in the future. The answer we have found is donor egg and his sperm equals his child whom you give birth too. There are options out there if you look for them. Hope that you find an answer that your comfortable with.

If you would like more information about donor eggs let me know.

Betty Jo

kirvygerl · 01-02-2009, 11:00 PM

Do you still have a uterus? Why are they considering taking your other ovary? Have you sought out a 2nd or 3rd opinion? Have you asked someone if they can give you meds to hyperstim your ovary so that you can freeze your eggs for future use? Then, as long as you have a uterus, you could undergo IVF with your frozen eggs and DH's sperm and see if you get pg that way. If you don't have a uterus, you could persue using a surrogate if that's something that interests you. If you can't use your own eggs, what about undergoing IVF with donor eggs and his sperm? That way, the baby is biologically "his" and the end result is the baby you both want and desire. I know of a few women who have had, for different reasons, ovary removal and weren't opposed to using donor eggs and their DH's sperm in situations where the Partner/DH wasn't comfortable with adoption.

I guess my point is that there's different ways to look at this. Obviously, we don't know all of the ins and outs of your and DF's situation, but if you feel that he's a perfect match for you otherwise, it's probably best to look alternative methods of acheiving your joint goal- to have a baby.

glennagiraffe · 01-03-2009, 12:47 AM

thanks so much to everyone for all their replies and suggestions. I do have friends willing to donate eggs. I even have one begging me to take her ovaries

I definitly don't have issues with either donor eggs or a surrogate. I guess I am just feeling hesistation that I don't want to have to convince someone to want to be a parent with me.
Another issue we have is that he already has a biological child of his own from a previous marriage. so i think he doesn't feel the "need" the same way that i do.
My plan right now is to have another talk with him about it now that holiday stress is passing us and see where to go from there.
I really appreciate everyones support. I love this place.

calches · 01-04-2009, 04:20 PM

Let us know how the talk goes. I pray that it goes well.

kimmy-ki · 01-08-2009, 06:11 PM

Good luck! I also am sending super positive vibes that things go well for you!

Jewels · 01-09-2009, 04:53 PM

I guess I would want to ask him why he wouldn't want to adopt? It could be for so many reasons and until you know those reasons you really will have a tough time making a decision as to whether or not this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I have to say though if you are questioning whether or not he is then you owe it to yourself, him and your potential children to ask yourselves the tough questions. I for one vote NEVER settle on anything less than all that you need. Good luck to you. I hope things work out just as your heart desires!

glennagiraffe · 01-12-2009, 03:08 PM

well we had another talk and his reasoning for not adopting was that " It's hard enough to be a parent when they are your own."
I just stared at him, I felt like I didn't know him. He felt this way and yet he's asking me to love and co-parent his daughter who is not "my own" in any biological way. He said that it was different. I don't see how. I said "Parenting is hard no matter what, that's not why you do it."

Right now we are at an impasse. I've suggested we go to counseling to talk it through with a neutral third party . He says he will think about it.
I appreciate all the support, suggestions and advice from everyone here.
I try to keep my chin up and remember that the universe has a plan for me. In the mean time I'll be the best mommy I can be to my furball andromeda.

kimmy-ki · 01-12-2009, 05:46 PM

Hi again Glenna,

I definitely vote for counseling--couple and individual counseling if possible. This impasse requires serious soul searching on both sides and I think having a professional guide you through that process would be very helpful and reassuring for both.

DH and I are in counseling as part of the adoption process (upon advice from the agency) and I can't believe how much it is helping us even though I didn't consider beforehand that we had a problem! The recommendation was made because DH has a daughter from his previous marriage and the psychologist at the agency felt it was important for us to address specific issues related to her. In just a few sessions, our communication has improved 100%--now we talk about all sorts of feelings, impressions, etc. outside the therapist's office that we never talked about before. I used to be a real skeptic of therapy but now I am a big fan--especially if you can find a therapist who you are both comfortable with. I just wish it wasn't so expensive--but so far it has been well worth everything we've paid!

Good luck!!!!