Need advice please...

Madeese · 07-09-2003, 12:12 PM

Hi everyone.
I've gotten myself into a really sticky situation and I didn't know where else to turn but here. I was diagnosed with PCOS in Sept of 01 and soon after I lost about 40 pounds. Needless to say, this did wonders for my self esteem. However, stress increased and I stopped losing weight. Anyway, I began talking to men on the internet. The bad part is that I would lie and say I was 120 pounds when I am really 220 pounds. I never had intensions of meeting these men, I guess I was just lonely for someone to listen to me late at night. Here's the problem. I wound up talking to a guy who seems great. We've been talking on the phone about 2 weeks, but haven't met yet (obviously) After talking last night, I realize that I grew up with this guy and he literally lives 5 houses away from me. He's pretty much everything I am looking for but now I have lied to him so much about my name, and weight and where I live (cause I was scared to give these details to a stranger) and now I can't meet him. He keeps telling me that looks don't matter and I know for a fact he was chubby at a point and lost about 25 pounds but I know how guys are where I live. It's all about the looks. I'd love to be able to tell him who I really am and have him still care about me, but I am so unsure. If he doesn't still want to speak to me, I will be humiliated in front of his whole family who are friendly with my family. I am so upset - I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would greatly help. I'm so confused.

Thank you in advance!

alaskangrown · 07-09-2003, 07:11 PM

Hi,

I don't know if my advise is any good or not but I think that the only way out of this now is to tell him the truth...if he rejects you then you wouldn't want him in your life anyway...life is full of sticky situations and the only thing you can do is live with dignity...he may just surprise you about how he feels.

I wish you all the luck
Misty

SheriKCMO · 07-10-2003, 01:39 AM

Madeese,
Having met several people from the online world, including my dear husband, I have a lot of experience with this concept. To solve your problems, though, we need to back waaaay up.
1) You need to love yourself just as you are and realize that it is not your fault that you have a metabolic disorder and are overweight.
2) Please know that there are plenty of loving people in this world ready to meet you and fall in love, regardless of your self-image. They will think you are gorgeous, smart, and worthy of the world on a platter.
3) Once you believe both of these, please be as honest about your appearance as possible with anyone who expresses interest in that info. You don't have to tell your exact weight, just "pleasantly plump" or "voluptuous" or something like that. You'll never be in this pickle again if you are honest about the physical stuff. Telling where you live is a safety concern.
4) You said it yourself, "and now I can't meet him." This one needs to stay online or on the phone. Tell him you aren't ready. Tell him that you are self-conscious about your appearance that you weren't honest about. Don't ever tell him who you are. Your dignity is at stake here, and if he's worth catching, he'll be patient with you. See what he says about your revelation. If it's really accepting, then continue getting to know one another and eventually send a photo. Ask him when you send it if he will respect you enough to keep this relationship quiet.

This is almost too touchy to mess with, I'm sorry to say. What with your families knowing each other, etc., it could be horribly embarrassing. You stand to lose some self-esteem bigtime.

I hope it works out for you!

{{Hugs!}}
Sheri

Lendi · 07-12-2003, 09:01 AM

Yikes, this is quite a delimna. And, I haven't a clue. My first gut instinct was for you to own up to it and see what happens. But, that may turn out great...or not. Do you see him a lot socially? Does he show and interest in you when you are together? Can you arrange it so that you are able to really spend some time together getting to know each other, maybe letting the computer dating die down. Then, tell him?
I do agree that while name, address are safety issues, you should, in the future, not lie about other types of issues. But, that won't help you now if you truly have given your heart away. If that is the case, I really think I would own up too it, see what happens and go from there. You could have heartache, but you also may have a great deal of joy. Let us know what happens, and good luck. Lendi

cyster_sista_annie · 07-23-2003, 03:28 AM

I agree with Shen,
Keep it quiet for now. I think you should tell him that you weren't honest about your appearance though... The other solution could be tell him about pcos? At least he might gain a bit of insight into your feelings as a result of your condition... bear in mind the descriptions of the symtoms of our desease do sound pretty scary...
Why don't you meet him without talking about the internet thing.. Talk to him. But don't tell him that you're the fantastic chick on the internet...Play both sides of the identity, Maybe you could find out what he's really like, or whether he's just playing Mr Nice Guy because he thinks your thin. THis is pretty sneaky, but it could save you some heart ache..
Ax

prunepie · 07-24-2003, 02:54 AM

hmmmmmmm i have to agree with sheri on this one ... hmmmm

ya know i once told this guy from online that i was very chubby..like 10 times and he didnt believe me ..and when we met..... he looked shocked..i was like hey dumb arse i TOLD YOU!!

so when i met now bf/fiancee i told him twice i was chubby before we actually met and i reiterated...i am chubby not just down on myself.... you need to know..and he said no worries..well of course i thoght he would be like the other guy..but nope... he loves me for me..

so lying bout your weight online... seems like no big deal..but...what if you meet someone you really click with and lie about wieght? itll bite ya in the butt in the end...so... try not to even go there. xoxox jenn goodl uck