I came here because I feel like I am honestly depressed. Lots of times before I would try to talk myself out of it and say that I just had a lot on my plate and as soon as life calmed down I would feel better. But it is just getting really bad, or atleast I think so. Perhaps I could get some opinions from you ladies.
Lately, I just feel like I can not get a handle on life. I am so unhappy. I feel like nobody cares about me, I mean truly cares about me. I feel like I am everyone's support system, but I have no support system. I am constantly giving advice and helping my friends, but I don't have anyone I can just pour my heart out to. I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and that terrifies me. I haven't had 1 single relationship work out and I am beginning to realize it must be me. I feel so fat and so ugly...I have not 1 feature I find attractive. My Daddy just suffered a massive stroke in July of this year and while I have been dealing with his illness since 7 (he had his first stroke then), this time was different...it really hit me hard. I feel like I can not please my Mom, she is always so critical of me. I never sleep...I am a Sophomore in college and while I make A's & B's, I run on empty. It is now 1:42 in the morning and I have to be up by 8 AM. It never matters, I don't sleep. I do, however, sleep most of the afternoon after class. I am just so so unhappy and lots of times I just sit and listen to sad music and cry here in my dorm room when my roommate is gone. I like being alone, that way I don't have to pretend.
I am just hitting rock bottom and I know I need some help, I just don't know how to go about it. I know my Mom will be disappointed in me and probably try to convince both of us that I am just "overwhelmed but it'll pass" but I don't feel that way. I think I seriously need some help!
Am I wrong?
__________________ -Amanda-
Diagnosed with PCOS - 7/12/04
Oh honey, I could have written your post below! I feel just like you do, and carry all the same guilts and worries and everything!!
I've only just been diagnosed with depression, and believe me, that's half the battle. I kept telling myself (and all my friends who didn't understand kept telling me) "Cheer up." "Get over it." "Pull yourself together". But it wasn't until I talked to someone else who suffers depression that I realised that you can't just "get over it". You need help and understanding and to just sort out stuff.
I am lucky that I have a wonderful doctor (GP) who is really supportive and encouraging and LISTENS. She told me recently "Kath, depression is just an illness. If you had another illness like diabetes, you'd get help and you'd use any medications that worked to fix the illness. You'd also expect people to be understanding and supportive of your illness. You have the right to all of those things with depression." That was a HUGE thing for me to understand.
I'm ill. I'm not crazy or over-emotional or any of those negative things. I just have an illness that I need help with.
A lot of my friends and family don't understand either, so I know where you're coming from there. I'm lucky I've found a few core people who do understand and help me through the tough times. It doesn't help that I'm single too, and feel very unloved a lot of the time!
Anyway, I won't blather on too much more. PLEASE feel free to email me anytime for a chat - I love emailing. My addy is sleepydumplingau@yahoo.com
Amanda-- Feeling depressed like you are is VERY common for college students (in fact, it was the primary topic of RA training when I was an RA). It might be chemical, and a lot of college students discover that they have clinical depression in college, or it might be brought on by stress (like from your father's recent stroke) and not treating your body right (sleep, for example). Image problems are also very prevalent in college. You're not the only person suffering through this.
Since you're at a college, the first thing to do is to talk to someone AT the college. Most schools have a variety of places you can go because college is such a stressful place. If you don't know of any off the top of your head and can't figure it out easily (by asking a resident advisor or looking in the student directory), make an appointment at the clinic on campus and they can make the appropriate referrals. Most colleges I've been at have 2 or 3 different places you can go when you're feeling depressed, from clinical psychologists who can refer you to psychiatrists to student run support organizations that you can just call up and say what's on your mind to, to the dean of students who can pull strings if you need to take some time off.
You don't even need to tell your mom if you don't want to-- the school cannot tell her if you decide to seek treatment (unless you're under 18). However, even if she says it will just pass, you can probably use her support (my mom used to be like that too until I got therapy), and if there is something really wrong, she may come to understand in time once you start talking about therapy. Also, you may want to try opening up to your friends, even though you haven't. You've been there for them and many of them would probably like to be there for you. You don't always have to be the strong one. That's what friendship is for.
But DEFINITELY see someone professional on campus so that you can get evaluated. If I were your RA I would not be able to stress enough the importance of seeing someone professional when you're feeling as depressed as you are. Make an appointment RIGHT AWAY.
I know how you're feeling, dear. I have battled depression since high school. I am a college super-senior now and I live off-campus by myself, but I remember sitting in my dorm room, hoping my roommate wouldn't come back or trying to hide the fact that I was crying while my roommate was there... I felt this need to hide it from everyone but my boyfriend. I wouldn't leave my room to use the bathroom if I thought someone would be in there. I wouldn't go to the cafeteria, afraid that I would see someone I knew... and who knew I was missing class. I felt so guilty for being depressed. I thought I was letting everyone down. I thought I was alone. I wish I would have known that others were going through the same thing. So I thought it might help to share my experiences with you. Sorry that this is so long!
Go talk to someone.... anyone! If your university has a counseling center, go there! But don't be afraid to tell others too. I used to be too embarrassed to discuss it, and it's still hard. But recently, I realized that I had to just suck it up and tell people who could help me. My boyfriend convinced me that I had to tell my mom. At first, she didn't handle it well, and I felt like crap for telling her. But the next day, after it had sunk in, she made a doctor's appointment for me. The doctor was extremely nice, and put me at ease about telling him what was going on. He put me on an antidepressant, and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY! My next task was to go talk to one of my professors, and she was so understanding. When I thanked her for making me feel less awkward, she told me that I shouldn't feel awkward because I wouldn't believe the things people come to her with. I also had a chat (just yesterday, actually) with a woman I trust who works in the honors program I'm in, and she was so helpful. And now that I have shared what is going on with me, it doesn't feel like my "dirty little secret" anymore. No one I talked to had the attitude that I am an awful person for being depressed, so why should I?
I wish I would have reached out sooner. I feel like I have wasted so much time being depressed, and in some big ways, it has altered my life, and I can't change it back. Please get help now. I know it's hard to reach out... very, very hard. But there are people who understand, especially in a university setting. I regret not getting help sooner- more than I can tell you.
There are people who care about you. I'm included in that, even though I've never met you. (Hey, we're cysters, and that's how we are!) I'm very sorry about your father, and I wish your family the best. Take care of yourself, and if you ever need anything, just PM me! Even if you need someone to talk to, I have a phone and free long distance.
__________________ Jennifer, 24 Mommy to Logan, my Border Collie dx: PCOS 10/04, Bipolar II Disorder 8/06
rx: 1500 mg Met (haven't for a while), 200 mg Zoloft, 200 mg Lamictal, 120 mg Cardizem
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Amanda, I know exactly how you're feeling. This happened to me too. I was overwhelmed, caught up with the stress, having trouble looking after my body (in terms of eating and sleeping right). I struggled very hard with coursework. I tried to hide this from everybody. I tried to always look happy as if my life was perfect, because I felt guilty for not getting straight A's easily. I ended up having to drop out, which ended up being a good thing. It gave me time to focus on myself and develop an action plan for what to do if depression hits again. I do wish I had spoken to somebody about it, though. I could have saved myself several months of guilt and depression.
I would strongly suggest to you to speak to somebody about your depression. I would agree with Nicole about looking for resources on campus. You can get through this Amanda, and there are people to help you. *hugs* Good luck to you, and please keep us updated.
__________________ I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. - Helen Keller
I've been exactly where you are two, when I was in university I had pretty bad depression and was suicidal at point. But evenutally I reached out and got help, through my family and friends, from doctors. When I decided to go on anti-depressants it was one of the hardest decisions I had to make because it was like I was truly admitting that I had a problem that I couldn't deal with on my own. But it turned out to be the best decision that I ever made. What I'm trying to say is please go get professional help as soon as possible, it's not easy but it can make the world of difference.
I used to lock myself in my room and avoid everyone because I couldn't face them. I would eat only at times when I knew no one was in the kitchen of my shared house because I didn't want to see people or talk to them. But evetually I started spending more and more time with people which made me feel better in itself.
When you can't sleep, everything feels so much worse and when everything's so bad that you can't sleep, it's a vicious circle, if you can break it then things may seem slightly brighter!
There are people around who do care about you and understand some of what you are going through. If you need someone to talk to my e mail is madness_01_2000@yahoo.com
__________________
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I am not disorganized, I have anti-systematic methodology disorder.
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amanda.....please get some help. as it has been said here, depression is a disease, and you often need to get help to get through.
ask at the college for help or where to turn to get some, depression is something that lots of people suffer from and the regular stresses in college can cause it, not to mention the extra stresses that you have been going through.
I think that you should talk to a counselor--there is probably one at your campus health center. Depression can be triggered by major life events like starting a new semester...even if it is a positive event. Remember that depression is a real health issue, not something that's "all in your head". Lots of us here are dealing with depression. Please go talk to someone so you can start feeling better!
I agree with all the other cysters, go and look for help. I wish I would have done so earlier. Sorry I do not have a lot of advice for you at the moment, but I just wanted to send you a big hug and tell you that you are very very pretty! I love your signature photo!
__________________ Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Amanda, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been battling depression and panic disorder for a while now and I know what it's like to suffer with these things - and PCOS - and losing all self confidence. Please get help, I'll be thinking of you x
P.S. You are very pretty and don't forget it!!!
I am taking the advice and am going to speak to my doctor about this because I trust her completely and feel like she would understand me better than someone I have never met before. It may be the wrong route, but I just trust her.
I am concerned as to what my Mom is going to say because she tries so hard to convice herself and also me that this will pass, but I know it won't. After reading your responses and also some threads on this forum...I know I am depressed. I sat and cried when I finally admitted it to myself, but I guess that is the first step. Knowing and accepting won't fix this alone, I understand that. I can't make myself get out of this rut, I have tried. I have good days and bad days, but the bad are getting much more frequent. I guess I have admitted that if I could have done this alone, I never would have ended up here asking for help.
Once again, thank you all so much!
__________________ -Amanda-
Diagnosed with PCOS - 7/12/04
Good luck! Your doctor is a good place to start. It may take a lot of work, but you can feel better!
And eventually your mom may understand, even if she doesn't right away. It took me coming home for break having gained 30 lb, looking awful otherwise (from constant crying) and not getting out of bed for 3 days (except to use the restroom) to convince her that maybe I needed professional help... and even then she was in denial for a bit. But I kept lines of communication open and she became incredibly supportive. This is probably new to her too.
I was pretty lucky because my mom has an associate's in mental health and so she understood that my depression was not just a phase I was going through. Fortunately mine was caused by the effects of my medication, so it's been an easier problem for me to solve than it is for many people. I found that high estrogen birth control pills cause me to become depressed. Have you recently started any new medication? Most depression isn't caused by that but I always want to make other PCOS ladies aware of my situation so they don't have the same problem.
Need help..... 
Eva
