Need help

Epohj · 10-31-2003, 05:25 AM

I have a question for all of you. I have a co worker that miscarried for her second time this year. Our office is one of 10 people and we're kinda like a second family. We all knew that she was ttc and everyone got excited with her great news. She found out that she had miscarried at work. The hard part of all of this is we have one girl already out on maternity leave, we have a staff member thats daughter is expecting twins anyday, another staff member's daughter is due three days after the baby would have been due and I'm her boss and I'm due in two weeks. I can't imagine how hard it has been for her being in this office. I have asked everyone to tone down any baby conversations, but we work in a retail environment where our customers are always asking about someone's baby. What can I do to make her work environment eaiser for her at this time? Is there anything that you can think of that we could do to help her though?

lots_of_dots · 10-31-2003, 05:48 AM

It is sweet that you are so concerned about your coworker's feelings. I really admire that! I don't know what you can do, if anything to make this easier on her as everybody is different. I know if I was your coworker, the worst thing you could do to me would be to hide stuff from me. Even though the info may hurt, it hurts worse when I find out that things were deliberately kept from me. I think it's really great that you've asked to keep the baby talk to a minimum. Even though I like to hear about people's baby's, I do get into baby overload and it just makes me sad that I've been pg three times but have no baby to gush over.

It's really great that you are so concerned. I wish your coworker all the best and send her lots of babydust!!

sparrow · 10-31-2003, 11:59 AM

I am so very glad to hear that you are concerned for her feelings. It is a huge help to her and even if she doesn't say anything, I am sure she is grateful for your support and thoughtfulness.

In that environment, surrounded by expectant mothers, there's a limited amount you can do, but I know I definitely didn't want any part of a baby conversation. I still wanted to know what was going on, but I preferred to be the one asking how things were going, to be in control of receiving that information when I felt strong enough. I agree that hiding information may not be what she wants, and she may or may not feel worse knowing that everyone is talking behind her back.

I think you did the right thing asking that people tone down on the baby conversation. As you said, they won't cease altogether, but perhaps it will take the edge off. Do you have a good rapport with her that you can ask her how to handle the situation; and will you get an honest answer from her?

Also, you and/or your co-workers just letting her know that you are there if she wants to talk is a good thing. She may not choose to do that, but when it was me, just knowing that someone cared enough to listen made me feel better.

On her behalf, thank you for being so caring!!!

hilfgirl33 · 11-02-2003, 11:18 AM

I think toning it down is a good idea, too, but you probably shouldn't cease all talk as that would be unnatural. I agree with the above poster that if you have a good rapport with her, you should talk to her and maybe say anytime you aren't feeling strong enough to hear this take whatever time you need - or let her be able to say "I'm having a really bad day today and just follow her lead." Maybe whoever has the closest rapport with her should be the one who tells her when the twins and babies are born before she gets into work so she can make her congratulations on her terms. Also, tell her if she doesn't feel like congratulating anyone right now, that you understand that too. It's not like she isn't happy but it may be just too much to deal with emotionally.

When I lost my 2nd baby at 18 weeks I was due in January and my neighbor was due in December. We were both showing but when I came home from the hospital with an empty belly and I saw her walking around with this big adorable cute round belly, I actually felt violently sick. I really avoided her a lot. So she is going to need time and support. But by the time the baby was born and a couple weeks old, I was able to go and actually be happy for them.

This is a tough situation but I think communication is the key here and is difficult as it may be, it should be initiated by one of you so that she knows how much you care about what happened to her.

Epohj · 11-02-2003, 03:50 PM

Thanks for all of your thoughts! I really just don't want to make a bad time worse for her. She comes back to work tom. and I'm hoping that with your idea and suggestions, it will be an easy transition for her. Again, I can not thank you all enough!