need a husbands opinion

determination · 01-15-2007, 01:17 PM

I was diagnosed with PCOS about 7 years ago and in that time have managed to keep my weight down as much as possible. I am having trouble because I feel that my husband does not support me. He tells me that I am crazy and that there is nothing wrong with me. He knows that I am hirsuite and therefore can't wear revealing clothing and oogles at women in revealing clothing when we are in public. I have told him that I know this is normal but it bothers me particularly because I am very envious of these clearly non-pcos women but he continues to oogle and it only gets worse when I ask him to stop. He claims that he finds me attractive but has no interest in having sex with me. I am 5' 5" and 130 pounds. My husband has told me that his ideal is 5' 5" and 120 pounds. I have been trying but it is really difficult for me to get down to that weight. He is constantly staring at the pimples I have on the sides of my face and my facial hair. I told him about the problem very early in our marriage and he said that he understood and would be supportive. However, I don't think he has been. Many of his friends find me very attractive and have even told him that I am too "HOT" for him. Why does he tell me that I am crazy and do not have PCOS when he knows I do? And why does he have no interest in having sex with me? If he is not attracted to me and is interested in other women I wish he would just leave because there are other men out there that do find me beautiful and I would rather be with somebody that loves and appreciates me. Is he really unsupportive or am I just being too sensitive?

Thanks.

breezygirl7 · 01-15-2007, 04:38 PM

At the moment I'm trying to breathe, but I am so mad. Your husband shouldn't be telling you that it's "in your head". That is not right and I can imagine how upset this makes you. I use to have a b/f(of 5 yrs.) that did this same thing to me. He started making me doubt myself. I'm here to tell you this isn't in your head. I've spent years in denial and have just now recently decided that if I didn't do something to fight back against this disease it was going to get me. You do know the health problems that come with PCOS I hope. Your husband should be supporting you not looking at other women and telling you that he doesn't want to have sex with you. If you are only 130lbs you are incredibly lucky considering a lot of women with PCOS have a huge weight problem because of the disease. I'm not belittling the problems you have with PCOS...please don't think that I am. But if your husband is whining that 130lbs too big for him, I'm sorry but that is absolutely ridiculous. Last time I checked when you love someone it is for better or worse. I don't mean to sound corny but it's true. If someone really loves someone they wouldn't speak to them like that or try and hurt them like that. Love is unconditional. I'm not trying to say you should get a divorce I'm not even married myself but your husband needs to figure some things out real fast or he is going to be losing out. I hope you don't let him continue to treat you like this...stand up for yourself and let him know how you feel and that he is in the wrong. Have you told him how much his words are hurting you? You are NOT being too sensitive. This disease isn't easy to deal with, remember that when he tells you that it's in your head. I'm here if you need to talk or just rant about whatever.

Your cyster,
breezygirl7

P.S. If you haven't tried the chatroom there are a lot of great women there that understand what you are going through...most of us are on late at night. Come and join us

Fuzzzzybum · 01-15-2007, 11:44 PM

Hello, first i must say your not being over sensitive, even if you think are, who cares your a woman, that's just how we are! second BUY men are from mars woman are from venus by john Gray.

It saved our relationship, my friends and my brothers. we read this book after we had been together for about a year, we where arguing all the time and i was 1 insult away from leaving him. After i had read the book i understood why he was being such a ********. i asked him to read it and about 2 weeks later he finished the book, he came home from work with a huge bunch of flowers, my favourite chocolates and spent 3 hours telling me how sorry he was for being so horrible. We have never been so happy. People still say to us, Oh young love, you wait a few years lol.

We understand each other, martin is very supportive of me and finds me VERY attractive. im 5'5" 197 pounds and a typical PCOS woman.

Martin stairs at my face, he does not see my pimples and hair, he is not staring at my faults, he is staring at me, just me. The staring is making you self conscious but he is doing because he loves me. Have you ever woken up early and watched your husband sleeping?? just laid there admiring his lips, his cheeks, his eyes?? He is not even seeing the pimples and hair, he is seeing your warm soft beautiful skin and all the love he feels for you....till you shout STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!

Ask your husband to read it after you have, i know if your like me your probably thinking he will never read it, after you have read the book you will know how to ask him correctly and he will read it for you. I know that sounds bad, but its as simple as, instead of saying can you read this book please. Say it would make me happy if you read this book.

Once you have read the book yourself, you will understand how a little change in wording can make a huge difference you will learn allot about your self as well. also you mite want to read mars and venus in the bedroom, its not a sex book, more of an emotional guide. Heres a little bit about the men: A man needs to repeatedly experience that he can make a woman happy in and outside of the bedroom if he is to stay attracted and turned on by her.

The basic gist of it is, he may rock your world in the bedroom but if he feels like he is failing you outside the bedroom he is going to find it hard to be attracted to you. It may have nothing to do with your physical body not being attractive but his emotional needs as a man not being met.

Another thing is, he may look at other woman in tiny outfits and find them attractive purely because they are confidant, he may feel that if you where 10 pounds lighter you would be more confidant but he does not know how to express that feeling correctly. If you tell him, im to hot for you, in his mind you are saying, he is not good enough for you, he is a failure as a husband and a man. As you can imagine that's very hurtful.

Im not saying that you are wrong or he is right but i think most woman forget that men are just as emotional as woman, sometimes more emotional but they have been programed over thousands of years not to show it, but they still feel it, there way of expressing that pain and hurt is often miss understood by woman.

I may be wrong but im sure he loves you very much and you are very attractive to him. Sex for a man in love is sometimes the only time they feel the full force of there emotions, if most of them are negative, its not very pleasurable and he probably does not know why. As for you he will be able to support you once he is not feeling like a failure and knows how!!

I am 99% sure over the years he has tried with all his heart and soul to support you the only way he knows how! if he has been burned he will be more and more reluctant to even attempt to support you. A mans way of supporting a woman is often unhelpful to us, its not there fault, if you did it to them they would feel supported and they simply don't understands why your in more pain... he feels like a failure and deeply hurt, he becomes more distant.

Fuzzzzybum · 01-16-2007, 12:40 AM

Oh forgot to mention, as for the your crazy and don't have PCOS thing. Yes, its wrong of him to say, im not saying he is a nice man all i saying is he is a MAN! stupid hurtful remarks are one of the ways his hurt comes out in a way we (woman) don't understand. There are a few points of view on this.

1: he does not see the PCOS symptoms so you don't have it, in his mind he don't know what your on about.

2: he wishes you didn't have it, he cant support you, he cant help you, he cant get rid of it, there is nothing he can do about it. He wishes you didn't have it but he cant express his emotions, so you don't have it.

The crazy thing: Think of it this way, he tells you he IS attracted to you, you say no your not, he says yes he is! you say then why don't you want to have sex with me?? well you have just called him a liar, you obviously don't trust him or you would believe him, you have proved he cant make you happy because you keep having a go, you think he is a liar, you don't trust him and he is a failure as a husband. So he stands there extremely hurt and totally confused, he knows there is nothing he can say to stop the arguing, the problem is no sex the only way to fix no sex is to have sex, everything he says is a lie and he don't want to have sex because he is to hurt but you keep asking him for sex, emotionally he feels like a deer that's been hit by a truck!!! and you want sex????? he is a man so he cant express his feelings (that's not something bad, its just men), so out comes of his mouth YOUR CRAZY!!

Neechogan · 01-24-2007, 03:57 PM

I'm the husban of a wonderful woman who has had PCOS for about 7 years but was diagnosed about 2 years ago. My wife is what you would describe as the typical PCOS sufferer. Excess weight and hair growth, mood swings, low to no sex drive.

I must admit that it has been a struggle for me. My wife has always been overweight and I think about the first time I met her, sitting there on that stool in the coffee shop. Her hair was long and wavey, she was wearing a sweater and stirrup pants. She was a knockout, I was instantly attracted to her. I'm still attracted to her as much as I was that first day.

I've been guilty of oogling from time to time when my wife's libido started taking a nose dive. While I still glance from time-to-time, I changed my behaviour when I realized how my wife was feeling. She came out and told me and only then did I realize that I was being a jerk.

Let your partner know how you feel and ask him what has changed to cause him to look at other women that way. Be tactful about it and sincere. If really loves you, he'll see how his behaviour makes you feel and he'll change. If its because there is an issue with intimacy, do your hardest to work on it. Listen to his concerns and compromise if necessary. Trust me, I know all too well about the pain associated with a marriage void of intimacy (however, my wife and I are working hard at rebuilding it).

Good luck and God bless.

flubby · 01-24-2007, 09:00 PM

Hi determination, are you sure this has to do with your PCOS? He sounds very controlling and manipulative to me. You aren't even overwieght!
Don't let him destroy your confidence.

Neechogan, I'm so glad things are looking up for you!

Hugs to you both

Sirus Foxx · 01-27-2007, 03:21 AM

Hi Determination,
I'm new here as my fiancee just came across this board tonight and we both joined up.
I'm going to give you a few very blunt facts from a man's perspective about your husband, and understand I don't mean any disrespect by any of this.
First of all, if you have PCOS, are 5'5, and weigh 130 lbs, that is positively amazing and you should be unbelievably proud of yourself. That weight and build for someone without PCOS is hard to accomplish so if you feel you are too fat, it's time to get that silly thought out of your head.
And I'm sorry to say it this way because you didn't marry him for no reason, but your husband appears to be a bit of a jerk. His disinterest in you and his accusations of denial are unfortunately typical of a lot of males. Both the lady I'm with now and myself have been married before to people whom acted just the way your husband appears to be acting. I'm not sure how long you two have been married or how long you had courted prior to marriage, but your life isn't something worth spending with someone whom doesn't want to be with you for who you are, not for whom they want you ideally to be.
A ten pound difference, though it may be hard to lose, doesn't alter your physical appearance that much, and to me it seems as if he's using that excuse as a shield. Bottom line is, don't settle. As someone who's been through a divorce I heed you take my advice. Your mate should love you based on your mind and your soul, not your ability to lose ten pounds. Ask yourself this: If you suddenly weighed 230, would he still love you as much as he loved you the moment you exchanged rings? And if you have to consider that question for more than a second, then perhaps there are other things you should consider as well. It's your life. Be happy.

I truly wish you the best of luck.