Need a Man's POV

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-02-2008, 11:33 AM

I have been married for 10.5 yrs and the relationship has always been rocky to say the least. I'm beginning to realize that my husband is somewhat controlling and never has any interest in doing what I want to do. It's always got to be about him. I have been toying with the idea of divorce over the past few years just because I am not happy in the relationship and I really don't see a future with him anymore. What sealed the deal for me was back in November, 2007 I found out that there was a possibility I could lose my job due to performance issues. Now I have been working my arse off so to speak and have been improving hugely so hopefully it won't happen. Anyways, I got the guts to tell my spouse about this and he said and i quote "if you lose your job, we are over". No emotion nothing. He said this to me on 1/23/06 when I first started this job, so I know he means it. When he said this back in November, it made me realize that I am just a paycheck to him and yes he does work. He's also been yelling at our kids about the dumbest things and getting mad at them. Due to what he said to me about my job, I do not love him anymore and I definitely cannot forgive him nor forget about what he said. Since this area is mostly for men, can you all let me know if I am over-reacting or do you think I am justified in my thoughts? Thanks

nikbeehubby · 01-02-2008, 05:41 PM

you and the kids deserve a home without the love-less charade of domesticity for the sake of convenience. dont look to me to validate that which your gut has already told you to do however had it been me,,,, long gone long ago.

best of luck to you in what you decide and may
you at some point find the peace you seek.
hugz

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-03-2008, 03:38 PM

I think a lot of the fear I have in leaving is this: Been with my spouse for 12 yrs now and i have never been on my own. Went straight from living with my mom to living with him. Also I am waiting until school ends for our daughters so I don't have to put too much stress on them now. Its been a difficult year for us, especially with losing my mom that I don't want to put too much stress on them. Thanks for listening.

shadowknight · 01-06-2008, 12:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gstump7694

Since this area is mostly for men, can you all let me know if I am over-reacting or do you think I am justified in my thoughts? Thanks

I don't think you are overreacting at all, he sounds like a real asshole.

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-07-2008, 01:14 PM

What I hate and this confuses me the most is that he can be a complete and udder ass, but on other days he can be the sweetest person I ever met. I wish I would have seen this side of him 11 yrs ago so I wouldn't have to go through this.

biker_jt · 01-08-2008, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gstump7694

What I hate and this confuses me the most is that he can be a complete and udder ass, but on other days he can be the sweetest person I ever met. I wish I would have seen this side of him 11 yrs ago so I wouldn't have to go through this.

i'm no expert but i know a few women that have been in abusive relationships and what you said here is the most common thing i hear about why they convince themselves to stay. now i'm not trying to say he is abusive just that it doesn't seem like a good place for you or your kids

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-08-2008, 10:32 AM

I'm slowly starting to realize that this is more than likely an abusive relationship. My mother was verbally abusive to me until the last year of her life. She would always tell me how I wouldn't amount to much of anything and that I couldn't attract a good man even if I tried. Now I've gotten myself into a relationship where I have basically told myself that he is ultimately a good man and wouldn't do anything to harm the girls. Problem is, now I am seeing where they are starting to not want anything to do with him. They always side with me and never with him on anything.

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-11-2008, 04:27 PM

So an update. Something else happened where a charge came onto our bank account that was to an adult website. I cancelled the subscription and they are crediting back 2 of the charges. I called him and told him about this and he didn't remember doing it. I got off the phone with him and 20 min later he sends a text message saying that he'll clean up his email when he gets home then he's leaving. An hour later, he asks me to pack a bag for him and then to call me when I go to lunch. I called him and he swore that he didn't do it and I told him how what he said in November hurt me and I can't forgive or forget about what he said. He doesn't even remember saying it!!!!! For Christ's sake, do you have friggin' amnesia??????? Told him I want a divorce and I really don't care if he wants to stay together. Said I am not happy and today's episode was icing on the cake. Then he comes back saying that there are things that I do that I don't like and crap. I think he's trying to turn blame back on me. Hell I don't know. I just know that I am done.

etuc · 01-11-2008, 05:52 PM

Hugs,

got your pm so came to take a look. Will try to make this quick because I have to go out soon with my DH so excuse any errors please, typing as fast as I can.

Sorry things are so rough right now. I'll just reply here instead of sending another pm (since this may end up being too long for a pm)

My ex did that too, try to blame me for everything when really a marriage takes two to work on. One can work on it for awhile but then the one doing all the work gets fed up! I swear our was holding up our whole world for many years before I realized, it takes two to work on it.

Does your husband have any mental or physical or drug problems that can be making him act like this? My ex had graves that caused him to go crazy several times a year, say stupid things, treat me like crap and then he'd claim to not remember it. But even after the graves was under control it was clear that we didn't love each other enough to repair the marriage. I had developed callouses on my heart that couldn't be smoothed over with flowers or occasional spurts of niceness from him.

I think I mentioned in the pm counseling really helped me to figure out that I deserved to be treated better, but you seem to realize this on your own, GRATS! Wish I had figured out that earlier. I still recommend counseling though because when you come from an abusive situation it can help you see the way things should be.

Being in a miserable relationship both of you have probably said and done things you may or may not regret. He wants to blame you and you want to blame him. Imo it doesn't really matter, if it is over it is over.

Try to learn what you can from any mistakes you may have made, like picking a man who would treat you this way. I think I mentioned in my pm to you about how I didn't realize I was continuing a cycle of abuse by marrying my ex in the first place, so that was my first big lesson, second was being alone is so much better than walking on egg shells waiting to catch a bomb. Third lesson was working on my self esteem issues to make me a better person and the fourth was learning to trust men again, there are wonderful men out there, my new DH is so wonderful I really never thought I would be so happy.

Not sure if I mentioned that my mom didn't want to divorce my dad who was the abuser, but he divorced her when I was about 6 or 7 and my 3 siblings and I couldn't have been happier to have him out of the house! He left us flat broke and dirt poor (he was a wealthy doctor) My mom was depressed and ashamed because back then divorces weren't that common. My father forced us to visit him, none of us kids wanted to see him, but we did anyway because we had too (that is a long story I won't go into now).

My divorce was fairly easy compared to my mom's though divorce is never easy, but it is a cure to a miserable marriage.

My ex and I are now on somewhat friendly terms, we exchange emails and have talked about what went wrong, he is very happy for me now and I still find myself worrying about him on occasion.

I hope the best for you and your girls.

Sorry this is such a messy reply, must run now!

(((((HUGS)))))

nikbeehubby · 01-11-2008, 11:09 PM

youve made the first positive step here.

call a lawyer yesterday. save any documentation from the bank too.
above all else COVER YOUR A$$.
cancel every credit card you have. ask your lawyer for a list of what needs to be done ASAP ASAP ASAP. he's already trying to shift blame from him to you, next step is to screw you out of spite. COVER YOUR A$$ NOW.

the next month or few are going to be a real ***** im sure, hang in there, it gets better.

oh yeah... call a lawyer YESTERDAY.

hugs....

us

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-12-2008, 12:32 PM

Ok, here is what he said now. Since he was at work he didn't want to discuss the truth of what happened. He owned up to the website. Said he ordered it to help us out in the bedroom. Problem is, when I got home he had destroyed my computer. Hell, if he would have asked me to disconnect the internet for a while, I would have. He wants to work it out and won't take no for an answer. God, I don't know what to do anymore. I almost feel like giving up and say "**** it all". He is not mentally disturbed or anything like that. Probably the most put together human I know of.

etuc · 01-12-2008, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gstump7694

Ok, here is what he said now. Since he was at work he didn't want to discuss the truth of what happened. He owned up to the website. Said he ordered it to help us out in the bedroom. Problem is, when I got home he had destroyed my computer. Hell, if he would have asked me to disconnect the internet for a while, I would have. He wants to work it out and won't take no for an answer. God, I don't know what to do anymore. I almost feel like giving up and say "**** it all". He is not mentally disturbed or anything like that. Probably the most put together human I know of.

Wow! Somehow I don't think him drooling over porn will help your marriage at all but then I am not married to him. He destroyed your computer too? Maybe I am not understanding this at all. How did he destroy your computer, was it on purpose or did he pick up some nasty bug on a porn site?

Do you want to stay with him or show him the door? This "won't take no for an answer" sounds like a man who refuses to give up control over you. You need to decide what is best for you and your children.

If you decide to stay with him please insist on counseling for both of you.

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-12-2008, 07:55 PM

I really don't know what I want. I feel like leaving but then again I feel so defeated that I might as well stay and say **** it. I feel emotionally drained.

saspeabody32 · 01-13-2008, 02:32 AM

Hello! I was reading this thread and the first thing that popped in my head was RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG. Of course he doesn't want you to leave, he wants you to stay so he can finish using and abusing you. For the sake of your kid's, I would suggest get out now. I know that it is not easy, but you have to find something within yourself to make you leave. No amount of talking from any of us will do, it has to come from you...Good luck

~*Proud*Female*~ · 01-14-2008, 10:52 AM

I am leaving at the end of the school year. That's the only time I can do it. I have finally realized he's not going to let me out so I have to do it on my own. I have a few friends that are willing to help so we will go from there.