In need of a pep talk...

DianaG · 01-27-2003, 06:36 PM

or maybe just a swift kick, you know where!

I am having a horrible time getting through my miscarriage emotionally. I am starting to forget to test myself during the day. I haven't forgotten my meds, but I am just not at all there sometimes.

I don't want to eat and I know it is just depression, but I have always been able to shake it in the past.

I was doing so well at the beginning of the month with this loss, but I think having it drawn out so long is wearing me down.

I still have not completed the miscarriage and I was told it would happen on the 2nd! My last hcg test was still 42!

I need some hand holding, or hollering, or I don't know.

What do all of you do when you are down? I am just so tired of everything. I am tired of being on a weight plateau, I am tired of bad news! I want to be happy, like before the pcos, ttc, and diabetes.

Ok, this is turning into a pity party and I hate myself for that!
Anyone have any suggestions?

My DH wants me to talk to the doctor, but what can they do? I absolutely refuse to go on any antidepressants. I am already on too many meds. I think I will get through this phase if I can ever finish this miscarriage.

hugs to all,
Diana

VitaBella · 01-28-2003, 10:23 PM

Diana,

I'm struggling with studying for a midterm that's tomorrow morning, but I just knew there was a reason that I should stop by the board this evening and I was right: sometimes we all need a little support!

I don't think that I'll comment on your miscarriage, because I know what an intensely personal experience that is and grieving for it is different for everyone. I'm still grieving myself in many ways and it's so hard sometimes. What I can tell you, though, is that I also had extremely slow falling HCG levels. I had my D&C on May 24th and FINALLY had two zeros in a row (which is what the doctor wanted) during the second week of September. It was absolutely horrible for the exact reason that you said - it was just being dragged out and dragged out forever. So while I can't really give you much advice on dealing with your miscarriage, I just want you to know that I understand what that feels like and hopefully it'll be over soon. Knowing that it would end eventually was really the only thing that I was able to look forward to.

I was just saying to my DH at school tonight how I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything in my life. I get on these positive kicks where I'm going to get a 4.0 in school, lose five pounds a week, keep an immaculate house, and run at the gym every morning. It lasts for a few days and when it doesn't work out, I feel like such a failure. The solution that I've found (well, that I'm trying because I'm still having some issues) is that I just need to have something positive going on in my life at all times.

I will forgive myself the hard times - not getting the 4.0, etc - if I can concentrate on one positive thing, because then I won't be so overwhelmed by the bad things. This week I'm making a conscious effort to get back into the gym and work out my stress through exercise. I might not eat perfectly and my BGs may not be perfect...I may leave the bed unmade in the morning and not get an A on this exam tomorrow...but by God, I will think positively if I can do just one good thing for myself, and that thing will be exercise.

Do you have an exercise plan? Maybe starting one would be a positive change for you, too, and something to look forward to. It also increases endorphins and relieves stress, which it sounds like you have plenty of.

This has turned into a really long post that talks in circles, but what I really want to say is that bad things are always going to happen in life. You're always going to have bad news or be disappointed about something. The key is dealing with that bad news in comparison to good things that are happening. I think that I can deal with stress much better if I have one solid positive thing going on that I can be proud of. For me, that's going to be exercise...if that doesn't work for you, maybe you can look into volunteering or writing or taking a class in something that interests you. Or getting one of those "classic novel" lists and reading one a month. Whatever it is.

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. You don't need lectured about testing your blood sugar, because you know how important it is...you're saving your body for the future baby that you will carry and taking care of yourself in the best possible way is going to make that much easier. Just be gentle with yourself...life in general is hard, and miscarriage makes it harder. The best that any of us can do is just keep trying...I'm sure you can make a long list of things that you're happy about, and focusing on that over the bad things is going to get you out of your depression.

I hope this helped. If nothing else, I'm always here if you need to talk...let us know how you're doing, okay?

Jen

sweeterthenmost · 01-29-2003, 12:24 AM

Diana,
Darlin I think u are kicking urself enough, no one else needs to do that for u!

What u have gone through and continue to go through is a very tough and devestating situation. Something that many of us have also experienced, so even though it may seem as though u are alone in ur suffering, remember u are not

Each of us handles things differently, but I think more then anything its important for us to give ourselves permission to greive for our losses. Everyone greives in different ways, for different periods of time, and for different lengths of time. Whatever u are experiencing now is the way YOU handle this. Be kind to urself, be gentle with urself. Don't be ashamed or feel guilty for grieving - its a very normal and natural process. Its also a neccessary process to move on in ur life.

Don't overwhelm urself right now thinking about all the things u think are going wrong in ur life....if they are truley situations that need some work, they will be there when u go through what u are going through, and are strong enough to deal with them! Trust me on this one lol.

You sound like a wonderfully brave individual who I have no doubt, with time and patience, will come out on the other side.

Consider ur hand held

Pam

HISIRISHGEM · 01-30-2003, 03:03 AM

Diana,

We all seem to be tied to each other for a reason......I haven't been to this board in so long and something was drawing me here. I'm so sorry hunny for all of this!! I know those times of depression, the times when I can barely get out of bed because I don't want to face the world. I get so sick of fighting everyday.....I get so sick of dealing with the M/C and the struggles we tend to have on a daily basis.......but I want to love life, I want to be happy....I don't want to let the depression get the best of me. My faith comes strong during extreme times when I feel out of control. I just lean on God so much....and sometimes I get mad at Him because I can't understand why!! Yet I still feel His presence and know that He's there when no one else feels my pain and understands what I'm going through. I've had this great impatience with trying to get everything fixed overnight.....unfortunately it doesn't work that way.......and sometimes its not mine to fix.

It sounds like your pushing your pain aside to try to move through everything and maybe what you need is to cry out and Pam is right when she says you need to take time to grieve the loss......but DON'T YOU GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!! Just because things don't seem to be working out today, doesn't mean that the sun won't rise tomorrow without blessings for you!!

I refuse also to be put on meds for depression.....I'll tell you what is working for me, DH and I have started going to the YMCA and I've been pushing myself to walk/jog (at least sometimes) 5 days a week. I've been feeling so much better emotionally and though I'm extremely out of shape, I'm getting better physically, what I couldn't do two weeks ago, I can finally do now....and I'm still working. Are you on those vitamins?? Make sure your on Calcium and especially your Bcomplex vitamins...I feel EXTREMELY alive with them!

Also, I'm thinking of going to a counselor....sometimes we women need to work through so many things......and the way we work them out.......and pile on the work load, guilt, anger, and sadness...also worry (my specialty is worry) Its extremely UNHEALTHY and we need to work past those self-mutilating thoughts....If we can't be happy with ourselves....how can we be happy with everything else in our lives??

Diana, you have so many women on this website who have come to love and respect you......you are worth so much than your dishing out to yourself. Allow yourself to greive, give yourself special POSITIVE attention (go out and by yourself a new outfit, go out with the girls for tea or dinner and a movie ........and start fresh and new......get those test strips counted for during the afternoon, walk or exercise when you can and work through those feelings and ask yourself why you don't give yourself a break??

At certain times in our life....we consider ourselves living a happy life when things are going well. When things get rough and extremely out of control...most see it as being unhappy. What we need to know however, is that we need to find the happiness where we're at. I'm not sure if that makes much sense to you...I may sound like I'm rambling..but what everything boils down to is Your happiness depends on your outlook. When your depressed and your outlook isn't great.......push through it and find that VICTORY, because its there in the midst!

Love ya SC!
Rebekah

Brattyone · 01-31-2003, 08:30 PM

(((((Diane))))))
Don't be so hard on your self. Having a miscarriage is very painful honey and of course you'd be feeling the way you do. I won't kick you but I will give you a cyber hug.

I understand your pain

cystermoon · 02-07-2003, 04:34 PM

Diana

((HUGS)))

Speaking from someone trying to dig her ownself up out of the depression of my third and most recent loss, I can tell you that I know exactly how you feel and I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you are feeling.

I have stayed away from the board in my selfishness and grief and I see now that I should have been here seeking comfort in my cysters who are also suffering grief of a loss.

My m/c was in October and it has just taken me this long to be able not to cry at everything. Talk about blowing my diabetes off, I ate like a non-diabetic through the whole Thanksgiving/Christmas season. I rationalized it as comfort eating. I gained 10 pounds, and my blood sugar became a bit wacko, going from high to low. I didn't really care either. I was miserable because I lost my third child.

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, what you are feeling right now is perfectly acceptable and it doesn't always take a pill or some shrink to get back on your feet again. What it does take is time to allow yourself to heal.

With m/c people have a tendancy not to let you heal as long as if say you lost a mother or father. They don't think losing a baby that wasn't "born" as significant. Some people who have never experienced m/c can't understand how we can be attached to something we never held in our arms. What they don't realize is we held them in our hearts. And with the added problem of IF due to PCOS, we worked very hard TTC this child so it is like a double blow when they do not live for us to hold in our arms.

I want you to know you can PM me anytime. I may not have all the answers, but I do have a strong shoulder to lean on and I know that with my own grief still very real, it helps to have someone who understands your pain to talk to. God Bless...

DianaG · 02-16-2003, 04:02 PM

Thank you so much everyone! I am sorry I have been so quiet and didn't answer your posts. I was avoiding the boards for awhile while I worked on taking care of myself.

I am back to making sure I test at all the appropriate times, and I am eating my three meals a day. I sometimes skip my snack, but that is usually because I am running late from work.

I have been trying to keep super busy, so that I don't overthink things too much. My numbers have stopped going down and are leveled out. If they rise then my Dr. says it could be a molar pregnancy. I have prepared myself either way for whatever happens. I will find out after this coming Tues bloodtest.

I want to thank all of you so much for the cyber hugs and pep talk. I know how loving and strong all of you are and your help means so much to me and my well being.

I think I am pulling through the depression (although, I still have some anger issues to work through). However, my anger is now directed at my Dr and not myself, lol! If they had given me the D&C on Jan 4th like I wanted, then I wouldn't be going through this now. Again, though what is past is past and I can't change that and the more I realize this the better I am dealing with things.

My only depression symptom really still bothering me is I am having trouble sleeping. I am working on relaxation techniques to help with that, and I do seem to be able to function on 6 hours without getting tired at work.

Thank you again everyone!
hugs all around,
Diana

HISIRISHGEM · 02-16-2003, 05:52 PM

Love ya Sister!! We're all pulling for ya!!

cystermoon · 02-16-2003, 05:53 PM

Diane it is so good to see you back! You take as much time as you need. Nobody understands better than I do how difficult it can be to get back on your feet again. One step at a time. Remember there isn't a time table for grief, and being angry at the dr over being angry at yourself is very sound advice!

HISIRISHGEM · 02-16-2003, 05:58 PM

Just wanted to say Janet and Diane, Its comforting to know that the two of you have someone to lean on in your time of need. I'm sorry either of you had to go through what you did...and I pray for many miracles in your lives. You both have truely blessed my life, and have given me the courage to press on!!