Need to share my story with people who actually understand

CMM · 08-16-2006, 09:47 PM

Hi,
My name is Christy and I'll be 31 next month. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15. All of my life I was told it would be near impossible to get pg. My DH has been my bestfriend since I was 15. He had childhood cancer and was also told that the chemo and radiation had made him infertile. We finally got together in 1999 and neither of us was worried with birth control. We felt being pg would be a miracle and we would be ready if it happened. I have never had a normal cycle and often went months/years without AF.
I had AF in Aug 2002 and then nothing again until Dec 1, 2002. I thought I was having a horrendous AF until I started having contractions. I heard the little splash when the baby landed in the toilet. I know this is graphic, but no one wants to listen. Hope I haven't turned you off. If you want to switch threads now, I won't hold it against you. I saw the baby and in a complete panic I flushed. I feel so awful about that. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I still don't know what was going through my mind. Although I will say that at the time I worked in the ER and had witnessed doctors tellling women that they were having a mc and to take motrin and go home. I guess maybe I thought there was nothing that could be done, anyway. I saw my OB after that and she advised me that most first pgs are lost so not to worry.
We tried to gather a little hope from that and we started trying hard in 2005. Many absent periods and at least 30 negative preg tests. I had a HSG in Jan and was told that my left tube was completely blocked and my right tube was partially blocked. April 4th, 2006 I was visited by AF (first I've seen her since Oct 2005). On May 4th (AF due) I sat in the office with an assisted conception consultant (MD) to discuss IVF. We were officially on the list. AF never came in May and May 24th I had a positive pgtest.
We were beyond thrilled. I was scanned the following day and told we were 5 wks with a miracle (dr's words). I had another scan at 6 wks and started to spot. Spotted 2 wks but 9 wk scan proved all was well. The tech did mention that my ovaries were huge and it was truely a miracle that we had ever conceived in the first place. The 9 wk scan was the first time DH saw the baby. He started shopping around, looking at furniture and all the necessities. He would lean down and say to the baby 'Daddy has to go to work now, but remember Daddy loves you so much'. We picked out names. Everything was perfect. We were certain that on Jan 28, 2007 we would finally have the baby we wanted so much.
On July 11th I got up to go for another scan (11 wks) and found that I was bleeding heavily. I went to the ER, was scanned, and there was no heartbeat. The baby had died just after that 9wk scan. My world came crashing down. I had a D/C that night.
Why does everone tell you to be happy got got pg in the first place or that you can try again. All of those Fertile Myrtles out there just don't understand how hard TTC is for us cysters. They don't seem to see that we don't want another baby-- we wanted THAT baby. And what if it doesn't happen again? I really think nurses, midwives, OBs, anyone who comes into contact with pg women need to be taught about the emotional side of loss.
Not once was I told to use contraceptives or wait however many cycles to TTC. After the d/c I bled about 6 days and felt fine. I was even walking around right after I came out of the recovery room. I felt O pains about 2 1/2 weeks after and we started trying again (of course I've been told off for doing this by the midwife). I have read (probably way too much) on m/c and trying again and studies show that if you conceive after a m/c you have a 50% chance of a successful pregnancy. If the preg fails it does so b/c the lining is not built up enough and you m/c within the first few weeks. The way I see it, 50% is better than no chance at all.
Now, here I am 5 weeks from the m/c and still no AF. I have a scan tomorrow to see if anything is wrong or if (fingers crossed) I am pg again. I work in the lab at our local hospital with 4 other pg women. We had such a bond through our pregnancies and now all but one avoid me. Like either it's contagious or I'll fall apart around them. It hasn't been easy, of course, but it's harder when they hide things (most recently a series of 20 wk scans). Everyone keeps saying I can't replace the last baby with a new one (as if I don't know that), but the desire to have a baby is stronger than anything I've ever known. I want to be pg now! In the meantime, every teenager in my neighborhood is pg.
I know this is one long sob story/rant, but I really needed to get it out. No one wants to hear the dirt and the pain. I usually get a 'Oh, I know' with a pat on the back about 2 seconds into my story. If anyone out there wants to tell me that they know how I feel that's okay. I know you do-- unlike my sister-in-law with her FOUR boys!
Thanks for listening.
Christy

Crownline266 · 08-16-2006, 11:35 PM

Christy, wow, it's good to hear other people's stories! I totally understand about others not understanding what we're going through. My family (mom and sister) don't understand! My sister has had two m/cs (after her first and then after her last and is PG now) but doesn't have PCOS and has two healthy children. It's a long story but my mom, my sister and I aren't getting along because they don't understand where I'm coming from and my feelings on pregnancy and m/c with a medical problem. They are so quick to say "Oh, you're worrying too much" or "Stop trying so hard" but all their remarks and the drama they stir up is healthy?!

Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand and we are always here to listen and offer advice! My m/c was my first PG and I started spotting like you did. Went to the doctor right away and saw the HB and was told everything was fine, to continue my life as normal. About two weeks later I had a little cramping and the spotting was heavier. We went to the Women's Clinic (it's an ER for women's issues like these) and the doctor there assured us she saw the baby move and a HB...I even questioned her because I didn't see any movement on the screen or a HB. She said, "Would I lie to you about that?!" I was put on bedrest and told to follow up with my OB the next day. The next day I had an ultrasound and the baby had no HB and had stopped growing the week before. It's such an emotional roller-coaster. We are TTC again and hoping everything turns out good, but the doubt and the worry are still there.

I often think coworkers or others who have young children or who are pregnant don't know what to say to us. I have some friends who I think avoid the subject because they don't know what to say or how I will react. At times I don't know how I will react! So I hope some of this makes sense to you...we are here for you!!

RoxieInPa · 08-17-2006, 12:02 AM

{{{HUGS}}} I got that "Oh I know how you feel" from my MIL .... who NEVER had a m/c nor problems TTC (infact BOTH her children were an "OOPPSSS" baby) It STILL makes me mad 2 yrs later! (and 1 1/2 yrs later with my 2nd one) when I think about it

ChocFish · 08-17-2006, 02:23 AM

Christy, I can feel your pain through your words and I am so sorry you have had these experiences. I've found so much understanding and support on these boards and I hope you do too. These cysters are amazing and they truly do understand. (((Hugs))) I wish you all the best.

nicole47 · 08-17-2006, 02:34 AM

I'm so sorry. Your story has made me cry so much. Losing a child is probably the most horrible thing that can happen to a person and nobody should have to go through it. It isn't fair.

At least people aren't telling you that you *can* replace this baby with a new one-- I got some of those comments after my miscarriage.

SheriKCMO · 08-18-2006, 04:19 AM

I'm very sorry for your losses! I hope you can feel some hope in the stories around here. I wish you peace.

lovepotato · 08-24-2006, 11:28 PM

I've had people tell me, "well, you're young. You can have another one." I only think that it's going to be that much longer before I see my son again. Gee thanks, I probably have another 50 years to go.

People also tell me I worry too much. When you lose a baby, especially one you tried so hard for and wanted so much, you're going to worry with the next one. It's so hard losing one, let alone two, that you never want it to happen again.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know where you're coming from. You're not alone. I just think that if you haven't been in this situation, you don't understand it at all. I also think people say stupid things to make themselves feel better, because they're uncomfortable with pain and grief. Try not to take it personally. I know it's hard, and those words sound trite. But just ignore them, or say something back.

I hope talking to us helps. I know it helps a lot of us, and so does helping others.

TRYIN'4#2 · 08-24-2006, 11:47 PM

Christy.
I so understand I am only 25 yrs old I hear you are young it will happen. If only I could tell them to shut up!!LOL. Or the ever dreaded you are just trying to hard, stop and you'll probably get PG, Yeah right if you don't O you can't get pG,DUH!!! If you read the trying to Concieve after a loss most recent posts I am possibly going through another loss, I don't want to sound pessimistic but when you walk out of the OB/GYN office w/ the diagnosis of Threatned Abortion you feel like CRAP. I hate that word Abortion LIKE I CHOSE to do this.... Don't worry about the actions you took in your first pg, when you a shocked and scared you do things you wouldn't normally do. Belive me I feel a pang of guilt when I think about my ectopic pg because I had to take an injection to halt cell reproduction so it wouldn't burst my tube. I think of all the what if's and I felt like I had killed my own baby. No another child will not replace the previous one but it gives me a goal to keep striving for to oneday hold a baby in my arms.

Good luck on the scan and keep us posted.
Jamie

HannahE · 08-30-2006, 03:33 PM

Christy -
I completely understand about needed someone to listen to all the details. I miscarried a little over a week ago and had a D&C (I was 13 weeks) so that I wouldn't have to wait for the baby to pass. Turns out the OB didn't get everything and a few days later I passed what was definately a little body with arms and legs.
I'm working hard to remember that people only say the stupid, thoughtless things because they just don't know what to say. And, like Julie, I can react differently at any given time, so there's no predicting.
Anyway, I think this is a great place to get some support - I'm so glad I found it!
Hannah

Crownline266 · 08-30-2006, 05:21 PM

Hanna, (((HUGS))). Oh, you poor thing! I couldn't imaging seeing the baby. I was thinking about that last night when I went to bed actally...I don't know what made me think of it. I remember when I was spotting and then I started cramping and bleeding more, I would (TMI) lose clots and would feel the clots in the toilet to make sure there wasn't a baby in there. I mean, how sad is that? The things we go through are unreal. I couldn't imaging seeing a fetus. You are in my thoughts and prayers!! ((hugs again!!))

CMM · 09-25-2006, 12:14 AM

Thank you all so much for the support. The scan was cancelled b/c AF showed up that morning. I am just coming off of AF again now, so that's 2 cycles with nothing. I don't think it ever gets easier. I swear. I have so many days that I'm fine and then bam! Here comes a diaper commercial and I just sit and sob. The other day I was at work, for all intents and purposes trapped, in the tea room while everyone Oohed and Awwed over the other two girls in my department because they were also on their breaks and their little ones were doing somersaults. You could actually see the movement through their shirts. I just wanted to run crying from the room. I didn't of course. Instead I just sat with my head down and couldn't look at anyone.
I asked to see the baby. The staff was a bit shocked, but the pathologist knows me well, so I think he probably expected it. It was so beautiful, so tiny. It had the most amazing little hands! I know it seems weird, but I sat at work every day knowing it was in the next room and I just needed to see it. It was much smaller than the first one, so I am certain the first was 11 weeks. I feel better thinking maybe the week isn't a factor. I also think after the first experience I needed a less traumatic 'closure'.
It just seems like there are so many things against me right now. It's near impossible to get PG, but then it's harder still to stay PG. Meanwhile nearly everyone around me is planning their nursery or walking around with a beautiful bump. I wish I could just stay in the house forever and never go out.
I finally had a follow up with my gynae last week. He is going to run a clotting study on me b/c I was diagnosed with Von Willebrand's Disease at 18 (I don't clot well and bleed for ages). I have only recently found studies that prove that women with VWD have a tendency to mc in the first 12 weeks. After that I'll have another painful HSG. If my tubes are, in fact, unblocked from the last HSG, he is going to start me on Clomid & Metaformin. I don't know how long this will all take, but the NHS isn't exactly speedy. I think the clotting study will be done faster, though, since I work in the lab. My co-workers know how delicate I am right now and I don't think they'll make me wait long. Out of fear if nothing else. Lately these people have seen a whole new side of me.
To make matters worse, my DH has informed me that we must move (for his job) at the end of the year and therefore give away my beloved dog, Jet, and kitten, Piper. Needless to say, I haven't needed baby commercials to set me off this week.
The only real progress seems to be the fact that I haven't cried once since getting on this forum today. Usually I bawl through all of the posts. That's something. Thanks again for the REAL support.
Christy

ShaylaMomto3 · 09-26-2006, 12:59 AM

Christy, I wish you all the best.

Your story has really touched my heart and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. stay strong and have faith.

SheriKCMO · 09-26-2006, 03:35 AM

christy, i'm sorry ttc takes us cysters such a long time! you might do well with the meds as so many have. nothing will ever replace you tiny ones, but your heart can be overflowing with a family to keep, and it can help you heal.

i wish you the best!

~Tasha~ · 09-28-2006, 12:48 AM

Christy I am so sorry for what you have gone through.

I saw my little one when he/she was born at 9 weeks. So tiny in my hand. Then my 19 weeks loss I was able to hold him.

I so hope that you will be able to hold a baby in your arms.

Tashou · 10-02-2006, 07:21 AM

Hello there... I read your story and feel your pain. I feel the same way you do. I can tell you that it feels better to hear from a person going through your experience. I recently lost a 1 month old child... It is hard every day... You just have to pray, ask that GOD will give you the strength that you need to endure this trail. Pray in his name that he will bless you with a child. Don't be discouraged by time.. keep praying he hears.. he listens... and he moves.