need some advice about mother's adopted son

nellie · 06-28-2003, 12:28 PM

hi there. another "just need to get this out" thing. ok, first a bit of background. when my mum was 20, she had to give a son up for adoption. for 34 years she has regretted that decision. in 1997, my sis tried to find him for contact. the social worker found him but he didn't want any contact. we closed that chapter in our lives.

last month, the same social worker contacted my mum and sis and said that "R" is now ready for contact. they have both had a meeting with the social worker,who warned them NOT to get too excited about this as it might work out, but it might not. but thats exactly what they have done. without knowing how far this is going to go, they have told everyone they know about it, even just work colleagues who don't know the full story. what they going to do if it doesn't work out. they will have to go back round all these people and tell them it hasn't worked out.

they have also received a letter and photos from him, and they have both wrote back.

now the problem! in their letters, they both gave their email addresses. that was only last week. trouble is now, every spare 5 minutes my mum is checking her email "just in case". i appreciate she is excited/scared/nervous etc but i feel she has no time for me or my dad now, who by the way was not the biological father so is not really getting involved. since this all started, all she will discuss is "R". i have tried to tell her that i refuse to get my hopes up coz it might not work out for the best. i'm lucky that in this case, i can shut all feelings out of the equation.

even though i have told her this, she insists in talking to me constantly about it. i don't mean to be rude but i'm not interested at the moment. i feel that now he has come along, everything and everyone else have been cast aside. all her priorities have changed. this sounds like i am so jealous and yes maybe a part of me is, but i'm just so worried for her. for all she knows, he could only want details of his father and then walk out our lives just as quick as he walked in!!!

i guess i'm looking for advice. i feel this is starting to make me "cold" towards my mum. i've given up trying to talk to her coz like i say, she just isnt interested.

am i being a cow about this? am i letting my jealousy come into it? i just don't know what to do 4 the best. i know this is a bit of a rant but the reason i have put it in the "depression" section is that i thought i was getting over my depression. but now i feel i'm just getting so low again. a mixture of this and the last thread i posted. i'm due back at my work on monday (in 2 days) and i really don't feel ready. help me please.

nellie · 06-28-2003, 12:38 PM

i forgot to mention, coz i have been so depressed, i have been off for nearly 3 months. got a letter in saying my pay will be cut if i don't go back. thats why i am trying to go back on monday. anyway, the reason this is relevant is, my mum told me her and my dad would support me if i felt i couldn't go back at all and had to resign. i said i would manage but then started to think its not such a bad idea. but that has also now changed. my sis's car broke down and my mum and dad have decided they will pay for it to be fixed. £1600!!! they are taking a loan out for it coz they don't have any spare cash so even if i wanted to take them up on their offer, there's no way they could afford it.

am i being too sensitive or has all this with her son brought her and my sis closer together coz they want to get in contact with him???

SheriKCMO · 06-29-2003, 11:49 PM

Hi Nellie,
I really think that you should try to help your mother at this fragile moment in her life, after all, helping others is great therapy! She needs to know that you love her, regardless of your hesitation about this meeting. Imagine the pain and emptiness that she has felt for so many years. Now that she feels that she must meet this son to make her life complete, you should try to be there for her, no matter what happens. It can be a very pleasant feeling to know that he is alright, and then they might not need to have much contact.
As for work, I really think it will be good for you to stand on your own two feet. You sound like you are able to try it and see. The more independent you are financially, the better you will feel.
Good luck to you,
Sheri

curlygrrl · 07-03-2003, 06:21 PM

I am an adoptee and reuinited with my birth family about four years ago. I think your mother's excitement and obsession will pass in time. I can remember feeling the same way when my bmom first contacted me. My husband was really supportive. My adoptive parents were very leary and a little upset.

All I can say now is, I still don't know where it will all lead. We don't have frequent contact. It is a very hard road to hoe but I think it is worth it. I feel like my whole life and self image have been wrapped up in this whole adoption thing and coming to know my birth family was therapeutic in some ways.

Sorry for the babbling. Try to stay strong during this time and understand, as you even said yourself, your mother has looked forward to this moment for 34 years. But also remember that it is only a moment.

((Hugs))
Tamara

Vanessa · 07-08-2003, 07:23 PM

My mother also gave up a son for adoption when she was 18 and my other 2 siblings and I didn't know about it until I was 26 years old. Neither my sister nor I wanted anything to do with her son as we felt that since we didn't grow up with him or even know that he existed until we were all adults, he wasn't really our "brother" in the true sense of the word as that would indicate some sort of relationship. There were also a lot of other really complicated circumstances around the whole thing but suffice it to say that the truth wasn't told and I haven't spoken to my parents since. I can certainly understand you feeling resentful towards your mother all of a sudden putting all her focus on this other person as I felt very resentful over my mother protecting her son's feelings over my and my other siblings right to know we had another sibling out there even if we never met him. It is very difficult to deal with these situations and I am sure your mother has a very romanticized version of how things will go all built up in her head and I hope she isn't terribly disappointed but it will probably not go quite as well as she thinks as he will not look at her as his mother like his adoptive mother. As for finances, if you can at all avoid borrowing money, do so as it creates such awkwardness between people. I really hope you can find the strength you need to get back to work and deal with all the stresses life seems to be throwing at you.

nellie · 07-08-2003, 07:26 PM

thank you very much ladies, especially vanessa. you seem to put all my feelings into words easily. things have went extremely quiet so guess we will just need to wait and see. x

Lendi · 07-12-2003, 09:06 AM

Hi, I hear your pain. I'm so very sorry. I did just want to add, to the other great advice you have received, one thing. A mother's love in not conditional. Nor can it be taken away. It can expand to grow and grow. Your mother doesn't love you less. She has the capacity to love all of her children, and he is another child. The newness will wear down. Your bond is still there. Try to join her happiness, you may find a treasure chest of your own in a new brother. Hugs, Lendi