In need of some support and understanding.

foxykir · 12-29-2006, 04:34 PM

Hi ladies. I suppose what I realy need to do is rant. I just need some help hear, need someone to understand. And if any of you have been in similar situations, please give me some advice.

My son Zach is 2 1\2 (wel he'll be 3 early next year) anyway, he's said some things that have allarms going off for me.

Let me start by explaining that both my kids stay at my fiance's parents one friday every month their his "nanna and grandpa" and at my moms another friday a month, their called "granny and granddad". however in November they spent alot of time at one parent or the other as I had Meningitus, so they were helping out. So one friday they were at my moms, on the saterday they saw their nanna. Zach out of the blue said to her that his "willie" was sore, she asked why and he said it was because "granddad touches it". that week I was in hospital and nanna said nothing to me because she initially thought that maybe it was innocent and she's missinturpeted it. however the next week, same story they saw her the day after seeing my mom and this time he told her.." No granddad, don't touch my willy!" She said that was a good boy and what did granddad do, he showed her that he pretended to cry. she then asked if he told granny, and he said that it is a secret. (this alarms me as my 2 year old does not know secret. ) anyway, she told my fiance on a thursday he said that he'll watch him to see if the two of them arn't reading to much into things. sunday morning Zach told his dad (my fiance) that granddad pinches his willy and then had his pants off and showed him what he meant. Thats when W (my fiance) told me. I got to work monday morning and instantly got phoning around for a child psycologist, and got him an appointment for the next day. in the mean time I contacted the babysitter to find out if theres been any changes in his behavour at school. found out he's been screaming awake at nap times and has been verry needy and clingy.

I decided that although this is serious, I also have to respect that I could be destroying a man for something innocent, and I also had to be sencitive to the fact that the implications were by far greater for my mother than for me. So I decided against accusing him, and rather chose to have my mom over and explain it purley factually and then inform her that for the time being her husband isnt alloud neer the kids and neather are nanna and grandpa.

My problem is since then, my mother has actually been hassaring me and fighting me like you canot believe. the day after telling her she went to a lawyer then threatened to sue me. the same day I told her she dissrespected me as a parent and actually brought her husband over . Zach said he needed to pee and "granddad" took him into the toilet, W went in and told him to get out and eventually my mom went in and pulled him out. but we still appologized to "granddad" for the crap.

since then I've tried to make things ok. I wen't there and thought everything was as sorted as it can get for now. But the day befor Christmas W's parents get a letter saying their being sued for 100 grand! for defremation of charecture. I've since cut out my mom. my heart is broken! I feel she's so selfish that now she won't descuss any of this, because she keeps saying legally she cant, that now I'll never goet to the bottom of this. I'll never know what happened to my little boy.

thanks for reading this far, I know theres nothing any of you can do, but was I wrong in how I handled it? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just not coaping well with all this stress!

thanks Kirsty

jenpalmer71 · 12-29-2006, 04:55 PM

Wow. My sister is a social worker and I asked her about this. She said that VERY VERY VERY rarely will someone as young as 2 or 3 make this up. Children do not have the mind to say such things at this young age if it isn't happening to them. As a past victim of sexual abuse myself (my grandfather molested me when I was very young) all I can say to you is that it shouldnt matter what the implications are against anyone else. Although I understand what you are saying, the scars your son will face will be lifelong. You do not want him to be placed in that situation to be further abused. Also, my sister said a huge warning sign is a change in behavior which you are describing at the babysitter. I would not only look into a child psychologist but also the police department immediately. Better to be wrong (although it sure doesnt sound like you are!) than have someone hurting your son. Best of luck to you and please let us know what develops.

HOLLAND · 12-29-2006, 04:58 PM

That's a hard one!! I think though if it was me I would want to take it further. The reason I say that is because my sister had almost the same thing happen to her as a child. She had major issues with it when she got older. My mom and dad wished so much that they had known what was going on so they could have protected her.

foxykir · 12-29-2006, 06:04 PM

W and myself have had it out with my mother and her husband and told him that because of the way he's been fighting us and disrespecting us as parents, he wont see the kids again regardless of weather he did anything or not. I agree, I don't think it's ossible for a 2 to 3 year old to make this stuff up. The psycologist said the same thing. However I didn't go straight to the police (i wish i had) because I though that it was possible that it was a situation ware he helped Zach pee and shook it for him and it stood out in Zach's mind because nobody else has done that. My son has such a good vocablury, but just not enough, and he's just not old enought to knoe "good touches, bad touches" yet that the information coming from him is hard to decifer. I'm going with him, but what's getting to me is my family not understandingthat I have to. I'm also feeling so torn because now my side of the family is sueing W's family and I'm in the middle. I can't take the guilt trips and fighting. I wish my mother would put me and my son befor this man that she's only known 6 years. And understand that I'm only accusing him as far as I have to but not outright saying "you did it" to spare her feelings. She has decided that I'm lieing to hurt her and destroy her marrage, and that "nanna" is lieing to, but wont stop to consider that the words came from his mouth and that must be taken seriously.

at Zach's 2nd appointment he did infact play out a situation with the Dr. however it was such a shaded thing that it can be taken any number of ways. She reckons he was touched, weather it was intentional or unintentional we'll now never know.

I feel so betraied and let down by my mom and I feel as though my son has been let down by her too and that hurts me the most.

Thank you for your replies, theres realy noone else I could turn to, I aperciate the support more than I can express.

ajhyer · 12-29-2006, 07:25 PM

I am sorry to hear that. This is a touchy situation and I don't think I would have handled it any differently than you did. You did what you thought was best for your family. I agree that your mom should put you and your son first, it sucks that she doesn't.

I also wanted to give you some (((((HUGS))))). I hope you and your family can get through this!

foxykir · 12-30-2006, 04:53 AM

thanks for the hugs!
I'm feeling a whole lot better this morning, just from sharing whats going on. you ladies are great!

Pandora1151 · 01-02-2007, 02:07 PM

You are doing the right thing by keeping your mom's husband away from your son. Unfortunately, it is common for family members to react the way yours are reactin. I have experienced this in my family as well as studied it when I was going to school for psychology. One of my uncles molested me and 14 of my cousins. My father's entire side of the family lived in one neighborhood when I was growing up. When I told on my uncle at age 15, it was swept under the rug. When one of my cousins molested his own niece (the story was almost exactly identical to yours except the sex of the child, even the words the baby used to describe what happened - because it was a girl, there was physical evidence that was ignored by the family), my aunt and uncle (cousin's parents) reacted with anger, denial, accusations, personal attacks & threatened lawsuits. I stood up for my 2 year old 2nd cousin and the rest of the story about what my other uncle did to us all came out in the open again, only in more detail. Several of my cousins came forward to back me up, but some of them (the molesting uncle's children) were extremely angry & totally denied all of it. One of his daughters even wanted to physically fight me to defend her dad. Literally half of my family turned their backs on me. I was accused of trying to get attention, of being literally crazy, of being a liar, You name it. Nothing was ever done against my cousin or my uncle. Now, I am known as the one who tore my family apart, even by those who originally supported me. The worst part is that nobody ever believed my 2 year old cousin except her mom (who ended up saying she made a big deal out of something that was *probably* innocent) and me. Her uncle, my cousin, is still allowed around his niece & most other kids in my family (not mine since then). My uncle who molested all of us is still allowed to babysit his grandkids & be around almost all the kids in my family (never mine since they were born). Even my father, who claimed to support me & have a new outlook on incest, said there was no way he believed my cousin could do a thing like that & the girl's mother was probably trying to stir up trouble. Like you pointed out about your family, the girl's mom didn't say it, THE 2 YEAR OLD SAID IT!!! I'm sorry, there is just no denying that.

My dad changed his mind about how to react to those situations though. About 5 years later, I was talking to my son & daughter about why we don't associate with certain members of my family & I mentioned what my cousin did to his niece & how as soon as I found out about that, I stopped taking my own kids around that aunt, uncle & cousin. My daughter looked at me with pure shock on her face & my son started looking worried & fidgeting. Suddenly my daughter started crying and hyperventilating & my son started comforting her & saying now was the time to tell me. She told him to go ahead because she couldn't talk. Turns out, my cousin also molested my daughter at the same time he was molesting his niece. My son was the only one she told & she made him swear to never tell anyone. She was 4 and he was 7 when it happened to her. Around that time, I noticed how he started acting responsible for her & even had a talk w/him about how he was her brother, not her dad. I had asked them if my cousin ever did anything like that to them back then & they both denied it convincingly, just like I used to be able to deny it convincingly & the rest of my family was able to deny it convincingly. It's natural to react with disbelief and caution because it's built into our psyche to do so. It's called dissociation. Do not doubt your son's words & actions even if your gut tells you otherwise or you will regret it.

Pandora1151 · 01-02-2007, 03:40 PM

I just want to add that in the future, the most important thing to your son will be that he was believed and protected. If I was you, I would call the police & protective services and file a report. My little cousin's mom did that & they told her they couldn't prosecute because they could not put a 2 year old on the stand. When I found out about my daughter, I did it too but they told me too much time had passed and her testimony would not be credible. Even though we were not able to prosecute him, by filing the report w/protective services, it is on record that a complaint of this nature was made against him. He will not be able to get a job working w/children that is regulated through the state and if anyone else ever tries to prosecute him, they will have a better chance than if we hadn't filed those reports. Also, your stepdad & mom's over-reaction by filing a lawsuit is another indicator of his guilt. If what happened was nothing, why are they going through so much trouble to cover their tails legally? You really should do what you can to prosecute him or at least get this on record. How will you feel if he does it to a future niece or nephew? Believe me, these things don't happen in "isolated" incidents. My youngest cousin, who was only 2 when I told on my uncle at age 15, came to me a couple years ago and cried and poured her heart out about how she wished she had known what had happened to me & how I tried to tell on him (she was told I was ostracized because I was a crazy troublemaker). I barely know her, but she says she feels a stronger connection to me than anyone. She was the one who finally convinced her parents what our uncle did to us, even though they will never believe their own son also does it. She has a lot of rage at her parents (her brother is the one who molested his & her niece) because they didn't believe me and turned their backs on me, but if they had believed me and done something about it, our uncle would not have molested her too. (Also, he may not have molested her brother or at least it would have been caught at a very young age and he may have never grown up to molest his own niece.) Shortly after everything died down from my "tattling" (when she was around 3), he began molesting her too. I know how hard it is to accept, believe, and take action against incest. When I found out about my daughter, even with my background, my first inclination was disbelief. I had to talk myself through every step. You are always told to trust your gut, but with really horrible things, your gut will deceive you as a way of protecting you. It's a natural defense mechanism. Also, filing a report about this man will help your future in-laws as well. You should be turning to them and vice versa for support. Forget about sparing your mother's feelings - spare your son and all the other children in your family!

lachicarubia · 01-02-2007, 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxykir

Zach out of the blue said to her that his "willie" was sore, she asked why and he said it was because "granddad touches it". that week I was in hospital and nanna said nothing to me because she initially thought that maybe it was innocent and she's missinturpeted it. however the next week, same story they saw her the day after seeing my mom and this time he told her.." No granddad, don't touch my willy!" She said that was a good boy and what did granddad do, he showed her that he pretended to cry. she then asked if he told granny, and he said that it is a secret. (this alarms me as my 2 year old does not know secret. )

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and your son. My heart is really aching. It also makes me very angry.

You don't get a sore willy just by shaking after going pee!!!!!!!!
And you don't ask kids to keep it a secret if you are just helping them use the bathroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with the PP, your child is more important that sparing your mom or dad's feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please make sure he continues to get counciling, and file that police report. Ask around, find out if Granddad has had any other contact with any other children. Your son might not be the only victim.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

junior_j · 01-02-2007, 04:13 PM

aww im really sorry your going through this. If you want a shoulder to cry on or some one to talk to then im here, im probably not much help but im here. My family had this huge situation thing my mum and dads marrage went down the drain for 6 months

i was 10 so only 4 years ago but it was horrible but now everything straightend obviously your situation is a lot more complecated and hard. Hugs x

Pandora1151 · 01-02-2007, 05:04 PM

I'm sorry I bombarded you with all that info about my family when you must be beside yourself. I just wanted you to know that your family isn't out of the ordinary in their reaction and I wanted to show you how important it is that you keep protecting your son. Also, please know that you aren't alone. When your family attacks you for protecting your child, it is a lonely time. Just be strong and keep coming to people who understand your position. You have done great so far and you are very good parents. I get worked up when I hear about people like your stepfather wiggling their way out of responsibility for what they have done because it's so easy to play on other's defense mechanisms. I've been on both sides of this type of thing so I understand where you are coming from and I also understand where your son will be coming from when he's older. Keep up the good work!

PBLayzod · 01-02-2007, 05:55 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know the lawsuit must be scary, but to win a defemation suit they'll need to show they they were effected financially or their standing in the community was effected. It doesn't sound like this has gone beyond the immediate family. Also, they'd need to prove it was a false allegation. It sounds like you've covered your bases on this one, too. Also, the g-mother waited until several indications of abuse before saying anything so it's not like she rushed to judgement. What everyone has said is right, your son is too young to make this up. Something happened, but you may never know exactly what or how many times.

It's unfortunate that this happens so much in families. It seems even more common in step-families. For some just the removal of blood relationship is enough to make it "okay" behavior for some. It's understandable that your mother doesn't want to believe this happened. She may never be convinced. This is true even though it's possible she witnessed the events. None of us would want to believe our husband was capable of such a thing. Your son is your responsiblity, not your mother. It sounds like you know that. Good luck.

If things continue to escalate you may need the added protection of filing a report with the police or Child Welfare. Even if nothing comes of it, you might need to have a record of such a report for future use. Also, be sure to let the babysitter and any daycare know that the g-parents are not allowed contact. When he begins school you'll want to let them know as well. You don't have to give a reason.