Needed to vent

Elle123 · 10-15-2003, 02:05 PM

Ok so yea i am sorry i havent been extremely active just a nervous wreck i guess u might say.

Ok well in my situation my family who knows about my PCOS duh and te friends who i have told, they keep saying oh it isnt obvious u only think that cuz u kno u have it so u go directly to the side effects u kno u have. (did that like make any sense at all?)

Ok well i finally accepted that. I mean well the 3 side effects i have mainly is 1) being fat (i hate the term overweight, like who the hell decided to make up a weight that i supposedly am over? ok lol anyway) 2) dark spots on my face which makes me look dirty even though i do take showers every day 3) my hair is extremely thin and i cant part it in the middle, or else i'll look like a cancer patient (that wasnt meant to offend but jus tto give u guys a visual). Ok and i k no u guys are prob thinking yea these things are bad but not so bad, well having these dark spots and your hair like this starting at 13 (my dx age) and all through my teenage years (am 19 now) it made my body image and self esteem problem grow extremely. I couldnt make my hair all pretty or anything because it would look like i was bald.

ok back on topic. So i finalyl accepted what my friends and family had said that it was just noticeable to me cuz i knew it was there. Well yesterday i went to therapy (am in therapy for having BPD, OCD, and PTSD and being a cutter on top of PCOS, am i not the lucky one or what?) So therapy was going great my therapist was well counselling me duh and then 10 minutes before the session was over she goes can i ask u something and now what am i supposed to say no? so of course i said yes and hse asked if i pulled my hair.(i kno i shouldnt have taken it the way i did because it is an ocd thing and she knows i have ocd) i took it really badly. Of course i didnt let her kno how she made me feel, i was crying on the inside. If she needed to ask the question it meant she could tell, i felt like a knife went straight through me. Now my self esteem and body image problems are higher then even before because no one had ever pointed it out to me that they noticed everything had just been in my head. I cant stop thinking that my family and friends were just trying to be nice and lying to me, but now i dont feel like i can trust anyone. and i jsut want to stay locked up in my room and i feel like crap (partially cuz of BPD but whatever).
Again i am 19 years old, no wonder i have never been asked out. who would want a dirty (not really but it seems), fat, balding girl, who also wear glasses and has all the mental problems as well as scars all over her body? when they can have someone who doesnt have all of that or at least not everything. I really dont see any point in any of this.
Almost all of my scars were done over me hating the way i look, therefore PCOS is partially to blame, because of the scars/cuts i have thrown away the chances of being what i want to be when i grow up...

i wanted to be a deaf education teacher and have wanted to be that since i was 5. Who is going to hire a teacher who has scars all over her body especially her arms? no one cuz duh the teacher needs to be able to sign and i cant scare the kids.

The other thing that has kept me going is me being a mom, but now i see my chances are like slim according to this site, which again is a knife in my heart.
I don't understand why i was given all of these problems when other people dont have any. It isnt fair and i kno life isnt fair, but this is just too much.

I used to beleive in God but i stopped, because if i let myself believe in Him then i have to believe he chose to give me these problems, for what entertainment purposes on his part? If i believed in Him then i would have to believe that i was not meant to be happy because everything i've wanted is being taken away from me, because every time i am slightly happy something bad happens.

I am only 19 i shouldnt have to be dealing with all of this. I think i have gone through/going through more then most people will ever have to go through their whole lives. 19 and on 13 pills a day because of everything i have. 13 pills that i will be taking for the rest of my life, and when i get older will probably need to take more.

I'm just having trouble with all of this. I keep asking myself why. why put myself through all of this?

I'm sorry for bothering all of u please dont hate me, i have enough people hating me.

Elle

I kno this is a lesbian and bi board, but i jsut felt more comfortable posting it here then the depression board. I am bi so i thought it might be ok.

scorpiogrl7 · 10-15-2003, 11:37 PM

First of all, don't get so down on yourself! You sound like you are a lovely person, both inside and out, and I am sure there are many people who love you (and many people you haven't met yet who will love you).

Did you know PCOS causes depression? I guess that's kind of obvious, duh. That may be half of your problem.

What meds are you on for the PCOS? I don't have the hair loss problem myself (have too much of it, in the wrong places), but I know of many cysters on here who take spiro and have good results with that. Also, some BCP's supposedly help with hair loss.

Don't think you can't be what you want to be just because you are having difficulties now. If you want to be a teacher for deaf kids, you go right on and be one. I don't think the kids will be scared of you. If it really bothers you, wear long sleeves.

As for being a mom, yes, most women with PCOS have a hard time getting pregnant. But most of the women who do go into fertility treatment do end up with babies. There is no reason to think you won't be a mother someday, if that is what you want.

As for your not trusting people because of what your therapist said: yes, maybe your family and friends said they couldn't tell, but I am sure they did not mean to hurt you. I have put on about 35 pounds since just before my diagnosis, and my wife says she can't tell I have gained any weight. I think our families get used to seeing us and don't notice things, and they also know you on the inside and so they don't notice if something is unusual on the outside.

I hope that made sense. It did to me.

I feel so bad for you. I know that it seems like you are very alone and you are just miserable, but you aren't alone. You have to put things in perspective. You could have some awful, horrible disfiguring disease. You could be missing a limb. You could weigh 500 lbs (no offense to anyone who does. I weigh plenty myself!).

If the thin hair bothers you that much, I would suggest Nioxin shampoo (you can get it at the salon) and asking about spiro. The weight thing is a hard issue to deal with; I struggle with it, too, but it is never as bad as you think. Most people aren't stick thin, and they aren't meant to be. Don't shop at stores where the sizes stop at 10 or 12 and you will feel much better.

((((hugs))))

Elle123 · 10-16-2003, 12:23 AM

I didnt write that for anyone to feel sorry for me. I dont need people feeling sorry for me. I feel sorry enough for myself without having other people feel sorry for me.

And u dont get it i am huge, i work out 3 days a week for an hour and a half each day at a gym doing classes there, i eat healthy as well. But that is what i have to do to keep my weight at what it is. All my antidepressants, they make me gain weight, before i figured out what was causing my weight gain i gained 20lbs in um 3 months i think. I just wanna be ok.

I am never going to be ok i have to come to terms with that i kno, things will get better or so everyone keeps telling me, still waiting to see that one, how can i go back down the ladder if my feet havent left the ground? (not sure if that made sense it did in my head)

WIth the teaching thing even if i wear long sleeves, when u sign a lot of the time your arms are vertical therefore the sleeves falling down, and that would only be a problem if i got that far. Most school in order to teach in u have to fill out all this stuff and they ask if u have ever been in a psych ward and all those kinds of questions. I would never make it past that point. TOo much has happened to me. jsut too freaking much.

WIth the hair thing, i get injections in my head every 2 months, yea they are a ton of fun. i am on glocuphage and ortho cyclen for PCOS. and then for my other "f*ck ups" i am on lamictal, and wellbutrin.

"it is never as bad as you think" yea most of the time it is worse. it is too hard having people look at me the wya these people do.

even if someone gets past my weight my hair loss problem, and my dark spots (rare but um lets say it could happen) no one will want to deal with someone with all the mental problems as i do. Oh yea those scars all over my body, those are hot, um not. why would they? why should they?

that is it right? i am being selfish by asking someone to love me, because i am asking them to love somehting that is simply unloveable, to put up with something that they shouldnt have to

http://www.geocities.com/meweird2002...?1060789711279

that is a pic of me last dec, so it is almost a year old.

would really like someone who doesnt mind having to put up with me maybe to talk to here through one of the messengers?

Elle
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

scorpiogrl7 · 10-21-2003, 12:56 AM

Well, I didn't mean to imply that I felt sorry for you. I didn't respond to your post out of pity.

Secondly, you are not huge. You may be smaller than I am, from the looks of your picture.

I didn't notice any thinning hair or dark spots, either.

I know you don't want to hear it, but things WON'T always seem so hard.

I would be happy to chat with you, and in your words, "put up with you".

You can IM me by clicking on the icon below my posts.