Never in a million years did I think I would be joining this forum...

[Kibbie]

With all due respect to the wonderful women in this forum, I never wanted to be posting here. But here I am, so I hope you have room for one more. I just experienced my first miscarriage yesterday, at 7 weeks. I don't really have it in me yet to go over all the details again, but I posted about my whole pregnancy/fear of miscarriage/and actual miscarriage on the pregnancy board as it was happening.

http://www.soulcysters.net/showthrea...threadid=81391

http://www.soulcysters.net/showthrea...threadid=82357

I don't know if I feel better today or not. I couldn't wait to go to bed last night because I just wanted May 6th to END and go away. Of course we didn't end up going to bed until almost midnight because DH was building a new computer on our bed of all places.

DH has been such a sweetheart, as much as that man irks me on a regular basis with small day-to-day crap...(he still can't manage to put his dirty clothes in the hamper after 2 1/2 years of marriage)...he really is a wonderful husband. For some strange reason, I don't want to leave his side, and I hated that he had to go to work today. I feel like a horrible mother (and I HATE to admit this to ANYBODY), I want to have time with DH more than anybody else, even Caden. I don't know if it's because the baby I lost was *our* baby, and since Lee was the other parent I feel like he shares my grief...or if it's because he's giving me comfort and care, and I just don't feel like having to give comfort and care to anyone else, even Caden. Caden is being cared for, of course...but my heart isn't in it right now.

I wasn't able to eat much yesterday, so I figured I might as well start dieting and exercising. DH made me some "dinner" last night (well, a DH version of dinner, AKA "sandwich"), but I couldn't finish it. In lieu of eating, I smoked 6 cigarettes between yesterday and last night, mostly out of anger because I COULD. (How whacked is that?) Then this morning after the "morning after guilt" hit, I forbid myself to start that disgusting habit again. I blew the dust off of Caden's barely used stroller, and took him for a few spins around the neighborhood before breakfast. The poor kid was probably confused...he was probably wondering why the "car" he was in was so low to the ground and didn't have any windows. (Okay, I'm exaggerating...but it has been quite a while since our last walk). After breakfast I pushed him in his swing for a while, and then I insisted he have his nap a little earlier than usual - I needed some alone time.

My mom and dad have both already said a couple things that upset me (not intentionally of course). I e-mailed my dad last night with the news (tact-less, I know) because I can't talk about it without bursting into tears right now, and his reply was:

Sweetheart

I am so sorry, but it is not the end of the world you can and will have another baby. I am feeling 99% better I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for my 1000 mile check up.

ALL MY LOVE

Dad

And even though I know my poor dad meant well (he's kind of a dolt when it comes to female feelings), telling me it's not the end of the world, I can have another baby...and then changing the subject really upset me. Okay dad, I'll just get pregnant with a replacement baby ASAP, that will make everything better. Granted, he was in the hospital last week....so his health news is important to me, but I'm too irrational and touchy to view his e-mail as anything other than a change of subject stemming from disinterest. And then my mom and I were talking about lunch plans, and she said "Since you're not pregnant anymore, you can have deli meat again, right?) Thanks mom, yeah...and I can smoke again if I want, or have a margarita, or run around in an x-ray lab without a lead apron on if I want...who cares, I'm not pregnant anymore!!

Yes, I'm being a silly, self-centered, irrational little b*tch...but I can't seem to stop feeling this way. And since I can't express my feelings to my family, I'm writing about them with the hope of getting these feelings off my chest. Anyone who has read this far, thank you for bearing with me!

Since I couldn't suction-cup myself to DH today, I had big plans for housework. So far all I've done is clean up Caden's breakfast mess, and re-wash and re-fabric soften a load of laundry that sat too long in the washer. After my feeble attempts at housework, I decided it wasn't distracting me enough...so I figured I would just sit down and write, write, write. For some reason, writing has made me feel better...and I don't even feel like I have anything worthwhile to write about, I just want to keep writing.

I have so many questions in my mind about my miscarriage...did the flu and fever I had at the very beginning of my pregnancy cause it? Was I taking enough Prometrium? Am I being punished for the argument I had with DH a couple weeks back, when I told him (in a pregnant hormonal fury) that it would probably be better if I wasn't pregnant, because I didn't know how on earth I would be able to afford to be a single mother of two children, and I had just about had it with him. I regretted my words and the whole argument immediately, and even prayed to God for forgiveness for saying such awful things.

And as I was typing this (I've been working on this post on and off for over 3 hours now), the nurse from the doctor's office called...and said my progesterone level had been fine (14.5), and my HCG was 706. I don't know why I wanted the actual numbers, but now I'm even more upset. So my HCG had continued to rise after my trip to the ER when it was 508...maybe it hadn't risen nearly enough, but I have been thinking that the baby died a while ago, possibly before my trip to the ER...and that seemed so much better than thinking the baby died yesterday. But apparently the baby was still developing after my visit to the ER, maybe not developing as it should have been, but it was still alive. I feel like crying all over again now. Did it's little heart ever have a chance to beat? Did it even have a little heart?

I feel so empty and so lost. I'm trudging through my day. My best friend called a little while ago - in tears because her 34 year old cousin died unexpectedly...and when she asked me how I was doing, even though I told myself I would not subject her to my own emotional news...I immediately starting crying, and then she demanded to know what was going on. We were quite the pitiful pair, a couple of real party poops. We made plans to have dinner at their house tomorrow evening, and even though I don't really feel up to being social, I'm glad for the invite...I want to be out of this house!!!!!!!

If you have read this entire post, thank you for indulging me and letting me babble. I know I'm not making much sense, and I can't really form any coherent thoughts...but something about this is therapeutic. I will say, I must apologize to every woman who has ever experienced an early miscarriage. I was one of the people who thought to myself..."Oh, that's sad...but it was probably a blessing it happened earlier than some miscarriages, because it's probably easier to handle the earlier it is."

There is NOTHING easy about this.

[kwannabee]

I'm soooo sorry...just let it all out...all the anger and sadness and yes darnit you wish youre family would just shut up sometimes...that doesnt make you a bad person...this is so hard.

I had to come home to my 4 year old and put up with the comments..."well you are so lucky to already have a child..it just wasnt meant to be...

lets see what were some of the other eyepopping comments...oh my particular favourite...appreciate what you have...at least you still have him others dont have any children...

What are you supposed to say to that...yeah your right i forgot my first child didnt count anymore cuz i got pregnant?!

Kibbie...you will see that so many people relate to what you're going through and although its the hardest time in your life...you have people around you who will support you no matter what you say or think...expecially here.

Take care of you...your son will give you the reason to get up in the morning...somehow you just get pulled back into living without realizing it.

Big hugs

[MyJourney]

Lisa,

I read your post woth tears in my eyes and a bunch of kleenex at my side.

There is nothing much that I can say that can comfort you. A few years ago my sister went through an early m/c and again I had nothing much to say except offer my friendship, ears and moral support.

So, all I have to say that there is a person on the other side of the world that is aware of your pain.

Oshrat

[lots_of_dots]

((((big hugs Kibbie))))

I so sorry you are going through this right now. M/c is tough no matter when it happened. You lost a child and that's that. I always hate it when people tell me "Well at least you know you can get pg". I would give up everything to have my kids with me right now. The thought of more children doesn't take away the pain of the children I've lost.

I posted a quote on this board a while ago and it really says how I feel:

"There is this little secret club that you never wanted to belong to but once you are there, you are so glad you are not alone."

I think it totally explains exactly what this forum means to me. I don't want to be here but since I am, I'm glad it's here and that I'm not alone.

Lean on us whenever you need support. We are always here for you.

Love and hugs,

Stephanie
A fellow NH Cyster

[rself]

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I just lost our first child at 7 1/2 weeks on April the 30th. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My DH has been great, as has yours, and I have not wanted to leave his side. Don't think of yourself as self-centered. You need time to grieve. It would even be alright to send your beautiful little boy to a family member's house for a day or so. That does not make you a bad mother. You just need some time to work through this. It has been a week since my loss, and I do feel better. It just takes time. I am going to tell you like my doctor told me. Odds are that you had nothing to do with this miscarriage. 15-20% percent of pregnancies end in loss because of fetal problems. You have a perfectly healthy little boy, so that had to be the case. Don't blame yourself. Just take it easy for a while. Take some time to relax. Pray for strength, and know that your child is playing in heaven alongside mine and every other woman's on this board. You are not alone. It is okay to grieve and need time for yourself. It is part of the healing process, and peace will come.

[Kibbie]

Kim, Oshrat, Stephanie, and rself - Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and for being so supportive and understanding. I actually held off on posting on this board yesterday, and I almost had to force myself to do it today...but now that I did, I feel like I am in a room surrounded by women I have some kind of connection with. Stephanie, you are so right...it's like a secret club. Since I posted my news on the pregnancy board, more than a few people have e-mailed and PM'ed me and told me to post on this board because the ladies here are so caring and wonderful...and they were absolutely right.

Kim - I'm so sorry about your little girls. You have experienced the ultimate pain a mother should never have to experience, but yet you still extend yourself to other women who are hurting and you give such care and support...what a truly amazing and loving woman you are. Thank you for replying to my post...

Oshrat - your sister was very lucky to have such a compassionate and caring sister while she went through her miscarriage. I want you to know, that there is a person on the other side of the world from you, who very much appreciates your words and your thoughtfulness.

Stephanie - Like Kim, you have also experienced such pain and loss...and yet you still reach out with your loving words to help others. Thank you for offering your shoulder, that means so much to me right now. Where in NH do you live? I'm in Exeter.

Rself - I'm so sorry for your loss...and I'm so glad your husband has been taking care of you and helping you through it. I have been trying to tell myself I didn't do anything to cause this miscarriage, and even if I believe it in my head...my heart is skeptical. I appreciate the information you posted...thank you so much for your care and support. God bless you and your family, and I'm glad you are starting to feel a little better.

I received some beautiful flowers from my dad a little while ago, and now I feel bad for being upset with his e-mail. I don't know why I took a picture of them, but here they are...I just thought I would show them because it really means a lot to me that he sent them.

Thank you again...

[airforcewifeynva]

Kibbie,

I read your posts about your loss, but I just read this one now and I am so sorry. I know nothing anyone will say can make it better. Just know you aren't alone.

I have been where you are, on both ends of the spectrum. I have had 2 early miscarriages, and I have lost one at 37 weeks. Yes, I hurt more for my little Dallas, but I still hurt for my other two babies. Losing a child is losing a child. It is a loss that is hard to recover from. I thank God every day for my Benjamin but I still cry for my other babies. I am tearing up right now because it is not easy. You are such a sweetheart and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Especially not you.

Please feel free to post as much as you want here. There are many of us who have been where you are. We are here for you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

Jessica

[Sari]

Sorry Kibbie. Big, big ((HUGS)) to you.

[sugarbug]

Awww Kibbie- I'm so sorry to see you here. I lost my baby too on May 6th a year ago... it was the worst thing I ever had to go through. It's so unfair that any of us should loose a baby. I wish I had some comforting words to say... or something to take your pain away, but I don't, and I can't. You did nothing to cause this nor do you deserve this. It' s not a punishment, even though that's what it feels like. Take it a day a time is my best advice. Ignore the stupid comments ppl make when trying to give you comfort- it's not their intention to hurt you. It's okay to grieve the child you lost, and it's okay to have days where your angry or just want to cry. It doesn't mean you don't care about your son, okay? If you ever need to just let it out- we are here to listen.

((Hugs))
Bug

[Kibbie]

Jessica,

A post from you means so much to me...I can't tell you how much. I have followed you throughout your experiences, I have prayed and prayed for you...and I have been all through your beautiful web-site for Dallas, more than once. Your baby boy was so angelic, beautiful, and perfect....and my heart ached for you and J.R. when he passed away.

Even my husband, who never really frequented the "Motherhood" forums here knows exactly who you are, and has visited Dallas' web-site with me....and celebrated with me when Benjamin was born! You and your family really touched us, and we were so happy to see that little beaming ray of sunshine come into your life, especially after you experienced such a tragic loss. I guess I'm telling you this because you are no stranger to me and my family...and even if we don't know you in person, you have had a cheering section here in NH for quite some time, and a place in our hearts.

So thank you for extending yourself to me and giving your care and support. I'm amazed by the women in this forum, and I can only hope that one day soon I can work past this "me me me" stage of grief and help others the way all of you do.

Lee came home a little early, and I feel so much better now that he's home! We sat outside (it's a beautiful day today), and talked about the miscarriage and I cried more (of course), but now I feel pretty calm. It's just so comforting to have him here. Last night I gathered up my pregnancy "memories" in one of Caden's little shoe boxes, and we talked about buying a special little box and burying everything in a pretty place in the yard. Yes, I was only 7 weeks pregnant...and probably you ladies are the only people in the world who would understand the need to do something like that. The medical lab has our little embryo, so we won't have a chance to give it some kind of a burial (I almost feel silly talking about this, but I know you all understand)...so burying the keepsakes I have from the pregnancy (and maybe planting some bulbs where we bury it) is the next best thing, and the only way I can think of to honor the angel we lost. Lee and I both think it would be too hard for me to keep a box of memories in the house, I would be too tempted to open it and be upset. And I absolutely cannot throw the keepsakes away.

So this is where I am now, feeling a little better...as long as I'm glued to my husband. We should have the pathology report in about a week, and I'm hoping they will be able to determine (by the chromosomes) if the baby was a boy or girl, that way we can give the baby a name. Has anyone else done that?

[Kibbie]

Sara and Bug, thank you both.

Bug, I'm so sorry for your loss....and I'm so sorry May 6th is a painful day for you as well. I really appreciate your advice and support...and I will try to take it a day at a time. I just want to feel better and be able to move on....does it work that way?

Again, thank you both....the support here is wonderful!

[kwannabee]

Kibbie...i just thought of something and first of all i just want to thank you for your kind words to me...they made me all teary eyed...

...anyway i think naming your baby is a wonderful healing thing for you to do and i have another idea for you...

you talked about burying all of your keepsakes...that it was too hard to look at them...when i had my memorial service for the girls someone made a donation in their name to our local childrens hospital...and a few weeks later i got a letter from them acknowledging that there was a donation in my girls name. The envelope was addressed to them...for the brief amount of time my girls were on this earth they got a letter in the mail...proof to the outside world they were here...and it sits proudly in my livingroom. When i first saw it i broke down and fell apart and couldnt even look at it...it just peeled back the scab and re-opened everything...but i'm so glad i kept it. This is so early for you to think like this...but if you give yourself time you might wish later on that you'd kept at least one little momento(sp?) around...i'm able to look at their little housecoats again...but there was a time i couldnt even picture them in my mind...i'm just just give yourself some time...but i know you will do whats right for you...

...just a thought, okay?

[hilfgirl33]

Kibbie and Bug, I also experienced my first m/c on May 6, 1997. I didn't deliver until 5/9 as the hospital was full and I had to be induced as I was too far along and opted out of a D&E, so I wound up coming home on Mother's Day of that year. Mother's Day is still bittersweet for me.

Kibbie, Everything you said is so completly normal and sounds so much like the gamut of emotions I ran, especially about not wanting to care for DD (Who was older than Caden is at the time), and wanting alone time with DH. I guess they are our rocks during the really bad times. And it's so hard to care for someone else when you need care yourself.

And I also went into cleaning mode. My house was so clean you could eat off any surface. My Sister and her friend came over about a week after the miscarriage and said that it was so shiny it was hurting their eyes lol (believe me, it hasn't been that clean since then).

I also remember listening to the radio and there were these crazy young girls trying to win a trip to the beach and they were giggling and laughing and everyone was having a good time and I was like, how can anyone feel happiness right now?

But, it does get better. Just take it day by day and do what you can to get by and try to be positive when you can. I remember also I took up a serious interest in game shows - for some reason I think they would actually let me forget for a while.

Anyway, I know it's going to be real hard for a while but we're all here for you ((( BIG HUGS ))) and tears for your loss .

[casey1]

I'm so very sorry you're here. One thing that really struck me was your comment about your DH and wanting him near you. When I lost Casey in May of 1995 I went through a time of really bad anxiety whenever DH wasn't with me. I was very afraid of something happening to him. It took a lot for me to let him leave everymorning. Finally I shared my feelings with him and he encouraged me to call whenever I got the urge. It only took a few days of calling him frequently before I eased off, but it really gave me the feeling of control. Be very good to yourself as you go through this. I have very me oriented of late and it helps...alot! Hugs

[lots_of_dots]

Lisa ~ Thank you so much for your kind words. I live in a small town called Northfield which is two towns north of Concord and just south of Tilton.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.