New son...help!

acrosaz · 12-11-2007, 06:49 PM

Hi all - well, we are finally home with our son from Utah. He turned 5 a few months ago and our bio daughter will be 4 in January. Needless to say, it is a HUGE transition for everyone! He is a really good kid and I am quite sure he is making it about as easy as it can be. I am surprised at the craziness of my own emotions...especially at the sadness I feel for the loss of my little intimate family...and my alone time.

I am interested in hearing from anyone who has been through this before and what helped you!

samstars · 12-11-2007, 07:18 PM

First of all I wanted to say Congrats on your son!!! When our son came to live with us at the age of 10 we had a 5 month honeymoon period in which he was as polite a child as you could ask for. Never, ever caused any trouble. Said please, thank you etc all the time. Then a couple weeks after Christmas after a visit from his sister who is 8 years older then him we had a terror on our hands. I am not saying this will happen to you and your family. We have figured out now that he doesn't handle change very well and is still constantly pushing us to see if we will keep him.

That said, I still after 2 years miss the time I had with just my husband. Please don't get me wrong I LOVE my son to pieces and can't really remember what life was exactly like before him. I know we were unhappy because we didn't have children in our life.

We just try to remember why we wanted him and try to work through the rough patches. Sometimes my DH and I will take breaks away from him or we spend extra time with him.

Now my son was 5 years older than your new addition so things may work alot differently. My son is now 12 years old and is fast approaching those teenage years I have been warned over and over about.

I don't know if this really helps you any but just know that we are all here to listen and if you need a shoulder please don't hesitate to PM me.

Stacy

LadyBugg · 12-11-2007, 07:50 PM

Andrea- I just replied to you on another thread too, but I want to offer you encouragement too. I don't have kids as old as yours, but I know what it is like to adjust to an adoption where the adopted child is not an infant. My son was 3 weeks shy of his 2nd birthday when he got home. My advice is to take it 1 day at a time, or one hour at a time if you need to. It WILL get easier and better and you will not always even remember these hard times clearly, but the first month or 2 will be hard on everyone. Just breathe honey. And pm me if you need anything or to vent, 'cause I could not have survived without my girlfriends!

anang · 12-12-2007, 12:00 AM

Our kids were six and two when we got them. It was hard to get used to the new "Normal" six months later their little brother joined us who was 9 months at the time. The only advice I have is do normal stuff, but limmit tv and media. Spend indivdual time with the kiddos and family time together lots. Also make sure that you take time to do lots of excercise together or on your own. It keeps your body healthy and helps clear the mind.

a year and a half later things are good around here

good luck

hang in there

acrosaz · 12-12-2007, 01:47 AM

Thanks you guys - this is all very helpful. Just keep swimming, right?

One of the struggles I have is that he can irritate me really quickly with crying and whining. It bothers me so much more than it ever has with my daughter. I am assuming it's because I've been dealing with hers for years. He is also obsessed with my husband, because he has never had a nice father, so it really hurts my feelings when he says he doesn't want me or constantly asks for Shawn. I know it's normal - I'm just not used to it. I have always been the preferred parent.

I know it will get easier, I have definitely learned that lesson in life.

dna · 12-12-2007, 07:37 AM

Congrats on your new family member

Welcome to 5 year old boy-dom...my son is fairly whiney...I also hate it, it grates my nerves and makes me want to jump out the window however !!

I keep him busy with colouring, crafts etc and respond to him when he speaks to me in a big boy voice...This could be hard (the not responding) depending on the situation that he came from..You may need to over respond and then back off as he finds his place in your family...

I would take time for each child individually, then for yourself and your hubbie...trust will be a big thing for the 5 yr old i would imagine for a while so take it slow with bbsitters etc... my son came home at 15 months and it took him a long time to become attached properly almost a year ?

Keep up the good work

It will all come together in short order if you keep loving and being consistent...

and Congrats again !

acrosaz · 12-13-2007, 02:20 AM

Thank you Amy! As much as I have studied attachment over the years, you would think I would have a good understanding of it as relates to my own children. It's like all knowledge flies out the window when dealing with your own kids or something. I have been reading a good book, which is reminding me how crucial a secure attachment is in the early years. You say it took about a year, huh? An issue that I am having right now is comparing him to how verbally expressive and easy going our daughter is. Boys are just a completely different story, arent's they? I am learning slowly. Thanks again for the encouragement!