New User

J_MBoe · 07-23-2003, 11:15 PM

I am a new user to soul cysters. My wife Melissa has posted many messages on here and many of you have helped her get through the difficult times. My wife and I have been trying to have a child for over two years now and needless to say that it hasn't gone well. Melissa has PCOS (over two years) now and we try new things. Now that you have a little history on us, I'd like to go into what I'm confused about. This would be my first time being a father (if we have a child) and with the complexities of PCOS I don't exactly know what is going on...specifically emotions and feelings. We have suffered several miscarriages and now we have been through treatments such as the clomoid and prometrium. It looked like we were on the right track and now Melissa has been spotting and having cramps. I don't exactly know if baby (possibly) is in trouble or what...but my wife needs me to be there for her and I have been lacking in that department. I don't know exactly what to say or what to do to make her feel better. I want to make her feel better and I want to be there for her, but it just seems like I'm not. I don't know what to feel. I want to feel sadness, sorrow, anger...the whole nine yards, but I somehow don't show it. It almost seems like I can't get them out and end up being insentive or like I don't care, but really I do. What can I do to show these emotions without hurting my wife?

Bellina22 · 07-23-2003, 11:40 PM

It's sometimes very hard to know how to help or console our partners. My husband did two very important things for me when we were TTC and not having much luck. The first was that he would listen. When I had a bad day or AF (period) showed up again and again and again he would just sit and listen to me be angry or sad or frustrated. He wouldn't say much but would just listen. Those were the days that I needed to yell at the world about it all being so unfair and ask God why that 15 year old girl walking her baby got pregnant and I couldn't get pregnant. Our partners sometime think we want answers to those kind of questions when all we really want is to vent and have you listen to us vent and then hug and hold us and tell us you love us.

The second thing he did was to vent to me when he had a bad day. He would tell me what he was feeling and why. I can't tell you how important that was to me. It made me feel like he was involved in our struggle and he cared and he hurt about it just like I did. He didn't make me feel like I was in it alone because it was my body betraying us. I know that was not easy for him. My husband is a very macho guy. But he did it for me. Now you know your wife better than I do so you need to be the best judge of what will make her feel better. Sometimes just a hug and I'm here for you will do the trick. Sometimes not.

I don't know if this was much help. I hope it was a little.

I'm praying for you and Melissa and your precious one that all will be well. God Bless

Allie

Japan · 07-24-2003, 11:23 PM

Can I just say I think it's awesome that you joined us? That by itself shows great support for your wife and it tells me you are a person who really cares.

I agree with Allie, if you want to be there for Melissa, just sit down with her, hold her if she wants to be held, and just listen. Some guys (most guys?) are quick to give advice b/c they love to have a quick-fix solution, but most the time that's not what we really need. If you listen to her and talk to her, it will most likely mean more than any 'solution' you may try and come up with.

As far as letting your own feelings out - I know how hard that must be. My DH is the same way. He has all these emotions, but he doesn't show them. To this day I don't really know how he feels about me having PCOS and our unsuccessful journey to have a baby. That makes me sad. He won't talk. So if you opened up to your wife, regardless of what feelings you have, it will be a great gift to your wife, and she will probably really appreciate your effort. I know I would.

If you don't know how to start the conversation, show her this thread you started. You do care, you do have all these emotions, and I hope you'll be able to find a way to communicate them eventually.

My best to you.

TxHubby · 07-29-2003, 02:30 PM

From a guy's point of view, I can tell you that just being there for your wife & listening to her & holding her are all very important things to do. Like the ladies who posted before me have said, alot of times, they just want us to listen to them, and not necessarily to try to fix the problem...but just to let them vent.

The fact that you are on this website is a big first step...obviously you care a lot, or you wouldn't have taken the time to come here & post what you did...tell her (or show her) that you came on here & what you posted...that might mean a lot to her, just to know that you cared enough to take that step.

You know your wife better than any of us do...but I know that just talking to my wife about it & reassuring her that everything would be ok, and that it would all work out - and that no matter what happened, I would always be beside her & love her...that meant a lot to her & made her feel a lot better. You have to let your wife know that you both are in this together, not just her alone...and that you have feelings & emotions about it, just as she does...share what you're feeling with her...if you don't think you can talk to her about it, try writing it in a letter & giving it to her...or any other way that you can show her what you're feeling.

Communication is the key...talk to her...listen to her...be there for her...and most of all support & love her. As long as the two of you love & support each other, you'll make it through this !! It might not always be easy, but you can do it...just hang in there !!

I wish you both the best of luck, and hope that everything turns out ok for you two !!