Newbie, TTC, & Frustrated

Jamie1 · 12-24-2008, 05:41 AM

Hi Ladies,

I've been lurking the forum for about a year now and this is my first post. (I decided I could use some baby dust/positive thinking thrown my way!)

I'm Jamie (24), married DH (27) July 2007. He has wanted kids for years (yep before we were married ) but I wanted to wait. Well we started TTC in January 08 when I went off the pill and then I was diagnosed with PCOS. I didn't get an AF visit since being off the pill until October 08 (10 months later) so my Dr gave me Provera to induce AF in December so I can start my 1st round of Clomid. I start tomorrow (day 5 thru 9) and will be timing BDing. Hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers for a January BFP!!!

I feel that green monster grow in me whenever I see/hear about someone getting pregnant without the heartache and waiting that I am experiencing. These feelings are even worse worse when they are kids/crackheads/otherwise unprepared/incapable parents getting pregnant with irresponsibility and ease. I feel ashamed to admit that I get so jealous and hurt. Hopefully none of you think I am awful for having these thoughts. I feel like now I see babies and preggos everywhere; I can't escape them making me feel the sadness. My best friend just had a baby and I hope and pray that all she could see was my happiness for her and not my jealousy.

I feel like such a dope for trying to wait and be responsible and do it the "right" way when me and DH are ready emotionally, financially, etc and then I am DEFECTIVE.

I feel scared that the clomid isn't going to work for me.

I feel angry at myself that I can't stop worrying when it is only my 1st round. I know the stress is not helpful to TTC.

I feel like my heart is going to break for you when I read your stories. Those of you who have been trying for even longer than me. Years. I don't know how you find the strength when I am just barely keeping it together.

I felt like I needed to get all that off my chest. I never ever envisioned how hard it would be to deal with being ready for and wanting (needing) a baby NOW and feeling so helpless in my own skin. You are all in my thoughts and I am constantly throwing baby dust to my TTC buddies.

Thanks for reading.

SandV · 12-24-2008, 09:08 AM

Jamie - Welcome to SC! Its great you came here for support and information. You will read lots of positive stories. Do not beat yourself up about waiting.
I am 37 yrs. Last April I found out I was pg - it was a total shock!!! I had been told about 10 months earlier that I would not get pg without IF treatment. Well, DH and I decided to just go about life as it was. I had given up on ever getting pg. Then I found out I was pg naturally - no pills, no treatments, etc Unfortunately, the pg could not be carried to term as it was ectopic. But how much joy it brought me to know I can get pg!
I wish you the best... Keep those positive thoughts and I hope the New Year brings you a bundle of joy!

Eva37 · 12-24-2008, 10:24 AM

welcome to sc

here is a link to the ttc section of sc for you
http://www.soulcysters.net/infertility-trying-conceive/

Rener · 12-27-2008, 10:27 PM

Hi! Isn't TTC with PCOS so frustrating? We've been trying for over a year now (2 if you count a year of not trying to prevent it) and I have not ovulated once. I'm starting my first round of 50mg clomid as soon as AF arrives (anticipating January but will probably have to start Provera).

I can't stop worrying about this new cycle either! I really want it to work and to get pregnant, but I know that there is a huge possibility that my body won't respond to Clomid. I just want to remain positive and hope for a BFP in 2009- that is my goal!

I never imagined how hard this process would be emotionally. I can't even describe the desire I feel for a child, but I try to remain healthy and positive despite feelings for frustration and jealousy at other people with children. I try to remember that I do not deserve a child more than anyone else out there and when the time is right it will happen.

One thing that I have come to appreciate about this journey so far is how it has made me genuinely appreciate the idea of motherhood. I know that if I had gotten pregnant immediately I would have taken it for granted. Now I am certain that when/if it does happen I will be ever so thankful and truly understand the miracle of having a child- either naturally or through adoption.

So good luck and I hope we both have success with our first Clomid cycles!!