NO! not again!

Purple_monkfish · 01-24-2009, 11:37 AM

I started to bleed today, and it's a lot of blood. I know full well there's absolutely no hope in hell that this is going to be alright.
Two in a row now, I don't know how to cope with this. I mean... I was so excited, so happy to be pregnant again against the odds but for some reason the gods see fit to rip that away from me over and over again.

It's not fair... it just isn't fair. Now I have to wait till monday to inform my doctor.
I just can't stop asking why? why has this happened again!? I though things were going so well, I had nausea even... it was alll as it should be. Eugh

MiniGidget · 01-24-2009, 11:55 AM

Purple--I am so sorry about this! I agree that it's not fair at all!

foreverhopeful · 01-24-2009, 12:36 PM

im so so sorry sweety

life is bloody unfair i hope your wrong and that things are ok xxxxx

ShaylaMomto3 · 01-24-2009, 01:12 PM

Purple- Im so sorry to hear this. I know how excited you were.

Purple_monkfish · 01-24-2009, 01:19 PM

I just... don't really know what to do now. I think i'm being punished for something you know? Twice in less than 6 months, it's just more than I can bear to be honest.

DiamondInTheRough · 01-24-2009, 01:29 PM

I'm so sorry

I also hope it isn't really a m/c. I bled like crazy with oldest and was convinced I had m/c. If it does turn out to be a loss though, I think you should take a break and take care of you before delving into things again. It's a lot to go through in such a short period of time.

MiniGidget · 01-24-2009, 01:39 PM

PurpleMonkfish--I won't pretend that I can imagine what you are going through. I had one loss 6 months ago, and I grieved for months. I do understand that feeling that you are being punished--I think that's a completely normal feeling. We're here if you need to vent! Again I am very very sorry!

Purple_monkfish · 01-24-2009, 02:23 PM

I don't think I can endure this again. The previous wound still hasn't healed so this surprise bfp was such a blessing for us. I just, I can't understand why it's being taken away again you know? Where's the justice in that? Where's the reason? I'm finding it so so difficult to actually have much faith in well, anything right now. My body has failed me, again. I knew we were high risk, I knew it wasn't going to be easy but damnit, I honestly thought that this time we'd be ok. That the nausea and the cramps and the sore chest were all good signs.
I can't have false hope again, I just... I can't sit here hoping everything will turn out of only to have my world shattered again. I just can't do it. Last time I let people convince me things might still have a chance and that just made the horrible news even more difficult to bear. I wont do that again, I can't.

All I ever wanted was a big family. Apparently i'm not allowed that. Evidently, i'm just not supposed to have another child. I think it's going to be a long long time before I can actually stand to start ttc again.

I just feel... bitter.. angry.. . resentful really.

SandV · 01-24-2009, 02:37 PM

Purple - I wanted to pass my condolences to you. I know how hard it can be when you want something so bad and it is taken away. It will take time for you to heal, if this is a m/c. Do you think you should go to a hospital to get checked? I do not think its good you wait until Monday.

AnotherDreamer · 01-24-2009, 03:07 PM

(*HUGS*) I am so sorry.

I also think you should go ahead and get checked out by a doctor, rather than wait until Monday... if that's possible.

It's normal to feel all the things you're feeling, just let them out hun. I still feel like screaming, almost a year after the fact. I can't imagine having 2 within 6 months, but I know how painful even one is. Let it all out sweetie. We're here for you.

HakunaMatata · 01-24-2009, 03:21 PM

Purple...please don't give up.

koolmama · 01-24-2009, 03:39 PM

I'm sorry. We just lost our second one the week of Christmas. I didnt want to go out for weeks cause I didnt want to see other women and their pregnant tummies and little babies. Its still been hard. But I'm getting better. I hope things get better for you

PCOSDC · 01-24-2009, 05:47 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there before. I had 3 m/c within 1 year and the last one was in the 2nd trimester. I felt crushed everytime and everytime I said I couldn't go through it again but I did. There is nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better you just need to greive.

Purple_monkfish · 01-24-2009, 06:27 PM

Doc was utterly no use at all. He did two tests, both of which came back negative... using very very diluted urine. He informed me that either I was never pregnant (so explain 3 positive tests only 2 days ago, one of which was digital!?) or i've miscarried and for some reason the HGC level has plumeted in a matter of days.

I don't know what to think, or where the hell I stand now. They wont give me a scan because the urine test was negative, didn't take blood and have told me to wait a week and take another hpt. Er.. what?

So yeah. Yet again, the NHS is ****ing me around.

I'm just so miserable right now. I feel utterly betrayed and let down by god... I feel alone... angry.. confused. I can't stop thinking why? What did I do to deserve this? you know? What's so horrible and bad about me that I deserve this ****? The pcos, the constant pains, the deformed uterus, the apparent inability to carry a second child past 5 weeks. I just, I can't stand it... I want to be healthy, I want to be normal you know?
All I wanted, all I craved... was a family. I was blessed with one beautiful child but apparently that's my lot. I'm not WORTHY of more, no... crack whores and stupid teenagers can have all the kids they like but me? I have to suck it up and deal. I just, I wonder what the point is? you know? people always say "things happen for a reason" but i'm having a hard time seeing any reason in this. What reason pray tell, is there for me to fall pregnant by surprise, rejoice and celebrate and them take it away without warning in one swift swoop? what lesson is there to learn from that aside from that the gods are vindictive and cruel?
I already KNEW my son was a miracle, I don't need that reiterated with miscarriage after miscarriage. For goodness sake! I just wanted to give him a sibling. Was that really so much to ask? In the grand scheme of things, was that just too much? ]

I'm so angry... so so angry. I want to scream, and hit things... I hate my body, I hate it so much. I feel like a failure, useless even.

All I wanted was this baby... why did it have to be taken from me? why did this have to happen again?

nae · 01-24-2009, 07:58 PM

Purple - first of all

You don't deserve this pain and you know it. God is not trying to hurt you and your child does deserve a sibling. There are things that we can't understand and how life works is such a mystery, but one thing you can do is take care of yourself. Be good to yourself and know you are worthy of another child. Take your time and mend your emotions and heart but you've done it once when some here haven't had one baby. You can carry a baby... You will!! Don't give up on yourself. It's tough... I know!! I've have several m/c and 1 ectopic and I still had two after nine years. There's a strength that comes across in your writing so I know it's in you. Can you see another doctor for a second opinion??