We had our pre placement weekend visit this weekend. I posted this on another thread I started before the weekend but thought I would post another one since the topic is alittle different.
We dropped the kids off yesterday and were riding in silence for awhile. My Dh finally opened up and said he just didn't feel the connection. I agreed. It was almost like there was no chemistry. The weekend was so hectic and the oldest is ADHD. We enjoyed watching the progress she made though the weekend and we concluded that was NOT the reason we were not feeling it. I said ok...take the oldest one out of the equation...how do you feel? And he said he didn't feel connected to the younger two either.
Have you ever heard of this happening???? We feel like jerks and failures. Our caseworkers want us to come in for a meeting one afternoon this week. I feel like they think we are nuts.
We can't help how our heart feels though. Then when we got home I saw their half finished sippy cups laying around and some toys and I just started crying because I felt like I missed them...then dh asked if I missed the kids or the thought of having our nest full finally. I think it was the later.
I just want to know if this happens or if there is something wrong with us? I am devastated.
I hope you do not mind me chiming in. I do not post on SC much anymore, but I do still read on occasion. That being said....
Please do not feel bad about the way you feel. I think it is very normal. I also do not think you can base whether a placement is right for you after one weekend visit (please forgive me if I missed that there was more than one visit). I think that when we want a family, as much we do, it is easy to fall in love with the illusion of family and adoption that we fantasize about for so long. When our children were placed with us I really wanted it to be love at first site. Looking back on it I want to think I loved them from the beginning, but in reality it was a process. I am not trying to talk you into trying again or spending more time with them. I am just sharing how things worked for our family
Here is my story (the short version) LOL...
We had been ttc for 3 years. I knew in my heart from the first appointment with the RE that our family was going to be built by adoption. I told my husband I wanted to try everything I could with the RE, but I knew we were meant to adopt. I spent hours pouring over waiting child photo listings, adoption agency web sites, going to seminars and reading all the adoption journeys on the web as I could find. We took the classes to become licensed foster to adopt in November got licensed in January and had our children placed in February. I just knew these kids were going to come into our home and LOVE us. What was not to love? We were fun, bought them all the toys they could possible want and took them to every children’s event.
Truth be told... They were bad... I mean very misbehaved! They were into everything, made huge messes and didn’t care about the toys, trips or anything else we did for them. I felt like I was baby-sitting most of the time. My DH was not home a lot, I quit my job and I think I resented them a little for it. I was tiered, over stressed and out of my league. My daughter had the worst case of head lice ever, I had a mountain of laundry and my once clean house and the spotless perfectly decorated bedrooms were wrecked. Not to mention my DS (2 at the time) could climb out of anything I out him, my DS 3 at the time threw the most violent tantrums and my DD 5 at the time wanted her bio mom and refused to listen to me. I was a mess at all times. I spent a lot of time crying to DH and also to my caseworker about how horrible of a parent I was. I honestly thought we would be the perfect family. We would take vacations to Disney world, have picnics and go to little league. When in actuality we were going to doctor appointments, court dates, speech therapy and counseling. This was not what I had in mind at all. I thought I would love them so much that all of the problems they had would go away.
We decided to give it some time. We thought if after 6 months life had not changed we would have to have them replaced. Something I had strong feelings against until I was in that situation. After a few months I settled into a routine. School started and I was able to bond with the children a little more one on one. We did take our "family" vacation to Disney World and started little league. Things were still hard, but they were getting better. The kids started calling us mommy and daddy. We were starting to bond with them. After the first 6 months things were still shaky, but they were calming down and the behaviors were slowly getting better. We were starting to bond with them. I think it took a full year before we actually felt like their parents.
It will be five years in January that they joined our family. I can not imagine my life without them. I love them more than anything in the world. I would give my own life for one any one of them. I now know they were the children that were meant for us. It just took us some time to feel it and know it.
When a couple is pregnant they have 9 months to get used to the idea of having a baby. Even still there are many bio mothers who have a hard time bonding with their babies. Again I say please do not feel bad about your feelings. They may not be the children for your family. I guess I am just trying to say you may never meet a child and instantly "feel a connection".
I hope I have not offended anyone. I just wanted to share my experience with a not so picture perfect adoption. I am also sorry that the short version of my story was not very short
__________________ Lacy 31, DH 31
SHM of 4 Children
Adopted 7/28/05
DD 11, DS 9, DS 8, DD 4
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Our situation is different, both of our little ones came to us as emergency foster placements - separate placements and 6 weeks apart. They are both still fosters - but one or both is likely to be adopted by us...waiting for TPR.
I thought our first little one would be very temporary (about 2 weeks), so I think I tried to 'hold him at a distance' in the beginning. That didn't last long as we are definately Mom and son (very clingy and going through separation anxiety with me bad). Our second little one I was more drawn to - maybe because she was abused and more reserved or that she was my girl (only girl we were ever called about - so felt she may be my only girl). She has really opened up and is much more attached to me than my DH (and she knows how to push his buttons...really bad). I guess both of these little ones know I'm just a sucker for a sweet baby face...
I don't think either was really a 'love at first sight' situation - but I tried to show them 'love' so they knew what it felt like. I had the luxury of meeting each child separately and letting them settle in. I also knew they could leave my home at any moment (for reunification with bio family) since they weren't/aren't adoptive placement at this time.
I think I would give them a little more time - but that's just me, I'm not in your shoes. You are trying to connect with 3 children at once, so I can imagine that would be much harder - and this isn't a 'foster' situation where they can leave/be moved 'easily' if it doesn't work out. Just my 2 cents.
When we were waiting for our son to be born, I worried all the time about if I would 'love' him. I was so worried about having a connection. I was talking to my MIL who is adopted and has adopted. And she asked me "Did you love your husband the first time you met him?" No!
Love is not something that's just there...it has to grow!
Then once he was born I was so worried the Bmother would change her mind that I didn't want to let myself get too close in the first few days. But once we got home and things changed!
__________________ Amy (33) SAHM & To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Join for free...only 2 more days!
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Thank you all so much for your stories. Dh and I have talked a bunch, thought about all of this, talked to our pastor (who has adopted three different children), and we are talking to our case workers today. Dh works with a man who adopted a 6yo girl over a year ago. He said there were moments he wanted to lose it, and once he even told his wife "she is too broke to fix, she needs to go back". He said it is completely normal to feel unattached and not love them. He said now there is no way on earth he would ever give her up.
Lacy your story sounds so much like mine!!! The oldest is 5 and has ADHD and will need speech, the two year old has a lazy eye we are going to have to have fixed and the 1 year old has tubes in his ears. The 5 year old attached to us immediately and wanted attention and love. She was so hyper at first but as the weekend wore on she actually would go play and watch tv without being glued to my side.
Oh and we met them one time for 2 hours at a park then had them this weekend. They actually live 4 hours away and we met their caseworker half way to pick them up and drop them off.
We have learned allot over the past 24 hours just from listening to people who have been in our shoes. One thing I wish these agencies would do for foster/adopt parents is prep them on all the emotions that go along with this process.
I agree. The hardest part is in the beginning. They're getting used to you. They're rebelling against your rules, against your love, because they DO NOT BELIEVE THIS IS FOREVER. And you put up with it. And it's the hardest time in the world because you don't love them yet. It takes time.
I would recommend reading the books :"Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray and also "Adopting the Older Child" by CLaudia Jewett Jarrett
Oh sweetie! I was told over and over again taht you cannot expect to fall in love with someone after just knowing them for a couple of days. Love takes time. In fact, I was just telling DH last month that is was strange how much my love for my oldest had grown over the past year. It's crazy.
Give it time. I'm sure you'll soon think you were crazy for even thinking like this! LOL
I just wanted to agree with everyone. It was very weird the first time we met our adopted son for the first time and taking him on outings was even weirder. We knew he was ours, so I didn't ask myself whether we clicked. But, love does take time to grow. I am happy to report, almost 2 weeks in, that love is growing in my heart and in his as well. Good luck in your decision!
__________________ Andrea(32) and Shawn(40) married 12 years Mom to Leon (age 7, adopted in June '08) and Anna (age 5, born the EASY way in Jan '04)
Baby boy on the way!!!!!!! Due 3/10/2010 I couldn't feel more blessed.
I am so glad you are talking to your pastor and your worker. Professionals who have btdt will have lots to offer you. I wanted to agree with many others that it takes time. I have "loved" my son from the start, but there are different kinds of love and I am only truly beginning to feel like his mama now after 10 months. And we didn't deal with basically any attachment issues, just medical ones. I remind myself all the time that I love dd more deeply b/c I have had 3 years plus 9 months gestation with her. Love grows. Simple as that. Would I lay dopwn my life for my son now? Absolutely! Would I have answered the same 8 months ago? Not likely.
Having said all that, I would take your feelings seriously and give it more time and more visits before a placement (don't know what the regs are where you live). If you decide to parent these kids, the biggest piece of advice I can offer is go easy on yourself. Lower your expectations of what needs to be done in a day, how clean your house needs to be in the first few months, how many Christmas cards you write the first year, etc.
GL to you and dh. This is not an easy process but it will change your life (and bless you!) forever.
__________________ Keltie (30) & Blake (33) Married 6/16/01 DD Kenya (11/30/04)
DS Duncan (8/11/05 Liberia, West Africa) DS #2 Isaiah (8/11/04 Coming home from Uganda in early 2009)
DD #2 Maleah (2/12/08 Coming home from Uganda in early 2009) 1 Angel Baby October 2007 - I'll Love You Forever
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God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called.
Definetly give them more of a chance than one weekend...you deserve it and they deserve it...dont feel like if your feelings dont change that you have to complete your family with these children...they are meant to be with a family and will...
Harsh as it sounds it happens. Dont take on more than you can handle...ADHD is manageable but takes alot of love and consistency...
I wish you ALL the best in figuring out whats best for you and your family...its hard but you may find it easier as time goes on...
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Yeah, from a teacher's point of view (I've taught many foster/adopted children), attachment is tricky. Kids in those situations had a harder time bonding with me (hence, more behaviour problems), but when they did, they found it hard to leave the classroom in June.
Hoping and praying that things go well for all of you. You're in a very demanding situation.
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Thanks again!!! Everyones words are so encouraging.
We talked to our caseworkers and they reassured us these are very normal feelings to have and that if we do not feel content we can continue our search. We requested another visit and they are trying to see if the kids caseworkers will allow it. This is going to be a "foster" placement because there is a termination appeal still pending on the youngest. Once that is back they will become an adoptive placement.
One of our CW's said she notices when we talk about them we talk about them like they are our kids.
We also need to talk with my youngest step daughter because I feel like she is struggling some with all of this. Mainly with the oldest girl. The two youngest she is fine with and happy to be around.
There are moments I say "ok this is going to work"...then at times I sit and think "I don't want to do this". All of these thoughts are driving me NUTS!
I actually showed up to work an hour early today. I don't know why. I walked in and everyone was like "why are you here???". I feel like I am losing my mind.
Oh and the caseworkers did say they have never heard of a pre placement visit to go like ours did and they can see why we think we are going nuts. The middle girl pooped in the tub not once but TWICE...The oldest did not go to sleep until 6am the first night, the next two nights the middle girl fell asleep around 1am, and the last night the baby fell and hit his eye on a table and got a black eye. Oh yeah and we were 5 minutes from dropping the kids off to their case worker and the oldest puked all over the back of the van.
WOW sounds like your visit was a wild one! I can see why you are stressed about it. Sounds like you got all kinds of parent surprises all in one weekend!!
__________________ Amy (33) SAHM & To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Join for free...only 2 more days!
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Looks like no 'honeymoon period' in that visit! You got to see the 'not so fun' part of little ones - all in one weekend! Luckily that won't happen everyday if they are placed with you. Hopefully the next visit (if allowed) will go more smoothly.
He he he he! Sounds like you got a great dose of parenthood!!! I'm sorry it was so hard. But don't worry. Soon enough, you'll think it all was a peice of cake! Wait till they all get a stomach bug together! LOL.
No real connection after pre placement visit 
You got to see the 'not so fun' part of little ones - all in one weekend! Luckily that won't happen everyday if they are placed with you. Hopefully the next visit (if allowed) will go more smoothly. 
