Is it normal for it to keep sneaking up on you?

vanilla_kisses5000 · 10-08-2009, 10:47 AM

Hi girls, I had a miscarriage in July of this year. I was "only 5 and a half weeks". I say "only..." as it happened like this: I took a pregnancy test and it was positive so I booked into the doctor. I couldn't get into my doctor for 3 days because of the weekend and so in the few days that I waited for my appointment I took a few more tests in the process, all were positive. I was so thrilled. At the appointment, the doctor confirmed I was pregnant and did a beta. The next day I got the results back and she said HCG was extremely low and she thought it quite certain that I would miscarry. She booked me in for another beta at the end of the week, but two days later I started to bleed.

I just feel like it is taking me a long time to get over seeing as I hardly knew I was pregnant before it ended. There are girls here who lost babies at 7 weeks and 9 weeks and 20 weeks even etc.. I can understand them being so upset, but I hardly had time to bond with my baby that I am absolutely stunned by how sad I am.

My question is - now that the event is getting a little less fresh and I am starting to cope a bit more with it I am surprised to find it all being brought up again so easily by the littlest things. One second I'll be totally fine and the next I'm a mess because something sparks the memory. I'll have a run of good days and then totally out of nowhere I'll have a bad one for no reason, where all I can think of is the baby. Or out of nowhere one night I'll have a night where I find it hard to sleep and I shed a few tears. The next night I'm fine again.

Is this ok? Am I normal??? hahaha

SheriKCMO · 10-08-2009, 11:04 AM

It's a roller coaster, for sure. I'm very sorry about the loss of your sweet little one. No one here or anywhere else can tell you that your loss is insignificant, so you should just let the grief process as it should and let the emotions flow. Most of us have dealt with fertility issues before conceiving, making that little bean even more precious. You are a mother now, and we are emotional people. (((Hugs)))

dstaiger · 10-08-2009, 03:39 PM

i think it would be abnormal if you didn't still care. it doesn't matter if you were pg for a week or 5 months. (trust me, i've done both) you didn't just loose your baby, you lost your hopes and dreams, and the wonderful innocence that lets women believe a bfp = a baby. this is really hard. it takes time to heal and you never forget.
i'm sorry for your loss.

JulesInTexas · 10-08-2009, 04:40 PM

You are definitely normal. I could have almost written your post as I've experienced the exact same things. I m/c at 'only 5 weeks' in June (and yes, I say those words in my head some days too). We may have only known for a short time, but I loved that baby with all my heart.

I do still get shocked when the overwhelming sad feelings hit or I hear or see something that takes me back to the day it happened. I almost think the bad days are easier to deal with then the good days when something just hits me and takes me back. The first time was in my car on the way to work and the DJ's played a clip of the song I heard when I first started to bleed and I already knew I was losing the baby from the beta tests. (The song was "how do I live without you".) I seriously thought maybe I blacked out because the next thing I remember, I was in a parking spot at work. My whole heart felt heavy the rest of the day and I tortured myself listening to the song in a loop on youtube all day.

Take care of yourself and feel free to PM me if you're having a bad day and want somebody to vent/talk with.

TDoern · 10-09-2009, 12:01 AM

These ladies are so right. It's completely normal to still be upset.

Yes, I lose our Christopher at 22 weeks, but he was 'mine' the moment that second line showed up on a pregnancy test. I would have died for our Christopher from that moment on. For me, the moment that second line appeared I had hopes, and dreams for that little baby. Christopher was life, a soul, my beautiful boy from that moment that line appeared. The moment that line appeared you became a mommy. You might say you didn't have time to bond, but you did. You felt the type of love only a parent feels when you realized there was a life growing inside of you. It's a wonderful, beautiful, scary feeling.

For me it's the moments that sneak up on me that are the hardest. Those are the moments I'm not prepared for. I know if I open the memory box for our Christopher that I'm going to cry, when I look at the precious few photo's we have of him, I know the tears are coming soon. It's looking at the clock and realizing it's been three months since I lost him, it's looking at the coffee table and remembering we'd talked about getting a new one because this one has sharp corners, it's when AF shows up and I remember she shouldn't be here, I'm still supposed to have a baby in there. Or just times when I remember all I lost - just out of no where - doing nothing, seeing nothing to bring it on - those are the times I cry the hardest, the times when I feel like I can't breathe for my heart hurts that much.

You are as normal as any one in this world is.

I hate to bring this up here - but if you haven't you need to talk to your GYN about progesterone supplements, I think. The girls here and in the TTC forum will give your more info, but women with PCOS have some lack of something that raises our chance of miscarrying, that way your next baby stays with you, and all those hopes, dreams and wishes come true.

If you ever need anyone, all the ladies here are wonderful, or you can PM me.

*hugs*
I am so sorry you are going through this.

nicholenc · 10-11-2009, 12:40 AM

Vanilla - I have pretty much the same story. Got my first BFP on 9/17 when I had a beta at the RE. Shocked when the RE called to say Congratulations - you're pregnant. My next beta was 9/22...it didn't double and was pretty low. Next beta on 9/25 it barely went up from the level on 9/22. Was told the pregnancy was not viable after an ultrasound on 9/29. I was only 5 and a half weeks pregnant too and I feel the same way you do. I am so sad but now I think the sadness has moved to anger. After struggling for many years to get pregnant, I don't understand why this happened. All I can see is what these ladies have already said, it is completely normal to be sad/angry/confused. I hope it will get better for you in time and hope you will have get a BFP and healthy pregnancy soon.

KitKat77 · 10-14-2009, 10:35 PM

I miscarried at around 5 weeks as well. I feel exactly like you do, so I think it is normal. My loss was in August and I still feel it sneaking up on me all the time. I will be fine for days, and then I have a day where everything makes me cry.

I actually read a study that said people who have struggled to get pregnant mourn any miscarriage or loss longer than people who became pregnant easily. The level of depression following miscarriage directly relates to difficulty conceiving, not the length of the pregnancy. I thought that was interesting, and it made me feel a little more normal. (Not discounting the pain of people who conceive easily, the study just made me feel less crazy)

I think any loss is difficult, have you told your doctor? Mine has been very good about following up to make sure I am doing okay. I am taking pills for anxiety temporarily, until we start trying again.

DiamondInTheRough · 10-15-2009, 02:14 AM

It makes perfect sense that a woman with fertility issues would grieve differently then one who conceived easily. The one with fertility issues not only grieves the loss of her baby, but also mourns the time spent ttc, whatever that entailed (and it often entails a whole lot). We let near strangers do pretty much anything, anywhere to our bodies. A lot of the testing is invasive, and that leaves a mental/emotional mark on many of us. It's only when all of our efforts are lost with a miscarriage that those feelings also creep up. I have vivid images of all the exams. They were so painful, and often the doctors were so insensitive. I truly felt violated. Who on earth wants to go through that again? No one wants to, but because their want for a baby is stronger, they do...

rochelly · 10-18-2009, 09:16 PM

Im am so sorry for your loss. I think pregnant is pregnant, no "Only X weeks" necessary. I miscarried at @ 14 weeks, but I only knew I was pregnant for about 6 wks. And I was in love with my baby the whole time. And it hurt so deeply, and I didnt feel it would matter if I had known the whole time or not. And yes, it sneaks up on you. It will be a year for me October 24, and I find it getting harder as the date approaches. Sometimes I am fine, but triggers come (a commercial, a birth,a pregnancy in the family, a picture) and I will burst into tears. Sobs. And I let them run their course and go about my day the best I can. I can not imagine being trated so cruelly by a health care professional. As my OB told me "A miscarriage is essentially the loss of a baby, the death of a child. You get to feel all the grief of that passing without the closure of a funeral. Don't feel embarassed by the loss you feel, and do not try to suppress the grief, it is natural." I think I was in shock for a couple months after. Then the due date swung around and I felt the tinges. Then Mothers Day & Fathers day. I didnt *feel* depressed, but anxiety & agitation started increasing. I finally say my PCP last month and let her know, and am taking s/thing for the anxiety now.

Please know that your feelings are valid, that it doesnt matter how pregnant you were. You were pregnant. And do not be afraid to ask for help if you feel like you need it. You are not alone.

Wishing you peace

knighad · 10-19-2009, 04:16 PM

You all have said it perfectly- but even though I only carried my baby for 7.5 weeks, I loved that baby will all of my heart from the very second I found out. I would have done anything to protect it and I feel like I failed. I know it was nothing that I did, but it's your instinct to feel responsible. I am so sorry for all of your losses and I hope we're all chatting on the pregnancy forum soon!