Not Mine

Julieben · 02-02-2006, 02:16 AM

Last night I got the call.
Another baby to be born.
The biggest miracle there is.
A joyous moment.
Not mine.

They said he’ll be a boy
From what the doctors saw today
It won’t be long now
Just 5 months away.

Just like the last one
And the one before
My friends moving on
With babies of their own.

It’ll happen when the time is right
When you aren’t trying
Or when you relax

Those were places I’ve already been before becoming
So impatient
That lead me to trying “too hard”
So that just hearing the word baby does the opposite of relax me

The day before I watched my step-son celebrate the anniversary of his birth.
Not knowing that it meant there was a day and a time where his mom and his dad felt
Like they had experienced God’s Greatest gift
That Gift, is not mine.

Though his daddy is a great man and is a good leader
He doesn’t know what it is like to feel
Sad that the first child wasn’t ours together.
Or that if you do receive such a gift
Will he understand the need you have to have him be experiencing firsts with me?
Or will he rattle off parenting advice or try to direct me towards what worked for him with his son and disregard my attempts at motherly instinct?
Been there done that.
But not with me.

I don’t want to go to one more baby shower.
I don’t want to answer when I’ll have kids.
I don’t want to be so happy for someone else that I feel like I’m snowblowing myself again.

I don’t want to crawl into bed to hide and tell my husband nothing is wrong. But there is something wrong. Women have babies and don’t want them, don’t care for or love them. They keep them as pawns sometimes in custody and support cases- like a paycheck. They kill their sweet babies to “save them” or because some voice told them to. They have babies when they themselves are babies.

I am not happy for anyone and I feel like a bad person for it. I shouldn’t. I won’t. Why should I when the joy is not mine?

Rebecca527 · 02-02-2006, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julieben

The day before I watched my step-son celebrate the anniversary of his birth.
Not knowing that it meant there was a day and a time where his mom and his dad felt
Like they had experienced God’s Greatest gift
That Gift, is not mine.

Though his daddy is a great man and is a good leader
He doesn’t know what it is like to feel
Sad that the first child wasn’t ours together.
Or that if you do receive such a gift
Will he understand the need you have to have him be experiencing firsts with me?
Or will he rattle off parenting advice or try to direct me towards what worked for him with his son and disregard my attempts at motherly instinct?
Been there done that.
But not with me.

While I relate to all of what you wrote, this really struck a chord with me. I feel like you took my feelings that I've never told anyone and written them straight from my heart. I have felt this way so many times, and a lot of people don't understand. (((HUGS))) to you.

Julieben · 02-02-2006, 07:51 AM

Rebecca,

Thanks for saying that. Its a tough row to hoe. Not only do us step moms have to swallow all the hurt of not being the mom of those kids, but to love them and involve them and not show that side of our feelings to them, it's not their fault

I know how much work it is though. I can't help but feel sad that this person who (in this case) my DH didn't even love or want to be with (lied about being on the depo shot and he was naive enough to believe her) is the mom to his only child. My DSS is awesome and I love him. But I want a baby that is here all the time and calls me mom, not just mommy Julie. I hope you get that too.

(((HUGS))) right back at you!

Julie

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebecca527

While I relate to all of what you wrote, this really struck a chord with me. I feel like you took my feelings that I've never told anyone and written them straight from my heart. I have felt this way so many times, and a lot of people don't understand. (((HUGS))) to you.

*pEaNuT* · 02-02-2006, 08:12 AM

*hugs*

Cassandra22 · 02-27-2006, 11:17 PM

I have two beautiful stepdaughters...
I understand this as well.
My husband is wonderful but...
He says things like "We'll have the girls for a couple of weeks. Maybe that will cure your maternal longings for a little while."
He doesn't understand.. and I could never explain to him... that while I love these precious girls to no end... I'm not their mommy. He doesn't understand why, when his youngest went through a phase when she called me "mommy" and told everyone I was her real mom.. that it made me cry while it made him chuckle. I'm terrified that it will never happen for me. And I'm just starting out on this journey...

Rebecca527 · 02-28-2006, 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julieben

Rebecca,

Thanks for saying that. Its a tough row to hoe. Not only do us step moms have to swallow all the hurt of not being the mom of those kids, but to love them and involve them and not show that side of our feelings to them, it's not their fault

I know how much work it is though. I can't help but feel sad that this person who (in this case) my DH didn't even love or want to be with (lied about being on the depo shot and he was naive enough to believe her) is the mom to his only child. My DSS is awesome and I love him. But I want a baby that is here all the time and calls me mom, not just mommy Julie. I hope you get that too.

(((HUGS))) right back at you!

Julie

We are kindred spirits I believe Julie! My situation is nearly the same...DH didn't love her, she didn't love him, used him for his money and to get a baby that she doesn't even appreciate. It is sad. I hate that some other woman has a piece of MY husband and doesn't realize what a miracle she has. Oh yeah...my stepson's birthday party is this weekend...how ironic. LOL Take care hon, I hope and pray that we are both full time mommies very soon!

Anderia · 04-10-2006, 02:59 AM

I think you wrote a great poem.....