not sure where to post this- my grandma only has weeks left...

Jenbean · 11-19-2003, 05:25 PM

Got the news last night-she was suppost to start chemo again, but they said the lung tumor was too big to get now. They gave her 6 weeks.

Just some background, my mom had me when she was 17 yo, got married to dad (also 17) and moved into this grandmas house when I was born. I am her first american grandchild (my older cousins were born in the Phillipines and she didnt meet them until later). Dad was caught cheating (at 18 yo) and mom and him got divorced. Per my mom, Grandma (his mom) was furoius at him and always liked my mom. Dad married the girl he cheated with and is married to this day to her- it took gram a long time to work up to her. Because of the anger with my dad all my life, I chose to "neglect" that side of the family- i had a step dad whose family became mine even though I had to go for weekly visitations to dads. Grandma was the only one who made me still feel as if I was part of the family- my cousins hate me because I dont come around (though I lived through many years of ridule from them- I was the FAT cousin). there would be times my mom made me ask my dad for school clothes for example-he'd have no money, grandma would buy them. When everyone else forgot me, Grandma never did. And now, her time is coming to an end and I cant stop thinking about her.

I want to tell her that even though i was never around, I'm exactly like her - genetics is a powerful thing, in fact all of my PCOS stuff is from this side of the family-how ironic that the family I wanted nothing to do with has so much influence in my life. I want to tell her that every time I see my DD's smile- i see her in it- its exactly hers. But, I will get slack from the rest of the family - I put in no effort until now, but they just dont understand. We are having a mass and a birthday party for her friday, it is not going to be a good time- it almost feels like a "living" wake is about to occur. I would love just to sit and tell my grandma everything - ALONE, but that wont be possible-the family wont let me, and i dont want to step on anyones toes.

I didnt know where to put this- its part rant, part healing. I just hope her time left is good, I will be sad to let her go- she is the strongest woman I know and did what I would have done-fought this thing till I couldnt anymore. Please say a prayer that the rest of her journey on this earth is peaceful.

Thank you for letting me get this out.

irishstjean · 11-19-2003, 05:44 PM

I'm so sorry, Jen. There are no words that will make this easier to bear, but know that you and your grandma are in my prayers.

Take it from a Hospice Nurse, TELL your Grandma what you need to her to hear from you - it doesn't matter that it's now, after a period of estrangement, what matters is that it is said. You have the right to love her as much as any of her other more available family members and loving her is what this is all about.

There are things that are acceptable a times like this that aren't well received at other times - it may be worth a try to ask for time alone with her. Worst case, write to her and have someone you trust read it to her in a moment of privacy. And pray, she'll get your message one way or another

Take good care
Jen

Sari · 11-19-2003, 08:30 PM

Definitely tell her what you want her to know. Don't worry that's it's been a while since you've seen her. She knows you love her, and she probably understands the situation better than you think. It's important that you tell her while you have the chance, because you will regret it if you don't. Spend every minute you can with her. God, what I wouldn't give to have another hour with my granny. I was in Atlanta and she was in Florida and in the hospital, and I knew she was sick but everyone told me to wait until the next morning to drive down (instead of the middle of the night) and she dies as I'm packing up the car to drive down. I really think you should insist on seeing her privately. There's got to be some time when there's no one else around. Good luck, and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Adoption Momma · 11-19-2003, 09:03 PM

Jen,

I will be praying for you and your grandmother. I understand what you're going through as I had a similiar childhood.

Honey, even if you just write her a letter, make sure you make your peace with your grandma.

If you need anything, PM me.

God bless,
Tina

PeacefulAngel · 11-19-2003, 10:37 PM

Jen
You are in my prayers sweetie. Everyone's right, you need to talk to your grandma so you can get some peace.

If you need anything, please let me know.

Hugs
Julie

daculadawg1 · 11-20-2003, 04:05 PM

I AGREE WITH THE OTHER LADIES, PLEASE TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS LIKE A MOTHER TO ME, SHE TOOK ME IN AND CARED FOR ME AND MY DOWN SYDROME SISTER.
SHE DIED 3 YRS AGO AND I STILL MISS HER VERY MUCH.
IF YOU NEED TO TALK E-MAIL ME. I DONT HAVE A HOME PC SO I GO TO THE LIBRARY TO CHECK THEM.
DACULADAWG1@YAHOO.COM

LINDA MULL

Jenbean · 11-25-2003, 03:49 PM

Grandma died yesterday (11/24). Thank goodness that I got to see her on her birthday (she had not been able to stay awake for long periods of time, on her birthday she was up the whole day) and Sunday (11/23). I came to the realization while looking around her house that she knew I loved her even though I was the "not around" grandchild. I'm at peace that she went so fast and that she went out with dignity. This world lost a very strong woman / mother / grandmother / great grandmother yesterday.

Thank you for all your replies.

Adoption Momma · 11-25-2003, 08:23 PM

Jen,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, but glad to hear you gained peace.

Keeping you in my prayers.

*HUGS*

AmyKathleen · 11-27-2003, 10:00 PM

Jen
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. I will say a prayer for her and for your family.