Now i remember why i liked being crazy

vamphile · 07-04-2004, 02:03 AM

Okay so among all my other diagnoses i am cyclothymic.

I have been taking tegretol for about three years and recently had to stop.

Suddenly (two or three weeks after i stopped) i starte FEELING again.

Rember watching something on TV that moved you. Or looking at your dog and feeling that surge of love (sorry i'm not dating anyone so my puppies are the only ones geting the surge of love at the moment)

yes there is sadness, a little, but i still am taking my antidepressants but the mood stabalizers may have been what kept me from feeling and enjoying anything...maybe.

i watched the last episode of deadwood and OMG i'm 33 and got a crush on the new sherrifff in town.

Now i know that sounds stupid but it's a familiar feeling, and one i haven't felt in a long time. I havven't FELT in a long time.

I'm afraid i might go insane, and i might, but i'm not sure i want to go back on a mood stabalizer and give up the sensation of life again.

opinions? experience with this?

bluedragonfly2000 · 07-04-2004, 08:24 PM

I have had a similar experience to you. I never used to feel anything. I use to go numb or "leave my body" lately I have found myself feeling and experiencing many things, some of which have been painful. I have found coping okay but I am still afraid like you that one day I might lose my control and feel to much or hurt to much. I guess you have to take the good with the bad.
Mel

Armastama · 07-05-2004, 04:57 PM

Hiya Vamp, I know exactly what you are talking about. Im not bipolar or what I would consider chemically depressed, but I do lean towards the darker side of life I guess.. I finally went to the shrink at some point in my life, he immediately put me on effexor.. and boom.. I felt like a zombie with absolutely no feelings, no uniqueness.. just nothing.. void of everything. Numb is a great way to put it..

I was only on it for about 3 months, came off and felt so much better.. then was diagnosed with the ADHD.. much better. turns out Im not chemically depressed, it was a situational thing (horrible alcoholic bf.. who was *extremely* suicidal and depressed.. ha! thats enough to make anyone sad). Sometimes I medicate, sometimes I dont.. it depends on what my day is like.. in some ways I feel like my D is kinda bipolarish... it has its ups and downs too.

But thats who I am. Life is really something to experience, the good times and the bad. to me its just a waste to wander around not feeling either side.

For what its worth, I think a lot of people that have similar symptoms as you go unmedicated for the same reasons, it steals your soul...

Hope today is a happy day for you

bluedragonfly2000 · 07-06-2004, 12:53 AM

You Wrote:

But thats who I am. Life is really something to experience, the good times and the bad. to me its just a waste to wander around not feeling either side.

I totally agree with you. I would rather feel bad than nothing at all. And it is amazing to feel good things.

I am just learning how to really feel and be okay with feeling and I finally feel alive.
Mel

Ms_Peaches_01 · 07-08-2004, 02:26 AM

I've heard several people say the very same things about being on antidepressants and other mood stablizers. I was on this "happy high" when I took wellbutrin and now I just feel like the real me. Several other people that I know say the same thing.

I think it's healthy to just feel things.. no matter what those feelings are. It's important to honor your feelings so you can work through them.

Peaches

vamphile · 07-18-2004, 03:02 AM

okay so it's been another week or so and now the feelings aren't all positive, and i'm scared.

Really really really scared.
I want to cry half the time
i want to hide and sleep a lot
and i really just don't know how to deal with these feelings.

i kow that i'm lonely and that my friends moving out of the area soon has me feeling like my life is getting very small, and that's normal, i mean thats a normal reaction but i don't like it.

i don't know if the ups are worth the downs. maybe zombie is just the best way i have of dealing with life, i may not be cut out for all this feeling my feelings stuff. I may just be better off letting myself go numb and not thinking aobut it.

alos my anger and agitation is back, but well, i'm not sure if that's related to this or something, i don't know, i do know i'm ramblling, sop i'll shut up now.

patti plummer · 07-19-2004, 07:24 PM

Hey---
Just wanted to let you know I have been on and off of my meds for years for the exact reason you are talking about. After getting off of them my moods would fall quickly and I could not stop crying. I tried different meds to help me back up and I still fight the fight. For myself I have found I have to stick with the meds to be sure I can still function. Maybe trying a different medication would help you feel more yourself and not go numb. There are so many more out there you might ask your doctor for a change.

smiles,
Patti

vamphile · 07-19-2004, 11:31 PM

I saw a doctor today who prescirbed risperdal in place of the tegretol, and hopefully this will work better.
of course, new meds are walways a scary thing when you factor in how many meds i already take

Sometimes this board makes me feel much better because i realize i'm not alone and this isn't all my fault (i'm not jsut a lazy fat girl, there's something real that's wrong with me)

sometimes the board overwhelms me with how big the problem is, how many of us there are and how many little tricks PCOS has up it's sleeve.