O.k. history of sex. abuse...another family member...

calches · 08-13-2007, 01:28 AM

o.k. i have a ?...I think that I have asked this before and I have asked this of adoption agency...and they didn't think anything of it...I am tired of having to justify myself when it comes to this issue...when I was growing up one of my cousins sexually abused one of my other cousins...it was all very bad, and everything is fine now. But, this is my immediate family and while I am not ashamed or embarassed for this person b/c i know that they have paid their retribution and they have changed. He is now married and has 2 children.

Since dh and I are getting ready to really do this whole adoption thing, I was not going to address it. B/c my children will not be around this person, so why do I have to address it? Well, I was just reading that for our references they are asked if they know of anything sex/emotional/phy. abuse...well...I guess that if my ref. are going to bring it up then I am going to have bring it up with them.

I don't want this to be a black mark on us. I don't know. I am now so mad. That nothing I/nor my dh did are going to have to justify this.

I know what ya'll are going to say that yes I do need to tell the adoption agency and yes, we are...it is just....UGH!!!

anang · 08-13-2007, 08:27 PM

this could be an ok thing because it shows you know what to do when "issues" arise. No one is perfect there are always some problems in families but dealing with it and not sweeping it under the carpet makes you look like a better parent for a child.

Sister66 · 08-14-2007, 01:49 AM

Even though it's already in your future plan of action, You may be required to provide something in writing saying that your adopted child has no contact with this person because of their history.

toomuchcoffeelady · 09-05-2007, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by calches

But, this is my immediate family and while I am not ashamed or embarassed for this person b/c i know that they have paid their retribution and they have changed. He is now married and has 2 children.

I'm sorry to tell you, people like that don't change. I'm sure his children will one day be able to elaborate.

If I were you, I would leave this person out of the adoption proceedings and your child's life altogether.

calches · 09-06-2007, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toomuchcoffeelady

I'm sorry to tell you, people like that don't change. I'm sure his children will one day be able to elaborate.

If I were you, I would leave this person out of the adoption proceedings and your child's life altogether.

Thanks for the imput but I have talked about this on another board that is actually adopted to the adoption topic. I brought this up and while some did agree with you, I am going to be completely honest with my sw and bm. I don't see him all that often, and I am not going to cut my neices out.

Oh and while I have not known any sex offenders other than my brother, I can assure you that he has changed. I know that you are going to disagree with me on that, but seriously some of them can.

And I also don't understand what you mean on the how his kids will be able to elaborate with they are older? As in they are going to be abused? I think that if that is what you mean then shame on you. You have never met him, and come on. We only here about the offenders that are repeats, how come we never hear about the ones that DON'T!!!! There are no statics on that one. We as a society don't want to believe a person can change. I think that with God, anything/anyone can change.

I am sorry to get on my soap box, but this happened when my brother was 12! This has been a long long time ago. And there is a big...even huge...difference between kids and adults on this issue.

I am sorry to have even asked this. Please don't think that I am ranting at you, but I feel very strongly about defending him. I always have. Even if I do know what he did.

anang · 09-06-2007, 02:01 PM

Soap box if you want to. Having been through this with your brother will make you a stronger advocate for your children I think most sw will see it this way. stay strong

DStout · 09-06-2007, 06:08 PM

IMHO, a typical 12 year old is not capable of being a sex offender in the true predatory adult sense. Most 12 year olds are merely curious and may do inappropriate things and exhibit deviant behaviour but I don't feel as though they should be labeled as sex offenders. With a little maturity and some redirection I feel it is entirely possible to move on beyond the behaviour. How many of us played you show me yours and I will show you mine as kids? Today that is a jailable offense - years ago it was playing doctor and part of normal childhood/adolescent curiosity. I'm not even sure it warrants being discussed. None of us are the same as when we were 12.
Good luck with your adoption. I hope it moves quickly for you!

Miss-Meme · 09-07-2007, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by calches

I am going to be completely honest with my sw and bm.

Can I ask why you feel the need to tell this to your Bmom? I can understand telling the SW. But I don't think I see a need to tell the bmom. Not that you would keep it a secret but some things are best let unsaid. You don't go around telling everyone do you.

toomuchcoffeelady · 09-07-2007, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by calches

Thanks for the imput but I have talked about this on another board that is actually adopted to the adoption topic. I brought this up and while some did agree with you, I am going to be completely honest with my sw and bm. I don't see him all that often, and I am not going to cut my neices out.

Oh and while I have not known any sex offenders other than my brother, I can assure you that he has changed. I know that you are going to disagree with me on that, but seriously some of them can.

And I also don't understand what you mean on the how his kids will be able to elaborate with they are older? As in they are going to be abused? I think that if that is what you mean then shame on you. You have never met him, and come on. We only here about the offenders that are repeats, how come we never hear about the ones that DON'T!!!! There are no statics on that one. We as a society don't want to believe a person can change. I think that with God, anything/anyone can change.

Well, I've never met him, but all you tell me is that he sexually abused a child (and, you don't mention his age at the time in your original post, not to mention it is unclear as to whether he is your brother or your cousin) and you expect me to have a positive view of this guy?

And yes, that his kids could be abused is exactly what I meant. People who sexually abuse children have a 10-40% recidivism rate; it's not the most riduculous conclusion. If I were you, I wouldn't leave my child (adopted or natural) alone with this guy.

calches · 09-07-2007, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss-Meme

Can I ask why you feel the need to tell this to your Bmom? I can understand telling the SW. But I don't think I see a need to tell the bmom. Not that you would keep it a secret but some things are best let unsaid. You don't go around telling everyone do you.

No, I certainly don't go around telling ppl about this, actually I don't say anything...but I understand that when it comes to adoption, that nothing is left unsaid...I wasn't planning on bringing it up at all at 1st, but I realize now that I am....I didn't mean to say that I was going to tell the bm...but I can see where that might an ommision...and she has the right to know...I don't know...

calches · 09-07-2007, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toomuchcoffeelady

Well, I've never met him, but all you tell me is that he sexually abused a child (and, you don't mention his age at the time in your original post, not to mention it is unclear as to whether he is your brother or your cousin) and you expect me to have a positive view of this guy?

And yes, that his kids could be abused is exactly what I meant. People who sexually abuse children have a 10-40% recidivism rate; it's not the most riduculous conclusion. If I were you, I wouldn't leave my child (adopted or natural) alone with this guy.

I am sorry to be so vague in my intial post. Yes, he was 12.

I do not plan to leave my child alone with him, I barely see him now. I.E. Christmas. That is it.

And while at the same time, I know that it could happen, but with what I have seen (and I have look at the rate, what he was classified for less that 5.8% do it again) so I think that the odds are that he is not. I know that I can't do anything that he is going to make what he did right, by any standards, but I was there, I have seen, I had to live in the same house with him. It was literal hell, that we all went through. I have no doubt that he will not do it again, and that I have to just trust God on this.

Cynthia03 · 09-07-2007, 01:53 PM

Hey Sweetie, You've got a lot to deal with here. I think you have had some good advice about how to let it lie, be careful with leaving your kids.... but really the thing is the adoption agency probably isn't looking for an incident (s?) that happened with young minors so long ago. I'm sure he isn't a registered pedophile, so they probably won't go there at all. One of my adopted children was exposed to a relative who WAS a registered pedophile, and they did inform of us of that. We watched her closely and redirected any "innocent but questionable" behavior- usually in the bath. We may never know what, if anything occurred, but we have been open minded about it. What it comes down to is trying to do your best for your child, being aware of potential circumstances, and trusting your instincts. When all else fails, try "Knee Mail" HE answers all who knock.

Miss-Meme · 09-07-2007, 03:29 PM

It is true that it is unclear if this is a cousin or brother. In your first post you say

Quote:

when I was growing up one of my cousins sexually abused one of my other cousins.

Then in the next you say

Quote:

while I have not known any sex offenders other than my brother

If it is your cousin, I personaly don't think you need to bring it up to either the SW or Bmom (I don't like using BM because it also means...poop)

Why do you feel that she has a need to know that your cousin done this? So if another one of your cousin, say went to jail for a short time...would you tell her that too?

Your I don't feel that you are hiding anything by not saying anything.

calches · 09-07-2007, 04:11 PM

See, in my 1st post, I lied (I don't want ya'll to think bad of me for having a brother that is labeled a sex offender)...so there it is he is my brother...that is why the sw will need to know.

Babydust4me · 09-09-2007, 04:49 AM

I don't think she will need to know nor care. This is about you, your husband and your life with an adopted child.

I would just let it go unless it specifically comes up.

And no one should think bad of you for what your brother did in his past. It wasnt you.