October 2009 Due Date Losses..

R0xyg4l · 03-24-2009, 01:14 AM

Hello ladies, I saw there were a few of us posting here without actually being brought together to one place to talk. So I thought I would create this so we can talk about the millions of different emotions we're experiencing and work towards healing and moving on.

Let the healing begin...

R0xyg4l · 03-24-2009, 01:27 AM

I thought I'd share my story first... I went to my first OB appt last Friday the 20th of March. I had expected a wonderful report and to my surprise while looking at the screen with my OB we find no "blink" as we called it. At the time I had no obvious signs of m/c. I was given the options of letting it happen naturally which I know can be very physically and emotionally taxing, taking pills which just didn't sound appealing or getting a D&C. I opted for a D&C since I just had one in October for a 16 wk pregnancy loss and I'm somewhat familiar with them. My D&C is scheduled for this Wednesday along with a repeat u/s for "peace of mind" as my MD put it. I started spotting today (Monday night). At this point I'm just praying my body holds out till Wednesday. It seems to me IMO that when you do it naturally sometimes it can take a bit longer for betas to go down, and I just think I wouldn't be able to handle the hemorrhaging and clots. I'd rather go asleep, wake up spotting and move along.

After this m/c I'm going to make my OB due repeat loss bloodwork. I know they generally do it after 2 m/c but I'm going to make sure she does it Wednesday. I have to know if something is wrong which is has to be. Neither one of my m/c were from progesterone deficiences or your classic m/c I suppose (what is classic anyways?). Each time with my m/c I have no clue till I get that u/s and find out. I'm really thinking it must be hypothyroidism, a blood deficiency or possibly autoimmune... it has to be something. All I know is I'm not giving up. This isn't my last stop on my TTC journey. I WILL have another baby one day... no matter what. Getting pregnant is half the battle, the other half is getting a healthy baby in your arms... the rest is easy.

I hope everyone else is doing well. I find music particularly comforting. I feel like I'm healing more this time than last time. Last time I had my D&C on October 31st and around Christmas into January I was a complete mess. I'm trying to let the emotions flow as the come.

wannabamama · 03-24-2009, 10:21 AM

Kristina - thanks for the link.

As you know, yesterday was supposed to be my third and last u/s with my RE. When the u/s tech did the ultrasound, I had a feeling something just wasn't right, and it was confirmed when she said she had to go get the doctor, which she's never said/done before. There was a sac and the outline of the baby, but no heartbeat. My RE couldn't believe it or explain it, and I was just floored. He started immediately reviewing everything and then saw how the baby was only measuring 7w5d, and yesterday I was 8w6d. So, sometime last week the baby stopped growing.

He told me I could wait until it passes, but you don't know how long it takes and I could clot. He recommended the D&C because of less clotting and possibly less blood. So, my OB appt. is today anyway, and I already called her office to let them know the situation. She'll talk me through the process and I hope she'll be able to do the procedure. I feel funny knowing the baby is not alive, but still there.

I think the hardest part was explining this to DD. She was so sad about not becoming a big sister. I told her mommy and daddy will try again and she will be a big sister one day.
Someone on another thread talked about having the blood/tissue tested for chromosomal issues, which I will ask about. Also, the RE told me I would have to wait at least 2 months before TTC again. We'll see what my OB says.

Just a dull feeling of pain and loss is surrounding me now.

TTCTeacher · 03-24-2009, 11:31 AM

Well here is mine:

Never been pregnant-well a chemical in November-but that was fishy-had bleeding and then week later + beta of 10-so the Re suspected a chemical.....

I am 36-about to be 37. DH has low sperm motility and morphology, so we get very little sperm after washing for IUI's, so we have been told a million times we need IVF-but not going to happen for us

And Dh smokes, which now pisses me off even more because we need him to quit to improve his numbers and that is gonna take months.

I had lap/hys on jan. 9th-started provera and got Af 1/24. Did Follistim and then an IUI on 2/7. Took Hpt's on 10,11,12dpo=all BFN. Went into HUGE depression. Next day took a FRER just in case-BFP! 4 more over the next few days-PREGNANT! I thought that surgery was my miracle worker because the Re did remove a HUGE polyp that was filling my uterus!

Betas were perfect, 129, 395, and then 3000! RE said everything was textbook. On crinone since the IUi and the p4 was 10, then 18, so he was happy with that and upped the crinone to 3x a day-never even spotted or anything.

First u/s-everything was fine-got a picture, felt good, but nervous because we only had a flutter heartbeat! However the RE said everything was ok-no need to worry and I will admit his machine is GARBAGE-and since I had a ton more u/s last week at other places I really cant believe I will ever trust his u/s machine again.

So we made the next u/s for a week later. I had the day off of work to do paperwork and so I made the appt. for early am so I could do work all day at home.

He started the dildo cam and I immediately knew something was wrong. I saw how big the sac was-I kept saying where's the baby? OMG, where??? he wouldnt answer. Then he saw the baby-and so did I. I was flipping out-I couldnt see a HB. The RE wasnt talking. I knew it, I know what a 7.5 week u/s should look like. The RE turned the screen so he could see better and took my HB and then said he was getting the other RE. She came in and I was sahaking hysterically. he showed her and she said "I wouldnt say miscarriage, however I would call this indeterminate". I SAID send me to a better machine!!!!

I was crying uncontrollably. The Re scheduled me to the radiology lab and was sooo kind. We had 2 hours to wait and i was told to drink water so we went to the store and i drank water and cried.

Went to the radiology and she did a regular u/s then vaginal. There was no HB-and she even listened for one. She said the baby died sometime within the week before the appt. the baby was CRL of only 6.5 weeks.

I went home and was told I could stop crinone and call in a week if nothing happened or he would schedule a D and C.

I talked to a friend and decided to call him back and ask for a D and C. he had me cal my OBGYN. They brought me in the next morning and the OB suggested the D and C for safety. he also said I could have another u/s or as many as I wanted.

We scheduled the D and C for the next morning with an u/s at the office first. This u/s was comforting because I had definitive proff the baby has passed so I had comfort knowing the D and C I was about to have was NOT an abortion

.

Let's just say I am NO LONGER PRO CHOICE! The baby I saw, even at 6w4d was a BABY! I couldnt imagine going through a D and C for a baby who has a heart beating! OMFG!

Why did this happen? Why did it take me 8 years to even get one positive and then end like this? Why do crack heads deliever their baies...I mean I know they are sick-but how do they survive in a hostile drug filled womb and mine didnt when I was taking such good care of it?

UGHHHHHHHHHH I am pissed off today

wannabamama · 03-24-2009, 09:52 PM

Saw my OB this afternoon. Still no cramping or bleeding. Confirmed what RE said about having the D&C, which will be on Thursday morning. They'll call me with the time. She did say I can start TTC again within a month.

I got some information from her for support groups within the area. We'll see......

hil · 03-24-2009, 11:05 PM

Hi,
Roxy, I'll be having my d+c tomorrow too. I'm so sorry for all of us.

I am blessed with a 3 year old son after alot of clomid (I totally know how lucky I am). This was TTC#2 for me, and it was not going well. But the higher dose of femera worked...I had hoped I was done. That I could had in my RE parking sticker, etc. But I never do anything the "easy" way.

Had one spotting episode at 6 weeks. U/s at 7 weeks showed 5 weeks baby with slow heartbeat. The u/s after that showed a little stronger h/b, the one after that, a little stronger. Then I took a break. I went in today at 9w3d and no heart beat. D+c tomorrow. (office procedure without anesthesia...what am I thinking).

After over 2 weeks of this, knowing it would end, I'm glad it will be over. I still have mymoments but no more hysteria like with the first u/s. At that point, I realized through the hysteriaI needed to decide....keep going or just stop. I decided to keep going. It's my mantra...keep going. It helps. But I still have my moments.

hil · 03-24-2009, 11:07 PM

Oh, and I agree, wannabeamama, answering my boy's "What happened to your baby, Momma," breaks my heart!

JustinsMama · 03-24-2009, 11:16 PM

Thanks for starting this thread Kristina, I'd love to join. Again, I'm so sorry you are here again. For those of you who don't know my story, I have an almost 3-year-old son and everything went perfectly with that pregnancy. When I started trying to conceive #2, things haven't gone well. I found out I have PCOS, endo, and I suffered my 3rd m/c about a month ago (Oct. 7 edd). After my 2nd loss I started seeing an RE and went through all the repeat pregnancy loss testing. That was when the fibroids/endo was discovered so I had a lap to remove it. Nothing else was found in my testing. I was on progesterone and baby aspirin for my latest pregnancy and still, it ended in m/c. This one was particularly hard for me because I felt like I had done everything I could to prevent it from happening again, and still it happened again. For this latest loss, I had a D&C with chromosomal testing. I meet with my RE in 2 weeks to go over the results and talk about what's next. I'm strongly suspecting autoimmune issues even though it didn't show up in my bloodwork, I have an autoimmune thyroid condition which acted up around the time of the m/c. I'm planning to push for heparin next time. So sorry we have to be here, but its good to have others who understand what we are going through. ((Hugs)) to all of you.

TTCTeacher · 03-25-2009, 01:02 AM

Hil and Roxy-I will honestly pray for you to have strength tomorrow. Physically you will be fine-I say this because it keeps me going-like at least we have an MD to be there and ensure our uterus(es) will be clean and on the orad to recovery. It might sound stupid, but I need something to believe, y'know? I am returning to acupuncture tomorrow at 1 pm, hopefully it will make me feel better and not cry too much when she will ask what happened, but after that I will be here to check on you both!!!

Possible TMI**
Tonight I was having pain-like the pain I had when I hyperstimmed or when I ovulated one cycle like 7-8 follicles! It urt so bad when I would sit at the table-like I was sitting on a tampon the size of a can-but of course no tampon was in! It was also pressure/pain when urinating. I can only say it felt like when I had my mega-ovulation which led to mild OHSS. Of course I am not ovulating-that would be fked up...but should I call and ask about it or just see what happenes. I think ill see how I feel tomorrow-must have just been some weird cramps or something.

Spotting has seemed to stop today, thats good I hope

My thoughts and prayers are being sent to you both now-please stay strong and healthy! Stay as calm as you can for the procedure so you will be relaxed and it will go smoothly. (((HUGE HUGE HUG))))))

R0xyg4l · 03-25-2009, 06:31 PM

Jenn ~ I know how you feel. I felt very similiar to you this time but especially with my 16 wk loss. I told them I wanted the D&C ASAP. Luckily we found out on a Wednesday and my D&C was Friday that time around. I know this may sound crazy and maybe a bit demented but I kinda felt like my womb was a coffin. I wanted to the baby out ASAP... for that reason and being able to move on.

Also, I know how you feel about your DD. To me that was the absolutely worse. This time she wasn't so distraught but last time she was so attached that she just cried and cried. I felt so horrible telling her. You never know what a kid is thinking so we just continue to talk about it as much as we both can handle. But I too told her she'd be a big sister one day it'll just be a little bit. When is your DD's bday? My DD was 5, just turned six. I feel really guilty we waited so long to start TTC and she'll never have that closeness to a sibling. But at the same time I know she has always required a lot of attention and I'm glad we were able to give it to her.

Good luck tomorrow, I'll be thinking about you! With my D&C I was asleep one minute and awake the next. It really wasn't bad at all. I didn't even need anything for pain after. You'll be in my thoughts, I'm sure it will go smoothly.

Jen ~ With my last m/c I had to go to the radiology dept too. I sat there crying uncontrollably while everyone stared at me. It was a horrible experience. This time when my MD went to look at the baby initially we had talked about all the stuff I was doing to prevent another m/c from happening again, then as she started the u/s I heard a big *sigh*. I looked and I said "There's no blink is there?" She said "No I'm afraid not". So I essentially did the same thing you did for the pre D&C u/s. I had passed it all naturally so no D&C for me. I wanted to be as oblivious as possible about the down and dirty part of m/c. But I had to go through it. The MD said she was shocked my body started the process so early.

I understand how you're pissed. My babysitter is due a week after I was due with my 16 wk abortion. Though she's a good mom... she already has 3 kids. To me it's like what bad karma have I ever created to have to keep going through this? I've always tried to be the best person I could be. But instead I'm having to continue to face disappointment.

One thing after my last m/c I found out is A LOT of people that you may not even know about, your close friends, your mom, your aunt, etc.... a lot of them have had m/c. It shocks me at how common it is. And it shocks me at how common it is that people that seem a little less deserving of children always seem to have them (Lets just think OctoMom here...).

That sounds wicked painful what you experienced last night! For some reason the metaphor really spoke to me and I cringed for a minute. I wouldn't expect ovulation to be happening it's way too soon. It NEVER hurts to call and ask! Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts! I'm doing well!

R0xyg4l · 03-25-2009, 06:32 PM

Hil ~ I feel you. With my 16 wk m/c initially they thought it was ectopic. I went in for two early u/s to show no h/b. Then they did betas and it rose exactly the minimal amount they want it to (60%). Then we finally found a hb. And out of the blue at my 16 wk check up no hb. We thought we were good but it's amazing how stressful it was leading up to that point.

You're a brave woman. I wouldn't do a D&C like that but after I got my first D&C I got a little tattoo for the bebe and it hurt like hell but not as much as I hurt inside. Thats what I kept focusing on. Theres a song called "Move Along" and I keep playing it and it helps me to keep looking ahead. Another baby WILL happen for me and I'm sure the rest of us one day... it's the waiting that stinks!

Stacy ~ I'm so sorry we are in another due date loss thread together. I really thought we'd get through this pregnancy without an complications. I hope that the choromosomal testing gives you some insight as to what is going on. Do you think you have Hashimoto's? They can test for the antibodies. I think I'm going to have my MD check. I want all possible tests she can order. When are you given the go ahead to start again?

AFM ~ Well I kinda explained stuff already but I'll start from the beginning. I started spotting Monday night and it never really turned into anything. I've had a HORRIBLE sinus infection with lots of coughing and a very sore throat. I called my MD on Tuesday morning to let her know about the spotting and the sinus infection. She ordered me a Zpack to start taking and reminded me if I needed to overnight Tuesday to call the MD on call if need be. So I had to have nothing by mouth after midnight so I took a ton of 12 hr meds and Tylenol to hopefully last me into the D&C. In the middle of the night I was coughing my head off (thank you post nasal drip!). I then sneezed around 230, still unable to sleep from coughing and all of a sudden I had this HUGE gush. I was like "Oh sh*t"... got up real fast went into the bathroom and just sat on the loo thinking OMG this is so happening... right now. I finally composed myself enough to get up, clean up myself and the nasty mess on my floor (thank you hardwood!). I went in to call the MD... the answering service was ever so nice to ask "When is your EDD?" I started crying and told him I am miscarrying (thinking he was a big jacka**). The MD called me back and told me to take three ibuprofen for the intense cramping. I had another coughing spell but beforehand was smart enough to go to the BR and passed another clot. My DH was up the whole time just watching me in horror feeling helpless. Finally, the bleeding had pretty much stopped except for a bit of spotting and my DH got me a hot water bottle and I was able to sleep some from about 5 am till 8 am. We got up and first thing I told my MD is I don't think we're going to be doing a D&C. She was completely shocked, saying the body doesn't usually react so fast (my DH said my body was p*ssed). So we did the u/s beforehand and found only one little clot left that I'm thinking is going to pass soon by my cramping. Then she pat me on my rear (not literally thank goodness) and said see you in two weeks. At that time we'll do testing and go from there. I told her I kinda hope they find something on the repeat loss testing so we can ideally fix it and move on. She's going to test my DH too to see if it's anything chromosomal. I doubt it since we do have my DD.

So for now I'm taking my head off TTC and focusing on myself. I have the next week off from work (I don't go back till not this Sunday but the next). Then I work my 3 days a week and am off to visit all my family in Indiana). I think it'll be a good chance to heal. Last time it took me a while to really start to get it all out. I'm trying to let it flow as it comes this time around. I don't think though after a m/c that you're ever completely healed. There is always a little piece of you that is missing.

Good luck Jenn & Hil. I hope everything has gone well for you Hil and will go well for you Jenn. Please update us soon.

R0xyg4l · 03-25-2009, 06:39 PM

I just wanted to post the lyrics of the song thats been helping me feel better... there's actually two. I listen to alternative rock... I think thats what other people call it lol. One is Foo Fighters "Best of You".

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Then there is All American Rejects "Move Along"...

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
[fade out]

I posted these because in all reality song lyrics are nothing short of poems. These are helping me get along and I hope that by reading them they will help you. If you have any poems, lyrics, etc that you think would be beneficial please don't hesitate to share.

hil · 03-25-2009, 07:36 PM

d+c is over and I am much relieved. I saw the sac and tissue, so that's out. I had an office procedure without anesthesia (d+c, d+?, not sure the exact name), so the lining has to shed still...like a bad period. Since my doc has been through one, I know I can trust her. Can't express how comforting she has been. Now home in bed with some juice and pain meds. More later,
hil

hil · 03-25-2009, 07:36 PM

and thanks everyone (sorry a bit drugged).

R0xyg4l · 03-25-2009, 09:05 PM

Hil ~ I'm glad everything went well. Don't apologize for being a little bit drugged... I'm a little jealous, I'd love some pain meds to help pass this last clot lol. Keep us updated on how you're doing!