October 2009 Due Date Losses.. - Page 2

wannabamama · 03-25-2009, 10:50 PM

Sorry....took a break from everything yesterday

hil and Stacy - So sorry for your losses. Hil, I'm glad you got through the procedure today.

Jen - I've been having pain yesterday and more intense today. It kind of feels like braxton hicks contractions I had with DD, but getting more intense. My D&C is scheduled for 8:30am tomorrow morning.

Kristina - My DD just turned 5 on January 9. She's the best, and still is telling me how she really wants to be a big sister. I do sometimes think I should have tried earlier but I know I'm not the one who can always plan everything, even though I try to. I agree that this process has brought many people closer to me - My mom told me that she went through 1 miscarriage too after my brother and before me. She's trying to encourage me to stay strong and just try again quick. I can't describe how I'm feeling right now.

DH is saying we should take a few months off and try to loose a few pounds. I'm wondering if he's saying that for my sake, his sake, or if he is truly just shaken up by all of this. Well, I'm hoping and praying that everything goes fine tomorrow. Even though I went to work today (I know, I'm a crazy woman) I'm not going back this week, and my bosses already know that next week is a big question mark. I think the time alone will help me to cry, grieve, and think about what I want to try next. But like your Kristina, I'm being positive and looking forward. I still think about my baby and what could of been, but I know that another blessing is coming.

wannabamama · 03-25-2009, 10:53 PM

BTW - I'll at least let you all know how I'm doing.

A fellow coworker was sooo insensitive. After I called her up cyring hysterically from the RE's office Monday morning, she didn't call or anything to check on me. When I came in today, she just said, "Oh Jenn, I just didn't know what to say." Um, how about I'm sorry for your loss? THen, when I explained about the D&C tomorrow and that I wouldn't be going to a workshop on Friday, she had the GALL to ask me WHY? I think my look said it all, because she immediately retracted her statement and was like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Iguess you need to recover." WTF? Is it me being overly sensitive, or is she just F*****ing insensitive?!?!?!?!?

R0xyg4l · 03-25-2009, 10:59 PM

Wow Jenn, she sounds wicked insensitive. Obviously, it's someone that has never been through anything close to what you're going through or she'd have a bit more of compassion. I immediately got a MD note and gave it to my boss. She covered my shifts with no question and asked me to update her on how I was doing. I feel really fortunate that she's supportive. I wish your coworker thought before she decided to speak and would take lessons on how to be kind to someone in a rough time.

wannabamama · 03-25-2009, 11:22 PM

Kristina - WHEW! I was hoping that I wasn't being overly sensitive.

You know, talking to my close friends and posting on this thread is really helping me to not be as hysterical as I though I would be. I know tomorrow is going to be a different story, but having places and compassionate people to just talk to and vent is a BIG help. I got some info. on local support groups from my OB/GYN, but I'm thinking about finding a therapist to help me sort through my feelings. Another cyster on a thread that I'm on said when she went through her m/c, she found a therapist, and it helped tremendously, and she still goes. Just a thought. But, I don't know how I'll fit it in, and I'm sure whomever I would like wouldn't take my insurance........... there's always something.

Also, one happy note is that I registered DD for Kindergarten yesterday! Very exciting and fun, but equally sad as she's not my "baby" anymore. She asked me again tonight about hte baby......

Anyway, I'm signing off for tonight to try and prepare for the morning.

Thank you - ALL of you.

TTCTeacher · 03-25-2009, 11:56 PM

Jenn_ I am so sorry your co-worker was a dumb btch! People suck sometimes! I have already heard "well at least you werent farther along". Ummmm FK YOU! ( oh by the way I am in the swearing stage today-I am soooo super pissed off today, I hope its normal) Be warned i am not usually this big of a btch, heehee........

For example:

My co-teacher called me Sunday night ( left message) and asked if I would be in Monday "for the kids". Ummm fk the kids-I really dont give a chit about them right now. Not how was I doing-but worrying about the stupid kids-because we had their IEp meetings Monday, and I am the special ed teacher-so she did not need to be concerned. Anyways the special ed chair and my principal wanted to cancel the meetings and told me to stay home as long as I needed to. So I decided to stay off for the week. I called her back and left her a message saying I would be out all week and she could call me if she needed more information from me-she never did. I swear I have always worried about work and others first and now I feel terrible but I no longer care. I am taking care of me!!! ( and DH)

Jenn-I know tomorrow will be horrible, but if I can give you any advice-stay strong until its over-you dont wanna have complications from anesthesia by being hysterical, but the Dr did tell me he could relax me w/ drugs, but I stayed strong until after. I pray for your strength and I hope we can all stay together because I feel so alone and distraught in all of this, and we could end up pregnant together soon, right???? Be strong tomorrow sweetheart and take care of yourself and do your best.

Hi roxy and Hil. Hil please heal fast-I pray youre feeling ok tonight!!!

hil · 03-26-2009, 12:30 AM

Jen and Jenn, wow, those are some insensitive people! I hope that's the last time you have to deal with that. I think the time of is a great idea. We'll see how I do tomorrow...I walk alot at work. Lots of ibuprofen!

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, Jenn. Deep breathing did really help me while waiting.

And Kristina, it really is the future big siblings ?s that are the hardest, I think. My boy is 3, but intuitive enough to know. sigh.

I'm much more crampy right now since my bleeding is picking up.
Good night, happy dreams.

R0xyg4l · 03-26-2009, 12:33 AM

Jenn ~ It's exciting getting read for kindergarten! My DD is in kindergarten this year. She's doing great. My DD is so independent that she had no problem saying goodbye to me that day lol.

I use to see a therapist regularly before my insurance changed. I actually had seen the same therapist for quite a few years. I've always found it to be helpful. She really helps to put things in perspective and help you redirect your thoughts. It's great insight, I think it'll be great for you!

When I had my D&C with my 16 wk loss, they were talking to me asking me my favorite place to be, so I started talking about going to Myrtle Beach and what I love about it... next thing I knew I woke up in recovery. I hope you have as pleasant of an experience as you possibly can have for what it is. This is the final goodbye and then you can continue to move on.

BTW what part of the East Coast are you from?

Jen ~ I work with DDS girls, you're in a great field. I'm sure you find it very rewarding. However, even though I have "my girls" at work, I wouldn't put them before myself or my family.

Thanks I feel OK, my sinus infection is diminishing, the cramps are horrid but I'm making it through with the hot water bottle mainly.

R0xyg4l · 03-26-2009, 12:40 AM

Hil ~ I feel you, I'm not bleeding very much but am ever so crampy. I know I have one more clot to get rid of. I wish it would come on and get it over with. In the back of my head I'm scared that at my next appt I'll find out I didn't pass it all and have to go back in for a D&C. *sigh* I really hope that doesn't happen. My luck is not really very good right now.

Last week I learned one of the girls at my work was getting new dressers so I asked my boss that if they had nothing else to do with the dressers we'd love to have them for the baby. So... now I have dressers my DH picked up today as now we're obligated (they're still nice dressers) but no baby... *sigh* My DD asked why we were getting them and I said for your baby brother and sister (she thinks we'll have one of each...she's desperate for twins lol). She just said OK and went about her day. She's very smart but luckily she's not overly asking me too much stuff about things right now.

I think I have a small confession to make... there's this book out called "The Secret". It essentially goes off of the law of attraction. So essentially if you think something is going to happen it will. So I had been buying stuff just about every week for the baby. I even went out on a limb and got a baby book that I had started filling out to create that positive energy... I really thought this would work out well. It seems like times like these really test every belief system you have. Needless to say I'm throwing away the book soon probably with a lot of tears in my eyes (I did mess up on one page...). I never really told anyone about that... I'm so sad I have to get rid of it now.

I was thinking too tonight, my MD said I was only on a really low does of metformin. For my next pregnancy she wants me on 1k to 2k of metformin. I don't have a problem taking that dose but I don't understand why if my hormones aren't really messed up why I have to take such a high dose. With my 16wk m/c I had taken no metformin at all and made it farther than my 9 wk m/c on 500 mg. *shrug* I hope this all works itself out.

JustinsMama · 03-26-2009, 10:58 AM

Hil-I'm glad to hear your D&C went well.

Jenn-Good luck with your D&C today. I'll be thinking about you today, let us know how it goes when you feel o.k. And I'm sorry about your insensitive coworker. I swear, some people just don't get it.

Jen-Its completely normal to be pissed. I'm doing a little better now since a little time has passed for me, but boy was I pissed when it happened. I was pissed at God, the universe, all the unfit people in the world that pop out babies with no problem, etc. etc. Take care of you right now, don't worry about "the kids".

Kristina-I do have hashimoto's thyroid, I've already tested positive for the antibodies. I'm on synthroid for it, but my RE tested my thyroid levels after the m/c and they had gone hypo again and I had to have my synthroid raised. So maybe that was a contributing factor, I don't know, but I am really suspecting autoimmune and would like to try heparin even though my bloodwork didn't show the autoimmunity. I've found other women who didn't test positive but still had success with heparin and I've read that it can come and go in bloodwork and sometimes you have to test a few times before it will show up. At this point, I'm just feeling desperate and want to try anything that may help. I hope you are hanging in there.

AFM-I'm leaving for a much needed vacation to Disney World on Sunday. The Monday after I come back I meet with my RE to go over the chromosomal testing results and to talk about getting back in the TTC saddle. I can't decide if I'm ready to try again, or if I want to put it off another month. I'm so terrified of going through this again, the joy and excitment of TTC and pregnancy has been stolen from me.

And about being too sensitive, tell me if I'm being overly sensitive about this: First of all, 2 of DH's sister's are preg right now, a few months ahead of where I would be, so that has been loads of fun for me. (note sarcasm) His 3rd sister has an infant (Yeah, his family is pretty much hell for a repeat miscarrier) and she has been borrowing all DS's baby clothes since her baby was born. I let her use them because she has always been very generous and caring towards me and helped me out a ton when DS was born. It did secretly bother me a little though, because her baby was born a month before my edd with my first angel baby, and I was suppoded to need those baby clothes myself, you know? So anyway, she has been returning them to me when her son grows out of them and asking for the next bigger size. We were over at the inlaws yesterday and one of my preg SIL's was there (she is having a boy too). She started bugging us to get DS's newborn clothes out for her to borrow. It really irked me. Once again, I was supposed to need those baby clothes myself. I never got an "I'm sorry for your loss" or anything from her. Not to mention, this is her first baby so she is going to get a ton of baby clothes at her shower. (Which I'm totally dreading going to, by the way.) It's making me really sad, I was in a horrible mood last night because of this. And not only that, I want to keep my baby clothes in good shape because I WILL have another baby if it kills me. They will be worn out if all these babies keep wearing them while I keep miscarrying all my pregnancies.

Am I being overly sensitive and selfish, or should I just let everyone use all my baby stuff?

R0xyg4l · 03-26-2009, 12:42 PM

Stacy ~ Enjoy DisneyWorld! Thats a nice vacation to get things of your mind. I don't think you're being too sensitive. I would just politely say, I do plan on having another little one and I'd like for the clothes to be in good shape when that time comes. So I'd like to maintain the quality by keeping them. I would be offended with her knowing you're trying really hard to have another baby and having issues and all she can think about is HER baby and HERself. Turn her down politely (I don't think you'd do it any other way). But you have every right to feel the way you do. I hate thinking "Oh I would be due in a few weeks on 4/13 if I were still pregnant". It kills me to think that.. but I suppose it should be expected.

AFM ~ I nearly lost my voice last night from coughing so much. I have major post nasal drip. I have 12 hr Mucinex but it tends to only work for like half that time for me. I'm still crampy but not as bad so far today. Spotting is minimal and a few small clots... maybe I'm getting rid of the one clot she said remains just little by little. My DH is in NH (has been since November), he notified me today a promotion he applied for he did not get the job. This week I really feel like life has let us down. I hate to be so negative but I just wonder where my break is....

TTCTeacher · 03-26-2009, 12:56 PM

Stacy-you are NOt being over sensitive. First of all-you bought all those clothes. Second-you plan on needing them, DUHHHHH to those insensitive girls! Maybe someone else you can trust ( like your mom or something) can say something to them about leaving you alone while you are struggling so much. I mean they need to back off! I always think of jinx's and I think lets say you do loan them out-then you will get pregnant and need them...or you wont loan them and youll get pregnant with a GIRL! Either way its soo flippin unfair and they should be leaving you alone. Get this: my sister called me a few monhs ago (she has 2 damm kids and makes 3 times the money I make) and she asked to borrow my junky changing table I got for free from a neighbor. I told her NO, you know DH and I are TTC. Her reply was to SCREAM " then dont ever ask to use anything of mine EVERRRR". Ummm psycho btch. I mean she has baby furniture worth ike 5,000 and she wants my POS changing table I use in my dining room....for storage and I used it when i watched her kids for 4 days at my house. Im not giving it away-its like my only thing to save for my baby, to use as an extra changing table on the first floor. I should not even have to explain!

But as you can see-people are soo fcking rude. Guess what she did after that? She went on facebook and changed her little headline to:
" ****** is thinking about quitting her job and having a third baby, I get pregnant so EASILY".

I almost killed her-I seriously could have! Instead I ignored her for weeks. BTCH! So basically after I have talked about myself, my point is YOU ARE not being sensitive you are being NORMAL!!!

And your trip to Disney sounds terrific-go on all the rides and enjoy yourself!

Roxy-feel better!!! It sucks being sick

Hil-I hope youre doing ok today!! I pray the pain is less

meggy · 03-26-2009, 01:02 PM

hi ladies.....id like to join in...

so this is my story..... i was due oct 5th......was diagnosed with a 'missed abortion' on feb 17......at 7 weeks.....there was no longer any heart beat.......had heard on at 6 weeks.....my baby never grew after 6w3d....i sobbed all the way back home......

after thatl i chose to wait it out and let my body get over this naturally.......waited and waited..almost lost patience,but after 4.5 weeks i started bleeding on 3/22......it was light initially with mild cramps......got really heavy with clots and killer cramps since tuesday.....had to call in sick half way thru the work day.......went to doc yesterday......us showed that the internal and external cevical os were closed with the sac right above ........so was told to wait and not take any pain meds since everything would inhibit the natural processes.......they said if it didnt pass in 2-3 days ill hav to get a d&c.......so after a nightmare day with horrific cramps through the day and night.......this morning , i finally passed it.......was like a huge lemon......i held it and caressed it for a while , then i let go......

physically i feel much better......but emotionally,im back to square one......all the 'healing' thru the weeks has been washed away by tears all over again.......

R0xyg4l · 03-26-2009, 02:03 PM

Meggy ~ It's tough knowing that you are going to m/c and you start to mourn for that. But then when you actually do m/c, it becomes a reality and it's something raw you have to deal with. I hope everything is going well for you. I passed mostly everything yesterday very early morning (2 amish). I'm still a bit crampy and spotting here and there. I hope your body and soul heals. If we can help please let us know.

TTCTeacher · 03-26-2009, 02:37 PM

Megy-sorry for your loss. There are no words but I cant believe you went through all of that-you are so strong, I admire you for your strength.

I called my RE today-hes is in VEAGS-JERK, LOL. ( I am a Vegas girl-was even married there... but I am going in 3 weeks so I cant be too pissed)

Anyways I still have ALOT of right sided pain, like cysts pain so they said I could come see the other RE but they would prefer I see my own Dr. on Monday. I agreed but if the pain gets too terrible I should call them and see the other Dr. I really dont wanna go but the nurse said he should check on me and he will most likely want to do a cycle again soon because after a m/c she said things often go very well. She said things tend to stick very well! Yeahhhh we shall see. I just wanna make sure I have no cysts left over and if I do get them taken care of w/ BCP's or something?

So now I have to go back Monday to the room where he told me my baby eas dead. I have to go alone too, I hope I can survive. I mean I know I have to go back and all-but its going to be hard.

R0xyg4l · 03-26-2009, 02:56 PM

Jen ~ Good luck on Monday! I'm sure with each subsequent pregnancy I have, I will have to go back to the u/s room that I've been told twice in, there was no hb. I think I could be a day from delivering and still nervous as all hell in that room. Breath deeply and keep chugging. You'll get through it and create great memories in that room in the future!