October 2009 Due Date Losses.. - Page 3

wannabamama · 03-26-2009, 06:55 PM

Hello everyone. I'm doing OK, and Kristina and Jen, you were right. It seemed like one minute. I must admit that I almost lost it for about 5 minutes as the nurse was asking questions for the forms. (Why can't they just skip the forms or have you do them in advance) Sadness just welled up inside of me and I didn't sob, but the tears just started rolling down,.....the nurse was very good and even shared that she went through a D&C before, related how she felt at the time, which is how I felt, and encouraged me that I'd learn that many women have gone through it, but knew that it is still very painful and a personal process. She helped.......as I was coming out of it, I did start yelling "Where's my baby?"......to everyone.

I kind of suspected this, but I feel empty - especially today. I don't know what to do/feel emotionally.

Jen - I think some people actually do not have a brain. I am usually not the swearing type either, but she took me there yesterday. You know that I'm a principal, and school is the last thing on my mind. Even my Superintendent told me not to worry about anything and come back when I'm ready. When I told her that I would try to come back Monday, she told me not to worry about a thing a take as much time as was needed. Now, there are child study team meeting occuring as I was going under........WHO CARES?!?!?!?! You are the most important thing, and I say it to my teachers all the time, if you're not 100%, then you're not doing the children any good. Your co-teacher needs a slap! And your sister............she sounds incredibly childish. I hope she grows up and becomes a sister you can depend on and confide in.

Hil - I didn't get to read your post until just now, but the deeep breathing did help me today. Especially when I thought I was going to loose it.

Kristina - I'm in New Jersey! I'm a Jersey girl through and through!! I live down the shore. I'm so sorry about your DH's news about the job.

Stacy - I hope you can decide what the best road for you is regarding TTC. How long has it been now? I'm conflicted as OB said 1 month, but RE said 2. My DH asked today what I thought would be the protocol fo rthe next cycle, but I don't think I'm ready to have that conversation yet. And NO, I don't think you're being oversensitive! You would think that your SIL's would be a little more thoughtful and NOT ask. I agree with Kristina, I wouldn't allow them to use anything else. Because, like you said, when your baby does come, you want to be able to use some of the NEW items that YOU bought.

Meggy - I'm so sorry for your loss and that you're joining us. However, the ladies here have really helped me through this week. I'm sorry that it took so long for the baby to pass.

JustinsMama · 03-26-2009, 07:47 PM

Jenn-I'm happy to hear that the D&C was complication free, and not too horrible. I'm sorry you are feeling empty. It's been a month for me. My RE said I should wait 1 month-6 weeks before TTC again. When I have my appointment it will have been about 6 weeks. I just can't decide if I want to jump into the TTC madness/fertility treatments again so soon. Part of me wants to, part of me is scared and needs more time to heal.

Meggy-Welcome. I'm glad that your long torturous wait to m/c is finally over, but I'm sorry it is bringing back all those painful emotions. I know we both m/c'd around the same time so it has been a long wait for you. I hope you can begin to heal now.

Jen-I'm sorry your sister sounds like such an insensitive jerk! Like TTC and m/c isn't stressful enough without having her rude attitude to deal with. I'm glad you kept that changing table!

hil-I hope your cramping is subsiding

Kristina-I'm sorry your DH didn't get the promotion. And so sorry the news had such bad timing. I hope your cough and your cramping gets better.

Thanks ladies, for making me feel better. I'm really sensitive about things with all the problems I've been having and I wasn't sure if I was crazy for being so protective of my baby clothes. I hate this, lately anything can set me off and send me back into depression mode. Watching my SIL's belly's grow and hearing them talk about their pregnancies has been really hard to deal with. I pretend everything is fine in front of them, but then I get home and cry. I can't wait for these hard times to end!

hil · 03-27-2009, 12:53 AM

Good evening all...just lost the message I typed before...it was brillant

...ugg. So you're left with random thoughts!
I'm better tonight, less cramping. More bleeding to come, I'm told.

Jenn: I'm glad it's over for you too. I was thinking about you today.

Meggy: welcome and i'm sorry for your loss.

Kristina: my RE recommended 2 g metformin for ovulation but was happy I was on 1 g instead of 500 mg a day??? I agree though that it may not make a difference in pregnancy retention. i'm a doctor and don't get this most of the time (granted my area is STDs...ironic isn't it?)

Jen: oh, vey, your sis was very insensitive and I agree with your hubby. Back on my diet. But maybe after my DS's b-day party on Sat? Good cake, yum.

Stacey: We've been wanting to go to Disney World, too...happiest place on earth! Maybe soon. Have fun for all of us!

And, I'm glad my m/c, d+c date is close to DS' b-day, maybe I can forget the bad things that happened this time of year! His birth is the happiest day of my life.

I found this quote on a site I read:
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems
don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the
best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next." -Gilda Radner

I think I may carry it in my pocket. For peace. To quell the thoughts of bodily harm on those at work that are making me mad (just one person today).

I pray for strength, for safe travel, for less pain, for resolution for all of us.
Jeez, I've been crying all night...

wannabamama · 03-27-2009, 01:26 PM

Hil - Wow! What an awesome quote.

I'm feeling a much better (physically) today. I have minimal bleeding - just pink when I use the bathroom. I can feel some pulling etc. in my stomach still.

I know some of you on the thread have gone through this before. How did you/do you decide if you can go through TTC again, and how soon? I'm thinking about it and I don'tknow what I'll do next.

TTCTeacher · 03-27-2009, 02:58 PM

Jenn-I am scared to TTC again, but I just cant give up...y'know? however when I get my next BFP-I seriously doubt I will be excited, more scared than ever before.

I called the RE yesterday due to right sided ovary type pain and I am going in Monday. She said she knows how hard this is-however the RE will want me to try again soon because things have a way of sticking ( her words not mine) after a m/c.

I have had pink spotting, and even some brown mucous. I was grossed out and she said this is all normal. I had stopped sotting the other day and went walking with the dogs and came home to red. She said with increased activity the blood can get heavier. She also said the discharge can turn to a yellow color and it is ALL NORMAL and it means youre healing. I had not heard of this until she said it-then noticed last night I ha dpinkish-yellow on the TP.

So I am seeing the RE Monday. I just wanna se if I have cysts that are casuing this discomfort Im experiencing. It is certainly not uterine cramping.

I will talk to him and get his opinion on TTC again. He is pretty aggressive with me, so Im sure if the gentic blood tests are normal then we can TTC again. I dont think my heart will be as into it as it has been-I think I will always be expecting the worst for now

wannabamama · 03-27-2009, 04:47 PM

Jen - I do know what you mean about being even more scared with our next BFP's. I saw that you and I both posted congrats to the cyster who got a BFP right after her m/c. That is amazing. It definetly gives me some hope about eventually moving on.

Right now I am having extreme bloating/pressure on my left side. Feels kind of like when I was ovulating. I'm hoping that this is just my uterus trying to contract some more though. It feels weird.

TTCTeacher · 03-27-2009, 05:48 PM

Jenn-same here, It could be residual cysts-remember those helpful cysts that were making our progesterone while pregnant could now be fluid filled and causing pain. Im going Monday for an u/s to find out why this hurts on my right side! Ill let ya know!

Since your a "boss" I wonder what I shoud do about work. I DONT want to use any more sick days ( b/c i plan on needing them someday for a mat. leave) but I cant imagine having to go back this week. I will go back 1/2 day Monday to do IEP meetings but I need to leave early to see the RE. Would it be awful if after I work 1/2 day Monday-if I cant handle it-would it be ok to call in aagain for more time? I have a Dr who said he would write me out as long as I wanted. I mean he said even if I cant handle going back at all-he would handle it, but I dont wanna use all my days. No bereavement days for your own baby dying-which is BULLCHIT!

But my boss is supportive-hes been awesome-it took him and his wife 8 years of TTC to have their first!!! He knows Clomid, femara, IUI, the whole thing, its weird when he asks how I am doing actually. I dont wanna take advantage but they are my sick days after all, right?

Im conflicted!

JustinsMama · 03-27-2009, 07:57 PM

Jenn-Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, TTC and pregnancy after a miscarriage is terrifying. But I guess my fear of never having another child is greater than my fear of another miscarriage, so I keep going. Pregnancy after a miscarriage definitely involves a lot of paranoia. I was constantly going to the bathroom and examining the toilet paper checking for blood. Also, I tried to keep my guard up and not get too excited or emotionally invested in my pregnancies after miscarriage. But you know, no matter how hard I tried to keep my guard up, it didn't work. I was still just as devastated when I miscarried again. Its sad the way a miscarriage takes away the joy of early pregnancy. I guess all we can do is keep going and praying and believing that we will get our sticky BFP.

Jen-I can't decide if I should try right away or give it another month. Hearing your doctor mention that things stick really well after a miscarriage makes me want to try right away. But at the same time, it still seems so soon and I was considering going on BCP for a month before trying again to keep my ovaries free of cysts. I keep getting these huge cysts (not the many little cysts, but like 1 huge one). I had one at my baseline ultrasound for my latest BFP cycle and had to go on BCP's for 2 weeks to shrink it before I was allowed to start my clomid. When I had my miscarriage ultrasounds, it showed I had another huge cyst. So I thought going on BCP's for a month befor TTC again might do me some good.

wannabamama · 03-27-2009, 10:25 PM

Jen - As a boss, I would be surprised if you did come back on Monday, but I would tell you that if you needed anything, or changed your mind at all during the day, to let me know immediately, and if I had to, I would cover the class for the rest of the day. In any emergency situation, I think of the person first. It seems as if your boss is the same way. Seriously, I don't thinkyou should even go in the 1/2 day for the meetings if you're not up to it.

Stacy and Jen - Part of me does want to start right away, but another part does want to wait to make sure I'm more "healed" emotionally. Plus, I haven't gotten a good read on my DH. He did make a comment that we should get in better health before trying again, but I don't want to miss my "fertile" period. KWIM? I guess I'll have to start the conversation again with DH. I was thinking mayber June/July.

Kristina - I hope your doing OK. Haven't seen you on in a while.

R0xyg4l · 03-27-2009, 10:34 PM

Heya girls, I'm just dropping in real quick. I've had a busy day with parent/teacher conferences with my DD then we took her to practice for her tee ball season that will be starting soon. I'm doing OK for the most part. My sinus infection has been worse than the whole m/c stuff. Now thats dying down though... today my cramps got really bad for a little bit and the bleeding seemed to pick up. I just kinda fell asleep and woke up to no pain (wohoo!). When I was at the conference my teacher asked me about me going through a m/c as my DD had mentioned it. She said I thought you mentioned it last time but I think it was too loud. I started crying telling her that in the last six months I've been through two. She felt so bad for bringing it up. I told her it wasn't her fault it's just I had just had another m/c so the emotions are still very fresh. Otherwise, things are going well. I somehow have lost 4 lbs in the last few days... probably mainly from not being able to eat. Just spending the evening with the fam, relaxing. Thinking about how I'm going to drop some more weight before I get pg again (it WILL happen again... just when?).

I have to mention... I'm a very open minded person and I've done Cheri the psychic and also have a local place I go to occasionally to get my tarot cards read. Well Cheri said I would have a boy in December (or find out in or conceive in). Well the gal that did my tarot cards popped up a taurus (sp?) card showing that a few months ago before I knew I was pg again that I would get pregnant at the end of April/beginning of May. I was just thinking if she was true I'd be due in January I believe but probably give birth ultimately in December. I wonder if any of that has any truth to it. The whole thing makes me nervous thinking about getting pregnant again so soon. I'll BBL for personals.

R0xyg4l · 03-27-2009, 10:46 PM

Jen ~ If you feel you need time off, take them! You can always accrue more time inbetween now and your next pregnancy. A pregnancy lasts 9 mos, that could be some good sick time you build up inbetween now and the end of that nine months! I guess I'm more of a short term thinker... I need the time now, I'm taking it now. I'll worry about mat leave when it becomes something to worry about. Do whats best for you.

Hil ~ I like the way you're looking at it for the DS bday. We found out the day before my DD turned six. Having her was truly the best day of my life. I'm going to have to try to turn that negative around. I'm a nurse but I work with DDS clients. So I know what you mean as far as having a certain area. You kinda phase out what you don't need to know.

Jenn ~ I think I will probably start TTC as soon as I can. They said after my next period. But I think no matter how long you wait to start TTC again you're always nervous. I am not wasting any time.... but I do want to hear the results of testing first.

Stacy ~ I so know what you mean about going to the BR and checking for blood. Honestly, I was more paranoid with my April EDD pg than the more recent one. But checking is so scary.

wannabamama · 03-28-2009, 08:10 PM

I don't know what was up today, but I couldn't get in.

I finally ventued out today. We went out to lunch. It was a good outing, but I almost burst into tears. The wait staff started to sing "Happy Birthday" to a patron, and I thought about how I wouldn't be able to sing that to this baby. I had to choke back some tears, but DH could tell that something wasn't right with me. I just kept talking to DD to keep my mind off of it. Other than that, I'm doing OK.

R0xyg4l · 03-29-2009, 03:16 PM

How is everyone doing? I'm getting ready for my DD's 2nd bday party for friends at the movie theater. We're going to see Monsters vs Aliens. I think it will go well and I need to get out. I don't look forward to too much socializing however. I hope everyone is doing well!

TTCTeacher · 03-29-2009, 04:30 PM

Roxy-have fun ....if you can. It will make your day at least for today.

We just went to brunch..I ate like a damm pig and even more sad that I no longer to have a baby to blame it on

I am going to work tomorrow...just from 845 til noon and no students-just CSE meetings, 3 of them. I took the PM off to go to the RE. I am dreading it, but looking forward to hearing what he has to say about me next steps.

BBL hopefully you all are doing OK today

wannabamama · 03-29-2009, 07:47 PM

Jen,
I posted a thread about moving on and going back to work. I am getting a bit petrified about tomorrow. I'm slated to try to return, in my own mind. My OB told me to take as long as I can, but I feel like if I don't try, then I may have myself stay in this rut for awhile. The most scary part is my emotional outbursts - crying at the trigger of a song, or something someone may say, etc. Plus, there are two pregnant teachers on staff - one who is due in May, and one who just announced her pregnancy.

On the one hand, I'm thankful that most people at work don't know, so I won't get bombarded with alot of questions, but because they don't know, and I've been out for a week (which is not like me at all) I know they know something is up, plus I'm sure the 5 people that do know may have spilled the beans to some others, and you know how telephone goes.

I'm playing it by ear for now. I think some feedback from DH would be helpful too.