Offensive colleague at work...

Paprika · 03-05-2003, 03:27 PM

Hi everyone ... this is my first post here ... sorry to offload on all of you, but there is no one I can talk to about this.

I am so embarrassed. Having PCOS, I suffer from excess hair and am very self-conscious about it, especially the hair on my face (cheeks, chin, sideburns). I spend most of my time trying to get rid of it, using creams, plucking, waxing, but I can't always get rid of it all. I feel like a freak most of the time.

Anyway, one day, I was sitting with a group of colleagues in the smoking room at work, and a guy (let's call him Jack) passed by and saw me through the glass door, and stopped to wave at me.

Now, Jack and I had been "friends" for a while, always stopping to chat when we saw each other (he is in a different department from me).

However, what he did that day in the smoking room completely threw me. He stood at the glass doors, and started pretending he was shaving his face (using his hands, making shaving motions), all the time laughing and looking at me and pointing at me.

I was so embarassed ... even more so because it was in front of my friends. I didn't know what to do, so I turned round and ignored him. He had never done anything like that before, I hasten to add.

Well, since that incident, I never talked to him again and ignored him completely. I cannot deal with such immaturity from a so-called adult; I have enough issues with my self-confidence without hanging around with someone who would be so insensitive as to mock me like that.

But it got worse. Now, every time I pass him and his friends in the corridors at work, he will very obviously start s******ing, they all stop talking abruptly, and look at me pointedly while I walk by. This makes me think that he has probably told his friends about my hair problem and that they are laughing behind my back. This happened again today at work, and I just can't take anymore of this.

I have had to live with rude comments, looks, stares throughout most of my school and college life. However, I was not counting on the fact that, once out of school and in a work environment, the jeering and name-calling would still go on. I thought that people would grow out of the whole name-calling thing when they reached adulthood. How wrong I was.

This is such a blow to my self-esteem, and I don't want to go on anymore, to have to suffer this humiliation. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, or can give me strength to go back into work and not just hide away at home for the rest of my life (which is what I feel like doing right now), I would be so grateful.

Hezzer · 03-05-2003, 03:40 PM

That's terrible!

What a jerk!

What he is doing to you is harrassment plain and simple.

Do you have a Human Resources Department? If so, you should speak to someone there about what it happening. Or, perhaps you could speak to your supervisor. You don't need to mention his name at first if you're not comfortable. You might just want to find out from them what your options are.

This man is no asset to his employer. He is creating a hostile environment and you can be certain that there are others on the receiving end of his antics. At the very least he needs to be reprimanded if not fired!!!!

You should document what he's doing every time. Keep a journal and write down exactly what he does, the date, where you were, what you were doing, who you were with, who he was with . . . all this information may be very important at some point.

You do not deserve to be treated this way. Take this guy down!

scbegonias · 03-05-2003, 03:51 PM

Hugs, paprika.

Heather's right, this is harrassment and making your working situation dreadful. What a total jerk - he and his friends are acting like they're still in middle school.

Talk to someone - HR, a supervisor, etc. As Heather said, you don't have to mention names at first. The bottom line is that you shouldn't have to deal with this at work.

Let us know how things go.

taradon · 03-05-2003, 04:19 PM

Paprika,

I'm sorry this guy is such a jerk - it just makes it worse that it's someone you thought of as a friend. I agree with the others, this behavior is definitely creating a hostile work environment for you, and there is absolutely no reason you should have to deal with it. Jack should be mature enough not to behave like this, and he should be held accountable for his horrid behavior. Talk to HR and see what can be done.

shar · 03-05-2003, 05:10 PM

Yeah.. what a funny guy, eh?

I'd definitely report him to HR or someone above him. Please don't let it slide. You don't deserve childish behaviour from an 'adult'.

So much more to say, but it'll only bring out the anger I feel inside about this...

take care

shar

Lendi · 03-05-2003, 05:46 PM

I'm sorry your friend turned out to be that way. He sounds like a selfish jerk. It must have hurt a lot

I agree with the others. That is harrassement and I would report it ASAP!. You do not have to put up with that kind of crap. Hugs, Lendi

Yolanda · 03-05-2003, 05:57 PM

First, Welcome! You are among friends who care and understand.

Second, I have no idea why some people find other people's pain so funny. It's not funny. I'm sorry he did this to you.

He is the one who is wrong here, please don't let him stop you from walking with you head held high. You are worth a million of this jerk.

hunterli · 03-05-2003, 06:27 PM

Paprike

Just say the word, I will round up a posse of London cysters and we will take him down!

But seriously, I agree with the others, don't stand for this.

and, of course, welcome to SC, I hope you stay around and discover all the support that is available here.

Lis

Paprika · 03-05-2003, 07:54 PM

Thanks to all of you for your support - it really makes a difference.

I have spent the whole evening crying, and seriously thinking about ending it all. I know there are people worse off than me, but at times like these, it feels so unfair that I have to spend my whole life feeling like a freak. I have suffered no end of teasing, humiliation, and cruelty over this ever since childhood - to say it has really damaged my self esteem is an understatement. I have in fact no self esteem whatsoever.

I agree, HR should be involved if this goes on, although I would be embarrassed to give them the full details, if they were to start probing. That is the only thing that is making me hesitate. But if it does go on much longer, then I will either confront him, or talk to HR.

It just frustrates me that I still have to deal with this kind of thing at my age (I'm 34), when I thought I had left all that behind at school.

The problem is not even about this guy (did I mention he is very unattractive himself - ugly and about 3 stone overweight?) ... it's just that it brings home to me the realisation that THIS is why I have no friends and why I avoid people & social gatherings like the plague. I can't bear imagining what people are thinking when they talk to me. Especially when I get people staring at my chin when they talk to me (at times when I have been less than thorough with my hair removal) - it just makes me feel like a freak. It's not like I CHOSE to have this hair. It is not my fault.

The only good thing in my life is my boyfriend, who treats me like a princess

Lis - I may well take you up on your offer. I could do with a posse of cysters to back me up!
Yolanda, Lendi, Rosa, Shar, Hezzer and everyone - thank you for your replies - you all seem such strong women who don't take this sort of rubbish from people, which is inspiring, and I should learn from it.

Anyway, I will be going into work as normal tomorrow (although I really don't want to), and will post any further developments.
It has been a great help to just to get this off my chest and get such great support.

amshum · 03-05-2003, 08:25 PM

Its very sad what human beings can do to other human beings. There seems to be no concern for other's feelings or conditions. It pains me to read your story, because people should be more cautious when doing these little pranks that gets them off for whatever reason.

I agree with everyone else, this REALLY needs to be reported. You have a medical condition, I would explain, and this fool mocked it. It is harrassment!

Good luck to you and keep us posted on what happens at work tomorrow. No need to hide your self or be ashamed of you you are... He's the one who ought to be ducking his head in shame!

Reese77 · 03-05-2003, 08:37 PM

It really makes me mad when people act like that. What a total and complete JERK!!!!!

Report him to HR, what he has done is considered harassment and he shouldn't get away with it. Don't wait and see if it will happen again...why do that to yourself?

Hehe....I would consider putting a diet book on his desk just to get back at him, but that's not a mature thing to do either I guess.

pleasantlyblew · 03-05-2003, 08:43 PM

Paprika (love the name btw) I felt so sad when I read your posts. I hate that some people can be so cruel. It's so pathetic that they don't even deserve to be pitied for their more than obvious shortcomings.

Just remember this one thing. Even if by some miracle from God, Jack turned up to work tomorrow looking like Brad Pitt, good looking and slim with an Armani suit on, he would still be 100% ugly, because he is not a nice person.

My sister once wrote a brilliant poem about a good looking but very conceited ex-bf and the final line was, 'How could the wrapper look so sweet, when the stuffing's full of s**t?' Oh, and the best thing was he accidentally read it and we think he guessed it was about him lol!

You are worth a million of that poor excuse for a man. You know I have often seen men behave in this childish way because they actually fancy the person they are humiliating. I think it is a sign of their own poor self esteem. It's almost as if they work on the theory that they make you feel bad about yourself and then sort of insinuate 'but I would go out with you' like as if by that point your self esteem would be so low that you would be 'forever grateful' for a date with them! Bullies always have low self esteem which they try to raise by making others feel as bad as they feel.

If you could find the courage to confront him it may make you feel a bit more powerful. Maybe you should wiggle your little finger at him next time you walk past him and his mates. Not sure if you guys do that over there but here in UK it means a guy is not very well endowed lol! But seriously he should be reported, his behaviour is disgusting and you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. PCOS is an illness in its own right and you and everyone else would be horrified if somebody poked fun at a disabled person in a wheelchair for example.

Best of luck, we're all thinking of you on here

Keep us posted on whatever you decide to do. We really do care.

Nikki x

pleasantlyblew · 03-05-2003, 08:44 PM

Duh, sorry just realised you are in UK lol!!

taradon · 03-05-2003, 09:12 PM

Paprika,

No matter how awful this makes you feel - remember that you are a lovely person inside (while he is not) and try not to let him stomp on your self-esteem. It's lovely that you have a boyfriend who sees you as the princess you are. Spend some time with him and let him pamper you and boost your mood a bit.

cdcm · 03-05-2003, 10:12 PM

What an A-HOLE!!!!!!!

Ok... I'm in Human Resources... but I'm also in California US... we have really strict rules... but here's what I would try...

I would go to your supervisor or human resources manager... I'd explain to them that you have an illness (no need to get technical yet) that unfortunately results in some embarassing sympompts... including excessive facial hair... that although it does not impair your ability to work that the "hostile" environement that some teasing co-workers are creating for you does make working difficult...

You accomplish 2 things here... one establishing that you might have a disability... (the company needs to be careful about that)... and then there is a whole other issue around harassment/discrimination...

Many companies would counsel the harasser that it needs to stop... WITHOUT retaliation... usually if the person keeps it up.. then that's grounds for termination...

On another note... Have you tried laser hair removal? It REALLY works... depending on your skin color and hair color...

Best wishes...