Oh, c'mon!

Keleigh · 05-23-2007, 02:33 AM

I've had enough of this miscarriage!

I started cramping last Monday, spotting on Tuesday, which is when the u/s showed no heartbeat. More spotting and cramping, got heavier on Friday. Pretty heavy over the weekend with little tiny clots and big ugly cramps. Stopped and started again and again. So today I passed a couple of fairly large clots, and I'm thinking, "let's get this show on the road!" And now I've stopped bleeding again. Now I KNOW that there's some pretty heavy duty crap in my uterus, as the baby stopped growing at 6w2d and I'm now at 9 weeks. Why, oh why won't this m/c get going?

My last m/c was a blighted ovum and I certainly bled and clotted and cramped like crazy for 4 days then. This time there was an actual baby with an actual heartbeat. I guess I've spent too much time on the internet researching and am expecting some horrible gush of blood and tissue. I'm afraid to go to work as I don't know when the cramping will start up again, and I certainly don't want to be embarrassed by a horrible mess in the bathroom or try to drive home doubled over in pain. And I really hope to be able to find the sac and bury the baby with some of my mother's ashes.

I work with a bunch of single guys and I know they think that a m/c is just kind of like, "whoops! there it goes!" I know I'm being paranoid, but if I could just get the major stuff out, I'd be ok going back to work with just bleeding. I don't know how to tell them that this is an ongoing process and I'm just waiting for the bad stuff. I'm working at home, but I'm just worried that they're wondering if I'm just blowing them off or using this as an excuse. It's sad - emotionally I'm doing ok because I'm just so sick of waiting and am starting to get mad.

I finally called my RE's office yesterday and got the same "we don't know" answer I was expecting. My RN did ask when I was supposed to come in again and I told her that I was told to just come in for a hysteroscopy when everything was done, but I had no way to know when that was. She told me to come in on Thurs to check my betas. I feel better knowing someone's at least thinking of monitoring me. I'm frustrated because it feels a little like my RE doesn't care about this because I got pregnant on my own.

I read not too long ago that a m/c is a lonely process, and it's true. It's crazy how in love with this baby I was two weeks ago, and now I just want it out of me. I want to be done, to move on with my life, to feel human again, to not be afraid to leave the house or go for a walk, to not feel bloated and... well... bloody.

And to add insult to injury, I'm miscarrying right around the due date for my last pregnancy.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to rant and express my frustration.

Anonykat · 05-23-2007, 07:00 AM

I'm so sorry.

That all sounds... frustrating and sad and awful.

Tensei · 05-23-2007, 10:26 AM

*HUGS* I'm so sorry.

If it helps any, my first miscarriage (at nearly 6 weeks) was like a regular period (just shorter) with a couple big clots and then it was over.

Every body is different, too. It's entirely possible that it's over now.

I'm so sorry that you're still living this nightmare. It sucks, a lot.

PM me if you need anything.

cheereeo · 05-23-2007, 10:28 AM

Kaleigh, it does all totally suck. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I had a D&C after my silent MC but still had to go through a lot of bleeding afterward. I remember a cyster telling me that she thought the reason the bleeding stopped and started was because the clots sometimes get stuck at the top of the cervix (imagine something blocking a drain) and then when it finally cramps enough to get through (you may see a large clot), it opens up the flood gates so to speak and you may start bleeding again. It is a frustrating process. If they don't do a D&C, sometimes they can give you some medicine to help contract everything out. The whole process just totally stinks and is like an evil joke. I feel your pain. I believe I am going through a chemical pregnancy with this cycle right now (first one since my silent mc in February), so I can relate to what you are going through. Hang in there. When you are ready, feel free to stop by the TTC after a loss thread; the cysters there are terrific.

RunnerDuck · 05-23-2007, 03:20 PM

M/Cing at about the same time as you. Last spring I had a blighted ovum and I passed the sac right away and then bled heavy for a week and lighter for another week.

i was expecting the same thing this time, but with something in the sac which frankly I wanted to see because if I can't have a baby I at least want a science lesson.

Never saw the sac. Told it came out because scans show it gone and betas droppping, but I don't know. Never saw it.

This past Sunday I passed what I THINK was a placenta?? I have no idea. It was grape-sized, red, hard and rubbery so NOT a clot, and had some gray stuff on the outside like chewed up juicy fruit gum. That was the only noteworthy thing I saw pass this time. And there was no pain with it, I haven't had any cramping since the first few days. I just felt something hard and substantial passing out of my vagina and that's how I knew it was something new. I actually wonder if the sac burst inside of me and that's why it seemed to vanish on the ultrasound, but the remnants of it were stuck to the placenta thing.

I never had bad cramping or super heavy bleeding... I have just been bleeding at a slow and steady pace now for nearly 4 weeks. I really haven't even needed a pad after the first few days because it's more like a bunch of stuff comes out every time I pee but stays put otherwise. But then that's how my periods tend to be, too - no idea why.

If I had a job, I would have been perfectly OK. The first few days, I wouldn't leave the house because I didn't want to pass the sac in a public toilet. But then I gave that up and I have been going out, place with my son, to the gym, shopping, whatever. Luckily the placenta incident happened at home.

Other than depression, I've been functioning pretty normally. And now I am taking anti-depressants so all around I am feeling fine. But impatient.

ANYWAY long story short it may not be as dreadful as you fear. Both times I had horrific images of being in Target or at the gym or something and having blood gushing down my legs and hoping the ground would open up and swallow me. Never happened.

Hope yours goes the same.

Keleigh · 05-24-2007, 02:52 AM

Thank you all for your kindness. I wish none of us had any experience to share with each other, but here we are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RunnerDuck

i was expecting the same thing this time, but with something in the sac which frankly I wanted to see because if I can't have a baby I at least want a science lesson.

LOL - sick as it sounds, I'm with you on that one! I figure you usually don't get that opportunity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RunnerDuck

iANYWAY long story short it may not be as dreadful as you fear. Both times I had horrific images of being in Target or at the gym or something and having blood gushing down my legs and hoping the ground would open up and swallow me. Never happened.

That's good to know. That's what I've been petrified about. I know something's supposed to happen, and I'd much rather do it in private.

I still think there's a lot in there, as I feel pressure and it seems kind of hard to pee. I've cramped pretty badly, but it comes and goes. I guess my thought is that maybe my cervix hasn't opened yet which is why I'm just getting blood and little clots. I am starting to feel less worried about some tidal wave of blood. I

spoke to my boss today and apologized for not being there and he told me not to worry... to take as much time as I need. I think the whole idea petrifies him.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Maybe I just feel like there should be some monumental event to mark the end of this pregnancy, when in fact it may just kind of fizzle out. I didn't know that was possible.

I go in tomorrow and they test my betas. I suspect I'll just see the lady who draws blood and be sent upon my merry way. The RN said there wasn't much point to doing an u/s, as they already know there's no heartbeat.

And you're right, Cheereeo... it IS an evil joke.

Bekki - I hope you're feeling better. You seem to have truly gotten the short end of the stick on this deal.