Hi all,
I usually post in the TTC board however I feel I need to post here now
I have gone through a lot the last few yrs. Mainly my Mam got sick with cancer approx 2 yr ago and she then passsed away last Feb. This was very hard on our family and I am missing her so much and have a constant ache in my heart. I then had a miscarriage in June. This affected me badly too. In between this I had another loved one pass away too. I am doing my best these last few mths to keep my head above water and try to keep going. I am doing well in work. However my home life and social life has been affected badly. I seem to want to be alone a lot. My partner is finding it very hard to deal with my moods. I dont blame him. I am happy for say one hour, then next minute I am so sad and in very bad form sometimes. I just go to my room and sit there. I havent gone out with friends in months and I dont seem to want to eat anymore either. I will eat but if I am down I just forget about eating all together. I dont want to loose my relationship with dp. Hes the most wonderful man I have ever met. He has been with me thru thick and thin. I just want to appreciate him, I want to appreciate everything in my life.. but I just couldnt care less most days.... I cant even read a book lately as it annoys me? I went on holidays and cried most days. I know I am going through giref but has my mind got out of control. I really want to be happy again... My friend has said I really should speak to a doc... If I did get some tabs - mild - to help me control my moods could I then still TTC? I know I wotn get preg when I am feeling like this anyway but I would hate to stop altogther as that might make me feel worse...
thanks for listening xxxxxxxxx
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BFP 19th DECEMEBER 2007 (on 5th medicated cycle)
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I would see about speaking to a counselor as well as going to a doctor and discussing your concerns with him or her. Everyone goes through periods of depression and you've certainitly had your share of things to be depressed about. Talk with your partner and tell him that you want to get some help and need his support. Let him be there for you.
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thank you, I have been seeing a counsellor - grief counsellor for about 6 weeks now. once a week. It seems a help a little. I can see the long term benefits. I have spoke to DP and he said whatever I decide he is behind me. Its such a hard decision to make going to seee a doctor. I am used to being in control and being the strong one.. but lately I feel broken... smashed up in little pieces.
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BFP 19th DECEMEBER 2007 (on 5th medicated cycle)
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thank you, I have been seeing a counsellor - grief counsellor for about 6 weeks now. once a week. It seems a help a little. I can see the long term benefits. I have spoke to DP and he said whatever I decide he is behind me. Its such a hard decision to make going to seee a doctor. I am used to being in control and being the strong one.. but lately I feel broken... smashed up in little pieces.
I agree that a counselor is going to be beneficial. You have had a lot of traumatic changes and haven't had a break yet. It sounds as if you may be depressed, and that's ok, it's normal for people to feel like you do when they have went through so much. My prayers are with you. Please hold off on ttc until you are in a healthier mental state. Pregnancy hormones have a mind of their own, and I would hate for you to get pregnant and not enjoy every minute of it
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thanks ladynaomi for taking the time to post to me. you are right I would hate to not enjoy my pregnancy as well I did get preg and for a week I was full of happiness then it was cruely taken away. I had a dream last night that I was 8.5mth preg and I didnt even know until I saw a belly in mirror? I asked dp "how come I am preg".. he said "you are honey, mths now" but in the dream I didnt even know........ maybe that was a sign to myself. I fear I wont be able to have kids and I am afriad to put a hold on it.
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thanks ladynaomi for taking the time to post to me. you are right I would hate to not enjoy my pregnancy as well I did get preg and for a week I was full of happiness then it was cruely taken away. I had a dream last night that I was 8.5mth preg and I didnt even know until I saw a belly in mirror? I asked dp "how come I am preg".. he said "you are honey, mths now" but in the dream I didnt even know........ maybe that was a sign to myself. I fear I wont be able to have kids and I am afriad to put a hold on it.
I completely understand. However, you can't let your fear control your actions. I hope that makes sense. Your dream was probably your minds way of trying to sort out the mixed emotions you have. They say it's your subconsciene working. I KNOW how bad you want a baby and you don't want to put it off-I know about the fears and the dreams. You're focused on having a baby and that's pretty consuming. Also, when you have a miscarriage, the normal reaction is to have this overwhelming urge not to just WANT to have a baby, but the urge is that you HAVE to have a baby. Trust me when I tell you it's worth the wait. Just take things one day at a time. Also, venture out on a limb-get dressed up and go out with some girlfriends. I mean dressed to the nine's. Do your best to not be at home alone. This is where we fall victim to ourselves because it's easy to be alone and we tend to feel sorry for ourselves and make ourselves feel worse off than we were before. Join a local gym-exercise does wonders for you physically and emotionally
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I am planning to go out tomorrow with some friends.. I hope I dont cancel. I also made an appointment to see my doctor and talk about everything.
Your are right about m/c, I never thought I would get preg and when I did I was so happy I just want that feeling back. But it might take a few more mths and maybe I can be happy in some other way. I know I am not the person I once was. Grief is so powerful. It can take over your life.
I intend to do more walking (dont like gyms) and I play golf too. So I am active but maybe yoga could help too.
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BFP 19th DECEMEBER 2007 (on 5th medicated cycle)
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Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the way you feel. I had a m/c in January this year and still struggle with it. You have had a lot happen in the past few months. Like you I finally decided to see someone about the depression. From what I know you don't have to stop TTC with some meds if that is the way you and your doc decide to go. But it is good to have a level emotional outlook with ttc. Things seem to compound one on the other, that I know. For me it seems like just when I start to climb out of the hole, I get news that knocks me right back into it. But I have always been able to start the climb back up, however slow it is. Don't cancel your plans with your friends. That can be a small step forward. I have learned over the years that depression doesn't end one morning after a nights sleep, it takes time, but one of the best things you can do for yourself is to keep going and doing what you enjoy despite the depression. Again, your not alone out there.
I am planning to go out tomorrow with some friends.. I hope I dont cancel. I also made an appointment to see my doctor and talk about everything.
Your are right about m/c, I never thought I would get preg and when I did I was so happy I just want that feeling back. But it might take a few more mths and maybe I can be happy in some other way. I know I am not the person I once was. Grief is so powerful. It can take over your life.
I intend to do more walking (dont like gyms) and I play golf too. So I am active but maybe yoga could help too.
Please keep your plans with the friends-DON'T CANCEL no matter how tempted you are. Even a few hours can help you.
Yes, you are still the person you once were, just a lot has happened and you've burried yourself in grief, hurt, fear and probably a little anger. You'll get better, it just takes time. Until then, you've got a whole network of ladies listening and are here for you
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brener - I'm sorry you are having such a hard time! You have been through so much the last year
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Me 31 / DH 28 Married to my Dutch Boy since 12/23/2000 Cancer Survivor - Leukemia Gloucophage XR,Synthroid,Zoloft,Prenatal TTC Since 5/2004 3 IUI'S A BUST Clomid 100mgs IUI 10/27/08 BFP "I'm going to be a Mommy" Beta 15DPO -108, 17DPO - 331 1st ultrasound 12/1 - strong heartbeat 2nd ultrasound 1/5 - Heartbeat 162 IT'S A BOY!!!!! EDD 7/19/2009
Luca Allen Maarten
Born 6/28/09
5lbs 15ozs 18inches
I totally understand where you are coming from. Many years ago when TTC, we had one miscarriage after another. During our 4th attempt my grandmother had a massive stroke and almost died. It was a battle for her for three years. She was in the hospital and coded (code blue) infront of me and my Mom, essentially we watched her suffer and died. Six months after she passed away my father died; I went to his house to visit him and found him on the floor dead. He has been dead about a week. We lived in California, and it was summer, you can imagine the image.
I went to see a counselor and he referred to a psychiatrist because I was in the same place you are. I did help. Infact, I continued on my medication but stopped my therapy, which was not a good thing to do. After 2 1/2 years I stopped my medicine. I can still see how terribly I am effected. I need to get back to a counselor.
I wish you the very best, it is so hard to loss someone, especially a parent. I will pray that your heart finds peace and that you will soon know that joys of being a parent.
Keeping in you in my thoughts and prayers,
Staci
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“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
I totally understand where you are coming from. Many years ago when TTC, we had one miscarriage after another. During our 4th attempt my grandmother had a massive stroke and almost died. It was a battle for her for three years. She was in the hospital and coded (code blue) infront of me and my Mom, essentially we watched her suffer and died. Six months after she passed away my father died; I went to his house to visit him and found him on the floor dead. He has been dead about a week. We lived in California, and it was summer, you can imagine the image.
I went to see a counselor and he referred to a psychiatrist because I was in the same place you are. I did help. Infact, I continued on my medication but stopped my therapy, which was not a good thing to do. After 2 1/2 years I stopped my medicine. I can still see how terribly I am effected. I need to get back to a counselor.
I wish you the very best, it is so hard to loss someone, especially a parent. I will pray that your heart finds peace and that you will soon know that joys of being a parent.
Keeping in you in my thoughts and prayers,
Staci
Staci, sorry to hear about your troubles as well. I am always a sounding board. BTW, LOVE LOVE LOVE your avatar!!! Too darn cute.
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Holland - nice to hear fromyou and I hope you are ok? did you get your vacation yet?
Staci - omg, you have been through so much. To find your dad like that must of been just awful. How are you feeling now about everything? Does it get better as they all say with time?
enStoutNumber2 - sorry for your loss too ((HUGS)) Its just awful to want a child so much and then to have it cruely wipped away from you...
* well I went to doctor and it seems I do not need any medication yet to help with depression... for about 8 weeks now I have been suffering with burning throat and started getting sick the last two weeks for no reason. I went to another doc who said it was slight acid reflux and probably stress.. to relax and I would be ok.. however my real doctor yesterday was disgusted with this.. she said I have severe GOD ( Ithink thats the name) and I am on nexium 40mg per day and I have to get some tests done, including chest x rays and camera thingy down throat. I told her I have this horrible pain in throat 8-10 weeks.. she asked when did I really start to feel down.. I said about 6 weeks ago... she thinks the illness has created a huge black cloud of depression and she needs to get me well before she would give any medication for my mind... it all makes sense.. for all those weeks I have been so sick, but was told bya "doctor" to relax and I would be bter.. lucky I went to her... feel let down by the other doctor...
I have lost a lot of weight too which isnt good.
glad i am getting sorted now...
she said if after I am physically better but still feel down she will talk again maybe..
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BFP 19th DECEMEBER 2007 (on 5th medicated cycle)
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Holland - nice to hear fromyou and I hope you are ok? did you get your vacation yet?
Staci - omg, you have been through so much. To find your dad like that must of been just awful. How are you feeling now about everything? Does it get better as they all say with time?
enStoutNumber2 - sorry for your loss too ((HUGS)) Its just awful to want a child so much and then to have it cruely wipped away from you...
* well I went to doctor and it seems I do not need any medication yet to help with depression... for about 8 weeks now I have been suffering with burning throat and started getting sick the last two weeks for no reason. I went to another doc who said it was slight acid reflux and probably stress.. to relax and I would be ok.. however my real doctor yesterday was disgusted with this.. she said I have severe GOD ( Ithink thats the name) and I am on nexium 40mg per day and I have to get some tests done, including chest x rays and camera thingy down throat. I told her I have this horrible pain in throat 8-10 weeks.. she asked when did I really start to feel down.. I said about 6 weeks ago... she thinks the illness has created a huge black cloud of depression and she needs to get me well before she would give any medication for my mind... it all makes sense.. for all those weeks I have been so sick, but was told bya "doctor" to relax and I would be bter.. lucky I went to her... feel let down by the other doctor...
I have lost a lot of weight too which isnt good.
glad i am getting sorted now...
she said if after I am physically better but still feel down she will talk again maybe..
I haven't heard of the GOD before, but I hope you get feeling better soon! Did you go out with friends?
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One bad thing after another... need help. 
