I still am on a all junk-food diet. But I have added in one meal, or at least a bowl of cereal, a day. I just have no desire to cook or eat, but snacks are always good. I still burst out into tears for no reason, or because something reminds me of what happened. I still have no desire to do ANYTHING. As you can tell from the fact I'm writing this at 2:30am, I don't sleep too much still. I have lots of bad dreams. Dreams like seeing Daniel being born when he was, but he came out screaming and yelling at me saying he didn't want to come out, he doesn't want to die. Or watching him being buried and then hearing him crying from in the ground. I don't think these dreasm are why I don't sleep, but it sure doesn't help.
People keep telling me to get out and do something with myself. Even just go out and bum around somewhere. But I don't want to. Everywhere I go I see women with babies, or who are pregnant...and I don't want to see that still. I can't.
Generally I'm just...here. Not doing anything, not being anything. I guess I'm waiting for my ob/gyn appt. I don't know what I'll hear then, so I'm just waiting.
As for physical problems. I'm still lactating a bit. Not as bad, but it's still there. I never stopped bleeding, fully. I still have tinted CM. But lately it's clearish/pink, and eggy...dunno why. My abdomen (lower and upper) is KILLING me for the past few days. I don't know if it's musculer pain or my uterus or something, but it hurts like all hell. I'm thinking my muscles are just winding down now to their origional position.
As for my dad, he's been in the hospital for a month now. Everytime it looks like he's getting better, something else goes wrong. We still don't know if he'll ever get out of there. They (team of doctors) are trying to see if there is anything surgically they can do for him. They still don't know. They may not be able to do much for him now, so either they'll keep him there until they can, or send him home to rest on meds and hope for the best. I don't know. But I talk to him daily now. I like that, even though it's depressing. He's depressed and miserable, but I still like talking to him. He doesn't tell me to get out and do something, he doesn't remind me that I'm a lifeless blob at the moment. He doesn't expect anything from me. I don't talk to him about Daniel at all, but I still feel better since I was able to tell him about Daniel. At least he knows.
So, today will suck. I don't know what I'll do. But I think I'll eventually try to sleep. I did take Ambien once recently. Yeah, it made it so I could fall asleep a bit faster, but I still woke up within 3-4 hours. Except this time, I coudln't go back to sleep at all. So that med sucks. I sleep when I sleep. I don't have anything to do during the day, so I've been going to bed between 4-6am and getting up by noon or so.
Anyway, I'm in so much pain. I hope this stops soon. I'm starting to think this is PMS, but who knows. I never get PMS before my period, really. I get it within 24hours of the start of my period, and it last for the first 2-4 days of my cycle. It's been more than 24 hours of pain. Oh well, I have my ob/gyn appt on the 16th. Hopefully it'll be gone by then.
Why did I have to say goodbye to my son? Why did this have to happen to me? What would he have been like? What could have been? So many questions, and I'll never get any answers....
-R
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
Oh honey there's nothing I can say to make you feel better. Dh & I both read your birth story & cried for you your dh & your dear lil man Daniel.
I have trouble dealing w/the pg women & new babies too! I don't think that'll get any easier just tend not to look. hard I know but I'm not noticing as many.
Those dreams sound horrible I'm so so sorry for you!
Take all the time you need to heal maybe a grief counseller might be able to help you a bit. It can't hurt to try when your ready to.
Don't let anyone push you into doing things your not ready to do.
Please keep us updated on how you are coping. My thoughts and sincerest prayer is with you!
Take care.
__________________ dx.pcos 2001
dx.Antiphospholipid syndrome 2004
4 Angel Babies
TWO MIRACLES! Zane Sebastian! May 3rd 2006!!!! Sienna Rayne January 3rd 2008!!!!
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Renee,
Many of us here are still thinking of you every day and wishing that these unfair losses never happened, wondering why...
When it sounds enjoyable to go out, go out. Until then, keep to yourself just like you're doing. I think that grief is so individual, each of us needs to follow our own pattern. Some of the moms in my support group went right back to work! It has been almost a year for me, and I'm still a gelatinous blob. Don't feel bad at all about that. People are just trying to help in a situation that they know nothing about.
I hope you can sleep sometime soon. I found that exercising helped with that. And your bleeding sounds normal. I'm sorry your belly is hurting.
Thanks for the update. We are here anytime.
Rivi's one-month birthday is Saturday, and Sunday will be one month since he died. I'm planning on falling apart all weekend.
Please know you're not going through this alone. I'm experiencing the same exact things you are, except my pain is in my cervix (which isn't surprising since they had to stretch/sew/pull/stretch/pull again, and I had an infection).
I'm sleeping almost around the clock. In my dreams, Rivi's alive, sometimes older, and I can actually see his face as it would have been at 3, 4 years old. True, I cry everytime I have to wake up, but at least I have that. I'm sorry you don't.
My thoughts are definitely with you about your Dad. I lost my Dad three years ago to lung cancer. I remember all too well how awful the not knowing is.
Let me know if I can do anything.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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I am sending you a big hug. So sorry, there is nothing I can say to help but I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you. I wonder whether Hayles was right and maybe a grief counseller might be able to help you? Only you can know that and I just hope the pain eases for you soon.
take care
em x
__________________ Me: 34 yrs old
DH: 36 yrs old
M/C September 2004 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
DS: Born 11th September 2005
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DD: Born 23rd November 2007
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I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better, just know you are in my heart and my thoughts right now. I say a prayer everyday for all of you girls on this board. You are always in my thoughts. If you need anything pm or email me.
Lori
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Miranda Desire~16
Kayla Michelle~14
Dakota Chance~8
Tristan Sawyer~3
Zoe
6 Precious Angels~ Forever in my Heart
Prenatal Vit
Heparin 2x a day @ 5,000 units
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Hugs honey. I'm sorry its so hard right now. I wish it wasn't. I felt a lot of pains too in the first couple of months after I lost Isaac. It did get better. Do what you need to do, if that means staying in and not dealing with the world that's ok. I'm glad you are getting to talk to your dad.
(((((hugs)))))))
Aviva
__________________ Erica -38, To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH Sandy-38
Dx PCOS/IR since I was 18, on 2000mg metformin XR.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. and missing Isaac Doran born too soon 2/2/04,
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Renee....I have never been through what you have and don't pretent to know what it feels like......I just want you to know that I think about you each and every day and pray that God gives you some sort of peace....Until then do what you have to just to get through the day and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve!
__________________
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Riding my trike
LISA 40, DH 42
M/C 11/00, 12/06
Dx: PCOS 9/00, Type 2 DM & HTN 7/09
Meds: Amaryl 4mg, Met ER 1000 2X/day, Micardis 80mg, Iron, Calcium w Vit D, Multivit
Approved for WLS 6/09-awaiting a date!
Mommy to
NICHOLAS AUSTIN 9/1/01
PATRICK JOHN 2/15/05
SARAH ELISABETH 9/28/07
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I just wanted to say that i am so very sorry for your loss!!!
It may be too early but i just wanted to encourage you to find a support group. There really are some great groups for those that have lost a child.
__________________ Jodie (35)
DH Andrew (37)
Married 8/8/95
Riley David born 9/4/00
Wyatt Samson born 8/18/03
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Reading your post it just took me right back....i know too that at that time there were no words...so just know that we're all thinking of you and hoping that someday soon you;ll notice the sun shining again....it will happen when you least expect it...
When i stayed at home just after losing my girls i made them a promise...i'd been sitting on the couch for weeks watching Jerry Springer and every seedy talkshow that ever existed...and i'd cry and stare at my babies picture on the mantel and just want to curl up and die. One day i made them a promise...that if i hadnt been able to take care of them here then i would take care of me...and i put in a stupid excercise video!!! Not cuz i was particularly interested in excercise...but because i didnt want them to watch me wither away. I knew they were watching me...worrying about me...and i didnt want that...so i created a routine for myself....my whole world had been turned upside down and i felt like crawling into a hole...but for my own sanity i had to create some kind of life again...
i know you dont think so now but there will come a time for you when you have that moment...but until then...take care of you. You have to sleep...and if the pain in your abdomen doesnt go away get it checked just to rule out any kind of infection...i was on antibiotics for 5 days after having my girls cuz with all the bleeding and stuff before hand who knew what was going on in there
all these ladies are incredibly supportive and you're never alone...pm anytime...take care
[[[HUGS]]]
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
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One month ago today... 
