The One year Anniversary of our Loss

rochelly · 10-18-2009, 10:00 PM

Okay, here goes...
October 24th will be one year siince I miscarried our baby. Our first baby. I had only known we were pregnant since beginnig of September (Spotty periods ya know) But I was almost 14 wks when we lost her. And I find it more & more difficult as the date approaches. I dont talk about with anyone except my husband, and even then I feel guilty, like I let him down in some way. My anxiety is increasing lately, I break into sobs in the middle of hte day sometimes, and I feel ashamed at myself for being angry/envious when I find out someone we know is pregnant. And it seems like its in the water lately. My brother and sister-in-law had a baby 4 months before ours was due, and e/time we are around her I think about what could have been, and my sister is talking to me about TTC #2 (she has no fertility problems) and I just want to choke her but I play nice.

The problem is I think I was inshock right after it happened. My progesterone was low so I was on supplements and being monitored, but then Hurricane Ike hit, and we had to evacuate and my Dr was closed for 2 wks (electricity) and I missed an appt. Guilt about that. My whole family was telling me to take it easy and practically had me on bed rest, but I wouldnt listen. Guilt about that. Drs office told me if I had unbearable cramps to let them know ASAP. Well, I have PCOS and my cramps are always awful, so I let them know I was having stron "menstrual cramps" and they said let them know if the pain got severe (and made me an appt). I didn't know the difference and that the cramps were severe. Guilt about that. I started spotting a little but was told that was normal and was scheduled to come in for appt in a couple days. I felt like there was s/thing wrong but am an anxious person and thought I was being pessimistic. Waited it out and went to bed early that night instead of going in. Guilt about that.

Sometime in the middle of the night (around 3 in the morning) I was dreaming, a vivid dream (had those pg) and remember feeling like I needed to pee somewhere in that dreamland. And in my dream i was riding in a car listening to the radio abnd the song "Dont take the girl" by Tim McGraw came on. I woke up, and looked down to a blood-soaked bed. I will never forget the feeling when I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and felt our baby leave me.

My husband has been so supportive, and my dr was wonderful and considerate. As my OB told me "A miscarriage is essentially the loss of a baby, the death of a child. You get to feel all the grief of that passing without the closure of a funeral. Don't feel embarassed by the loss you feel, and do not try to suppress the grief, it is natural." But I still feel guilty. Maybe it was my weight. Maybe if I had listened to my famliy. Maybe if I knew the difference b/tween normal and abnormal cramps. A million maybes that wouldnt add up to anything. Because what will happen will happen. I didnt *feel* depressed, but anxiety & agitation started increasing. I finally say my PCP last month and let her know, and am taking s/thing for the anxiety now.

My dr says I am healthy to TTC again, and my DH wants one so badly (as do I) but I am afraid. Afraid that I will find a million different reasons to blame myself and feel guilty if it happens again. I know I will try, bc the risk is worth the gain so many times over. But you are all so brave who have faced this numerous times and continue to stay positive and keep on trying. Here's to our babies, born into our hearts if not into the world, and to holding out hope for a blessing in the future.

TDoern · 10-19-2009, 12:12 AM

Heather - I wish I had all the right words to tell you. I wish I knew what to say to make your heart a little less heavy.

I can tell you that our losses were different. Mine was on July 4th, this year, at 12:51am. It was also different in that it didn't surprise us quite the way you were surprised. I went in to the hospital first thing in the morning on July 2nd - and was told my cervix had opened up - my amniotic sac was partially out and was almost out of fluid. I was told to induce immediately - that holding him in had a high chance of killing me due to infection. I refused so we fought for 36 hours to keep our baby - but finally the infection they'd warned me about came and I was forced to induce. It was the hardest crappies thing I've ever had to do in my life giving the okay to induce me knowing it would kill our son. I had to go through actual labor - and it sucked. There was no joy to look forward to at the end, you know that moment where the pain is all worth it because you get to hold your baby and you get to feel that instant bond between mommy and baby. After the delivery the nurses came and handed me my baby who weighed only 400grams - and never drew a breath.

It doesn't matter the difference in our losses - we both lost the most precious thing we'd ever had. How long we'd been pregnant, how long we'd known, how many years we tried, they are all irrelevant. We both lost our babies.

My telling you it wasn't your fault, doesn't take away the fact that part of me still feels losing our Christopher was mine.

I can tell you that your baby, the one that you lost, the one that you still miss and love, and long for - you will get to see that baby one day. There will come a day when we get to stand and see our lost little babies. I'll finally get to know the color of our Christopher's eyes. God has promised that to us, and I hold onto that.

I also know that our Christopher would not want me to give up the dream of holding a baby in my arms here, and sharing that love with my husband. I can't live my life in fear of losing another baby, it would be too easy, because I know my baby would not want me to. I can't imagine that your baby would want you to give up your hopes and dreams because you lost them. Your baby probably wouldn't want you to give up giving them a sibling.

If nothing else, the loss of your dear baby - has effected me. You've touched my heart with your story. Just as I know that all the people I've met since losing Christopher - who my only connection is the fact that we all lost a baby - has given purpose to losing Christopher.

I don't know if this is going to help you, or hurt you, but we found out on Thursday that I'm expecting again. After nine years of trying, we are pregnant twice in the same year. If our Christopher had lived, this baby wouldn't be here. No matter how painful losing Christopher is, I can't regret it anymore, because it would be regretting this life in me now.

It's scary, yes, and I am terrified. At the same time I don't have a choice but to see a future. My cervix is still incompetent, and it's going to be a rough 8 months to go - but I can't give up hope, and neither can you.

Love your baby that you lost, remember them, and use that in whatever way you can. Know that your baby is looking down on you, and wouldn't want you to stop living because you lost them. Your baby would want you to live because of that. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Feel free to PM me.

I don't know if this helped you, I hope it didn't make things worse. I just type what comes to my mind and heart when I respond, even more so to posts of others who lost a baby.

pinkkitty · 10-19-2009, 06:40 AM

you described the experience so well, i truly feel for you.

I had lots of maybe's too. I was shopping when it started.

Maybe if i knew i was 1 week pregnant (didn't show up when poas) then it may have been ok, maybe my knee op and the medications did damage.

Maybe if i pushed the ob/gyn more about testing me for blood conditions, i didn't know my aunty (mums twin - my mother died 17 years ago) had thrombophilia and caused her to loose at 14 weeks. I wished i had talked to my aunty more.

Maybe if i took bedrest, even though the ob/gyn said it wouldnt make a different.

and the biggest one, i shouldn't have gone shopping. i wanted to get out after being out of action from the knee ops for such a long time. i had a sore back and was spotting - but i did anyway. My husband kept saying "it wasn't because you went shopping, thats just what you happened to be doing when you miscarried"

i felt wet from blood, thank goodness for leather seats. i got home and the contractions started, my husband drove me to hospital. i had contractions in the reception area and the office workers were trying to hold me. Eventually a nurse arrived with a wheelchair with a spill pad on it. my pain was horrible, the ob/gyn arrived and my contractions were 1 minute appart. He found the baby passing though the cervix and he got forceps and removed the baby within its sac. i wished i never looked at it being removed. then the doctor took it behind a curtain for a closer look, he asked me if i wanted a look - we both declined. I didn't need a d & c, which was very rare.

I was given all the hope in the world, great heartbeat, great size, good hormones - at 9 weeks, and at 10 weeks gone. im being investigated now, because "i shouldn't have lost" according to the doctor.

twice bitten, a million times shy now. its weird to be ttc yet using protection because im so scared.

One thing im glad about that just 3 weeks after my mc my above mentioned aunty died. of a heart attack, she had swine flu. because i was suffering and she had in the past too (1 at 14 weeks, another at 28 weeks - never had any surviving children) we spent lots of time together and she helped me. im glad i got that, she was like my mum.

My SIL said that the physical pain of miscarrying (twice) was worse then giving birth to her son and daughter. 9 pounds and 10 pounds (big babies).

thanks for sharing rochelly and TDoern.

tammy25 · 10-19-2009, 02:48 PM

hey Tammy congrats i just read your blog you sure have the gift to write that is awsome i hope you have healthy nine months you are in my thoughts

rochelly · 10-19-2009, 06:29 PM

Tammy - thank you so much for sharing your story and words of encouragement. I really just felt I needed to purge myself of the story and am so grateful to have the support of this website to do so. And ITA with what you said @ seeing our babies again. I know that I will see her one day and she will know how much I loved her. My faith that e/thing happens for a reason and that "all things were together for the good" have brought me through. And I am so happy for you that you are expecting, truly (envy reserved for my sister

) and wish you all the luck and protection in the world for a healthy pregnancy. Other Tammy was right, you have a gift with words and they inspired me.

And Pink - I understand what you mean about if I had only, and I think your husband is 100% right about his synopsis, that is what you were doing when you miscarried. Maybe we would all feel better if we worded it in that way, I was _____ when I miscarried, as opposed to I miscarried when I ______ . I know that you know that it is not your fault. As I know it was not mine. And I totally know what you mean about BC while TTC, the trepidation. I was late last month and had to take a pg test, (and started the next day, doesnt it always happen that way, lol) and it was such a dichotomy of emotions. But I knew the tru one, the deepest root, was hope for a positive. But I was ok with the negative, bc we are not "trying" and it isnt my time yet.

But we will be trying again soon, because the hurt, the pain, the longing for what was lost does not compare in the slightest with the pure elation I felt pregnant. Sickly and all, it was the happiest time of my life and I never felt such pure unadulterated joy as those weeks of feeling life inside of me. I understand why they refer to pregnancy as a gift, in and of itself, no matter the outcome.

Best of wishes to you both, and you have no idea what it means that you took the time to not only read my story, but respond to it. Thank you.