Our first Foster placement is over......

samstars · 07-07-2004, 11:31 PM

It has been over a week now that we took our first foster kids to a different foster home. I have been having such a hard time dealing with their leaving that I chose to wait before posting here.

Never in my life would I have thought that a 3, 4 and 5 year old could turn our lives so upside down. We found out four days into their placement that the sw considered these kids the worst of the worst and told me that if we could handle them we could handle anything.

To make this short, they literally tore my house apart, tried to hurt all of my animals, considered having to behave and time out a joke. We tried all kinds of punishments for bad behavior and nothing worked because their "real" daddy is "bigger, stronger and has a belt" exact words. The oldest told my DH that she wanted our house to look like her "real" home.

When my DH went in to talk to the SW about going ahead with moving them on she said she understood and had a new placement within two hours. They already had a backup because they knew just how bad these kids are.

Now, my house is quiet, the toys are all in the toy box and the beds are empty again and my heart breaks over and over and over everyday.

We did decide to go ahead and foster at least one more time, they keep telling us that it will be different the next time, my thing is what if it is worse?

Our final adoption approval is suppose to happen this month, that is if our caseworker has gotten all of our paperwork together. When I talked to her last week it was still sitting on the supervisors desk. UGH!!!!!!!!

Sorry girls, I just needed to get some of this out. I can't go all into it but the feelings of failure have run deeply.

Stacy

slhightower · 07-08-2004, 11:43 AM

Stacy, my thoughts are with you... and it was wrong and rude of them not to tell you just how bad these kids were before they placed them with you! I know you feel like a failure... but you're not... you are a loving person and that so easily seen even now after what they put you thru and you are still thinking of them what is to become of them!

Something will work out, one way or another.

Annrie · 07-08-2004, 09:57 PM

Hi Stacy!

I am so sorry to hear your first foster placement did not work out. Going from 0-3 kids overnight can't be easy to begin with, but then for them to be so bad. Don't blame yourself. It was better to move them than to make yourselves absolutely miserable with kids who are so out of control. Sometimes these kids have had so much trauma in their lives, they don't know a good thing when they see it.

My husband and I are trying to adopt thru the state. Actually, we are signed up to foster adopt, but I am very nervous about the fostering part. We are trying to get one, 3yrs. or under. I have animals also and don't want kids that are going to terrorize them, but unfortunately I think the sw place them with the hopes someone can handle them, even tho they know how bad they are. That was not fair to send you those kids on your first placement. They want foster parents and then they do something like that and send them running for the hills.

I definitely think ya'll should give it another try. Surely they can't be all bad! (I hope!) There is a darling group of 5 on the Texas site, the youngest is 1yr. old. It says they are well behaved and respectful of adults. Don't know how many ya'll are interested in. My husband says 1 at a time and that's it! We'll have to see. I would love to look into them myself, but he would have a stroke!

Hope you get to feeling better.

Ann

DanaJ · 07-09-2004, 02:25 AM

Stacy,
My heart broke for you after reading your post. My husband and I also signed up for foster to adopt in the hopes of finding our forever family. We hoped and prayed and we agreed to have sibling groups placed with us. We had five brothers all under 7 (6, 5, 4, 2, & 2). They were with us for three months, placed back with birthmom for 17 of the longest days and then returned to us for nine more months.

To make a long and heart breaking story short they were returned home again. We gave up for awhile. The system does not always work but you have to keep hoping that it will. We lost our 5 beautifull boys, something that after a year still comes to my mind every day. We have to moved to a new state and are starting all over again.

It's hard, but just think when YOUR kids are finally placed in your home it will work out!
Dana

dms · 07-09-2004, 12:01 PM

Oh Stacy,

My heart hurts for you. I'm sorry that your first experience was so horrible. I know how excited you were.

Keep your chin up and keep your faith.

Dawn

samstars · 07-09-2004, 10:13 PM

Oh girls, thank you all for your words and support. I really didn't mean for anyone to hurt with me, but I do appreciate the empathy.

At times I have felt very much alone even though I know my DH hurts too.

Stephanie---girl your time is coming soon and I will rejoice with you. Thanks for being a good friend.

Dana--my heart broke for you too. To have had those precious babies for a year of their life. If you need someone to talk to I am here pm me or email anytime.

Ann---my DH won't even let me look at more than 2 sibs. He would probably stroke out too. Maybe I will peek.

Dawn---thank you--my faith has been what has gotten me through--our church very, very small has been very supportive. We are probably the youngest married couple and they are praying and praying for us.

We are still waiting for our adoption paperwork, supposedly it is still sitting on a supervisors desk for a signature and has been for a month now. My DH has decided enough is enough and plans to start calling daily. God help our SW--he can be very persistent.

Again thank you all, what a wonderful blessing this forum is.

May God bless you all.

Stacy

Dawn in KS · 07-10-2004, 09:30 PM

In four years of being a foster parent, we've had three placements. Two of the three we've had to disrupt.

The first child, we adopted. :-)

The second placement hurt the worst, two teenage girls we had to give notice on after 14 months of loving them. They got WAY out of control.

The third we had to give notice on after four months. A three year old boy and a seven year old girl. They turned our life upside down in more ways than I can write.

I know how your heart breaks when you have to send them to another home. I have to keep reminding myself that 1) My first priority is my husband and son, and 2) that in order to help children in need, I must first have a strong family in order to support them.

When the children upset your life to the degree that you are losing your sanity-- keeping them in your home is not best for your family or for the children you are fostering. You've done the right thing. Our family rarely fosters anymore. Iit can be so disruptive, and then so painful when it's time for them to go.

I admire you for trying again.

Dawn

PS I'm impressed your agency had another placement in two hours. We have to give 14 days notice, and after six months it's 30 days notice. How insane is that?

rachelmichellek · 07-27-2004, 03:15 PM

Gosh. I hope they get the placement that they need. Maybe they need to be separated for a while (with visitation) to get one on one attention for their behavior and other needs. I have not yet been a foster parent, but have been a foster sister (back in the early nineties when kids were in foster care indefinitely with no TPRs, at least now they do that a little more efficiently) and I have always worried what happened to the kids after they left our place for other foster homes.