Our Husbands

Cheeky McGee · 06-03-2005, 07:09 PM

I got married back in September to the most wonderful man on the planet. I can and do tell him everything. Everything except the details of my hair. I managed to stop the hair loss from my head (which I did share with him so he wouldn't wonder why his girlfriend was going bald!) with supplements and following the IR diet (losing weight too, bonus!) but the hair on my face, stomach, back and breasts is still growing strong (hate it hate it hate it!).

I used to pluck my facial hair until it just go so out of control I was spending 4 and 5 hours a DAY and sometimes much more, just plucking. (Even at work!) So I switched to shaving, which I hate because then I feel like a man. It's so defeminizing (did I just make up a new word?) and I'm mortified that I have to even do it. I spend so much time shaving my face and breasts I can't even worry about my legs, stomach or back.

I have a great therapist who's been helping me with my depression and eating disorder for about 5 years now, but he's a man. When I mentioned how awful the excess hair made me feel (I said it in a joking way, my way of dealing) he laughed and that hurt so much that I've never mentioned it again. I'm sure he was laughing at the way I presented it and not the problem itself, but still, I'm extraordinarily sensitive about it.

So this all brings me to my DH. I love and adore him, but I find I can't confide this one thing to him. I'm mortified that he might see me with stubble or might feel it even! Ack! I know he knows how I feel about it because he's very careful not to touch my face (I must've cringed a few times or something) when we're cuddling and it SUCKS! I like having my face touched by the man I love, but not when it feels like sandpaper. God, I hate this disease so damn (can we say 'damn' here?) bad.

How much do your husbands know about the excess hair? How did you tell them? Did they freak out? Do they treat you differently? I don't know if my DH wonders how I go through so many razors so fast when I hardly ever shave my legs, but he's not stupid, so I figure he's got to know what's going on.

I'm hoping to get some help coping with the physical and emotional symptoms of this awful illness that makes me hate myself and my body and the way it's betrayed me. The one good thing I can say is that DH and I don't want kids, so the PCOS is like a little added birthcontrol in addition to our regular contraceptives.

I'm sorry. This is really rambling and all over the map. It's nice to be able to vent.

mlh · 06-04-2005, 02:12 AM

He's a wonderful guy and he tells me all the time I'm beautiful. I've mentioned many times that I'm too hairy but always in reference to leg hair or something. I've never mentioned the facial hair and I'd die if anyone said anything about it. I get electrolysis but have been broke the past month and have had to resort to pluck (bad I know but I can't bring myself to shave).

I know he'd accept this about me and tell me I was still beautiful and I'm not even sure he notices, but its something I'm deeply sensitive about. I dont like having my face touched either (or my butt which I'm self conscious because its hairy and despite shaving it never seems to feel smooth enough to me).

He's actually not a huge face toucher which is good, but I cringe everytime he does it (maybe he just notices). It would be nice if I could let him, but its something I just prefer not to discuss or have him know.

amanda_gail_81 · 06-04-2005, 11:37 AM

I got married in July of last year to a great guy that I had been dating for about 4 and a half years, basically all through college and thereafter, so anyway I had never discussed the facial hair issue but early on in our dating adventures I made it clear to him that I wasn't comfortable with him rubbing or touching my face, and he was fine with that and no further explanation was made.....fast forward to our honeymoon cabin in Gatlinburg.....

I had gotten up early to fix breakfast for him and it dawned on me that I couldn't do it without shaving my face first, I couldn't possibly let him see what I really looked like in the morning (how I thought I would be able to carry on with this routine for the rest of our lives I will never know), so here I am shaving away, shaving cream still on half my face AND.......

my new husband of one day opens the door!

We just looked at eachother, he rubbed his eyes, and looked at me again. I didn't know what to say so I went on with my business and he peed...and then we just laughed about it. I asked if he had noticed it before and he said he had but he didn't love me for my hair anywhere and it wasn't a big deal, and then of course he lauged again and made a comment that at least now he knew how I took care of it. I still don't like to shave in front of him but at least now the burden of him knowing is off my shoulders.

Sorry this is so long, I thought you might get a chuckle out of it. Hang in there, this junk is hard to deal with but there are many others dealing with it too. *hugs*

Darlene123 · 06-04-2005, 01:13 PM

Its funny, Im the same way..... Im sure my husband realizes my problem, esp because Im sure early morning he see's his wifes stubble.... but its a completely Taboo topic between us.
I do not talk to him at ALL about it. I think he realizes its a topic to be left alone.
I feel self conscious enough, and not very feminine that I dont want to talk to him about how his wife is a hairy beast.... so I just stay quiet and do what I can to try keep some dignity.
I know my husband would be fine with this all....its just a personal choice for me.

Rozlynn · 06-06-2005, 10:49 AM

I am the same way with my Fiance...I can talk to him about anything and everything but for some reason this was one thing I couldn't do but had to. For the longest time my fiance' would say he could never go out with someone that didn't take care of hair issues. This made me very nervous of course because my upper lip was getting darker by the night and the few strays on my chin just wouldn't go away. So of course any chicky would freak out after hearing a comment like that. I eased my way into the conversation by telling him that I had to go wax some things. He asked like what. He knew I was embarressed by it so he told me at least I'm taking care of whatever issues I may have, and that he's never known any woman to actually care that much to wax. I had to explain to him a few things after that....He had no idea what I had to go through...He kinda had a smirk on his face but overall it was sincere. I started crying and he told me that he would love me for forever and a Day with or without all the hair in the world.

So yes I guess it was hard to say something to him but eventually they will catch onto your routines and wonder. Let it out there to your man. If he loves you for who you really are...He won't freak out

bethers · 06-06-2005, 11:06 AM

My DH knows all about the excess hair, and he doesn't care. In fact, he is my "reminder" for when my jaw hairs get out of control. I can't always see them and he gives me a loving reminder that it is time to take care of them.
He is always telling me that he loves me, and that I'm gorgeous.
I don't think that your DH will care about the hair. He loves you for you.

VivC · 06-06-2005, 01:27 PM

Gals, they don't think it's as big a deal as we do. Wanna see how little they care? Here's an example:

I was in the hospital on bedrest, waiting for Rivi to be born, and I couldn't hold the hand mirror and pluck at the same time (I tried shaving, but I kept slipping and nicking myself). I tried to get my face and tummy dehaired by the time the 5:30 nurse showed up for vital stats (I did shave my tummy). Hubby held the mirror for me every morning. He even went and found a lamp so that I could get all of the strays. And, when I was in labor and unable to concentrate, he plucked FOR me. He just didn't care.

Now, our marriage is falling apart, but he still doesn't say a damned word about my excess hair - he goes out of his way to tell me he doesn't see it at all. If only he wasn't such a jerk about the big stuff, he'd be a keeper!

MandarinMarie · 06-11-2005, 04:15 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for four years. I was just like you. I hated my extra hair. I did all I could do hide it. I hated even the thought of it, so I basically tried to pretend it didn't exist. I thought that the process and thought of shaving my face was so horrific that I basically gritted my teeth through it and then tried not to think of it.

Well, it kept getting worse and when it finally came up in conversation (not 100% sure how this happened, I think it was him saying "why won't you ever let me touch your chin?") it turned out that he KNEW IT WAS THERE ALREADY. In some ways, this was terrible. I was thinking, hey, if he knew it was there, I was doing a horrible job of concealing it, and who else knows about this? But on the other hand, it wasn't like it was some kind of revelation to him. I guess in the back of my mind I thought that if he knew I could potentially grow this crazy sideshow beard he would be freaked out and stop loving me.

Of course, that isn't what happened. He is a wonderful guy. The ensuing conversation was actually really eye-opening. He really started to understand how sensitive I was about it when I could barely talk about it with him (we had always talked about anything). He asked me why I didn't just shave it sometimes, and I explained that I did. He was very gentle about the whole thing, and sort of shrugged off my insane complex I had about my facial hair. Through his acceptance, I've actually accepted it much more myself. It could partially be that I'm just used to it now, but I no longer feel horrible when I shave my face (it helps me to do it in the shower....doing it in front of the mirror and sink makes me feel more manly). I even let him touch my chin when it's a little prickly if he wants to.

Anyways, the point is that this guy is your husband. Unless you are crazy OCD about your excess hair, I would bet you that he already knows about it and didn't want to bring it up.