On Our Last Leg

GarySargent · 02-08-2004, 02:26 PM

To both ladies & gentlemen,

The road to my fiances PCOS started about 2 years ago when I encouraged her to see a doctor regarding her frequently absent periods [she had been dealing with these since puberty]. Unfortunately, her doctor failed to diagnose her condition and merely perscribed a different type of birth control pill to her and left it at that. To make matters worse my fiance, [I'll call her Laura to keep things simple], more or less came away from the appointment feeling "problem solved" and failed to get a second opinion. Her periods came and went very abnormally for another 6 months and it wasn't until I pushed her again she finally went to see a second doctor.

The second doctor, thankfully, conducted blood work and ultrasound scans diagnosing Laura with PCOS. On the downside, he too, offered a different type of birth control pill and asked her to come back in a year. I remember clearly her coming back from the appointment telling me she had a condition called PCOS and she had a new pill from her doctor that would take care of her periods. She had an overwhelming sense of relief and pushed on with life as "business as usual." As for myself, I was concerned and immediately went out and purchased every book on PCOS I could find. It took me about 3 weeks but I finished reading them all and realized Laura was in a for a rougher ride than she realized.

Over the next few months I started to encourage Laura to read some of these books as they had much different and important information about her PCOS condition. My encouragement turned to constant reminders and ultimately to nagging when she failed to ever read any of the material or even consider some of what I was telling her about treating her condition 1. Seeing an endincrinologist, 2. Exercising, 3. Eating right, 4. Stopping smoking, etcetera. That went on for about a year, last year.

That year was a very tough one for us. Laura's condition was obviously getting worse to anyone who could see it. She was gaining weight, became more lethargic overall, oversleeping, being unmotivated, becoming more anti-social, constantly plucking chin-hair, developing adult acne and all of the other symptoms I had read about. Despite her worsening symptoms Laura went on with an ignorance is bliss attitude while I began to get bitter and started struggling with the effects these symptoms were having on our day to day life. Instead of being with a fun, energetic, well kept, 25 year old beauty I found myself with a nasty, slothful, unkept, old woman. Her appearance, the way she kept herself, her actions, her moods (boy oh boy), her energy, her social drive, her sex drive... just everything about her had changed from the woman I knew... literally before my eyes... and again, she seemed unwilling to do anything about it. Sigh.

It wasnt until this past winter when she gained another 25lbs in two months (she doesn't eat healthy but she doesnt overeat) that I think the lightbulb finally went on in her head [when this all started she was 5'5" and 140lbs, now she is 185lbs]. Although it seemed she started to understand she had a condition she still balked at doing anything about it (did not excercise, didn't read the books I'd bought, etc, etc). She fell in to a depression which really changed our relationship further. I finally had to take matters in to my own hands and scheduled a Endicrinologist appointment for her. Two weeks ago we finally recieved her blood work and everything came back normal except her Testosterone levels (118 ng/dl area) and LH/FSH ratio (about 3 to 1). The endicronologist put her on 1000mg/day metformin and asked her to come back in 2 months so they could re-test the levels. [Although he did take action it was disappointing the doctor had a tinge of the attitude that Laura is 25 and her hair growth, weight problems were not that big of a problem and that other women had it far worse than she did and that any mention of her mood/depression/etc is just 'one of those things'] Despite this, I walked out of that appointment relieved both for Laura (she finally seemed like she realized she had something and it could be dealt with) and for myself. I feel like this condition of PCOS has changed the person I fell in love with 4 years ago to someone I dont recogize anymore and this Rx was a step in the right direction of "getting her back". You see, when I first met Laura she was fun, energetic, outgoing, fit, self confident, etc. Today she is moody, tired, anti-social, overweight, and just plain nasty to be around. I don't recognize her.

My initial elation and what seemed like I was finally getting through to Laura quickly faded. Over the last two weeks she has been taking her Met but nothing else. It is as if she thinks this pill will solve everything and thats it. She wont read any of the books, log on to this posting nor has she made an effort to change her diet or begin excercising. She talks about these things yes... and it has only been two weeks... but inside my head I'm screaming "What in the heck are you waiting for!!??, DO SOMETHING!".

Any husband or father or fiance or boyfriend out there living with someone with PCOS may understand the frustration I am going through. I'm literally on my last leg and ready to give up altogether on us and our relationship and it ticks me off that its all because of this damned PCOS! Where is the woman I once knew? I don't know. I read all of the posts on this website and I see the horrible frustration and pain this condition causes women personally yet I see each of them wanting to push forward and take control of it the best they can. I look at Laura and I just don't see that glimmer. It's been over 18 months since we started this road. Am I missing something here? How can I help her... how can I help her understand that this PCOS has taken so much from us already why let it take more. I know I can't do it for her... I just don't know what to do. I'm willing to go the distance with her but faced with someone that doesn't seemingly want to try my will to "hang in there" is getting thin. Does anyone [men or women] have any suggestions?

Signed, Hopeless.

creme brulee · 02-08-2004, 02:47 PM

Hi, I hope you don't mind me butting in as I'm not a male, but just thought I'd give you some reassurance. Sorry that you are going through such a rough time in your relationship and I really, really hope things will work out for you. Sounds like you have really suffered at the hands of this PCOS and I'd say give the met some time to take effect. Your other half will more than likely change her diet as the met makes you spend most of the day on the toilet and eating fatty or high carb foods will just aggrivate it even more, so she'll learn from trial and error. Hopefully the met will also help her to shed some of the pounds that she has put on in the last couple of years.
However, having said all that, PCOS doesn't necessarily change you as a person, it sounds to me like there is more to the story than meets the eye. Your girlfriend has lived with PCOS for most of her life and she probably had it when she met you and, yes, there are definitely ways in which you can control the symptoms, but the PCOS itself doesn't stop you from moving on with your life and stop you from having a happy relationship.
You sound like a really nice guy and you certainly take more interest in this condition than most husbands/boyfriends etc and you really must be at your wits-end with all this, but I'd say show her your post on here and she might understand more of where you are coming from.

Hope everything works out for you - all the best.

Memeshow · 02-08-2004, 03:21 PM

I found out that I had PCOS when I was about 20. It took me till this past year (I'll be 28 this year) to finally realize that it was something more then just not having my period. More then just having a hard time getting pregnant. I just seen it was something I had to deal with.

This past year, I finally for some reason, felt that I needed to learn more about PCOS and I started reading online about it. I found out so much more then I every thought it dealt with....more then my ob/gyn ever told me about it. I have since lost 55 pound going from 227 to 172 (I'm 5'8").

I say give her a little time yet with it. In the mean time, maybe talk to her about it. Tell her what other problems she could get from PCOS. Why don't you start a Low Carb WOE (way of eating)? That could be a way of getting her to eat better.

Good luck!

LuckyHubbie · 02-11-2004, 02:53 AM

Gary,

I have to say, your knowledge of PCOS was very shocking to me! Good for you for taking the time to educate yourself and being so aware of your fiance's condition. Also, I was very impressed with your writing skills... I on the other hand, am not so blessed.

But being a guy I thought I'd give you my thoughts.

Does "Laura" have anyone to talk about PCOS with other than you? I'm sure she is aware that she has gone through changes and it may be difficult for her to discuss it with you because the changes affect the way she looks to you and are sure to make her feel very self consious.

If you possibly can, try to get her to come to this board. All these women are in the same boat. They all have different experiences and they share them. There is always something to learn because they all have different health providers who may know what the heck they are talking about, unlike the doctors my wife has had to deal with. It's definitely a huge network of knowledge here.

On that note:

You may want to rethink your post if she does plan on visiting this board!

Quote:

Instead of being with a fun, energetic, well kept, 25 year old beauty I found myself with a nasty, slothful, unkept, old woman.

I'm sure if she saw what you wrote.... it would bring her to tears and do huge damage to your relationship! Please don't think that I am trying to flame you. I was just pretty shocked when I read that.

I'm not sure how to put this.... but chances are "Laura" may never appear the way she did when you met her. Metformin isn't a cure for PCOS nor was it designed for PCOS. Taking Met along with diet and many other things simply help control PCOS.

Like "Laura's" doctor told her.... Many other women have it far worse than she does. I would bet many ladies on this board would be overjoyed to be a mere 185 pounds!

"Laura" is depressed I'm sure. She has changed physically and I'm sure she is perfectly aware of it. She knows she isn't the person you met. She knows your taste in women. This has to really mess with her. It can easily make the situation worse if she is feeling so bad about herself.

Be very careful how you treat her. Show her how much you love her. Tell her you enjoy her sexually. Do everything you can to make her feel beautiful. Then gently encourage her to take the steps she needs to better herself, even if it takes awhile. No one likes to hear negative things about themselves, especially if they are depressed to begin with. And watch the nagging!!! I hate to be nagged. Often nagging leads to the exact opposite results.

Consider altering your diet and exercising with her. Before my son was born, I low-carbed with my wife to give her support (even though I'm slender) and I wound up in great shape and got my six-pack back!

Take a moment and try to see how you interact with her. You are obviously very frustrated. I might even say resentful. Maybe not to her directly, but definitely to PCOS. If you accidently say, or insinuate some of the opinions you've posted about, you can really hurt her, making her situation even more hopeless.

I'm very worried that you may never get over her physical changes. You seem pretty disgusted by the way you described things. I'm hoping that I am wrong and you love her unconditionally and see the person inside that you fell in love with.

Just my two cents.

AmericanWoman · 02-17-2004, 06:50 PM

Sgt. Gary,

I agree with the other posters in here, LuckyHubby said it really well especially. You have some very VALID concerns and you're having the 411 on PCOS is a great asset to your relationship with your GF. She is lucky to have someone so loving, involved and wanting what's best for her.

Unfortunately, the way you come across leaves a bit to be improved/desired. You come across like "my way or the highway" and like you think she is an unkept mess of a woman.

I had a good friend (female) who came across like you...she was on my case to lose weight, improve my manners etc. She had a lot of good advice for me. I did lose weight with treatment (I am up to 2000 mgs of met) and working out...plus low-carbing however this friend thinks I lose weight too slow (only 42 lbs. since 09/11, look in my sig line). The last straw though was when she started barking orders to me and lying. I told her I felt disrespected and gave her specific examples...then broke off my friendship with her. I have to though keep in contact for business. Ugh.

I told her

It is not what you say it is how you say it

I sense the same for you. You have a lot of very VALID things to say but the message ain't getting through since you seem to carry a lot of blantant DISRESPECT for your gf, whom you claim to love (and I believe you but I wonder).

To control my PCOS, I have once a week hair plucking (electroy.) on my face...have since 1999 and hair is less but still growing. I take 2000 mgs of met, I low carb most of the time...I take a lot of vitamins, I also take 50 mgs of spiro (spose to help hair but I am still waiting). I hate to break it to you but there ain't NO MAGIC CURE.

Maybe your GF is a slothful, unkept mess of a woman. She also might be sensing your disrespect and has given up on getting any romantic and respectful treatment.

BTW, "sloth" is a word my EX-friend often used on me. When I confronted her, she told me the classic line "you are maybe too sensitive".

Hope this helps. If I am too hard on you, it is because I want to say something helpful and molly coddling you ain't going to help you sir. I truly want things to work out for you and your cyster...and my instincts are usually right, and my gut says to say this.

Blessings to you both.

ang27 · 02-24-2004, 08:33 PM

although i agree with most of what everyone else said im going to come at you from a different angle. I am a woman with pcos. what you are describing to me sounds like depression. im wondering if maybe your fiance' is more concerned about this than you think but doesn't know what to do about it. I was in the same situation and still am most of the time. i was 108 lbs. when my husband and i got together. i am now 198 and am only 5'2 talk about depressing!! i am just starting a new dose of met and am trying to low carb and exercise. however to get to my point.... when i first started the plucking i was so embarassed. i would push away my husband any time he got close but i would make sure the hair was gone so he wouldnt know for fear he would not understand. i had no sex drive because my own body made me ill. it had nothing to do with him but i couldnt explain it to him so he would understand so he thought i had lost interest in him. most days i didnt feel like getting fixed up because my clothes didnt fit right, my skin looked a mess, etc, etc. i just didnt feel feminine and couldnt deal with this all. luckily my husband has hung in there with me . he has never made a mean remark or said a word about my weight. we still have some problems because of my ability to deal with this not his. im not telling you it is easy because it is not . just know that most of what your fiance' is going through is normal for this disorder. after i talked to my husband and finally broke down in tears and explained why i didnt want him to touch my face things got better. she will do this when she feels she can,,,,, i mean explain what she is feeling. this is an emotional rollercoaster!!! and im sure when you said she is overweight and unpleasant to be around you are probly right. i am also. but this is not something she can wave a wand and have disappear. talk with her, make her feel she is still sexy, and dont pressure when she doesnt seem to want to talk. all i can tell you is that you eventually get used to the skin you are living in. i hate being overweight but i have finally got to the point where i know if i want to change i am the only one who can change it. if you love her stick with her. she needs your support even when she shoves you away. i wish i could explain it better but im not that great at this stuff. just know it doesnt have to do with you but it does have everything to do with her. i love my husband even when i dont want him to touch me and i dont fix my hair or dress up.

Sari · 02-25-2004, 12:06 AM

I also wanted to suggest depression. Having all these symptoms isn't fun for your girlfriend either. Maybe she needs to do some things to feel more "girly" and better about herself. Maybe seek treatment. I know you are blowing off steam, but reading your post made me really hurt for your girlfriend, and I really hope for her sake she never finds out what you wrote.

diamethyst74 · 03-03-2004, 04:22 PM

First of all.....

@Luckyhubby...your wife is a very lucky woman!! My husband couldn't handle the effects PCOS had on me...mainly the weight gain....and he left. He was very into eating healthy, and lifting..
and although we "tried" to do it together...he ignored me in the gym. Mind you, I am by FAR NOT an unattractive woman....I just
have more pounds on my 5'2 frame than I should. I hide my extra weight very well. However, sexually....it wasn't good enough for him. So, thank you for representing the decent male population out there who have the ability and desire to understand.

@Sgt,

Please hang in there with "Laura." She needs you these days more than ever. I wish everyday for a SO that will understand what I go through...and laugh WITH me....not Patronize and demean me. Although I am impressed with your knowledge, I wonder where the rest of your compassion is. Hang in there! Be strong.....you are concerned enough to seek this board for help and answers....so, be strong for her to! Keep posting, keep asking for information, relay it to her.....tell her you understand.

*Clarissa* · 03-04-2004, 08:51 PM

First, I think everyone here is being to nice to you. I really get from your post that you are only concerned about the pcos because it is affecting her physical appearance. Do you love her or not? If you did none of the physical stuff would matter, and your post would have been about your concern for her emotional well being. I noticed that she is your fiancée, if you are not in love with her, set her free to find someone that will be. She will never be the same person, Physically, which you feel in love with.

I really get that you only care about her appearance. That type of pressure is not what she needs right now. She will come to terms with this in her own time. For her sake I hope she never reads your post, as it will devastate her, to know what you really think about her. I also think you need to read your post and put yourself in her shoes. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if she said all these nasty things about you.

If you can't live with it, think about what she's going through having to live with it and you. Not every woman is a 5'5" 105lb beauty. We are not all models, and shouldn't be expected to be. There are men out there that love us just the way we are. She deserves that too.

Dreamy · 03-08-2004, 08:23 PM

I think everyone else has said what I am thinking, so I won't bother going over it again.

What I will say is, I knew I had PCOS for several years before I got diagnosed. I had all the symptoms etc ... I just did nothing about it because of the sheer embarrassment of the excessive hair and weight gain. It took for my hair to be falling out before I mentally snapped. Thankfully I did.

Possibly Laura just isn't ready to deal with this head on. It is a challenging thing to have both mentally and physically.

Best of luck to you both

Oana · 03-24-2004, 03:28 PM

Gary, congrats on getting so well-informed about PCOS.

I feel Laura may resist the pressure to "do something" partly due to the global poor awarness about what PCOS/IR is and what are its implications. As far as she sees things, she lived with it so far, so why not continue this way. Also, not everybody is enclined to researching such topics. And her depression might come from sensing that you are right about this syndrome being more serious than initially thought, as well as from her feeling guilty and possibly perceiving in your tone that to some effect her current state might be her fault. Ignorant doctors of course don't help either.

My advice to you is to be more of a gentle, listening, equal suporter (while still remaining well informed) than a harsh, telling, superior father figure. I exagerate of course, and I don't know the specifics of your interaction with her, but I feel she is in a sensitive state (both brought about by the unbalanced hormones as well as by having to accept that she has such a metabolic disfunction) and I think she's likely to benefit from such compassion.

Also, do try to get her glucophage dose at least up to 1500mg (even better, to 2000). 1000 rarely makes a difference.

Good luck and I appreciate your involvment and commitment to her well-being.
Oana

ktlynn · 03-24-2004, 05:43 PM

You're writing as if Laura has changed for the worst yet you are just the same as you have always been. Have you ever thought that maybe you have changed as a result of the PCOS too? You write that she's not the same beautiful nice woman you fell in love with. Look at it from her side. From your post, it sounds to me like maybe Laura thinks you're not the same compassionate caring man she fell in love with. Maybe all your nagging and pessimism has driven her away. I know that a woman with even mild depression often gets the attitude of, "he's doing nothing to make me happy, why should I do anything to make him happy?" You also write that your sex life has gone down hill also. How in the world to you expect a woman to feel comfortable with being intimate with you when you say the things you do about her appearance? While I do congratulate you on becoming so informed about her PCOS, you need to understand that nothing negative you say is going to help her change. Plus, I have all those books too, and I have read them all, but let me say that none of those books help you to deal with the emotions that come along with PCOS. I just think you need to step out and look at what you're doing to your relationship. I totally agree that relationships are 2 way streets, and Laura must do her part, but you're not making that easy for her at all. Just have some patience. This is not an easy thing to deal with, and she will be dealing with it for the rest of her life. Please try to be more understanding and lay off the negativity, it's not helping anyone at all.