nottellinnebody

I frequently feel so overwhelmed... I have too many health problems, both physical and mental, and I just can't cope with it all. Major depression, social anxiety, memory problems, very low self esteem, ADD, PCOS and all the problems it entails (hirsutism, etc.), scoliosis (and all the complications of this, like uneven breasts, etc.), chronic fatigue, and the list goes on.

I feel like a defective model of a human being. Nothing seems to be right. I feel like a disgusting freak. I wish I could wear a giant garbage bag to hide my body and have no one ever see me. And I feel like people can see all my mental problems just as clearly as my physical problems can be seen.

I'm on so many medications and no matter how many I take, no matter what the doses are, no matter how many different medications I've changed, no matter how much therapy I go to, nothing ever gets better. Nothing ever improves. Things just keep going wrong. And I've had bad life experiences, abuse and other things I don't want to write here, and the pain never gets better.

I go to college but it's a joke. I try to get out there and make something of myself but I can't seem to function normally. I feel mentally retarded. I don't feel capable of accomplishing anything, even day to day life.

It's so hard. I feel like all I ever do is try to claw my way out of a deep, dark hole but I'm so tired because it just keeps caving back in on me. I'm so tired and I don't have the energy.

Twilight2008

First off *HUGSSSSSS* for you! I know what you mean...because of my severe panic disorder, PCOS, weight issues, and other things I feel like a messed up human being.

Do you have someone you trust in your life that you can sit down and talk to? Someone who will listen without judging you? I think you need to spend some time talking out your feelings with someone who can help you. Talking about problems often helps get them sorted out and you start to realize things aren't always so bad because you are alive and life does have beauty and worth...even if it is hard to see at times.

You sound like a kind person who is having a rough go of it and thats okay, everyone is fighting their own personal battles and demons. Even those people who seemingly have everything and are perfect have wars raging inside them that no one knows about. Just know that you are NOT alone in life and in your difficult times.....and difficult times always come to an end, at some point. The key is holding your head up long enough to see the better times come along.

Try talking to someone or writing in a journal often. Try writing down 10 things everyday that you are thankful for, or happy about, or that are good in your life. Focus on those things throughout the day and your thinking will start to turn more positively!!

HUGSSSSSS my friend, keep your head up, okay?! You are a wonderful person who seems to have a good heart, keep reaching for your dreams, even when things get hard!

Mel

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kristen09

First off, you are not mentally retarded. That was a coherent post, correct grammar, spelling, etc. But I agree with Mel, you need someone to talk to, be it a relative, a friend, a therapist. Also, eating well and getting some sort of exercise will be good for you and your mood (I started getting out of my recent depression about 3-4 weeks after beginning an exercise program, and it wasn't anything major, I would do the recumbant bike 3x a week for about 30-45 minutes--this was after foot surgery, so I was limited in my activities). I have felt as you feel often--PCOS made me feel like a freak of nature, like I wasn't a real woman b/c of the facial hair and all. Then add the weight issues (I'm 5'1" and 245 lbs), anxiety, off-and-on depression, asthma and allergies, getting sick with bronchitis 3-4 times a year, my hair thinning on my head, hair where I don't want it to grow like my face, chest, stomach, etc. Stretch marks, 1 breast about a cup size larger than the other, and I felt unattractive and unwomanly and freakish. But with therapy and good friends and a great mom to talk to, I am learning to live with the body I've been given, and get out there. It isn't easy, but it can happen, it just takes effort on my part. And I don't know what abuse you've been through, and it's perfectly fine to keep that to yourself, but I'll tell you I was molested as a child, by a family member on my dad's side. And verbal abuse from people on my mom's side, so I know what it's like. You'll be ok. You've got this forum to vent when you need to, and read other people's stories and learn from their experiences--that's helped me so much. *hugs*