PCOS and sexual biochemestry - Page 2

aguywithquestions · 03-20-2007, 02:10 AM

Sorry everyone for going AWOL ... I've just been incredibly busy, working 60 hour weeks, traveling, etc., but appreciate, very much, all of your responses and patience.

Flyn and Kev, sometimes we choose the wrong word when attempting to articulate something. So, I concede "repulsed" can come off as a little strong in communicating the sense I feel with regard to holding this lady's hand. A better word is "adverse." On one occasion, though we were together planning a nice date, I held her hand and actually had to make an intentional act of the will to keep holding. It might even be described to "feel like" a spiritual sense, though I am proposing it is hormonal in some way ... some lack of a complimentary male / female chemistry.

To your questions flyn: Yes, it is the contact itself that generates this feeling. There is also, however, in some sense, (and gosh, I hate to say this, it sounds so trivial) but an adverse smell. The PCOS symptoms she has seem to be, for one, she struggles with facial hair but tends to keep up with it, somehow, I don't know what she does for it. I've known her a couple years, and by "potent" sex drive, I mean, if it is not "potent" it is "impotent." With other women I've dated, I've at least WANTED to, or was INCLINED to sexual relations ... (even if I refrained out of respect for them and my own moral convictions), but with this lady, there has been little such inclination at all.

I heard in this talk on biochemistry, that if you put an infertile cow in the pen with a bull, the bull won't touch the cow. But if she is fertile and a mile and three steel fences away, that bull will get to her. Throughout this relationship, I've just sort of felt like that bull in the pen.

To continue with your questions. This woman is a very intelligent, virtuous, a good lady. I initially felt very drawn to her. How long could I just sit and talk with her? Perhaps not long enough. But that is hard to tell.

Flubby, your comments are helpful. But what do you mean by homosexuality?

Thank you mlinn for your questions. Maybe there is something on my mind I need to address.

Reesha and WindDancer, sorry to abandon the conversation. If you have any other questions or comments, please let me know.

Thanks again.

ickle pands bf · 03-20-2007, 03:40 PM

ok, seems to me, you dont know what you want really....

You like her but yet you dont (if you know what i mean)

You seem to like the fact she is an intelligent virtuous lass, yet you dont like that she has PCOS.

Now, for me PCOS is and isnt an issue.

I know Pand has it, i know that it does affect her in different ways, she can be moody, she can have a little self doubt on her abilities. But all in all, a good talk, a cuddle and time together to find out what she really is thinking, solves a lot of what she is worryin about.

The isnt part, i dont know nearly as much about PCOS as she does, thats why i am here, to learn more. So when the bad times do come (and they have been and gone on various occasions) i know whats causing them and know the best way to help her.

PCOS affects more and more girls/women every year, like every illness it has its side affects.

I guess what i am trying to say is, have you talked to your lass about it and also what feelings you have for her, she may be able to ease your mind on a few things, bear in mind you have only had to deal with this for a wee while, she has probably dealt with this for a while.

All in all, she probably is a great person and should be treated as such, yeah sure she has PCOS, but its the person you seem to be falling for surely............

mlinn · 03-20-2007, 11:13 PM

Well again, I am a woman not a man... but here is my opinion. You honestly sound like the most selfish person I have ever met. I was trying to give you some credit unlike the coworker that said what she did..but now after reading your response I am in full agreement that you are a pompous jack***.

All that aside, I have this wonderful (Non-PCOS) friend named Amy who is a very pretty,intelligent,nice,moral,christian person with a decent career (she is a police dispatcher) Anyways, she was dating this guy (a youth minister) for over a year. All of the sudden he starts making comments about other girls being attractive...he starts acting weird and he leaves her with this speech about how she is not the women he wanted or intended to be with. She was not the right hair color,bodybuild,couldn't dance well enough for him,didn't like to go bicycling with him,and he actually said she wasn't skinny or attractive enough for him. The point of my story is this...two months later he comes back to her begging her forgiveness and wanting her back. She told him no...now it is about nine months later and she has moved on and found a guy who is honestly amazing from what I hear... and then there is her poor conceited ex still groveling in self pity and still trying to crawl back to her still yet. He realizes that he made a huge mistake...but you sound so egocentric that you may not ever realize it. Pretty soon you may be the one groveling from the way you sound to me...

If she is as wonderful a person as you say she is in your posts - how in hades could you not be attracted to her?

So you want to use the term impotent,but yet you are having sex with this lovely young intelligent lady-or am I wrong in that assumption? Why don't you clarify? You sit here telling us you are not attracted, but on the underneath - you are having sexual relations/kisses/intimate moments with this young lady. Can you really have sexual relations with someone you are not attracted to unless it is forced? I never have. I started to once and I was like whoops...love ya..mean it,but no. Do you just need to get laid? You seem to have no real feelings for her whatesoever from what I have read you saying about her. So are you not reaching the big O? is she not? because if not,then you have a problem..if so..then I think your claims are invalid.

and about the smell...that is a load of bs...let me clarify something to you. There have been many a days when my guy asks me to "go below" when he doesn't smell great or even good. Many days it is VERY repulsive to me, but I also know that it depends alot on the conditions,what he is wearing,what he has had to eat that particular day. All of those are variables that can effect someone's "smell" To ward off this situation, I say hey... why don't we take a shower together(which hasn't been working so well for me lately) or say please don't eat that. Onions don't do favors for my man(tmi maybe). Maybe your young lady has been on antibiotics which can also cause a funny smell in women...maybe she ate something that affected her smell...maybe she wore some new undergarments (could also be the same effect)...maybe some of the medicines she takes also make her smell different. Those things all influence our smells.

Has anyone else reading this post ever had sex with someone that they were not in some way attracted in some way to? Maybe I am just the odd man out here.

So if the bull is in the pen with this women and he is not having sex/sexual contact with her that is one issue(that validates your psychological mumbo jumbo) - but that doesn't seem to be the case with you. You seem to be right in the pen with her..milking her for all she is worth.

My opinion..take it or leave it.

If I was in the pen with you I would jump over the fence and find one of the other bulls myself,honey. I have plenty knocking all up on my cage to be fenced in with one who doesn't love me or isn't attracted to me.

It is one thing to love a lady and wind up having sex with her...it is a whole different ballgame to be using her for what you can when you want it.

aguywithquestions · 03-21-2007, 03:22 AM

Hi Mlinn and Bf,

Thanks for the responses.

Mlinn, just to answer your speculation, no I have not had any sexual contact with this lady ... haven't even given her a romantic kiss. I'm a practicing Catholic and so is she ... in courtship we show our authentic care and respect for each other by chastity. We also believe this to be the very best way to prepare for marriage. So, no, I am not using her in any way. In fact, I have never even said a course word to her, even once. I care for her very much.

The reason I am on this web site is to simply see if there is any validity to my instincts on this question. Her body odor I mentioned doesn't happen in the type of situation you have described as experiencing yourself. It comes just from her ... usually at the end of the day ... just sitting on the couch together can be adverse, or unpleasant. Perhaps I can see, when and if it is appropriate, if there are any side effects to medication, or whatever ... but I hate to pry. Perhaps the time will come.

BF, thanks for the insights. She is a terriffic person and I do make every effort to treat her as such. She definitely deserves it.

Thanks again.

slightly · 03-21-2007, 01:58 PM

I've just skimmed through this topic and just thought i'd mention the thoughts that came immediately to mind. You can, of course, take them or leave them.

I see one of a couple of potential situations here, First, maybe you really like a lot of things about this woman but that you might just not be attracted to her. And that is ok, it happens. That is what dating is all about, finding out what kind of person you want to be with. You can like someone and think they are wonderful and want to want them but just not. So, perhaps that is the situation. Perhaps you like her and you are looking for a reason (PCOS) that the chemistry isn't there and you are hoping it can be "fixed" or something like that. I don't know the answer to that one.

Second, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Maybe you are young and this isn't an issue, but as you get older, your sex drive isn't going to be what it was when you were 16, 18 or 21. I have guy friends and my DH struggle with this, they want to have the same drive they had when they were young and they just don't. So, if you are expecting fireworks when you take the girl's hand, maybe your expectations are just too high.

The smell thing - i don't know what you are talking about or what to tell you. It does sound trivial. We are human beings and sometimes we don't smell like flowers, lots and lots of things can impact smell, even the food we eat. I bet you don't smell good sometimes either.

Just my thoughts for what they are worth.

aguywithquestions · 03-22-2007, 02:43 AM

Thanks Slightly,

You're very perceptive and your comments are all helpful. You may be right ... about the age thing. I'll be 39 soon, and perhaps I feel, as you said, as if I want to want to like her, but just don't for whatever reason. And maybe it is a general sex drive question on my side as well ... though just a couple years ago, this was not the case at all.

The smell thing (conceding it sounds trivial) is mentioned just as a possible questionable indicator that there is a hormone balance problem as well that disrups chemistry. That's all.

I just did a little search on the internet and found this article:
BBC News:
The magic of sexual attraction

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/236046.stm
How about this? If in fact, such phermones are linked to fertility, and fertility is effected by PCOS, is it possible sexual attraction is also effected by PCOS ... especially when fertility questions are involved?

There is an interesting point at the bottom of this article about the pill as well.

Thanks.

mlinn · 03-23-2007, 10:47 AM

Well then, I must apologize then, guywithquestions.

If you haven't had any sexual contact with the young lady, I believe it would be hard to say at all about the biochemistry situation.

As for the smell, I had a wonderful friend in high school who was very clean and she showered and used deodorant several times a day - she still had body odor. Me, being the blunt person that I am had a talk with her about it and she went shopping for different kinds of deodorant...she finally found one that worked with her body chemistry and poof the problem was gone. I believe that the whole deodorant thing is like the whole perfume thing - it effects our bodies differently based on our chemical makeup.

Maybe you are just attracted to this lady as a friend,but don't want to hurt her feelings because of the great person she is?

aguywithquestions · 03-23-2007, 09:54 PM

Well, I'll give you that Mandy. You are definitely blunt! :-)

Appology accepted. And thank you for the deoderant example. Perhaps that is all it is.

And, yes, maybe you are right, that I'm only attracted to this girl as a friend. Too bad if this is the case ... she really has many excellent qualities I am looking for. But, alas, we'll see what happens.

Thanks again. Take Care and God Bless.

thincyster85 · 03-25-2007, 07:40 AM

Dear aguywithquestions,
I agree with you about phernomes and physical attractiveness. I wouldn't jump to conclusions about a hormonal imbalance leading to a disorder. Phernomes say alot more about DNA. Opposite genes compliment each other and reproduce to make a healthy being- So if you are not so much sensing this attractiveness- your genes just may happen to be somewhat similiar. Therefore another guy may not be put off by these smells. So if you guys aren't genetically compatible she may be feeling the same way..unaware. And girls seem to downplay the physical part because of the difference between the genders. I was in a similiar scenario- dating a great guy, BUT I didn't ever have the urge to throw him on the bed and prounce. At the time I thought I was just doing good at keeping my promise to wait for sex until marriage. The relationship ended a year later after much anger about him 'not getting any' and my lost respect for him for not waiting. It wasn't until I met someone else, not long after, who had the great qualites and was VERY sexually appealing to me. We were sexual right away and I don't regret not waiting. I think of how much I would have been cheating myself if I stayed with the last guy. So if you are still sticking with this girl...you need to get out before you get in too deep. C'mon if you are already doubting about her and posting things for an opinion- in a sense already know the answer. It is just hard getting out of a relationship with someone who is so great and a 'best friend'. Yeah she'll hurt but she'll hurt more down the road when you are married- not having sex- and looking for stimulation elsewhere. Don't cheat her, don't cheat yourself. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Hope that helps. ?

mlinn · 03-25-2007, 11:51 AM

Found this today on another forum and just thought it was worth posting and maybe even applicable....

Love is appreciation for your partner and all that they do for you.

Love is attraction to our partner.

Love is balance between both partners.

Love is believing in your partner.

Love is committing to your partner for life.

Love is compassion for your partner.

Love is desire for your partner and only your partner.

Love is honesty with your partner.

Love is intimacy with your partner.

Love is laughter with your partner.

Love is listening to your partner.

Love is missing your partner when they are away.

Love is passion for your partner.

Love is pride in your partner for everything they do.

Love is respect for your partner for all their qualities that define them as the person they are.

Love is sharing with your partner in their pain and in their happiness.

Love is support of your partner when they are emotional drained.

Love is trusting in your partner to make solid decisions that are in your best interests.

Love is understanding your partner’s needs and providing those needs to your partner.

God Bless You and Yours,
Michael Heart

~*Heart*~ · 03-26-2007, 05:54 AM

Just wanted to chime in here and say that perhaps you just don't feel for this woman the way you think you should feel. Maybe she has qualities you're looking for, but if you can't love her, then let her go and find someone who will.

There are many symptoms of PCOS...and I don't recall stinking being one of them. I know at the end of the day, I need a shower...but so does my husband, and he's thin as a rail.

I don't know how to describe it, but if you don't feel like you are or can be in love with this woman, you need to break it off. She may be a wonderful person, but if you're going to scrutinize her and your "lack" of attraction to her, then just let her go. My husband didn't know about my PCOS when we first met, but he knew I was hiding something with lots of makeup. HE is the one who told ME that he knew about it and didn't care. Apparently, there are some things about PCOS you can't come to terms with and accept. I think (and I am speculating) that you are repulsed somehow by her appearance, but you just can't admit that you are that shallow.

Just my humble little observation....

aguywithquestions · 03-27-2007, 03:03 AM

Thank you for the advice thincyster85.

We broke up. And break-ups are always painful. Perhaps I'll meet someone else. Your input does help. It provides hope for finding someone else. I had a friend also tell me that sex was a very important part of his marriage ... he said it is how he and his wife recommit themselves to each other. Thank you for the advice.

Also, thank you leosbabygurl. Your input helps as well. I must say, women have a great gift for being very perceptive. Even in an anonomous forum like this, many of you have pinpointed certain aspects about me, and my relationship, just based on these posts, that I have not stated directly ... and provided me with a greater sense of clarity about personal matters. I must say it is awefully beneficial to recieve such feedback from women like you in this anonomous forum. THANK YOU!

And thanks for the latest post Mandy.

If any of you are believers, please say a prayer for me and my ex.

Thanks again and God Bless.

aimes16 · 03-28-2007, 07:50 AM

You probably did the right thing by breaking it off now. I don't think that PCOS has anything to do with sexual and physical attraction. My husband has never pulled away from me, and no one before him ever appeared to be repulsed. But I'm probably one of the few that it has never impacted my sex life. Your relationship sounds like it will work best as being friends only. Good luck finding the lifetime partner.

mlinn · 03-28-2007, 06:07 PM

Yes - I have to say I wish you luck on your journey looking for someone new.

You can't have feelings for someone you are not attracted to because eventually sex is a big part of a relationship. If you don't believe this - ask my boyfriend about our fight last night (j/K...well maybe not).

What kind of job do you have to be listening to seminars like that is what I want to know?

and about the stinky prob: stronger deodorant *tmi

This problem may be more common than we want to admit.

Better to get out now before she gets to emotionally involved and that is not shallow.

thincyster85 · 03-29-2007, 04:36 PM

Sorry to hear about the breakup- but glad you did the right thing. I hope she took it okay. Good luck in the future. : )