Performance Anxiety

Safyre · 07-27-2007, 07:32 PM

I'm not even sure where to start with this. I'm wondering if any one else has a significant other that, has trouble performing at times.
We're young, healthy (aside from my PCOS), adults, that alove each other dearly. But husband starts to think too much, and worry too much... and therefore, thing go away.

I try to be supportive of him, not get mad at him, and we do alot of foreplay to try to make sure it stays around for us ... but when it doesn't... and on days like today, when I know I'm going to ovulate... its soo hard to be understanding.
Does anyone else have this problem with this significant other? how do you deal with it? has it gotten better or worse.

I mean, I know that hubby is concerned that hes been gaining a bit of weight lately, and then when we havn't had sex in a few days, or if things didn't work out the last time, he starts to worry soo much, and its just a horrible cycle.
Anyone out there familiar with this? I just need advice on how to deal.

mluvsd · 07-27-2007, 07:48 PM

There are a number of things that could be happening when it comes to the problem your husband is having. (If we are running late or my husband has to 'perform' in a specified time frame... ie... he catches a glance at the clock and realizes he needs to 'finish' five minutes ago or we'll be late, then he gets anxious, starts thinking about things and can't finish) This has only happened two times. What I do to prevent it from happening again is that I turn the alarm clock around. So he doesn't get that little bug in his head.

I was thinking about that when you mentioned your DH. If you are making sex like a 'we need to do it today' b/c i'm ovulating it may take some of the spontenaity out of it and that could get him thinking about things. He may want to have kids, but the pressure of performing on cue, to get you to have kids may be too much to handle. (If you are obsessing about days, temps, cervical mucus etc...(like me) then don't tell him when your fertile time is. Just let him know that you want to DTD. That may take away some of the pressure.

Don't underestimate the fact that there could be a physical health problem that your husband is having that could be causing ED. If it continues he should talk to his doctor if he's too embarrassed you should talk to his doctor. (My DH is a type 1 diabetic if his blood sugar isn't at a certain level no matter what he 'wants' to do, physically his body won't make it happen.) So make sure he's healthy. If your DH is gaining weight that could be contributing to the ED. (I think fat holds onto estrogen, so his hormones could be getting out of whack)

No matter what the reason you should know that
1. It isn't your fault.
2. Don't get mad at him, that could make him more ashamed and make matters worse. He's probably already mad enough at himself for his parts not working. (It would be like him getting mad at you if you didn't ovulate)

Hope this helps.

La Blanca · 07-27-2007, 07:53 PM

The same thing happened to us my first cycle of Clomid; the pressure was just too much for him. I was so angry and let down and confused and hurt--you name it. And he was feeling all the same things. He said that it was just too much pressure. So, we agreed to handle it this way and it worked: I kept all the details of my treatment and cycles from him. He didn't know when I was having ultrasounds, when I was ovulating--nothing. I even hid my OPKs and did them at work so he wouldn't see them. The other thing he did was start taking an herbal supplement called Stamazide (available on amazon.com) which is kind of like a natural Viagra. I don't know if it really worked or not, but it at least worked as a placebo. Now, about feeling shy or hesitant to get at it again after a failed attempt...the way we handled that was with a make-out ONLY session. We agreed going in that we would fool around, but that there would be NO penetration. That way, he could feel free and unpressured. It worked like a charm. Since that time (which was back in February), he's only had one other near-failure. It turned out that a little Pre-seed (sperm-friendly lubricant) was all it took to get him going.

I hope some of that helps you. It's a terrible, terrible feeling when you've worked so hard just to ovulate and he can't do his one job. But the important thing is not to be too hard on him. As much as you might want to hit him over the head with something, that really only makes it worse. You have to coddle him and stroke his ego a bit.

Good luck to you and remember that you are among friends here.

Oh--one more suggestion: We agreed to BD every 2-3 days so that he wouldn't know when I was REALLY wanting it because I was ovulating. That helped a lot also.

Safyre · 07-28-2007, 12:18 AM

Thanks for the responses
Hubby went in for a full blood work up recently, as well as a 4 hour glucose monitoring test, and an SA, and everything came back as normal. I want to get the glucose monitoring cuz both his parents have diabetes, and when he started exhibiting some of the classic signs, I got him in asap. However, everything on that front is normal.
My hubs actually lost 110 lbs 2 years ago, by going on an insanely strict diet, and working out almost every day. Whats happened since we've gotten together, and gotten married, is that he feels he doesn't have the time to go work out. And we don't east as well as we really should. He's the type that if there is a treat in the house, he must eat it. I can leave cookies on the shelf for weeks and not care, but if he knows that they are there, he'll eat them. We're working on that. So, the sudden weight loss, and now not following the same diet, i think really has alot to do with the gaining weight back. he's leveled off lately though, he gained like 30 lbs back during about a 6 month period last year, but i think he's really leveled off now. he just doesn't seem to think so.

I've tried to keep my temps from him, and not let him know when I think I may be ovulating. It gets him nervous and makes him worry, and honestly, I really try not to focus on it too much. I mean, i'm pretty excited to see ovulation on two cycles in a row (yay me!) but, i try not to put that pressure on him.
This past two weeks have been rough, he's been on afternoons and i'm on early days, so we really don't see each other. we were going to try to DTD every other day.. but it just hasn't worked out that way.
I get frustrated cuz he says to surprise him, to not plan things. But then.. it doesn't work, cuz hes not in the mood, or starts thinking that last time it didn't work. So then we plan it ... and its too much pressure.

I try to not get mad at him for it, i tell him i understand, but he knows i'm disappointed, and he is as well.
I just sorta needed a place to vent.. and know i'm not the only one

VeganMom · 07-30-2007, 03:25 AM

When DH and I were TTCing -- there were some cycle months we just took "off." Menses I still charted but I let the temps go as far as pinpointing ovulation. There were also times where we would try but an orgasm for him wasn't going to happen, and we just let it go too.

It's hard work to TTC. We were quite honest about talking and there were times where we'd feel things like "God, do we have to AGAIN?!" or "Ugh. I'm sleepy. Let me just do you really quick/just do me really quick so we can knock off." Very perfunctory, unsexy sex!

It is totally ok to just hang up the TTC hat and take the focus off procreational sex for a while. Allow yourselves to have some fun recreational sex IF YOU WANT TO or just NOT HAVE ANY if you don't want to without it being a big deal.

Then you can come back the next cycle hopefully in a better frame of mind and better rested from the anxiety/pressure TTC can hold.

GL!
V.