jen-duck

I Don't Want to Start anything here. but I need to get something off my chest.

This is a VERY touchy subject with people.

Please be very sensitive to what is said.

I look at adoption as the world coming together-
not "kids in our own back yard". What makes
China not our back yard? or Texas?

DH and I decided on Guatemala because we were
#1 afraid that a birth mother would take back
the child- or just use us to pay for medical bills/housing
then change her mind. #2 I teach in a very HIGH poverty of a
VERY diverse school. I don't look at children as
American or Mexican or African or etc.. I see them as children.
More reasons- but that's all I say for that.

My son, needs us- his parents left him- he has no parents- why turn my back on him, just because he's NOT from Minnesota or the states? That's not his fault- or anyone elses fault or nothing that can be help- it was God's blessing to us.

God led me to him- and him to us- It DOESN"T matter to us that he wasn't from the states.

A lot of my students I teach are in the foster system, Jr and Sr high students, I see all the things they have to go through. I'm better served as being a role model of someone that can help many of them to help themselves to become what they want to be. I will probably when we get a large house, and feel the need- will open our hearts to foster children.

But, please... don't put us down- or think bad thoughts because our children are from a different country- they're still children and HUMANS. Not saying that everyone is saying that-

Thank you- for what you're doing in your life, s/he needs you. just like our son needs us.

ALl the love in the world and good luck
Jen-duck

Calantha

Amen. Mind if I cut and paste that to a few rude relatives? (Sarcasm, but seriously, I wish I could find a way to make people understand without feeling like I need to divulge the very private and personal thoughts and discussions DH and I had while trying to make this decision.)
We didn't wake up one day and say "I don't like kids from the US." for crying out loud. We thought, we discussed, we prayed and we went where our hearts and (we think) God led us.
Why is it that people feel they have the right to criticize us, ask extremely personal questions of us and just be downright rude to us, simply because we build our families in a different way?
Sorry, didn't mean to take over your vent, I'm at my wits end with "well meaning" relatives right now.
-Brandy

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jen-duck

calantha,
My brother when we first told my family about us adopting from Guatemala- was the ONLY one that said to us- Why, why not adopt from the states? It took him awhile- and when he first saw the pictures- he turned around- at least not saying anything too me- he said it- because he thought at the time that international adoptions were more of a hoax- but we explained to him- the pros/cons of international and domestic. and then from December to March- he slowly changed- so much that he bought me for my b-day in march Mommy books- and books about spanish and children books- and a stuff animal for Joel Armando for when we go visit him in 14 days NOW.... I'm not sure if he's 100% behind- but I think when Joel finally comes home- Uncle John will the best Uncle in the world (he is to our neice!)

See, My father was adopted 55 years ago- (domestic) and everytime my "grandparents" talked to him about it- my grandmother was very cruel and told him they didn't love him- just payed for him to do the farm work- my grandfather was more loving (we think grandma was a little demented all her life)very strange woman.

And dh's sister/bil adopted two korean boys 25 and 20 years ago- the younger one committed suicide (blind and metal issues) older one- is 29 now and is doing very well- actually he and his wife are expecting (she's caucasin) their first child in November too. so international fits in with his side of the family- well actually both sides- since we all just see the child and our LOVE for him.

thanks for letting me to continue to get things off my chest...
Jen-duck

Lisa67

Thank you for these posts. You have said EXACTLY what I have been feeling lately. I get this not only here, but from a few family members. My BIL in particular seems to feel free to say whatever he wants and not think twice about it.

We chose China after much thought, heartache, research etc....Everyone's choices are just that...their own. What's right for one family is not right for another. We're already thinking about another adoption after Lilly comes home. Where that child comes from, who knows, but it'll be where we are led--just like Jessica & Lilly were.

I've said it before, and I"ll say it again.....Parenthood is marvelous experience...no matter what road we take to get there.

Thanks again ladies. Talk about support---you're the best!!

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CherryPopTart

I agree with you wholeheartedly. The fact is, domestic adoptions are more difficult. I don't know why the system has to make it so hard. DH and I just want children -- it doesn't matter to us WHERE they come from. We would happily adopt from the US if it was more attainable for us. But for many reasons, it's not an option. Just two of them: DH is considered "too old" at 42 to adopt an infant in our state and we haven't met the "length of marriage" requirement to adopt domestically. International is our only option.

I think the people that "knock" us, are those that are simply uninformed.

Children are children and they all need love.

Therese

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FamilyBound

42 is too old???? That's ridiculous!

I know exactly how you all feel. We tried domestic twice -- once before we went to Russia, and then we just purposefully failed our domestic a second time and are going to the Republic of Georgia to bring home a child.

The domestic situation is way too complicated, and adoptive parents are really thrown into difficult situations without any recourse in many cases. I wish the US system could be changed to make it easier, not even 'easier', just more workable, youknow??

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Carrie
~ PCOS & Blocked Tubes, 3 tx Clomid, 2 IUIs, 4 IVF/ICSI (one with ED)
~ Mom to Ethan, 3 from Russia
~ Adopting a little to make Ethan a big brother!
~ Author of "
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Lisa75

I adopted from the U.S. But that was only because God sent Desi to me, and me to her. He led me in that direction, he gave me the desire, the knowledge, he's the one that guided my husband and I thru. She was made for me and I was made for her. If she was born in China, Italy, Mexico, whereever, she was still made for me, it wouldn't matter where she was born. Those babies no matter where they are, well they are meant to be "ours" and be "our" family. I just listened to the Lord and he gave me the desire of my heart. No matter what, he made it possible.

Good luck to all of you!!

God bless each of you.

Lisa75

rachelmichellek

I know that those of you adopting internationally often have to deal with people saying rude things about what you've chosen to do, and imposing their own priorities on you. However, even though I see these folks' WAY of telling you as rude, I do sympathize with them as HAVING these differing priorities (wishing to see more U.S. children be adopted). I just think that it's important to point that out. These people perhaps are very well-meaning in that they really ache inside, to hear of U.S. kids needing homes, and say these knee-jerk responses to you. I'm not saying it's proper or right, but that they may be voicing their (valid) opinions insensitively.

Yes, everyone has different priorities when it comes to the well-being of children in the world, and what they wish people would do about it. As a potential adoptive parent, my own priorities or wishes would be to see more U.S. children be adopted, ESPECIALLY the older children and teenagers. Should I force my opinions down all your throats? No, I'll try not to, but I do try to just give them some "air-time" as valid opinions.

As someone here (in the minority of) being such a strong advocate for U.S. older child adoptions, as well as being interested in and an advocate for single parent and same-sex couple adoptions, I do have to say that it is hard, here as well as on other adoption-related boards, to feel that I am in the minority in these different aspects, and wishing that a greater percentage of people in the boards' discussions felt the way I do. It's a difficult feeling to have. I feel like I have less relevance in the discussions, I keep feeling like fewer people want to hear what I have to say, and also that I keep hearing more and more evidence that just discourages me, with regard to my hopes for increasing U.S. older child adoption numbers. It's disheartening.

Folks overwhelmingly want infants and toddlers, and overwhelmingly want to do international adoption. And I read and watch, read and watch, watching these conversations go by, pretty much all about international infant adoptions by married couples. Do I want to criticize the couples? Not really, no, but it does affect me, and my own experience as a future adoptive parent. (Of course, on the other hand, hearing that people want to adopt children from ANYWHERE is a good feeling, to some degree.)

Other feelings I have had while online (which is not to point fingers but to further illustrate my experience), is finding that there are people out there who are very predjudiced against children/people of other nationalities/heritages, and would never have a friendship or relationship with anyone here in the U.S. of that heritage, yet they want to adopt a child of that heritage from another country, as if they somehow perceive that the "fresh ones", the infants, somehow have different characteristics so that their prejudice wouldn't be a problem in that circumstance. It just upsets me a lot.

In fact, yes, in the different communities of people online seeking adoption, I've met people who just have blanket misconceptions against the populations of children who are seeking families, and have completely ruled them out based on some untruth or half-truth. People who would never consider children over 2, people who would never consider U.S. adoption EVER, people against certain nationalities... Misinformed people, stubborn people, racist people, people who seem to want to "bid on" children, people who seem to think adopted children are some kind of 'badge" to be worn to support their own status, people who go into adoption thinking they are some kind of "savior" to the child, people who seem to think parenting is some kind of hobby or art project and clearly not something that you make a committment to for the rest of your life... all these people make me uncomfortable, angry, sad. I just have a lot of feelings of despair for the children who continue to wait, simply because of someone's misconceptions, as well as the children who ARE getting stuck with people who perhaps shouldn't BE parents, or at least should re-examine their motivations. People who make me want to say, Who do you think you are?!?!

It also unnerves me to see plenty of people join adoption groups online and whine and carry on about how much their international adoption is going to cost, and it makes me feel like saying, Well, no one MADE you choose that option... And I try to helpfully chime in to those conversations about the more affordable domestic adoption alternatives, if the cost is a concern to them, and they just don't want to hear it, just a kneejerk "talk-to-the-hand" response to any suggestion about waiting U.S. children. And then they continue to be so angry about the cost of whatever (expensive) option they've determined they're going to pursue. (If I choose something expensive in life, and I KNOW it's expensive, why would I continue to complain about how expensive it is after I've chosen it? I'd have already decided that whatever it is is worth it, and that's that. Something is either worth the expense to you, or it isn't.)

As with so many of my posts here, I'm sure a few people will be angry or have their feathers ruffled or feel like I've pointed fingers at them, with what I've written above. But please don't feel that bent out of shape. I do respect your decisions, even though they are not what I'm choosing, and I hope you will sincerely love and appreciate and enjoy your children always. I'm just trying to put forth these observations and viewpoints that are based on my experience on being online discussing these topics for a number of years.

cbeldner

I could not agree with Lisa75 more. It's like those same words could have come out of my mouth.

When you look at how our adoption came together...it was magical!! The adoption process for me was very spiritual and very awesome. He was meant to be with us and us with him no matter our locations.

I think no matter what "type" of an adoption we all choose, we all have struggles and things that make us uncomfortable, uneasy, and just plain frustrated. I think that is also part of the process we must endure.

I just say to each their own and good luck to all.
Christine

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Hugs,
Christine
M&M's Mom
Max, 8/10/02
Mia, 11/4/03
Christine
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Aaron