Please this one time, Just help me =(

rae86 · 01-02-2008, 04:07 AM

The past holds me back from the future. Why? Because the pain still hurts so bad. Each day, it all still crosses my mind. Each day I try and tell myself its time to let go but its so hard. Its hard because it still shocks me…shocks me that the people I trusted, betrayed me. Shocks me that I wasted so much time. Shocks me that I let them do it.

Deep down there, way down there inside me, I know I need to let go of the pain because if I don’t I will never be able to be happy. I know that I deserve to be happy but it’s a constant aching….

The thing that hurts me so bad is I feel so completely worthless. I feel ashamed. I cant believe how many lies I fell for. Do you know how bad it hurts to have your best friend from 2nd grade betray you and **** your boyfriend behind your back? Do you know what it feels like to have no clue its going on behind you back? Then boom like that you find out and your whole world changes. It hurts so bad. It feels impossible to believe. I never ever thought this would happen to me. I never thought she would hurt me so much. She was my sister I loved her with my whole entire heart. I’d die for her. 2 Years later….. It still burns me so bad. I cant let go of the pain. I keep replaying it. I found it out for myself. I found the emails they were writing each other all along behind my back…. I couldn’t believe it… I still cant.. What did I do so wrong to be hurt so bad. I thought I was being a great girlfriend, I thought I was her best friend. I thought I meant everything to both of them. .. I was wrong.. And you know what…I gave in…he begged and I gave him another chance…What was I thinking. ? Why was I so naïve.? I just want to know why I cant get over the pain. Me and him finally broke up for good in June. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take him calling me a “fat whore” I couldn’t take him looking at every girl every where we went besides me. I couldn’t take cleaning up after him constantly doing everything paying for everything but getting no credit…. But why? Why do I still cry? Its been 7 months almost. And I am still here wondering if its my fault? Wait.. How ? How would it be my fault. How when I gave her and him my world.

You know. I feel like a piece of ****. Some days I want to just curl up and hide from the world…. From everyone… Some days I just want to run away…to a different place…where I know nobody where I can just start over. I’m so scared. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever find someone that loves me, that wont leave me.. That wont hurt me…That wont make fun of me with his friends like he did. I remember this one particular time when his friend calling and left a message on the answering machine that said “stop ****ing that beach ball and call me back” he was talking about me… ..I felt so small.. So hurt…. But all he could say is … “he was joking” joke or not it hurt… Will I ever find someone who I can actually talk to and will listen……. Or will I be alone for the rest of my life.

My weight bothers me…. It has always bothered me….It got worse when I started a relationship with him… He would always say he “loves the way I am, he loves my body” but behind my back he would make fun of me with his friends.. Why? Why did I stay with someone for two years? Someone who shattered my whole world? I don’t understand it?!

I’m sad. .. I’m nervous…I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what to do. I feel like nothing is worth it…………What am I left with? Nothing but pain.. I’m so ashamed!

Blondie87 · 01-02-2008, 04:36 AM

Your best friend obviously wasn't a very good friend, and your boyfriend wasn't a good boyfriend. You deserve better, you should be glad that happened because it rid you of those people. You don't need those kind of people in your life. Don't be depressed over them. What did they ever do to earn your love or your need to have them in your life? They both seem like crappy people that you shouldn't be around.

You will someday find someone that wouldn't even think of another girl in that way. Until you find that, don't settle. Don't think about them. Move on.

If you are unhappy about your weight, why don't you take a break from trying to find Mr. Right and try to work on yourself? Try to lose some weight and boost your confidence. What happened to you really did a toll on how you feel about yourself. Try to work on yourself, and others will see you how you see yourself.

It is going to be hard to erase those people from your life, but it needs to be done. Learn from it, know what to look out for and what not to get involved with. Hopefully life gets better for you!

kelly jeanie · 01-02-2008, 04:42 AM

Raeann, it sounds like you are better off without him. You ask if you will be alone for the rest of your life...no. Please don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault these people acted so wrongly. I know it hurts...it's okay to be sad. I hope you can move past it, though, and not give this guy another second of your thoughts.

ced0721 · 01-03-2008, 04:29 AM

Reann- sorry to hear that you have had to go through this. I am praying that 2008 has more to offer, and that you find true happiness.

Betwixt · 01-03-2008, 02:45 PM

I do know what it's like to just be totally mind f***ed like that. I've been in 2 "relationships" like that. Never saw it coming. Made me feel REALLY crazy. I kept wondering what I could have done differently.

Losing weight is not always that easy. It's been one thing that's driven me to the brink of suicide, because I've literally tried damn near everything, and even contemplated anorexia or bulimia. I like eating, and I hate vomiting, so neither wound up being a choice. (Not to mention the other health implications of either.) I'm gonna be honest, I want to flip when someone flippantly says, "why don't you try to lose weight?" Yeah, because NO ONE with PCOS has tried that- no one has actually thought, "Oh crap, maybe I should exercise/eat better/treat myself better!" I'm sorry, but that's almost disrespectful of a cyster. What *I* think, is that you should try loving yourself more, and while I'm not going to preach body acceptance (I have a REALLY hard time accepting mine), I'm going to say, Hey, cut yourself some slack. I have cottage cheese thighs myself, but I have great calfs and gorgeous feets. I might hate my batwing arms, but I love my hands (but more on days they aren't bloated like today.). Pick things you love about yourself first, and go from there.

Know that this little game they played had -nothing- to do with you, but what pieces of work they are as humans. Some people are just broken, a friend of mine once told me. Sometimes I thought he meant me, but I know he meant them. I know it's gonna be hard to process, but I am so honest and true to you, Rae, it has/had NOTHING to do with you. Some people treat others like garbage, and that's just the way they roll. I personally have a hard time when I have to deal with stuff like this, because of my own personal history, both from my family and relationships. I have acceptance and abandonment issues. I take emotional hurt quite badly. I encourage you to fully embrace the idea that it had nothing to do with you- it wasn't about your body, or who you are, or what you said, or what you did or did not do- it had to do with THEM being just nasty people.

I hope you find some peace, and hope, and yes, joy. Keep us posted on how you are feeling, okay? Because *I* want to know!

MarianneUnfaithfull · 01-03-2008, 05:21 PM

I'm sorry to hear about everything you've been through.

Life's a journey and situations like this make us stronger, even if we can't see it at the time.

I've been in a similar situation and 2 things got me through;
- time, because it's natural to feel hurt for a while afterwards
- Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life. It's like therapy in a book, and helps to come to terms with the past, allows yourself to move on and move away from negative people, helps with forgiving others (and forgiving doesn't necessarily mean allowing them back into your life!) and learning to not be so hard on yourself.

I hope you're feeling ok.

rae86 · 01-03-2008, 10:45 PM

Thank you girls so much for listening. It feels good to finally have someone listen. And tho we are strangers....It really helps me..Because with you I dont feel judged. I thank you so much. On the other hand..Im still a mess... I am on my first AF in about 5 months. I started Yaz last month and AF is here... I think this has a lot to do with why I feel so crappie. .. I feel empty.. I dont know.. I see my endo this month for the first time in 6 months. I dont even know what to say to him.. I could tell him that I stopped taking metformin....I stopped bcp but recently re-started-, i gained 17 pounds since July...Im more depressed then ever... I dont even make since right now. I feel so worthless.. I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself because that is the last thing I want to do.. But I dont know what else to do.. The person I told you about Dustin was his name.. about a month before we broke up I bought him an Xbox 360 with a ton of games and a extra wireless controller... he swore he would pay me back ..and make payments.. I spent $900.00 and out of my own stupidity.. I believed he would pay, and I didnt see us breaking up.. but we did...and when we did he wouldnt give it back to me.. we have been broke up since june.. I told him I was gonna take him to small claims court if he didnt start paying or give it back.. he didnt do either and hasnt even tried.. I found out last night.. I talked to him to see whats going on with it..and he finally admitted he sold it.. he sold my stuff. I am still paying every month for that on my credit card and he sold it!! He has a gf now...and last night he told me Im the best he has ever had...and that he loves me, and misses me... Why does he say that..it hurts so bad... I dont want to hear it.. But this whole money situation is holding me back from completely being able to move on .. DOes that make since? Do I just stop trying to get it back from him and move on.. or do I keep letting this make me talk to him.... If I just pay for it and forget it...and take it as a lesson learned..then he will think he won..... I just dont know.. I dont even make since.. Im so srry.

rae86 · 01-03-2008, 10:50 PM

Thank you girls so much for listening. It feels good to finally have someone listen. And tho we are strangers....It really helps me..Because with you I dont feel judged. I thank you so much. On the other hand..Im still a mess... I am on my first AF in about 5 months. I started Yaz last month and AF is here... I think this has a lot to do with why I feel so crappie. .. I feel empty.. I dont know.. I see my endo this month for the first time in 6 months. I dont even know what to say to him.. I could tell him that I stopped taking metformin....I stopped bcp but recently re-started-, i gained 17 pounds since July...Im more depressed then ever... I dont even make since right now. I feel so worthless.. I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself because that is the last thing I want to do.. But I dont know what else to do.. The person I told you about Dustin was his name.. about a month before we broke up I bought him an Xbox 360 with a ton of games and a extra wireless controller... he swore he would pay me back ..and make payments.. I spent $900.00 and out of my own stupidity.. I believed he would pay, and I didnt see us breaking up.. but we did...and when we did he wouldnt give it back to me.. we have been broke up since june.. I told him I was gonna take him to small claims court if he didnt start paying or give it back.. he didnt do either and hasnt even tried.. I found out last night.. I talked to him to see whats going on with it..and he finally admitted he sold it.. he sold my stuff. I am still paying every month for that on my credit card and he sold it!! He has a gf now...and last night he told me Im the best he has ever had...and that he loves me, and misses me... Why does he say that..it hurts so bad... I dont want to hear it.. But this whole money situation is holding me back from completely being able to move on .. DOes that make since? Do I just stop trying to get it back from him and move on.. or do I keep letting this make me talk to him.... If I just pay for it and forget it...and take it as a lesson learned..then he will think he won..... I just dont know.. I dont even make since.. Im so srry.

MissChrystal · 01-03-2008, 11:01 PM

As much as it hurts, it looks like you need to walk away and be happy with yourself.

Take him to small claims court, even if you do not win...you showed you had the strength to do what you felt is right and no on is going to walk all over you.

Being in an abusive and destructive relationship is horrible, it can make you feel like the worst person alive when you simply want someone to love you.

You keep trying and trying and its just NEVER quite enough for them. This is NOT the way to love someone.

I'd suggest learning to love yourself, your body and yourself before looking for someone new. But I think for sure you need to move on so stop letting this person control your mind and heart.

Best of luck to you and post/rant/vent if you need to chat!

jill7755 · 01-04-2008, 01:43 AM

Raeann, have you seen your picture? You are gorgeous!!!! Not to be wierd, but you really are beautiful. I know what its like to not feel that though, especially when other people try so hard to keep you down. I say 900 bucks is a small price to get rid of a scumbag like your ex. I think he cheated because he wanted someone as low as him. I say cut him out of your life completely, because until you do, he still has power over you. Then, I'd say start doing things that make you feel strong, train for a 5K or something, not to lose weight, but to fuel your strength and to wrap your mind around the fact that you are strong, you are beautiful. Once you start to feel that, you wont start to wonder who will ever love you, but will wonder who is worth your love. Good luck!

dawnjoemarie · 01-04-2008, 02:18 PM

I am sorry you are going through this! You deserve so much better. No one should have to be called names and have a spouse allow their friends to also hurt you. I hope someone better can come into your life to show you how special you really are.

Sarrah · 01-05-2008, 03:10 AM

This makes me so angry.
-He he misses you and you were the best he ever had - why would he not do the right thing and pay you back the $900.00. He obviously still has no repect for you.
I can't believe He SOLD it and didnt' even give you back the little money he probably sold it for and the money he got for selling your things!
He sounds like trash and you are so much better than him.
Don't give him the time of day. Don't ever talk to him on phone, test, email or in person EVER again, don't waste another single second of your precious life on this di%k head.

I have been in your situation several times (yes low self esteem) and wasted years getting depressed about a guy who was so evil and arrogant and treated people like sh*t. Why would I do that? I don't know but never again will I do that. I dont let people disrespect me.

Please never see or contact him again you are too good for him and he is worthless and a cruel person without integrity or respect for someone who loved him. YOU.

You know what - I still want to get revenge on this one idiot man who hurt me so much purposley and had absolutely no regard for me or my family and was downright cruel and evil.. but everytime I get angry that is hurting me not him... anger is like poison you mix up wanting to give to that person but you end up swallowing it yourself..meanwhile he is off living his own life not giving me or the time we spent together another thought . sometimes i think "he might feel bad..etc might think about me now an then">. but you know what .. he probably isnt'...
I try not to feel angry or think about it now but its hard.. as you can see now. .. a whole 5 years later. I still do.... but I am sure it will fade to nothing but memory of that hurt will never go away... but get smaller I guess.